Heather Hall

> (Did I mention
> he gets very angry if anyone interrupts him while he is speaking, so there
> is no addressing each point as it comes up. Nor does he accept me wanting to
> walk away from an argument, even if it so I can cool off.)

What about email? It might seem silly, but usually when I am hormonal and
ridiculous ( not saying *you* are, this is *my* communication issue) I use
email to communicate with my dh so I can get through what I want to say with
out being set off by his body language etc. Maybe you could get out your
thoughts to him ( you laid them out very well here) so he can hear
everything you would like to say? And wait for him to come discuss it with
you?

On the cheek chewing etc. Those are the type of habits that only the child
can stop, and only if she really wants too. He can't make her or convince
her to quit. He can help support her, and even point it out to her, if
*she* finds it helpful Otherwise you are right! It will back fire and make
it worse. There's a book called 'Helping the Thumbsucking Child' that
covers these kinds of habits and how to help your kid instead of torture
them I bought it when my daughter was 2ish because she sucks her thumb and
I wanted to have better ideas about what to do when. I got all kinds of
yucky polish, hot sauce, tape, etc. and nothing worked except a visit to
the orthodontist. Wanted braces and he wouldn't put them on until I quit.
It took me a bit but I had real motivation. The toe infections were one
motivation, think about what else might motivate her, or is it really that
important? This book says most kids aren't really developmentally able to
grasp why not or to chose to quit before age 5. I'm not sure how old your
daughter is. HTH a little.

--
Heather, mom to
Harriet 12.15.99
Crispin 01.25.02
heatherette@...

J. Stauffer

<<<<I use
> email to communicate with my dh so I can get through what I want to say
with
> out being set off by his body language etc. >>>>

I do this to. For important issues, I email dh at work. That way what I
want to say is uninterrupted by kidlets and he has several hours to think
about how he would like to respond.

Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Heather Hall" <Heatherette@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Monday, July 19, 2004 8:18 AM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Nail & cheek biting


>
> > (Did I mention
> > he gets very angry if anyone interrupts him while he is speaking, so
there
> > is no addressing each point as it comes up. Nor does he accept me
wanting to
> > walk away from an argument, even if it so I can cool off.)
>
> What about email? It might seem silly, but usually when I am hormonal and
> ridiculous ( not saying *you* are, this is *my* communication issue) I use
> email to communicate with my dh so I can get through what I want to say
with
> out being set off by his body language etc. Maybe you could get out your
> thoughts to him ( you laid them out very well here) so he can hear
> everything you would like to say? And wait for him to come discuss it
with
> you?
>
> On the cheek chewing etc. Those are the type of habits that only the
child
> can stop, and only if she really wants too. He can't make her or convince
> her to quit. He can help support her, and even point it out to her, if
> *she* finds it helpful Otherwise you are right! It will back fire and
make
> it worse. There's a book called 'Helping the Thumbsucking Child' that
> covers these kinds of habits and how to help your kid instead of torture
> them I bought it when my daughter was 2ish because she sucks her thumb
and
> I wanted to have better ideas about what to do when. I got all kinds of
> yucky polish, hot sauce, tape, etc. and nothing worked except a visit to
> the orthodontist. Wanted braces and he wouldn't put them on until I
quit.
> It took me a bit but I had real motivation. The toe infections were one
> motivation, think about what else might motivate her, or is it really that
> important? This book says most kids aren't really developmentally able to
> grasp why not or to chose to quit before age 5. I'm not sure how old your
> daughter is. HTH a little.
>
> --
> Heather, mom to
> Harriet 12.15.99
> Crispin 01.25.02
> heatherette@...
>
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

mamaaj2000

As long as it doesn't really piss off your dh! I used to think the
perfect time to talk about "stuff" was on the train when we were
commuting together. Dh felt trapped and annoyed! So I think I'd be
cautious about sending an email about a big issue in the morning.
There are things that I would want to talk about right away, not be
forced to wait until evening, esp. if someone were telling me things
I don't want to hear...

Whatever works.

--aj

--- In [email protected], "J. Stauffer"
<jnjstau@g...> wrote:
> <<<<I use
> > email to communicate with my dh so I can get through what I want
to say
> with
> > out being set off by his body language etc. >>>>
>
> I do this to. For important issues, I email dh at work. That way
what I
> want to say is uninterrupted by kidlets and he has several hours to
think
> about how he would like to respond.

Robyn Coburn

<<<<<<<I use
> email to communicate with my dh so I can get through what I want to say
with
> out being set off by his body language etc. >>>>

I do this to. For important issues, I email dh at work. That way what I
want to say is uninterrupted by kidlets and he has several hours to think
about how he would like to respond.>>>>

This email idea is a good one, and I do send him stuff, like some of the
replies I have received today. However dh is not away at work. He is sitting
across the room most of the time. One thing that has been useful to me, is
if either of us has to go out, on an errand or to some appointment, before
the issue is resolved, we will usually call each other and talk much better
on the phone than we had in person.

This not interrupting thing is something that can really make any verbal
communication tough, so I think email - even when he is just over there -
could be a tool I should use more often.

I have a metaphorical way to explain about it.

My husband will say: The sky is red. So you should do such-and-such, and
so-and-so. I feel that your are blah, blah, blah. Also yada, yada, yada, on
and on and on. And another thing is you blah, yada, on-and-on and so
forth...

For usually about 4-6 minutes.

Meanwhile I am thinking, "But the sky isn't red." It seems like everything
following the false premise is probably also wrong, and it is really hard
both to listen to and to remember all the different ideas, while caught up
in the very first erroneous statement.

He also believes that saying "I feel you are wrong" is the same as sharing
his feelings. I sent him the NVC website. So far my attempts to use these
techniques have resulted in him getting really irritated - I must be doing
it wrong. Validating the other person's feelings stopped a crazy mob of
screaming Palestinians from calling Dr. Rosenberg a murderer, but it makes
my dh furious.

Robyn L. Coburn



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