freee_breeeze

The recent posts on video games drew my interest quickly, because
I'm struggling somewhat with a problem (?). Maybe the 'problem' is
really just 'me', and how 'I' see the situation ;o).

I've made peace with the whole video game experience in our
household as far as length of time spent on video games, and even
the violence in video games, believing that if I trust my child to
be his own 'monitor' in what he can personally be comfortable with,
he will make the right choices for himself....BUT...

When he and dad play together, which is almost daily, my husband
becomes a 'child' during play, and the two of them can become fairly
verbally abusive to each other during game play, and get VERY LOUD
in their verbal attacks on each other.

We've talked about this so much, and are each aware of each other's
thoughts and feelings on it, but I'm interested in hearing other's
views on this.

Our child doesn't have siblings to play with every day, so my
husband feels he is playing the role of 'sibling' during thier
playtime, whether it be video games, wrestling, or whatever.

Our son has friends that he plays with on a regular basis, and I
believe he learns what he needs to learn about getting along with
other kids, without dad having to become a 'child' and engage in
such childish behaviors....

I wonder if this activity makes it difficult for our son to 'know'
when dad is being 'dad' or when he's being 'sibling'....for
instance, when dad is ready to 'quit', our son doesn't...he will
continue to try to incite arguements, etc.

I've actually sought out counseling for this, but haven't been
entirely honest with the counselors, because the counselors I've
come across don't even think our son should be spending so much time
on video games, shouldn't be exposed to the violence of the games,
and blah, blah, blah...in other words, I 'feel out' the counselors,
and decide before I even get into discussing the conflict, that the
counselor will have the 'usual' conventional opinions regarding kids
and video games, so I don't get any further in resolving the issue.

There are other issues at play here that make it difficult for me to
reach a peaceful end to this conflict.

For one thing, my husband resents all the time I spend with our son,
all the energies I put into raising him, which means less time for
him and me. Which leads me to believe that he is 'using' the
opportunity to let some of his frustrations out on our son....

Then there's the issue of our son being so much better at video
games than dad, that our son gets VERY annoyed at dad's lack of
expertise, and starts yelling at dad for being so 'stupid'....(our
son has been playing since he was 4 (he is now 8), and is very
skilled, and can do a lot of it while at the same time, carrying on
a conversation with someone else about something entirely unrelated
to the game).

When they are playing, I often go in and put a stop to it, because
it has become too verbally abusive IMO.

My husband was raised with two older brothers who overpowered him a
lot and, in my opinion, was very abusive to him. But much of what
happend in his life, he sees as 'boys being boys'. Some of it he
realizes was abusive, but most of it he attributes to just 'being
boys'.

The main reason all of this concerns me so greatly, is that I don't
want our son growing up feeling 'overpowered' by ANYONE for ANY
REASON.

Although our son holds his own in conflicts with dad, and treats his
dad like another kid, I'm not so sure all of this is healthy. I
know my son feels great frustration at times because his dad is so
much bigger and stronger than he is, and he knows that if push comes
down to shove, he will lose. On the other hand, I guess he needs to
know that he WILL lose sometimes in life.

My husband normally doesn't 'overpower' our son, unless our son has
become 'unmanageable', but *I* think the 'unmanageable' comes from
frustration in their relationship.

There are other issues involved, and I have plenty of other thoughts
on it, but this is getting rather long.

I don't mean to 'use' this list as a 'counseling' experience, but I
do need advice and greatly appreciate other's views on this.

Thanks in advance for any input!

the_clevengers

--- In [email protected], "freee_breeeze"
<freee_breeeze@y...> wrote:
> When he and dad play together, which is almost daily, my husband
> becomes a 'child' during play, and the two of them can become
fairly
> verbally abusive to each other during game play, and get VERY LOUD
> in their verbal attacks on each other.

Just my .02, that's not being "childish", that's being rude and
obnoxious. At least it would feel that way to me. I don't think I'd
want another child in my house if they acted in that manner and I
can't imagine my kids' friends acting like this when they are over
playing video games. Is there a way that the three of you can sit
down and come up with some principles you'd like to live by? In our
house, we don't verbally or physically abuse or attack another person
(unless it's things like wrestling or pillow fights, where all
parties are in agreement). This isn't a "rule" and there aren't any
punishments for breaking a rule, it's just how we'd all like to treat
each other and be treated. In the scenario you describe, what I'd
worry about is your husband showing your son a behavior that could
get him in considerable trouble outside of your family. After all, if
you are verbally abusive to an adult or other child, it's possible
that they will retaliate physically.

There's also the power play aspect of your husband's behavior, which
seems like it is coming out in several unhealthy ways, but you're
aware of that. That's a very hard problem to solve. I would keep
looking for a good counselor though. When I needed a counselor
several years ago, a friend referred me to a therapist who had been a
relatively relaxed parent - extended nursing, family bed,
homeschooling. It helped that we were on the same page with these
things so that it didn't hamper any interactions or cause the
counselor to give advice that I wouldn't take.

On the issues with your husband resenting time you spend with your
son, maybe you can make more time just to be with him? Since your son
is 8, you can probably make some time for dates just with your
husband. We trade off with other parents in our HS group - our
friends watched our kids Friday night for instance and we went out
together, just for a few hours. Also, we stay up after the kids go to
bed and watch movies, or talk, or whatever ;-). Making time for the
two of us to do things together is important. There were a few years
when the kids were very small when it was hard or impossible, but
those years pass and it's important to renew the parents'
relationship too. Perhaps your husband would feel less resentment if
you both focused on togetherness as well as parenting.

Blue Skies,
-Robin-

freee_breeeze

Thank you for your very thoughtful and encouraging reply, Robin. My
husband and I had a very indepth discussion here last night
regarding all of this.

The messages in your reply helped me to stand more firm in my
convictions, without me becoming abusive or whiney in my language to
him. It helped a lot to know there was someone (although
unseen) 'in my corner'.

He was surprisingly receptive, I think because I didn't approach him
from a 'victim' stance, but from a stance of firm conviction. He
KNEW I was 'right' in this.

It's been very hard to remain 'firm' in some things 'out here' where
there is little support, and the 'mainstream' thinks I'm a bit 'off'
in my beliefs.

It's amazing how a little support goes a long way in resolving inner
conflicts.

Dad and son played for two hours last night, and the only screaming
that took place was from my son when he got frustrated with the
game. Dad mostly 'advised' son in some moves, which helped son to
win the game. Afterwards, son was very loving toward dad, and
vice/versa, and that was truly wonderful to see.

There is hope;o)

Thanks again!

--- In [email protected], "the_clevengers"
<tri_mom@c...> wrote:
> --- In [email protected], "freee_breeeze"
> <freee_breeeze@y...> wrote:
> > When he and dad play together, which is almost daily, my husband
> > becomes a 'child' during play, and the two of them can become
> fairly
> > verbally abusive to each other during game play, and get VERY
LOUD
> > in their verbal attacks on each other.
>
> Just my .02, that's not being "childish", that's being rude and
> obnoxious. At least it would feel that way to me. I don't think
I'd
> want another child in my house if they acted in that manner and I
> can't imagine my kids' friends acting like this when they are over
> playing video games. Is there a way that the three of you can sit
> down and come up with some principles you'd like to live by? In
our
> house, we don't verbally or physically abuse or attack another
person
> (unless it's things like wrestling or pillow fights, where all
> parties are in agreement). This isn't a "rule" and there aren't
any
> punishments for breaking a rule, it's just how we'd all like to
treat
> each other and be treated. In the scenario you describe, what I'd
> worry about is your husband showing your son a behavior that could
> get him in considerable trouble outside of your family. After all,
if
> you are verbally abusive to an adult or other child, it's possible
> that they will retaliate physically.
>
> There's also the power play aspect of your husband's behavior,
which
> seems like it is coming out in several unhealthy ways, but you're
> aware of that. That's a very hard problem to solve. I would keep
> looking for a good counselor though. When I needed a counselor
> several years ago, a friend referred me to a therapist who had
been a
> relatively relaxed parent - extended nursing, family bed,
> homeschooling. It helped that we were on the same page with these
> things so that it didn't hamper any interactions or cause the
> counselor to give advice that I wouldn't take.
>
> On the issues with your husband resenting time you spend with your
> son, maybe you can make more time just to be with him? Since your
son
> is 8, you can probably make some time for dates just with your
> husband. We trade off with other parents in our HS group - our
> friends watched our kids Friday night for instance and we went out
> together, just for a few hours. Also, we stay up after the kids go
to
> bed and watch movies, or talk, or whatever ;-). Making time for
the
> two of us to do things together is important. There were a few
years
> when the kids were very small when it was hard or impossible, but
> those years pass and it's important to renew the parents'
> relationship too. Perhaps your husband would feel less resentment
if
> you both focused on togetherness as well as parenting.
>
> Blue Skies,
> -Robin-

the_clevengers

--- In [email protected], "freee_breeeze"
<freee_breeeze@y...> wrote:
> It's been very hard to remain 'firm' in some things 'out here'
where
> there is little support, and the 'mainstream' thinks I'm a
bit 'off'
> in my beliefs.
>
> It's amazing how a little support goes a long way in resolving
inner
> conflicts.

I know what you mean! I'm glad that it was a bit helpful, sounds like
things are working out well. Sometimes when our opinions are so
different from the mainstream, it's like there's no road map for
where we're going - it makes it that much harder to find our own way.
You're right, a little bit of support goes a long way, that's why
it's nice to have lists like this!

> Dad and son played for two hours last night, and the only screaming
> that took place was from my son when he got frustrated with the
> game. Dad mostly 'advised' son in some moves, which helped son to
> win the game. Afterwards, son was very loving toward dad, and
> vice/versa, and that was truly wonderful to see.
>
> There is hope;o)

That's great!!! That sounds really wonderful. I'm glad that your
conversations were so productive.

Blue Skies,
-Robin-