Rhonda McDowell

Wow, Syl:

I really feel for you. Your story reminds me a little of my relationship with my mom. She means well, but some of her advice is over the top. For instance, I have to remind myself never to mention any concern about my children's health 'cuz my mom will invariable respond that the cause is parasites. Drive me nuts. Along with her nutty religious beliefs, which she tries to slip and preach to my kids when I'm not looking.

Depression & anxiety run in my family, so I can't blame ALL my issues with her, but I have more than my fair share of blues & worries. I finally was clued in during my mid-40's by the Dean of Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA giving a lecture on clinical depression, and I sought out help in the form of counselling & medication to balance my brain chemistry (after a lifetime of no doctors or drugs, not even aspirin ~ per my mom's religion). Now I no longer brood, and can take my mom in stride, but try to limit visits with her to a day or two (I assume in your case, now that she's in town, to maybe an hour or two?). I've been able to draw healthier boundaries, esp. where my kids are concerned and also, maybe most importantly, finally see more of my mom's positive points and recall happier moments of my childhood.

Sounds like you'll do OK, especially with a great hubby to encourage & back you up!!

Rhonda


Message: 9
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 10:31:26 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sylvia Toyama <sylgt04@...>
Subject: just a vent...

I just learned last Thursday that my Mom is moving back to town -- next weekend (the 31st). We've had a pretty close, but somewhat conflicted, relationship over the years. She's pretty much always lived near me, but for a few years and this past year. She's usually pretty good about respecting our differences, tho there was a recent episode where she recommended spanking. I think that was part of her depression and loneliness at being in NC, so I'm pretty sure it won't come up again -- and I was very firm that I won't hit my kids.

So, she's coming back, looking forward to spending time with me again and, I think, in a much better place emotionally. She'll be house-sharing with a woman who's been her closest friend since I was a teenager, so they've both been thru a lot together. I'm happy to have her nearby, in that I do enjoy her company and the boys love her. BUT......

Several times lately, she's offered (totally unsolicited, mind you) ways I can include specific learning into Andy's 'schooling.' I've never bothered to explain the unschooling thing to her because a) she was in NC and b) it's not something I'm going to change, so it's not really open for debate. Okay, that's very much my style since childhood -- I do what I want, let them believe what they want and share my thoughts only on a need to know basis. I also do a fair amount of tongue-biting, because the fight's just not worth it.

Add to that, the inl-aws will be here in just 10 short weeks (early Oct) and I'm probably just days away from developing a nervous tic and dumping all my stress on poor Gary. I've already begun stressing over the housekeeping to be done before then -- if I start tomorrow I just might be done by the time they arrive. Of course, they will arrive with expectations for what Andy 'should' be learning. My mil is very bothered that Andy still writes in all caps and often reverses the 'N.'

And, of course, they'll be concerned about Andy's weight -- and no one will be quiet about that one. With the in-laws it's about how we should sign Andy up for a regular activity - or that he'd get regular exercise in school with PE and playground time -- even if it's not what Andy wants. It's not like he's huge. Neither of the doctors he's seen recently are concerned, his BMI is just slightly in the 'overweight' range, and he's aware of it. It breaks my heart to hear him, at age 8, saying he'd like to be 'less fat' and 'not so big.'

Reading this, I guess it's more about how I can stop my own worries now and get past the stress. It's like constant warfare between the voices of my childhood -- what about school, he's too smart to not be writing, watch his weight now or he'll be fat forever, etc. and the rational, joyous truths I've come to know in the last few years in my life with these children. And it's the frustration that the only person who doesn't think I'm misguided, too easy and naive is Gary. I know it shouldn't matter to me what anyone outside our home thinks or wants, but the good daughter in me is feeling really battered right now. And I don't want to spill over and dump on the guys.

Syl, who just needed to vent, I guess.




Since her last departure, we've embraced unschooling here.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

eriksmama2001

There are two books called The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of
Anger by Harriet Lerner. They explain how to change your part of
the "dance" and thus the entrenched patterns automatically change.
The change occurs most directly by setting boundaries for yourself.
We can not change others. But, we can change our reactions to them in
order to empower ourselves in the relationship to meet our bottom
line.

Pat

--- In [email protected], "Rhonda McDowell"
<foto.bug@v...> wrote:
> Wow, Syl:
>
> I really feel for you. Your story reminds me a little of my
relationship with my mom. She means well, but some of her advice is
over the top. For instance, I have to remind myself never to mention
any concern about my children's health 'cuz my mom will invariable
respond that the cause is parasites. Drive me nuts. Along with her
nutty religious beliefs, which she tries to slip and preach to my
kids when I'm not looking.
>
> Depression & anxiety run in my family, so I can't blame ALL my
issues with her, but I have more than my fair share of blues &
worries. I finally was clued in during my mid-40's by the Dean of
Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, CA giving a lecture on
clinical depression, and I sought out help in the form of counselling
& medication to balance my brain chemistry (after a lifetime of no
doctors or drugs, not even aspirin ~ per my mom's religion). Now I
no longer brood, and can take my mom in stride, but try to limit
visits with her to a day or two (I assume in your case, now that
she's in town, to maybe an hour or two?). I've been able to draw
healthier boundaries, esp. where my kids are concerned and also,
maybe most importantly, finally see more of my mom's positive points
and recall happier moments of my childhood.
>
> Sounds like you'll do OK, especially with a great hubby to
encourage & back you up!!
>
> Rhonda
>
>
> Message: 9
> Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 10:31:26 -0700 (PDT)
> From: Sylvia Toyama <sylgt04@y...>
> Subject: just a vent...
>
> I just learned last Thursday that my Mom is moving back to town --
next weekend (the 31st). We've had a pretty close, but somewhat
conflicted, relationship over the years. She's pretty much always
lived near me, but for a few years and this past year. She's usually
pretty good about respecting our differences, tho there was a recent
episode where she recommended spanking. I think that was part of her
depression and loneliness at being in NC, so I'm pretty sure it won't
come up again -- and I was very firm that I won't hit my kids.
>
> So, she's coming back, looking forward to spending time with me
again and, I think, in a much better place emotionally. She'll be
house-sharing with a woman who's been her closest friend since I was
a teenager, so they've both been thru a lot together. I'm happy to
have her nearby, in that I do enjoy her company and the boys love
her. BUT......
>
> Several times lately, she's offered (totally unsolicited, mind you)
ways I can include specific learning into Andy's 'schooling.' I've
never bothered to explain the unschooling thing to her because a) she
was in NC and b) it's not something I'm going to change, so it's not
really open for debate. Okay, that's very much my style since
childhood -- I do what I want, let them believe what they want and
share my thoughts only on a need to know basis. I also do a fair
amount of tongue-biting, because the fight's just not worth it.
>
> Add to that, the inl-aws will be here in just 10 short weeks (early
Oct) and I'm probably just days away from developing a nervous tic
and dumping all my stress on poor Gary. I've already begun stressing
over the housekeeping to be done before then -- if I start tomorrow I
just might be done by the time they arrive. Of course, they will
arrive with expectations for what Andy 'should' be learning. My mil
is very bothered that Andy still writes in all caps and often
reverses the 'N.'
>
> And, of course, they'll be concerned about Andy's weight -- and no
one will be quiet about that one. With the in-laws it's about how we
should sign Andy up for a regular activity - or that he'd get regular
exercise in school with PE and playground time -- even if it's not
what Andy wants. It's not like he's huge. Neither of the doctors
he's seen recently are concerned, his BMI is just slightly in
the 'overweight' range, and he's aware of it. It breaks my heart to
hear him, at age 8, saying he'd like to be 'less fat' and 'not so
big.'
>
> Reading this, I guess it's more about how I can stop my own worries
now and get past the stress. It's like constant warfare between the
voices of my childhood -- what about school, he's too smart to not be
writing, watch his weight now or he'll be fat forever, etc. and the
rational, joyous truths I've come to know in the last few years in my
life with these children. And it's the frustration that the only
person who doesn't think I'm misguided, too easy and naive is Gary.
I know it shouldn't matter to me what anyone outside our home thinks
or wants, but the good daughter in me is feeling really battered
right now. And I don't want to spill over and dump on the guys.
>
> Syl, who just needed to vent, I guess.
>
>
>
>
> Since her last departure, we've embraced unschooling here.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sylvia Toyama

There are two books called The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.


******

Thanks for the suggestion. Someone else had recommended Dance of Anger once, but I'd forgotten the title and author by the time it felt revelant. I'll check my local library and see if they're available.

Syl


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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

nellebelle

I just picked up her new book from the library, "Fear and Other Uninvited
Guests". I loved her book, "The Mother Dance". Not an unschooling book,
but a great read for mothers, IMHO.

Mary Ellen

----- Original Message -----
> There are two books called The Dance of Intimacy and The Dance of Anger by
Harriet Lerner.