Thoughts on rude adults (the ones who tag your kids as rude)
Sara
On allowing other adults to disrespect your child.....
As someone so aptly put it....I don't have time for it. Oh...They
were talking about being around those who didn't agree with
unschooling, but I want to direct that towards how people treat my
child. I feel increasingly put out by the adults who think my kid is
rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge.
A belated hello to all that may remember me. I've been gone a little
while. I went to the SOS last year, Kelli may remember me because I
helped her with the raffle. I didn't realize how much I missed
reading here until today. As I was cruising through the discussion it
occured to me to ask y'all if I was nuts about the above topic.
On an outing this weekend my son showed displeasure about the
schedule and got nailed. The ole "you just want your way and you're
not getting it" adult stepped right in. Instead of some discussion to
resolve the situation, nothing but censure evolved.
When he and I got a chance to review the problem, of course the
decision he made was to accept it....he wanted to continue to
participate. One wonders how much of this a child should have to
take. Sara in NC
As someone so aptly put it....I don't have time for it. Oh...They
were talking about being around those who didn't agree with
unschooling, but I want to direct that towards how people treat my
child. I feel increasingly put out by the adults who think my kid is
rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge.
A belated hello to all that may remember me. I've been gone a little
while. I went to the SOS last year, Kelli may remember me because I
helped her with the raffle. I didn't realize how much I missed
reading here until today. As I was cruising through the discussion it
occured to me to ask y'all if I was nuts about the above topic.
On an outing this weekend my son showed displeasure about the
schedule and got nailed. The ole "you just want your way and you're
not getting it" adult stepped right in. Instead of some discussion to
resolve the situation, nothing but censure evolved.
When he and I got a chance to review the problem, of course the
decision he made was to accept it....he wanted to continue to
participate. One wonders how much of this a child should have to
take. Sara in NC
Naturally Organic
I feel increasingly put out by the adults who think my kid is
rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge.
Tanya
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rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge.
>>Ah, yes. Just because my child doesn't want to hug you (general you), doesn't make them rude. It's their choice, it's their body, it's their space. You may not speak to them in a harsh tone of voice simply because they do not comply to YOUR requests! I had a problem with a woman at church several years ago over this issue. She felt that not only should children obey their parents, but they should also obey any other adult within the church, without question. I. think. not. Aside from her, I mostly feel uncomfortable when adults attempt to demand that my children do this or that. I"m not sure what to say, or what to do. With the above mentioned woman I never even really confronted her about it. I just avoided her whenever possible. I hate feeling like that.
Tanya
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[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/04 10:51:31 AM, cheeps4u@... writes:
<< I feel increasingly put out by the adults who think my kid is
rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge. >>
Depends where the adults are and what they're in charge of. I don't like it
when kids are rude at my house (meaning mean to my kids, or destructive, or
they disregard what I want even though it's my house).
-=On an outing this weekend my son showed displeasure about the
schedule and got nailed. The ole "you just want your way and you're
not getting it" adult stepped right in. Instead of some discussion to
resolve the situation, nothing but censure evolved.-=-
Was it a schedule that could have been changed? If not, he was just
complaining which didn't add to the merriment of others' days. Were you there?
Could he have just complained to you?
-=-of course the decision he made was to accept it....he wanted to continue
to
participate. One wonders how much of this a child should have to
take.-=-
No knowing the situation, I'm inclined to think if he went on an outing
organized by someone else, he has agree in advance to participate willingly.
Sandra
<< I feel increasingly put out by the adults who think my kid is
rude because he's expected to kowtow to the adults in charge. >>
Depends where the adults are and what they're in charge of. I don't like it
when kids are rude at my house (meaning mean to my kids, or destructive, or
they disregard what I want even though it's my house).
-=On an outing this weekend my son showed displeasure about the
schedule and got nailed. The ole "you just want your way and you're
not getting it" adult stepped right in. Instead of some discussion to
resolve the situation, nothing but censure evolved.-=-
Was it a schedule that could have been changed? If not, he was just
complaining which didn't add to the merriment of others' days. Were you there?
Could he have just complained to you?
-=-of course the decision he made was to accept it....he wanted to continue
to
participate. One wonders how much of this a child should have to
take.-=-
No knowing the situation, I'm inclined to think if he went on an outing
organized by someone else, he has agree in advance to participate willingly.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/04 1:10:07 PM, naturallyorganic@... writes:
<< You may not speak to them in a harsh tone of voice simply because they do
not comply to YOUR requests! >>
If they're in my house and ignore a polite request and an explanation and a
"thanks," and if half an hour later my daughter is screaming because they're
into her stuff AGAIN, I can speak to that child in a harsh tone of voice.
If my children go to your house and seem to not give a rat's ass what you or
your children want or ask them to do or not to do, feel free to speak to them
in a harsh voice.
(The odds of my kids not caring what other people want seem, in my
experience, to be nil, because we have always tried to care about what they wanted, and
thanked them really nicely when we saw them being generous with other kids.)
-=- I had a problem with a woman at church several years ago over this issue.
She felt that not only should children obey their parents, but they should
also obey any other adult within the church, without question. -=-
I agree, that's goofy.
On the other hand, if what she was asking them to do was church policy or
simple courtesy (don't run across pews or scream in the yard during a baptism or
whatever), then they should've complied not because it was an adult, but
because it made sense.
-=-I mostly feel uncomfortable when adults attempt to demand that my children
do this or that. I"m not sure what to say, or what to do. -=-
I think it depends what your kids were doing and where, and how and why the
adult made the request.
-=-I just avoided her whenever possible. I hate feeling like that. -=-
Instead of trying to change the world, I have tried to equip my children to
live in the world.
Sandra
<< You may not speak to them in a harsh tone of voice simply because they do
not comply to YOUR requests! >>
If they're in my house and ignore a polite request and an explanation and a
"thanks," and if half an hour later my daughter is screaming because they're
into her stuff AGAIN, I can speak to that child in a harsh tone of voice.
If my children go to your house and seem to not give a rat's ass what you or
your children want or ask them to do or not to do, feel free to speak to them
in a harsh voice.
(The odds of my kids not caring what other people want seem, in my
experience, to be nil, because we have always tried to care about what they wanted, and
thanked them really nicely when we saw them being generous with other kids.)
-=- I had a problem with a woman at church several years ago over this issue.
She felt that not only should children obey their parents, but they should
also obey any other adult within the church, without question. -=-
I agree, that's goofy.
On the other hand, if what she was asking them to do was church policy or
simple courtesy (don't run across pews or scream in the yard during a baptism or
whatever), then they should've complied not because it was an adult, but
because it made sense.
-=-I mostly feel uncomfortable when adults attempt to demand that my children
do this or that. I"m not sure what to say, or what to do. -=-
I think it depends what your kids were doing and where, and how and why the
adult made the request.
-=-I just avoided her whenever possible. I hate feeling like that. -=-
Instead of trying to change the world, I have tried to equip my children to
live in the world.
Sandra
Sara
Sandra-"Depends where the adults are and what they're in charge of.
I don't like it when kids are rude at my house (meaning mean to my
kids, or destructive, or they disregard what I want even though it's
my house). Was it a schedule that could have been changed? If not, he
was just complaining which didn't add to the merriment of others'
days. Were you there? Could he have just complained to you?"
Me-It boiled down to schedule and what three young teen boys could
do, one boy didn't want to do what the other two did so I was there
and I stayed with him while the other two did an activity that was
planned ahead but not timed into that day. The host mother basically
told them what to do after first telling them they could do whatever
they could agree on. So of course the decision he made was to accept
it....he wanted to continue to participate. One wonders how much of
this a child should have to take. See....she didn't allow discussion
after she told them to figure it out. She just got stung when my son
wanted to do something the other boy didn't.
Sandra-Not knowing the situation, I'm inclined to think if he went on
an outing organized by someone else, he has agreed in advance to
participate willingly.
I did remind him when there were three or four kids not all the time
would everyone agree, to go with the best thing for the group before
we went.
I guess my gripe with adults is that I've tried so hard to teach him
to respect adults yet when he honestly shows disappointment many
think he is rude. And I have talked to him about how important using
the right language is. Sometimes I see hear kids being so called rude
but it's more of a blunt and honest statement to me.
I don't like it when kids are rude at my house (meaning mean to my
kids, or destructive, or they disregard what I want even though it's
my house). Was it a schedule that could have been changed? If not, he
was just complaining which didn't add to the merriment of others'
days. Were you there? Could he have just complained to you?"
Me-It boiled down to schedule and what three young teen boys could
do, one boy didn't want to do what the other two did so I was there
and I stayed with him while the other two did an activity that was
planned ahead but not timed into that day. The host mother basically
told them what to do after first telling them they could do whatever
they could agree on. So of course the decision he made was to accept
it....he wanted to continue to participate. One wonders how much of
this a child should have to take. See....she didn't allow discussion
after she told them to figure it out. She just got stung when my son
wanted to do something the other boy didn't.
Sandra-Not knowing the situation, I'm inclined to think if he went on
an outing organized by someone else, he has agreed in advance to
participate willingly.
I did remind him when there were three or four kids not all the time
would everyone agree, to go with the best thing for the group before
we went.
I guess my gripe with adults is that I've tried so hard to teach him
to respect adults yet when he honestly shows disappointment many
think he is rude. And I have talked to him about how important using
the right language is. Sometimes I see hear kids being so called rude
but it's more of a blunt and honest statement to me.
Sara
"I had a problem with a woman at church several years ago over this
issue. She felt that not only should children obey their parents, but
they should also obey any other adult within the church, without
question. I mostly feel uncomfortable when adults attempt to demand
that my children do this or that. I"m not sure what to say, or what
to do. I just avoided her whenever possible. I hate feeling like
that."
"Instead of trying to change the world, I have tried to equip my
children to live in the world." Sandra
I feel very angry when my children are ordered around, especially
when they've already willingly helped in some way. Sometimes other
adults have questioned me on their ability to do helpful tasks,
basically belittling them, thinking they can't handle something. I
agree that they must be taught to live in the world; I know people
won't change but I want children respected and I don't feel it
happens much at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much and maybe my child
is rude too. I was very meek and guilt ridden at his age and would do
anything for anyone to the point of unhealthiness. I look back and
see how abused I was by certain neighbors and family. I would never
speak up for myself and this is why I want him to be able to express
his wants....I want someone to listen to him, to all the kids....not
just make decisions for them. I can't decide which is better,
occasional rudeness with the possiblity of getting nailed or staying
mute and feeling low about it. And then again, I could be like I
think these adults are and maybe not care. I guess my personal
experience has me sensitive about it.
Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might say
to the point of selfishness. I like for my son to make decisions and
do his own thing. I decided to homeschool when he was three; I don't
remember how I heard of it. I soon realized I had unschooled him from
birth after exploring the movement.
issue. She felt that not only should children obey their parents, but
they should also obey any other adult within the church, without
question. I mostly feel uncomfortable when adults attempt to demand
that my children do this or that. I"m not sure what to say, or what
to do. I just avoided her whenever possible. I hate feeling like
that."
"Instead of trying to change the world, I have tried to equip my
children to live in the world." Sandra
I feel very angry when my children are ordered around, especially
when they've already willingly helped in some way. Sometimes other
adults have questioned me on their ability to do helpful tasks,
basically belittling them, thinking they can't handle something. I
agree that they must be taught to live in the world; I know people
won't change but I want children respected and I don't feel it
happens much at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much and maybe my child
is rude too. I was very meek and guilt ridden at his age and would do
anything for anyone to the point of unhealthiness. I look back and
see how abused I was by certain neighbors and family. I would never
speak up for myself and this is why I want him to be able to express
his wants....I want someone to listen to him, to all the kids....not
just make decisions for them. I can't decide which is better,
occasional rudeness with the possiblity of getting nailed or staying
mute and feeling low about it. And then again, I could be like I
think these adults are and maybe not care. I guess my personal
experience has me sensitive about it.
Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might say
to the point of selfishness. I like for my son to make decisions and
do his own thing. I decided to homeschool when he was three; I don't
remember how I heard of it. I soon realized I had unschooled him from
birth after exploring the movement.
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/4/04 9:56:14 PM, cheeps4u@... writes:
<< I can't decide which is better,
occasional rudeness with the possiblity of getting nailed or staying
mute and feeling low about it. >>
Those aren't the only two choices.
<<Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might say
to the point of selfishness.>>
My kids are really not selfish. They're considerate, sometimes to a fault.
Given a choice between getting their way and hurting someone else's feelings,
they usually "go with the guest," and let the other kid choose. Some of
their guests seem to have had no such inspiration or thoughts, and that's when it
gets rough. Negotiating is one thing. Grabbing is another. Some kids,
knowing my kids will likely accommodate them, get very grabby (of
time/attention/plans) and in such cases I have been known to step in and say "HEY! Can you
share the power?" And if the answer's sure, which it usually is, the problem is
over. If the answer's no, sometimes a kid goes home earlier than planned.
-=-I like for my son to make decisions and do his own thing. -=-
My kids make lots of decisions, but they know there are differences of time
and place that limit their rights and freedoms.
There are some rude adults, but I've been exposed to some kids who really
truly didn't seem to have the concept of boundaries or courtesy, and that's
embarrassing when the justification is unschooling-related.
Howard Gardner's multiple intelligences work convinces me that some people
have more interpersonal intelligence than others, and the self-knowing
inTRApersonal intelligence can be helpful too. When a child doesn't have much of that
naturally, I think the parent needs to help equip him with other tricks or
tools to help make up for it. When the child doesn't have much and the parent
doesn't either, that's when the problems are worst.
Sandra
Sandra
<< I can't decide which is better,
occasional rudeness with the possiblity of getting nailed or staying
mute and feeling low about it. >>
Those aren't the only two choices.
<<Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might say
to the point of selfishness.>>
My kids are really not selfish. They're considerate, sometimes to a fault.
Given a choice between getting their way and hurting someone else's feelings,
they usually "go with the guest," and let the other kid choose. Some of
their guests seem to have had no such inspiration or thoughts, and that's when it
gets rough. Negotiating is one thing. Grabbing is another. Some kids,
knowing my kids will likely accommodate them, get very grabby (of
time/attention/plans) and in such cases I have been known to step in and say "HEY! Can you
share the power?" And if the answer's sure, which it usually is, the problem is
over. If the answer's no, sometimes a kid goes home earlier than planned.
-=-I like for my son to make decisions and do his own thing. -=-
My kids make lots of decisions, but they know there are differences of time
and place that limit their rights and freedoms.
There are some rude adults, but I've been exposed to some kids who really
truly didn't seem to have the concept of boundaries or courtesy, and that's
embarrassing when the justification is unschooling-related.
Howard Gardner's multiple intelligences work convinces me that some people
have more interpersonal intelligence than others, and the self-knowing
inTRApersonal intelligence can be helpful too. When a child doesn't have much of that
naturally, I think the parent needs to help equip him with other tricks or
tools to help make up for it. When the child doesn't have much and the parent
doesn't either, that's when the problems are worst.
Sandra
Sandra
Sara
"I can't decide which is better, occasional rudeness with the
possiblity of getting nailed or staying mute and feeling low about
it."
<<Those aren't the only two choices.>>
What other choices do you suggest when a young teen has been cut off
by an adult in charge that doesn't seem open to discussion? When it
is appropriate to question...
"Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might
say to the point of selfishness."
<<My kids are really not selfish. They're considerate, sometimes to
a fault. Given a choice between getting their way and hurting
someone else's feelings, they usually "go with the guest," and let
the other kid choose. Some of their guests seem to have had no such
inspiration or thoughts, and that's when it gets rough. Negotiating
is one thing. Grabbing is another. Some kids, knowing my kids will
likely accommodate them, get very grabby (of time/attention/plans)
and in such cases I have been known to step in and say "HEY! Can you
share the power?" And if the answer's sure, which it usually is, the
problem is over. If the answer's no, sometimes a kid goes home
earlier than planned.">>
I agree, if a child does get tiresome in his continuing demands
without thought of what can work for everyone....let him go. When
this happens in our home, I do try to talk to them and give them a
voice several times before they go. This is the child that I feel
isn't respected where he lives. Normally a respected child doesn't
have too many problems within a group. I have less problem working
with the kids than the adult they belong to.
"I like for my son to make decisions and do his own thing."
<<My kids make lots of decisions, but they know there are differences
of time and place that limit their rights and freedoms.>>
As does mine.
<<There are some rude adults, but I've been exposed to some kids who
really truly didn't seem to have the concept of boundaries or
courtesy, and that's embarrassing when the justification is
unschooling-related. Howard Gardner's multiple intelligences work
convinces me that some people have more interpersonal intelligence
than others, and the self-knowing inTRApersonal intelligence can be
helpful too. When a child doesn't have much of that naturally, I
think the parent needs to help equip him with other tricks or tools
to help make up for it. When the child doesn't have much and the
parent doesn't either, that's when the problems are worst.
Sandra>>
Quite so....
possiblity of getting nailed or staying mute and feeling low about
it."
<<Those aren't the only two choices.>>
What other choices do you suggest when a young teen has been cut off
by an adult in charge that doesn't seem open to discussion? When it
is appropriate to question...
"Unschooling includes a great deal of personal freedom, some might
say to the point of selfishness."
<<My kids are really not selfish. They're considerate, sometimes to
a fault. Given a choice between getting their way and hurting
someone else's feelings, they usually "go with the guest," and let
the other kid choose. Some of their guests seem to have had no such
inspiration or thoughts, and that's when it gets rough. Negotiating
is one thing. Grabbing is another. Some kids, knowing my kids will
likely accommodate them, get very grabby (of time/attention/plans)
and in such cases I have been known to step in and say "HEY! Can you
share the power?" And if the answer's sure, which it usually is, the
problem is over. If the answer's no, sometimes a kid goes home
earlier than planned.">>
I agree, if a child does get tiresome in his continuing demands
without thought of what can work for everyone....let him go. When
this happens in our home, I do try to talk to them and give them a
voice several times before they go. This is the child that I feel
isn't respected where he lives. Normally a respected child doesn't
have too many problems within a group. I have less problem working
with the kids than the adult they belong to.
"I like for my son to make decisions and do his own thing."
<<My kids make lots of decisions, but they know there are differences
of time and place that limit their rights and freedoms.>>
As does mine.
<<There are some rude adults, but I've been exposed to some kids who
really truly didn't seem to have the concept of boundaries or
courtesy, and that's embarrassing when the justification is
unschooling-related. Howard Gardner's multiple intelligences work
convinces me that some people have more interpersonal intelligence
than others, and the self-knowing inTRApersonal intelligence can be
helpful too. When a child doesn't have much of that naturally, I
think the parent needs to help equip him with other tricks or tools
to help make up for it. When the child doesn't have much and the
parent doesn't either, that's when the problems are worst.
Sandra>>
Quite so....
[email protected]
In a message dated 6/5/04 9:59:38 AM, cheeps4u@... writes:
<< What other choices do you suggest when a young teen has been cut off
by an adult in charge that doesn't seem open to discussion? When it
is appropriate to question... >>
Coach the teen instead of trying to change the adults.
[when there are problems with kids being demanding...:]
<< This is the child that I feel
isn't respected where he lives. Normally a respected child doesn't
have too many problems within a group. I have less problem working
with the kids than the adult they belong to.>>
I agree. I don't try to change the parents. I just deal with the child and
what's expected at my house.
Sandra
<< What other choices do you suggest when a young teen has been cut off
by an adult in charge that doesn't seem open to discussion? When it
is appropriate to question... >>
Coach the teen instead of trying to change the adults.
[when there are problems with kids being demanding...:]
<< This is the child that I feel
isn't respected where he lives. Normally a respected child doesn't
have too many problems within a group. I have less problem working
with the kids than the adult they belong to.>>
I agree. I don't try to change the parents. I just deal with the child and
what's expected at my house.
Sandra