cross-posting 'cause I think Deb's brilliant
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This is from the new UnschoolingBasics list.
I thought Deb's response was just brilliant and wanted to share it here.
~Kelly
***When I took him to the car he told me that he wanted to sit on my
lap.***
You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way.
He needed you. For some reason he needed to sit on your lap and be close
to you. Maybe he had a hard time at your mom's. Maybe he was longing for
you. Maybe he needed some close time to transition from the activity at
your mom's house to going home. He needed you and you decided milk was
more important than what he needed.
What if you'd held him? What if he was happy after ten minutes. The
milk would have been ok. What if he wanted you to hold him for forty
minutes? The milk might have still been ok, but what if it wasn't?
What if you had to go by more milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your son's comfort and happiness.
Surely you've "wasted" a few dollars on something that would brighten
your day, a new lipstick or nail polish or something. Your son needed a
moment of brightness with you.
If your other son was with you maybe he could have run the perishables in
to your mom's fridge until you were ready to go.
***I told him that when he hurt my feelings like that it made me not want
to buy him something. ***
And when you hurt his feelings by not being available to him he didn't
know what to do. He reacted like a three year old who didn't really know
how to tell his mom he needed some closeness and comfort.
***How should I handle these outbursts of anger. This is a new thing for
him in the last couple
of months.***
Try to be as understanding as you can. Try to think about what led to
him feeling so angry and frustrated. We all get angry, and almost no one
gets angry for no reason. See if you can identify the things that lead
to his frustration and head them off. Listen to him. He's trying so
hard to communicate with you! He's only had a few years on this planet,
speaking this language and trying to understand how things work. He
needs your help when things aren't going right.
It is hard to be little and to want to do things a little body or little
hands just aren't able to do yet. It's hard to not be able to express
yourself in terms other people clearly understand and respect.
Maybe he's tired and needs some quiet time in the rocking chair with you.
Maybe he's out of energy and needs a snack. He might not recognize the
symptoms of those things and so, can't express that to you.
Maybe he wants some sympathy when things are going wrong.
It's hard being a mom and especially a mom who's trying so hard
to get everything right. If you can remember he isn't trying to hurt
your feelings or make your life harder, he's just trying to communicate
some need or problem he has and he doesn't have all the skills to do that
yet. If you can think about that it will help you be more patient with
him. He wants to be happy and he wants you to be happy with him. Our
society portrays kids as working against their parents and it just isn't
so. I think in so many ways parents are conditioned to think of their
kids as adversaries. You don't have to. You can think of him as someone
who loves you and needs you a lot right now. Someone who wants to be
happy and feel good about himself and his mom. If you think of the
situation as both of you having the same goal you can work with him to
find solutions instead of feeling like your working against him.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I thought Deb's response was just brilliant and wanted to share it here.
~Kelly
***When I took him to the car he told me that he wanted to sit on my
lap.***
You made groceries more important than your baby. That sounds harsh but
I hope you can think about this in a new way.
He needed you. For some reason he needed to sit on your lap and be close
to you. Maybe he had a hard time at your mom's. Maybe he was longing for
you. Maybe he needed some close time to transition from the activity at
your mom's house to going home. He needed you and you decided milk was
more important than what he needed.
What if you'd held him? What if he was happy after ten minutes. The
milk would have been ok. What if he wanted you to hold him for forty
minutes? The milk might have still been ok, but what if it wasn't?
What if you had to go by more milk? The price of milk is not greater
than your son's comfort and happiness.
Surely you've "wasted" a few dollars on something that would brighten
your day, a new lipstick or nail polish or something. Your son needed a
moment of brightness with you.
If your other son was with you maybe he could have run the perishables in
to your mom's fridge until you were ready to go.
***I told him that when he hurt my feelings like that it made me not want
to buy him something. ***
And when you hurt his feelings by not being available to him he didn't
know what to do. He reacted like a three year old who didn't really know
how to tell his mom he needed some closeness and comfort.
***How should I handle these outbursts of anger. This is a new thing for
him in the last couple
of months.***
Try to be as understanding as you can. Try to think about what led to
him feeling so angry and frustrated. We all get angry, and almost no one
gets angry for no reason. See if you can identify the things that lead
to his frustration and head them off. Listen to him. He's trying so
hard to communicate with you! He's only had a few years on this planet,
speaking this language and trying to understand how things work. He
needs your help when things aren't going right.
It is hard to be little and to want to do things a little body or little
hands just aren't able to do yet. It's hard to not be able to express
yourself in terms other people clearly understand and respect.
Maybe he's tired and needs some quiet time in the rocking chair with you.
Maybe he's out of energy and needs a snack. He might not recognize the
symptoms of those things and so, can't express that to you.
Maybe he wants some sympathy when things are going wrong.
It's hard being a mom and especially a mom who's trying so hard
to get everything right. If you can remember he isn't trying to hurt
your feelings or make your life harder, he's just trying to communicate
some need or problem he has and he doesn't have all the skills to do that
yet. If you can think about that it will help you be more patient with
him. He wants to be happy and he wants you to be happy with him. Our
society portrays kids as working against their parents and it just isn't
so. I think in so many ways parents are conditioned to think of their
kids as adversaries. You don't have to. You can think of him as someone
who loves you and needs you a lot right now. Someone who wants to be
happy and feel good about himself and his mom. If you think of the
situation as both of you having the same goal you can work with him to
find solutions instead of feeling like your working against him.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Bogart
Thanks Kelly for posting this here.
Thanks Deb for a fantastic post. I love the reminder that our kids have only spent a few
years on this planet and are still trying to figure things out. Our job is to help them.
Great stuff.
Julie B
Our
Thanks Deb for a fantastic post. I love the reminder that our kids have only spent a few
years on this planet and are still trying to figure things out. Our job is to help them.
Great stuff.
Julie B
Our
> society portrays kids as working against their parents and it just isn't
> so. I think in so many ways parents are conditioned to think of their
> kids as adversaries. You don't have to. You can think of him as someone
> who loves you and needs you a lot right now. Someone who wants to be
> happy and feel good about himself and his mom. If you think of the
> situation as both of you having the same goal you can work with him to
> find solutions instead of feeling like your working against him.
>
> Deb Lewis
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]