Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Specific Suggestions
Danielle Conger
Since I had my second child my
There have already been some great suggestions. My suggestion would be to
shift your thinking of the word "simple." The simple that I'm reading above
is laden with guilt--at least in how I once saw those same issues. Sometimes
simple isn't going to be organic or non-toxic or politically correct, and
sometimes with small children that's okay because being with them in peace
and love is more important (sorry folks) than saving the world. If you think
in terms of raising peaceful, happy people that won't repeat the same
patterns, then you are, in fact, changing the world and making it a better
place in an arguably far more meaningful way. Sometimes being able to clean
up a mess quickly and easily is more important than making sure everything
is labeled organic and non-toxic. Sometimes making things *easy* instead of
*simple* (which reeks with a certain kind of consumerism) is the easiest
path towards enjoying your family and achieveing your number one goal: not
to hit your kids. If you focus on easy and joy and peace and happiness,
however, maybe you'll go one step further than that and not *want* to hit
your kids.
I had three babies under three--all in diapers--1000 miles away from any
family. I know how hard things can be! I vividly remember laying my body
across the door to the playroom when I was pregnant with my third. Being
down on the floor with the girls really seemed to make a huge difference
rather than sitting on a couch or chair, and I could doze off after building
a few block towers, knowing that they would have to crawl/ climb over me to
get out of the room. I didn't have anyone to come in to help out, so for me,
life was all about coping strategies--finding ways to meet everyone's needs
whenever possible. Not necessarily perfect, but happy.
When my first was born, I vowed only to use cloth diapers, organic food, the
whole shebang. Her skin was so sensitive that I used only water wipes after
changes--couldn't use diaper wipes for months--like 6 or 7. After a month of
battling with persistent diaper rash and dh's grandmother telling me that I
was just going to have to boil those diapers on the top of my stove (no
diaper service where we lived), I called it quits. Disposable diapers, no
diaper rash and a much happier baby and mama. When she was 6 mos. old, I
started making all of her baby food from scratch, mixed only with
breastmilk--all the while thinking to myself what an amazing mother I was
and what a great job I was doing. Well, after the fact sometime around the
time my second was going to start solids (who by the way never took baby
food anyway and just went straight to table food at around 10 mos), I read
something about how fresh carrots are too high in nitrites or something for
babies and that baby food carrots were actually better. Don't know if that's
true, but it did show me that there was a whole lot wrapped up in mothering
perfectly. Emily's favorite food had been carrots--her skin had even turned
an orange tinge because of them. Here I was filled with guilt because I'd
made her carrots from scratch! Perfect turned out to be not so perfect after
all.
Your goals up above still seem to me to be about perfection, and let's be
honest--perfection is anything but simple! Shift your goals toward truly
simplifying your life by first off letting go of the perfectionism.
Perfectionism also tends to be more about the mother than the children, and
what folks on this board are trying to get you to do is to focus on the kids
instead of yourself and on yourself instead of your kids in ways that are
healthy and productive. Right now the ways that you're focusing on both
yourself and your kids seem to be unhealthy, causing you to stagnate in a
pretty bad place. Shift from trying to mother perfectly to trying to mother
joyfully. Shift from trying to play with your kids to trying to connect with
your kids. Shift from trying to escape to trying to find peace and joy.
The specifics strategies to acheive those goals will only come from trial
and error--finding what works for you and your kids. For me, the strategies
differ. Sometimes late in the day, I make myself a cappuccino and that's
enough to boost and comfort and focus on me. Sometimes the kids and I will
climb in my bed together and pop in a DVD. Sometimes we'll pull out a
boardgame or go play on the climbing wall. Sometimes we'll jump in the car
and go someplace we've never been. Sometimes we'll make milkshakes or
make-your-own sundaes. For us, the key is usually to shake things up a bit,
because if we're starting to get on each other's nerves, it usually means
we're in a rut and getting antsy.
Good luck!
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
> parenting goals have been very simple. My very basic goal was to not hitmy
> kids. The others all seem like easy to me like providing organic food,only
> using non toxic stuff in my house, read to them, make sure they get tocall
> their grandmas often enough to have a clue who they are.obstacles
> That just isn't enough anymore. It seems like one of the biggest
> for me is play.==============
There have already been some great suggestions. My suggestion would be to
shift your thinking of the word "simple." The simple that I'm reading above
is laden with guilt--at least in how I once saw those same issues. Sometimes
simple isn't going to be organic or non-toxic or politically correct, and
sometimes with small children that's okay because being with them in peace
and love is more important (sorry folks) than saving the world. If you think
in terms of raising peaceful, happy people that won't repeat the same
patterns, then you are, in fact, changing the world and making it a better
place in an arguably far more meaningful way. Sometimes being able to clean
up a mess quickly and easily is more important than making sure everything
is labeled organic and non-toxic. Sometimes making things *easy* instead of
*simple* (which reeks with a certain kind of consumerism) is the easiest
path towards enjoying your family and achieveing your number one goal: not
to hit your kids. If you focus on easy and joy and peace and happiness,
however, maybe you'll go one step further than that and not *want* to hit
your kids.
I had three babies under three--all in diapers--1000 miles away from any
family. I know how hard things can be! I vividly remember laying my body
across the door to the playroom when I was pregnant with my third. Being
down on the floor with the girls really seemed to make a huge difference
rather than sitting on a couch or chair, and I could doze off after building
a few block towers, knowing that they would have to crawl/ climb over me to
get out of the room. I didn't have anyone to come in to help out, so for me,
life was all about coping strategies--finding ways to meet everyone's needs
whenever possible. Not necessarily perfect, but happy.
When my first was born, I vowed only to use cloth diapers, organic food, the
whole shebang. Her skin was so sensitive that I used only water wipes after
changes--couldn't use diaper wipes for months--like 6 or 7. After a month of
battling with persistent diaper rash and dh's grandmother telling me that I
was just going to have to boil those diapers on the top of my stove (no
diaper service where we lived), I called it quits. Disposable diapers, no
diaper rash and a much happier baby and mama. When she was 6 mos. old, I
started making all of her baby food from scratch, mixed only with
breastmilk--all the while thinking to myself what an amazing mother I was
and what a great job I was doing. Well, after the fact sometime around the
time my second was going to start solids (who by the way never took baby
food anyway and just went straight to table food at around 10 mos), I read
something about how fresh carrots are too high in nitrites or something for
babies and that baby food carrots were actually better. Don't know if that's
true, but it did show me that there was a whole lot wrapped up in mothering
perfectly. Emily's favorite food had been carrots--her skin had even turned
an orange tinge because of them. Here I was filled with guilt because I'd
made her carrots from scratch! Perfect turned out to be not so perfect after
all.
Your goals up above still seem to me to be about perfection, and let's be
honest--perfection is anything but simple! Shift your goals toward truly
simplifying your life by first off letting go of the perfectionism.
Perfectionism also tends to be more about the mother than the children, and
what folks on this board are trying to get you to do is to focus on the kids
instead of yourself and on yourself instead of your kids in ways that are
healthy and productive. Right now the ways that you're focusing on both
yourself and your kids seem to be unhealthy, causing you to stagnate in a
pretty bad place. Shift from trying to mother perfectly to trying to mother
joyfully. Shift from trying to play with your kids to trying to connect with
your kids. Shift from trying to escape to trying to find peace and joy.
The specifics strategies to acheive those goals will only come from trial
and error--finding what works for you and your kids. For me, the strategies
differ. Sometimes late in the day, I make myself a cappuccino and that's
enough to boost and comfort and focus on me. Sometimes the kids and I will
climb in my bed together and pop in a DVD. Sometimes we'll pull out a
boardgame or go play on the climbing wall. Sometimes we'll jump in the car
and go someplace we've never been. Sometimes we'll make milkshakes or
make-your-own sundaes. For us, the key is usually to shake things up a bit,
because if we're starting to get on each other's nerves, it usually means
we're in a rut and getting antsy.
Good luck!
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
Have a Nice Day!
Sometimes making things *easy* instead of
*simple* (which reeks with a certain kind of consumerism) is the easiest
path towards enjoying your family
**********
This is soooooo key at my house. I try to make things as easy as possible. If things are easy for me, then my life is easier, and my attitude is lighter. I had to learn to not feel guilty over the fact that I was choosing to make things easier. Our culture prides itself on martyrdom.
I will make one other suggestion though. I've been taking anti-depressants. Without them I was much more more panicked about little things. I felt "out of control" and "guilty" about everything whether there was a reason to or not. I mentally rehash things over and over again in order to settle them in my mind. I decided to try medication as a last resort and I only wish I had done it sooner.
Now I feel like I can settle things in my mind and move on. I don't dwell on things, and I feel much more able to focus. All of this affects my kids because I can enjoy them so much more.
You may want to look into this. It might just make things a little less scary for you while you figure things out.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
*simple* (which reeks with a certain kind of consumerism) is the easiest
path towards enjoying your family
**********
This is soooooo key at my house. I try to make things as easy as possible. If things are easy for me, then my life is easier, and my attitude is lighter. I had to learn to not feel guilty over the fact that I was choosing to make things easier. Our culture prides itself on martyrdom.
I will make one other suggestion though. I've been taking anti-depressants. Without them I was much more more panicked about little things. I felt "out of control" and "guilty" about everything whether there was a reason to or not. I mentally rehash things over and over again in order to settle them in my mind. I decided to try medication as a last resort and I only wish I had done it sooner.
Now I feel like I can settle things in my mind and move on. I don't dwell on things, and I feel much more able to focus. All of this affects my kids because I can enjoy them so much more.
You may want to look into this. It might just make things a little less scary for you while you figure things out.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 8/2/2004 9:15:51 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
danielle.conger@... writes:
from the synthetic fertilizers used in "standard" farming.
Peace,
Sang
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
danielle.conger@... writes:
> I readJust a little FYI-the organic carrots do not have the nitrates, which comes
> something about how fresh carrots are too high in nitrites
from the synthetic fertilizers used in "standard" farming.
Peace,
Sang
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]