Tiffany Tan

Julie, what marvelous advice! Would you mind sharing your website address
(here if it's appropriate or offlist)?

Tiffany
tiftan@...


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Have a Nice Day!

Can you share your website? I'd love to look at it!!

Kristen


----- Original Message -----
From: Julie Bogart
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, June 02, 2004 12:31 PM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: Highly Sensitive People


--- In [email protected], "kayb85" <sheran@p...>
wrote:

this has given me a lot to think about! Thanks for writing this
> out. Now I'm thinking I should be making more of an effort at
> pursuing my own interests.

Shouldn't require a big effort.

Reading your day made me exhausted! :) I'm thinking of it this way.

If you have a book you love to read, why not let the kids know what
you'd like to do, as well? Say to them, "I'll play these board games
with you today, and I'm also planning to read a chapter from this book
right after lunch. What would you like to do during that time that
doesn't need me?"

You could offer to pop in a video tape or to have them also read to
themselves during that time.

Last year when life got crazy with activities and driving and TV and
computers, I realized I needed some quiet. I asked the kids if they'd
mind if I lit a candle for half an hour and we used that half hour as a
quiet time in the house. No music, TV, videos. Anyone could read or
play quietly in any room of the house, but no loud discussions or
running through the house games.

They were willing. We did this for a couple weeks. It helped me when I
needed it. We stopped when it became irksome to the youngest.

What I'm realizing is that we need to help our kids to realize that we
are humans who live with them and have needs/wants/limits too. This
doesn't have to be oppressive or punitive or neglecting. It's just
real. They don't mind supporting a mom when she needs it.

Yet I still feel that pursuing my own
> interests WILL be competing with my children's interests to some
> point. From past experience, I know that they do. Me pursuing my
> own interests almost always results in me telling the kids "No" at
> some point.

What do you mean "No"? If you're making dinner, doesn't that mean you
can't play a game?

If you are peeing in the bathroom or taking a shower, doesn't that mean
you aren't available?

If the only time your kids see you not with them is to do personal
hygiene and care-taking, they will feel that you exist solely for their
use/entertainment. Then they resent you when you take time away from
them. But if you all live together in the home sharing interests,
helping pitch in to make lunch or clean up, life is lived for everyone,
not just for the sake of some.

>
> It's only 9:30 am and I already have a huge list of what the kids
> want to do with me today. The list will get longer as we go further
> on in the day (it always does! lol).

Why a list?

>
> I need to pause a minute to breathe or I'll get really overwhelmed
> thinking about adding one of my own interests to this day. :)

That's the difference right there. It shouldn't be that you are adding
anything. Your interests will naturally come out of you. For instance,
have you turned on a CD of music that you enjoy today? (Just put it on
the CD player-doesn't take time away from anyone.)

Have you lit a candle or arranged a couple of flowers?

Can you put the talk radio show on that you like while you make lunch?

Can you leave an art book on the kitchen table open to a favorite
painting and look at it each time you walk by?

You don't need to "make time" for interests as much as stay interested.
Start tiny. I used to read while I nursed the baby. I miss that time so
much, actually. When your kids color pictures, use real art pencils so
that you can color with them and make something really pretty for you.
Tape it to the refrigerator.

Pick out some videos at the library that you like and watch them with
your kids. If they say "boring" let them know that you are going to
watch five or ten minutes of it and then play the board game.

My point is this. What a mom often means when she says she doesn't have
time to pursue her interests is that she has lost touch with what
interests her because her life has become so consumed with the primary
interest: raising children. Guilt prevents remembering what she liked
(what colors, music, movies, hand crafts etc.).

But over time, a slow burn grows until one day depression is often the
result.

Also, kids grow up and need you less and then it's easy to resent their
growing independence.
>
> I don't get when people say, "I do my thing and when they need me, I
> stop and help them and then go back to my own thing". Because when I
> stop to help them they have me helping them all day long. That's not
> an exaggeration.

Perhaps your kids are used to that lifestyle. What if they began to see
you emerge? What if they discovered they could help mom pick out her
favorite CDs at the library? My daughter used to find art books for me
when she was only 5 knowing that I loved to look at them. It goes both
ways.

I thought I had this resolved in my own head, that
> that's just the way things are, that I need to accept it and
> appreciate that they want to be with me so much, that they won't be
> little forever so appreciate while it lasts. Now you have me
> doubting that again. :)

It's both. You'll never get this time back as a mother or as an adult
at whatever age you are. Both/and. Children require the lion's share
but not all.

>
> When I first read your post yesterday, it really struck a chord with
> me. I can see the truth in what you wrote. So yesterday I got out
> some books that I thought would make some good altered books. I had
> read about people doing this and it interested me a lot. Of course I
> did most of it while staying up really late after the kids went to
> bed <grin> but at least I did it. :) (I'm TIRED now! lol I only
> got 4 hours of sleep and I need much more than that.)

Being tired isn't the worst thing in the world. :) But perhaps you are
on a binge/purge cycle. Don't toss the book or the idea. Just "alter"
<g> the amount you read tonight.

>
> I hear the kids out in the livingroom beginning to fight. Alisha
> just asked me how much longer I'm going to be on the computer. Deep
> breath...Gotta go try to find some kind of balance to this day!


Good idea. Small steps.

Julie

P.S. I don't mean to sound like a "know-it-all" but I've actually spent
quite a bit of time on this topic. I have a website for moms growing in
their own educations and have spoken numerous times to homeschool mom
groups about how to be a self-educated, nurtured adult while a fully
active homeschooling (unschooling) mom. <g>



"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.

Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com


Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
ADVERTISEMENT





------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links

a.. To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/

b.. To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

c.. Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie Bogart

--- In [email protected], "Have a Nice Day!" <litlrooh@e...>
wrote:
> Can you share your website? I'd love to look at it!!
>
> Kristen

Sure. :)

The Trapdoor Society

http://www.trapdoorsociety.com


Julie Bogart (Aka Jazz on that site)

Julie Bogart

--- In [email protected], "kayb85" <sheran@p...>
wrote:

this has given me a lot to think about! Thanks for writing this
> out. Now I'm thinking I should be making more of an effort at
> pursuing my own interests.

Shouldn't require a big effort.

Reading your day made me exhausted! :) I'm thinking of it this way.

If you have a book you love to read, why not let the kids know what
you'd like to do, as well? Say to them, "I'll play these board games
with you today, and I'm also planning to read a chapter from this book
right after lunch. What would you like to do during that time that
doesn't need me?"

You could offer to pop in a video tape or to have them also read to
themselves during that time.

Last year when life got crazy with activities and driving and TV and
computers, I realized I needed some quiet. I asked the kids if they'd
mind if I lit a candle for half an hour and we used that half hour as a
quiet time in the house. No music, TV, videos. Anyone could read or
play quietly in any room of the house, but no loud discussions or
running through the house games.

They were willing. We did this for a couple weeks. It helped me when I
needed it. We stopped when it became irksome to the youngest.

What I'm realizing is that we need to help our kids to realize that we
are humans who live with them and have needs/wants/limits too. This
doesn't have to be oppressive or punitive or neglecting. It's just
real. They don't mind supporting a mom when she needs it.

Yet I still feel that pursuing my own
> interests WILL be competing with my children's interests to some
> point. From past experience, I know that they do. Me pursuing my
> own interests almost always results in me telling the kids "No" at
> some point.

What do you mean "No"? If you're making dinner, doesn't that mean you
can't play a game?

If you are peeing in the bathroom or taking a shower, doesn't that mean
you aren't available?

If the only time your kids see you not with them is to do personal
hygiene and care-taking, they will feel that you exist solely for their
use/entertainment. Then they resent you when you take time away from
them. But if you all live together in the home sharing interests,
helping pitch in to make lunch or clean up, life is lived for everyone,
not just for the sake of some.

>
> It's only 9:30 am and I already have a huge list of what the kids
> want to do with me today. The list will get longer as we go further
> on in the day (it always does! lol).

Why a list?

>
> I need to pause a minute to breathe or I'll get really overwhelmed
> thinking about adding one of my own interests to this day. :)

That's the difference right there. It shouldn't be that you are adding
anything. Your interests will naturally come out of you. For instance,
have you turned on a CD of music that you enjoy today? (Just put it on
the CD player-doesn't take time away from anyone.)

Have you lit a candle or arranged a couple of flowers?

Can you put the talk radio show on that you like while you make lunch?

Can you leave an art book on the kitchen table open to a favorite
painting and look at it each time you walk by?

You don't need to "make time" for interests as much as stay interested.
Start tiny. I used to read while I nursed the baby. I miss that time so
much, actually. When your kids color pictures, use real art pencils so
that you can color with them and make something really pretty for you.
Tape it to the refrigerator.

Pick out some videos at the library that you like and watch them with
your kids. If they say "boring" let them know that you are going to
watch five or ten minutes of it and then play the board game.

My point is this. What a mom often means when she says she doesn't have
time to pursue her interests is that she has lost touch with what
interests her because her life has become so consumed with the primary
interest: raising children. Guilt prevents remembering what she liked
(what colors, music, movies, hand crafts etc.).

But over time, a slow burn grows until one day depression is often the
result.

Also, kids grow up and need you less and then it's easy to resent their
growing independence.
>
> I don't get when people say, "I do my thing and when they need me, I
> stop and help them and then go back to my own thing". Because when I
> stop to help them they have me helping them all day long. That's not
> an exaggeration.

Perhaps your kids are used to that lifestyle. What if they began to see
you emerge? What if they discovered they could help mom pick out her
favorite CDs at the library? My daughter used to find art books for me
when she was only 5 knowing that I loved to look at them. It goes both
ways.

I thought I had this resolved in my own head, that
> that's just the way things are, that I need to accept it and
> appreciate that they want to be with me so much, that they won't be
> little forever so appreciate while it lasts. Now you have me
> doubting that again. :)

It's both. You'll never get this time back as a mother or as an adult
at whatever age you are. Both/and. Children require the lion's share
but not all.

>
> When I first read your post yesterday, it really struck a chord with
> me. I can see the truth in what you wrote. So yesterday I got out
> some books that I thought would make some good altered books. I had
> read about people doing this and it interested me a lot. Of course I
> did most of it while staying up really late after the kids went to
> bed <grin> but at least I did it. :) (I'm TIRED now! lol I only
> got 4 hours of sleep and I need much more than that.)

Being tired isn't the worst thing in the world. :) But perhaps you are
on a binge/purge cycle. Don't toss the book or the idea. Just "alter"
<g> the amount you read tonight.

>
> I hear the kids out in the livingroom beginning to fight. Alisha
> just asked me how much longer I'm going to be on the computer. Deep
> breath...Gotta go try to find some kind of balance to this day!


Good idea. Small steps.

Julie

P.S. I don't mean to sound like a "know-it-all" but I've actually spent
quite a bit of time on this topic. I have a website for moms growing in
their own educations and have spoken numerous times to homeschool mom
groups about how to be a self-educated, nurtured adult while a fully
active homeschooling (unschooling) mom. <g>

[email protected]

Julie, do you mind sending me the link for the website? I struggle with a lot of the same issues that have been discussed lately.

Thanx
~Rebecca

--
You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
-Calvin



> P.S. I don't mean to sound like a "know-it-all" but I've actually spent
> quite a bit of time on this topic. I have a website for moms growing in
> their own educations and have spoken numerous times to homeschool mom
> groups about how to be a self-educated, nurtured adult while a fully
> active homeschooling (unschooling) mom. <g>