Privileges (was wallpaper peelers)
Danielle Conger
Dawn wrote: My daughter's been using scissors since she was two. And half
the time it's been my big sewing scissors when we couldn't find her little
ones. I'm not sure what to think of privlidges. To me they sound like
something you dangle over a kids head for good behaviour, too much like
rewards. I can't fit privledges into the context of my life right now. My
daughter has scissors privlidges I guess but simply because she went and
used them, not because I deemed she was ready. My two year old has outlet
privledges but simply because he went and learned how to plug stuff in not
because I deemed him mature enough. I suppose the difference may be that I
watch my kids take on new responsibilities and 'priviledges' as they
themselves decide they're ready and able and you prefer to issue them as you
see them conform to your idea of maturity?
=================
I'd like to riff on privileges a bit, since I used that word in my post as
well and would like to hear what folks here have to say about it.
I agree with the sentiment Dawn's expressing above, but I think that there
are different ways of using the word "privilege." Sometimes privileges are
used as rewards for conforming to expected behaviors, which is what Dawn's
balking at, I think--and I do, too when those expectations are knee-jerk and
unexamined. But, I do believe that there are such things as "privilege" and
"responsibility" that can be used in the absence of this kind of behavior
training. Maybe they can't be; maybe we need different words altogether, I
don't know. I guess that's what I'm wanting to explore here. I think there
is a balance to be struck between a knee-jerk revoking of privileges and a
careful explanation and exploration of what "privilege" means. Does that
make sense?
Some practical examples:
I think that the privilege of using scissors or a knife comes with the
responsibility of using them appropriately, though I definitely believe in
redirecting or figuring out alternative ways of exploring an undesirable
use. Don't cut new clothes with scissors, but do cut old clothes, fabric
scraps, etc. Don't use the knife to carve the table or other furniture; do
use the knife to carve soap, balsam wood, etc. The privilege of having toy
swords comes with the responsibility of not hitting one's sisters or the dog
with them. (Gosh, I hate it when all my examples are about my little guy!)
Basically, I've tried to redirect, offer alternatives, and as a last resort
remove the privilege until "you're ready to try again." This isn't done
punitively, and the decision is always theirs as to when they are ready to
try again--sometime in 5 min, 5 hours or the next day. That's pretty much
what happened with the crayons in my example in the other post. They would
try again, and the mad crayoner would strike again. *g* Eventually, though,
these things get worked through without too much ado.
Thoughts?
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
the time it's been my big sewing scissors when we couldn't find her little
ones. I'm not sure what to think of privlidges. To me they sound like
something you dangle over a kids head for good behaviour, too much like
rewards. I can't fit privledges into the context of my life right now. My
daughter has scissors privlidges I guess but simply because she went and
used them, not because I deemed she was ready. My two year old has outlet
privledges but simply because he went and learned how to plug stuff in not
because I deemed him mature enough. I suppose the difference may be that I
watch my kids take on new responsibilities and 'priviledges' as they
themselves decide they're ready and able and you prefer to issue them as you
see them conform to your idea of maturity?
=================
I'd like to riff on privileges a bit, since I used that word in my post as
well and would like to hear what folks here have to say about it.
I agree with the sentiment Dawn's expressing above, but I think that there
are different ways of using the word "privilege." Sometimes privileges are
used as rewards for conforming to expected behaviors, which is what Dawn's
balking at, I think--and I do, too when those expectations are knee-jerk and
unexamined. But, I do believe that there are such things as "privilege" and
"responsibility" that can be used in the absence of this kind of behavior
training. Maybe they can't be; maybe we need different words altogether, I
don't know. I guess that's what I'm wanting to explore here. I think there
is a balance to be struck between a knee-jerk revoking of privileges and a
careful explanation and exploration of what "privilege" means. Does that
make sense?
Some practical examples:
I think that the privilege of using scissors or a knife comes with the
responsibility of using them appropriately, though I definitely believe in
redirecting or figuring out alternative ways of exploring an undesirable
use. Don't cut new clothes with scissors, but do cut old clothes, fabric
scraps, etc. Don't use the knife to carve the table or other furniture; do
use the knife to carve soap, balsam wood, etc. The privilege of having toy
swords comes with the responsibility of not hitting one's sisters or the dog
with them. (Gosh, I hate it when all my examples are about my little guy!)
Basically, I've tried to redirect, offer alternatives, and as a last resort
remove the privilege until "you're ready to try again." This isn't done
punitively, and the decision is always theirs as to when they are ready to
try again--sometime in 5 min, 5 hours or the next day. That's pretty much
what happened with the crayons in my example in the other post. They would
try again, and the mad crayoner would strike again. *g* Eventually, though,
these things get worked through without too much ado.
Thoughts?
--Danielle
http://www.danielleconger.com/Homeschool/Welcomehome.html
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/25/04 11:37:02 AM, danielle.conger@... writes:
<< But, I do believe that there are such things as "privilege" and
"responsibility" that can be used in the absence of this kind of behavior
training. Maybe they can't be; maybe we need different words altogether, I
don't know. I guess that's what I'm wanting to explore here. I think there
is a balance to be struck between a knee-jerk revoking of privileges and a
careful explanation and exploration of what "privilege" means. >>
I agree that there is the "I awarded you a privilege" (like a furlough for
doing best in basic training or some such) and the leeway/freedom parents allow
a child to have because they just trust him.
All our kids have the privilege of getting into our cash and getting what
they need. They ask first if we're there to ask. None of them has ever abused
it. They bring us change when they use our money. They tell us what they
spent. If Holly says "Can I have my allowance?" I might say "get it out of Ke
ith's wallet," or "here's $5 and get the rest out of my change cup."
Last night Marty came and said "I'm going with Ryan to play games at
[somebody's house I don't know]." I didn't quibble about the fact that he hadn't
asked me, he was just telling me. We both knew his evening was free. He must
REALLY have wanted to go, since he was turning off a new and exciting online
video game to go, and Ryan's just lately back from college for summer so they're
excited to hang out with him. And Kirby wasn't going, just Marty! (Kirby was
still at karate and needed to work the next morning.)
I asked who the guy was whose house they were going to, and whether Ryan had
the same cellphone number I have on file. Satisfied with the answers, I said
"Okay." Gave him $5 for a burger. Was happy to see him go so merrily away.
I don't know if it's privelege or trust or ebb and flow or long leash or what.
Sandra
<< But, I do believe that there are such things as "privilege" and
"responsibility" that can be used in the absence of this kind of behavior
training. Maybe they can't be; maybe we need different words altogether, I
don't know. I guess that's what I'm wanting to explore here. I think there
is a balance to be struck between a knee-jerk revoking of privileges and a
careful explanation and exploration of what "privilege" means. >>
I agree that there is the "I awarded you a privilege" (like a furlough for
doing best in basic training or some such) and the leeway/freedom parents allow
a child to have because they just trust him.
All our kids have the privilege of getting into our cash and getting what
they need. They ask first if we're there to ask. None of them has ever abused
it. They bring us change when they use our money. They tell us what they
spent. If Holly says "Can I have my allowance?" I might say "get it out of Ke
ith's wallet," or "here's $5 and get the rest out of my change cup."
Last night Marty came and said "I'm going with Ryan to play games at
[somebody's house I don't know]." I didn't quibble about the fact that he hadn't
asked me, he was just telling me. We both knew his evening was free. He must
REALLY have wanted to go, since he was turning off a new and exciting online
video game to go, and Ryan's just lately back from college for summer so they're
excited to hang out with him. And Kirby wasn't going, just Marty! (Kirby was
still at karate and needed to work the next morning.)
I asked who the guy was whose house they were going to, and whether Ryan had
the same cellphone number I have on file. Satisfied with the answers, I said
"Okay." Gave him $5 for a burger. Was happy to see him go so merrily away.
I don't know if it's privelege or trust or ebb and flow or long leash or what.
Sandra
Priscilla Martinez
SandraDodd@... wrote:
house! so, even what we do ebbs and flows, but i strive to remember that it will "ebb and flow" and that "in the end" (!) we're doing great! and we get to relax and enjoy each other.
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>>I don't know if it's privelege or trust or ebb and flow >>or long leash or what.although sandra's use of "ebb and flow" in this post is in a particular context, i'd like to comment that it's a good way to describe many (if not all) aspects of parenting. it's an important concept to keep in mind when they're babies -- for example, when concerned about if their nutrition is well-rounded, the truth with my kids has been that it ebbs and flows on a daily, even weekly basis -- but "in the end" (!), yes it's well-rounded. in terms of unschooling for me, as i made the transition a few months ago, i was plagued by the workbook-monster whispering doubts in my ears about whether my kids are "doing enough." i'll admit i'm no veteran, but i've grown by leaps and bounds since then (compared to light-years that i have to go to have lived the wisdom some of you have!). in any case, the workbook-monster is quite dead now, and i'm left with days we'll make popcorn and watch movies together and days we garden together and days i hardly see them even though we're in the same
>>Sandra
house! so, even what we do ebbs and flows, but i strive to remember that it will "ebb and flow" and that "in the end" (!) we're doing great! and we get to relax and enjoy each other.
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