Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Gifts
Heather Hall
> I can only imagine if I'd told my mother not to buy toys for herMaybe that is part of the difference - we don't really have family close by.
> beloved grandchildren. The things she gave them are so valuable now -
> not in dollar terms, but because they no longer have HER here and the
> "mere things" are the concrete way they hold her close them to them.
My mom sends money, and dh's mom always sends something made of vinyl or
that comes in vinyl packaging which has to go straight in the garage or my
throat closes up. Not much of anything we get would be sentimental. I
still have a ton of stuff from my own childhood, like my cloth doll
collection that I share with the kids a piece at a time. My aunt has
recently started sending little things, but they are random as she is
thinking of the kids rather than for an event which is really nice in a
different way.
--
Heather, mom to
Harriet 12.15.99
Crispin 01.25.02
heatherette@...
Ali Kat
"""""Grandparents SHOULD give gifts, imo. They, as a rule, have more
disposable income and can give bigger and more practical gifts than the parents
often can. Asking them to give NO gifts to their grandchildren is creepy.
Asking *anyone* to give no gifts to children is creepy.""""""
I do NOT like to be told that I SHOULD give a gift because of either my familial relationship or my financial (or perceived financial) status. I give gifts because I WANT to, because I care for and love someone, and because I love the joy I receive in seeing the recipient's reaction. If I want to give someone a gift and don't know what to get, then I ask. Otherwise, I glean what I can from knowing the person, check to make sure he/she doesn't have duplicates, and pick something they would hopefully enjoy.
I know plenty of folks who are grandparents and cannot afford a box of crayons let alone a large/expensive gift. I believe it is a parents responsibility to model gracious acceptance of gifts - big or small - and to foster an attitude that does not expect gifts. (what if someone can't give a gift... they feel horrible, and knowing it is expected can make it more of a burden) Sometimes an unexpected gift is more precious than any "should give" gift (i.e. a card with a sheet of stickers in it, a favorite candy you haven't had in a while, a plate of your favorite home-baked cookies).
Focusing on fostering relationships with family and friends instead seems more important than what one should/could/would receive as a gift , IMO, but that could be me. I do believe that you can tactfully mention the child's interests and wants through your conversations with family, and when asked be blatantly open about the child's wants. Also, I just accept that some folks are going to send a gift that is totally out of touch with the recipient - i.e. Aunt Sue's hideous purple and orange polka dot sweaters every Christmas. I smile and go on with life... I know some of this may be hard for a child, but it can be good too. I have learned a lot about folks by what they give, and have learned a deeper appreciation for who "they" are and how they are trying to share a bit of themselves with me.
Ali
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disposable income and can give bigger and more practical gifts than the parents
often can. Asking them to give NO gifts to their grandchildren is creepy.
Asking *anyone* to give no gifts to children is creepy.""""""
I do NOT like to be told that I SHOULD give a gift because of either my familial relationship or my financial (or perceived financial) status. I give gifts because I WANT to, because I care for and love someone, and because I love the joy I receive in seeing the recipient's reaction. If I want to give someone a gift and don't know what to get, then I ask. Otherwise, I glean what I can from knowing the person, check to make sure he/she doesn't have duplicates, and pick something they would hopefully enjoy.
I know plenty of folks who are grandparents and cannot afford a box of crayons let alone a large/expensive gift. I believe it is a parents responsibility to model gracious acceptance of gifts - big or small - and to foster an attitude that does not expect gifts. (what if someone can't give a gift... they feel horrible, and knowing it is expected can make it more of a burden) Sometimes an unexpected gift is more precious than any "should give" gift (i.e. a card with a sheet of stickers in it, a favorite candy you haven't had in a while, a plate of your favorite home-baked cookies).
Focusing on fostering relationships with family and friends instead seems more important than what one should/could/would receive as a gift , IMO, but that could be me. I do believe that you can tactfully mention the child's interests and wants through your conversations with family, and when asked be blatantly open about the child's wants. Also, I just accept that some folks are going to send a gift that is totally out of touch with the recipient - i.e. Aunt Sue's hideous purple and orange polka dot sweaters every Christmas. I smile and go on with life... I know some of this may be hard for a child, but it can be good too. I have learned a lot about folks by what they give, and have learned a deeper appreciation for who "they" are and how they are trying to share a bit of themselves with me.
Ali
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Yahoo! Mail is new and improved - Check it out!
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pam sorooshian
Ali - I think that what that was about was about parents telling
grandparents NOT to give gifts - saying that it is in the nature of
grandparency to want to give gifts and that is how it should be - it is
normal and nice and wonderful and a parent shouldn't try to thwart it
just because the grandparents are spending too much money/giving too
many gifts.
In fact, giving gifts to children is a great pleasure, as you pointed
out. And a wonderful grandparent/child relationship should include the
grandparents joyfully giving gifts - assuming they can do that within
their means and at their discretion and the children graciously and
gratefully accepting them. Doesn't have to be purchased gifts, of
course. My mom had her grandchildren over for a "cocoa party," one kid
at a time, on a regular basis. They'd have cookies and cocoa on a tray
and the child would light a candle and they'd have nice music playing.
And they'd just eat, sip cocoa, and talk. That's it. But THAT is the
thing that all the grandchildren remember most about her. She also took
each of them on a BIG trip as they got old enough - Zac to Hawaii, Alex
to the Bahamas, Becky to Mexico, Roxana to London, Roya and Shelley
together to Mexico. Rosie and Joe were both too young when my mom died
and never got to take on an extended trip - but Rosie went with Grandma
on the train to San Diego for a one-night vacation. The other kids had
all gotten that trip when they were younger, too.
But - like I said - the BIG memory that stands out more than any other
- the cocoa parties.
-pam
grandparents NOT to give gifts - saying that it is in the nature of
grandparency to want to give gifts and that is how it should be - it is
normal and nice and wonderful and a parent shouldn't try to thwart it
just because the grandparents are spending too much money/giving too
many gifts.
In fact, giving gifts to children is a great pleasure, as you pointed
out. And a wonderful grandparent/child relationship should include the
grandparents joyfully giving gifts - assuming they can do that within
their means and at their discretion and the children graciously and
gratefully accepting them. Doesn't have to be purchased gifts, of
course. My mom had her grandchildren over for a "cocoa party," one kid
at a time, on a regular basis. They'd have cookies and cocoa on a tray
and the child would light a candle and they'd have nice music playing.
And they'd just eat, sip cocoa, and talk. That's it. But THAT is the
thing that all the grandchildren remember most about her. She also took
each of them on a BIG trip as they got old enough - Zac to Hawaii, Alex
to the Bahamas, Becky to Mexico, Roxana to London, Roya and Shelley
together to Mexico. Rosie and Joe were both too young when my mom died
and never got to take on an extended trip - but Rosie went with Grandma
on the train to San Diego for a one-night vacation. The other kids had
all gotten that trip when they were younger, too.
But - like I said - the BIG memory that stands out more than any other
- the cocoa parties.
-pam
On Jul 21, 2004, at 11:05 AM, Ali Kat wrote:
>
> """""Grandparents SHOULD give gifts, imo. They, as a rule, have more
> disposable income and can give bigger and more practical gifts than
> the parents
> often can. Asking them to give NO gifts to their grandchildren is
> creepy.
> Asking *anyone* to give no gifts to children is creepy.""""""
>
> I do NOT like to be told that I SHOULD give a gift because of either
> my familial relationship or my financial (or perceived financial)
> status. I give gifts because I WANT to, because I care for and love
> someone, and because I love the joy I receive in seeing the
> recipient's reaction.
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Angela
Your cocoa parties remind me of my Grammy.
My favorite Grammy didn't have much money to speak of and she stretched her
budget tightly to give us each a five dollar gift at Christmas each year. I
know my mom picked out the gifts because Grammy didn't drive. I honestly
don't remember one thing she gave me. What I remember about her is the time
she gave me. She really listened to me and wanted to know me. She also
made home-made cocoa with cocoa powder and sugar. It was always served in a
Campbell's Soup Mug that she got free through the mail. She loved to send
for freebies. She read aloud to me. She spent time with me teaching me to
knit. She had smarties in her candy dish and we could have a pack or maybe
two if we asked. But mostly, she listened to me with an open heart and an
open mind. She was not judgmental.
On the other side of the family was Nana. She gave more gifts but with
strings attached. (She'd give a stuffed animal to us with instructions that
it wasn't to play with but to sit on your bed as a decoration, etc. She had
favorites and gave them much better gifts.) She never listened to me or
wanted to know more about me. She seemed cold hearted and judgmental. She
liked my dh when she first met him and he drove a candy apple red corvette.
She didn't like him so much when she found out he didn't have any money to
speak of.
What it boils down to is the gifts don't really matter. It's what you give
from your heart that matters.
Angela
<mailto:game-enthusiast@...> game-enthusiast@...
But - like I said - the BIG memory that stands out more than any other
- the cocoa parties.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My favorite Grammy didn't have much money to speak of and she stretched her
budget tightly to give us each a five dollar gift at Christmas each year. I
know my mom picked out the gifts because Grammy didn't drive. I honestly
don't remember one thing she gave me. What I remember about her is the time
she gave me. She really listened to me and wanted to know me. She also
made home-made cocoa with cocoa powder and sugar. It was always served in a
Campbell's Soup Mug that she got free through the mail. She loved to send
for freebies. She read aloud to me. She spent time with me teaching me to
knit. She had smarties in her candy dish and we could have a pack or maybe
two if we asked. But mostly, she listened to me with an open heart and an
open mind. She was not judgmental.
On the other side of the family was Nana. She gave more gifts but with
strings attached. (She'd give a stuffed animal to us with instructions that
it wasn't to play with but to sit on your bed as a decoration, etc. She had
favorites and gave them much better gifts.) She never listened to me or
wanted to know more about me. She seemed cold hearted and judgmental. She
liked my dh when she first met him and he drove a candy apple red corvette.
She didn't like him so much when she found out he didn't have any money to
speak of.
What it boils down to is the gifts don't really matter. It's what you give
from your heart that matters.
Angela
<mailto:game-enthusiast@...> game-enthusiast@...
But - like I said - the BIG memory that stands out more than any other
- the cocoa parties.
-pam
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]