unschooling tv/Video game use - question
Michele Sears
Hello,
I have read most of the articles about video game/tv use, and understand
that controlling your child with your own values will not enrich their
lives, along with the fact that many of you believe their are many benefits
in the process of playing video games/tv. My 6yo son has been loving the
true switch to unschooling - he's playing video games at every opportunity
(it's been about 2 weeks), and is so excited, frustrated, angry, overjoyed,
proud - you name it, the emotions are running high. However, my concern is
this (eveyone's comments on the Life Learning article has helped me to
cristilize my concerns): With 3 children in my house, the 2 oldest often
want to do opposite things, with my 6 yo son often wanting to do
media-related activities, and my 8yo daughter wants to do gardening, crafts,
scrapbooking. The 2 yo follows me, and annoys his siblings by "getting
into" what they're doing. In the end, the unschooling is looking more like
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not,
and this is for a few reasons. Whenever I become occupied, making
breakfast, changing a diaper, answering the phone, helping his sister - he
sees this as an opportunity to play VG's. Or, sometimes just waking up in
the morning is enough reason to play VG's, and often it is not possible for
me to be with him. I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my
daughter enjoys, and we invite him along, but he often declines. (not
always - it depends on the day and the VG he's playing). Or, the 2yo gets
in the way while he's playing, so the 6yo asks me to take the 2yo upstairs.
I just am noticing that I am spending less time with my 6yo son since we've
started unlimited VG use, and I'm a bit saddened by it. I do join him at
some point each day, and play the VG a bit (I really suck!), and I've made a
point to watch movies with him, which has been REALLY lovely and he really
appreciates, but I can't seem to get around the fact that he often plays
VG's alone, without me there. Another point to mention, I guess, is that my
husband LOVES VG's as well, and will often join my 6yo son in the evenings
and play with him. My 6yo will also run across the house and share exciting
moments, if I'm not in the basement with him, so I get included in that way.
I'm worried that the "researched" detriments to media use may apply in this
situation, and I'd love to hear anyone's comments on this. Is this kind of
media use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even
half of the time, truly unschooling? And if it isn't, how have other
families balanced the different needs/wants of all their children to share
in their lives as much as possible?
Michele
I have read most of the articles about video game/tv use, and understand
that controlling your child with your own values will not enrich their
lives, along with the fact that many of you believe their are many benefits
in the process of playing video games/tv. My 6yo son has been loving the
true switch to unschooling - he's playing video games at every opportunity
(it's been about 2 weeks), and is so excited, frustrated, angry, overjoyed,
proud - you name it, the emotions are running high. However, my concern is
this (eveyone's comments on the Life Learning article has helped me to
cristilize my concerns): With 3 children in my house, the 2 oldest often
want to do opposite things, with my 6 yo son often wanting to do
media-related activities, and my 8yo daughter wants to do gardening, crafts,
scrapbooking. The 2 yo follows me, and annoys his siblings by "getting
into" what they're doing. In the end, the unschooling is looking more like
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not,
and this is for a few reasons. Whenever I become occupied, making
breakfast, changing a diaper, answering the phone, helping his sister - he
sees this as an opportunity to play VG's. Or, sometimes just waking up in
the morning is enough reason to play VG's, and often it is not possible for
me to be with him. I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my
daughter enjoys, and we invite him along, but he often declines. (not
always - it depends on the day and the VG he's playing). Or, the 2yo gets
in the way while he's playing, so the 6yo asks me to take the 2yo upstairs.
I just am noticing that I am spending less time with my 6yo son since we've
started unlimited VG use, and I'm a bit saddened by it. I do join him at
some point each day, and play the VG a bit (I really suck!), and I've made a
point to watch movies with him, which has been REALLY lovely and he really
appreciates, but I can't seem to get around the fact that he often plays
VG's alone, without me there. Another point to mention, I guess, is that my
husband LOVES VG's as well, and will often join my 6yo son in the evenings
and play with him. My 6yo will also run across the house and share exciting
moments, if I'm not in the basement with him, so I get included in that way.
I'm worried that the "researched" detriments to media use may apply in this
situation, and I'd love to hear anyone's comments on this. Is this kind of
media use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even
half of the time, truly unschooling? And if it isn't, how have other
families balanced the different needs/wants of all their children to share
in their lives as much as possible?
Michele
Fetteroll
on 5/21/04 2:49 PM, Michele Sears at brewstersears@... wrote:
You're asking if the situation you have is okay and you're asking if video
games are okay.
What if the situation were reversed and you loved playing video games but
your daughter enjoyed gardening. And she was in the garden as soon as you
were on the phone or as soon as she was up in the morning or any opportunity
she could grab to be outside.
The disconnection between your son and the family isn't because of the video
games. It's because he's choosing to do something that resides in a place
that's away from the family. Anything could draw one member of the family
away. You maintain the connections the same way you'd maintain the
connections with any activity. By being with them when you can. Talking
about their interests. Bringing them snacks.
The advantage to video games over gardening is that you could move the games
and TV so he's in an area where the family is more likely to be. :-)
Is *he* feeling disconnected? You can ask him if he's feeling separated and
if he'd like to be able to play where you are more.
Joyce
> I'm worried that the "researched" detriments to media use may apply in thisI think you're asking two separate questions but lumping them together.
> situation, and I'd love to hear anyone's comments on this.
You're asking if the situation you have is okay and you're asking if video
games are okay.
What if the situation were reversed and you loved playing video games but
your daughter enjoyed gardening. And she was in the garden as soon as you
were on the phone or as soon as she was up in the morning or any opportunity
she could grab to be outside.
The disconnection between your son and the family isn't because of the video
games. It's because he's choosing to do something that resides in a place
that's away from the family. Anything could draw one member of the family
away. You maintain the connections the same way you'd maintain the
connections with any activity. By being with them when you can. Talking
about their interests. Bringing them snacks.
The advantage to video games over gardening is that you could move the games
and TV so he's in an area where the family is more likely to be. :-)
Is *he* feeling disconnected? You can ask him if he's feeling separated and
if he'd like to be able to play where you are more.
Joyce
24hrmom
<< Michele wrote: My 6yo son has been loving the true switch to
unschooling - he's playing video games at every opportunity (it's been about
2 weeks), and is so excited, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, proud - you name
it, the emotions are running high. >>
Well, two weeks is not a long time to adjust to any change. Maybe he's
enjoying the chance to play whenever he can since that is new to him. Maybe
after a while when he realizes that the choice to play will always be open
to him he may start to choose other activities as well. Or maybe not! ;-)
<< Whenever I become occupied, making breakfast, changing a diaper,
answering the phone, helping his sister - he sees this as an opportunity to
play VG's. >>
It sounds like he's finding lots of opportunities to do something he really
enjoys! And it sounds like he may not be sure you'll always let him play
whenever he wants, if he's often waiting until you're occupied to start
playing. Give yourselves some time to adjust to this new level of freedom.
<< I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my daughter enjoys, and
we invite him along, but he often declines. (not always - it depends on the
day and the VG he's playing). >>
That sounds like he's making good decisions for himself ... considering the
activity you have offered and then deciding what is right for him at that
time.
<< I just am noticing that I am spending less time with my 6yo son since
we've started unlimited VG use, and I'm a bit saddened by it. >>
On issues like these I like to follow my gut feeling. If you feel in your
heart that you are not spending enough time with him, try to address that.
You said you are offering the other activities to him and he is choosing
video games. So work with that; enjoy and support his choices. There are
lots of ways you can get involved with your son during the day. We are
often moving the game consoles around the house depending on the game being
played, the other activities going on in the house etc. Can you and your
daughter do your activities in the same room as he's playing? When he gets
stuck or frustrated in a game you can search for help/hints online
(gamefaqs.com is great for that). You can chat with him when he comes to
share exciting moments (as you mentioned). You can drop by and ask
questions about his progress. You can keep the 2yo occupied when he's
getting in the way (btdt). ;-) You can bring him drinks, snacks or meals
when he's particularly busy with a game. You can find shows and magazines
related to what he enjoys playing and surprise him.
<< Another point to mention, I guess, is that my husband LOVES VG's as well,
and will often join my 6yo son in the evenings and play with him. >>
That's great that your son and dh can enjoy this activity together!
<< how have other families balanced the different needs/wants of all their
children to share in their lives as much as possible? >>
I listen to the kids. If they're playing video games and calling me often
to come see something, I take the time to hang out for a while because they
seem to be at an exciting spot. If I go try to hang out and I'm asked to
leave (usually by the oldest during complicated play - I guess I'm too
distracting <g>), then I leave. If I want to do something with them I try
to suggest something interesting enough for them to join me. Whether it's
crafts, gardening, watching movies or playing video games, it's just the
give and take of living together.
My 12 yo son often plays video games "alone" but he knows I'm around. Last
night he was particularly upset about something that happened playing online
and he came upstairs to find and tell me. We ended up talking for a couple
hours, first upstairs then back downstairs while he vented about what went
wrong, ran through is options, came up with a plan, and a backup plan and
then we came back up to watch X-Play. ;-) It's pretty rare that we'll chat
for that long but he knows I'm around when he needs me. I do check in with
him regularly throughout the day (bringing food, chatting etc.) and he comes
to find me when he has a question or something to share. As I said, I go
with my gut feel about how much time I am / am not spending with each of my
3 kids and try to adjust accordingly.
Pam L
http://www.livingjoyfully.ca
unschooling - he's playing video games at every opportunity (it's been about
2 weeks), and is so excited, frustrated, angry, overjoyed, proud - you name
it, the emotions are running high. >>
Well, two weeks is not a long time to adjust to any change. Maybe he's
enjoying the chance to play whenever he can since that is new to him. Maybe
after a while when he realizes that the choice to play will always be open
to him he may start to choose other activities as well. Or maybe not! ;-)
<< Whenever I become occupied, making breakfast, changing a diaper,
answering the phone, helping his sister - he sees this as an opportunity to
play VG's. >>
It sounds like he's finding lots of opportunities to do something he really
enjoys! And it sounds like he may not be sure you'll always let him play
whenever he wants, if he's often waiting until you're occupied to start
playing. Give yourselves some time to adjust to this new level of freedom.
<< I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my daughter enjoys, and
we invite him along, but he often declines. (not always - it depends on the
day and the VG he's playing). >>
That sounds like he's making good decisions for himself ... considering the
activity you have offered and then deciding what is right for him at that
time.
<< I just am noticing that I am spending less time with my 6yo son since
we've started unlimited VG use, and I'm a bit saddened by it. >>
On issues like these I like to follow my gut feeling. If you feel in your
heart that you are not spending enough time with him, try to address that.
You said you are offering the other activities to him and he is choosing
video games. So work with that; enjoy and support his choices. There are
lots of ways you can get involved with your son during the day. We are
often moving the game consoles around the house depending on the game being
played, the other activities going on in the house etc. Can you and your
daughter do your activities in the same room as he's playing? When he gets
stuck or frustrated in a game you can search for help/hints online
(gamefaqs.com is great for that). You can chat with him when he comes to
share exciting moments (as you mentioned). You can drop by and ask
questions about his progress. You can keep the 2yo occupied when he's
getting in the way (btdt). ;-) You can bring him drinks, snacks or meals
when he's particularly busy with a game. You can find shows and magazines
related to what he enjoys playing and surprise him.
<< Another point to mention, I guess, is that my husband LOVES VG's as well,
and will often join my 6yo son in the evenings and play with him. >>
That's great that your son and dh can enjoy this activity together!
<< how have other families balanced the different needs/wants of all their
children to share in their lives as much as possible? >>
I listen to the kids. If they're playing video games and calling me often
to come see something, I take the time to hang out for a while because they
seem to be at an exciting spot. If I go try to hang out and I'm asked to
leave (usually by the oldest during complicated play - I guess I'm too
distracting <g>), then I leave. If I want to do something with them I try
to suggest something interesting enough for them to join me. Whether it's
crafts, gardening, watching movies or playing video games, it's just the
give and take of living together.
My 12 yo son often plays video games "alone" but he knows I'm around. Last
night he was particularly upset about something that happened playing online
and he came upstairs to find and tell me. We ended up talking for a couple
hours, first upstairs then back downstairs while he vented about what went
wrong, ran through is options, came up with a plan, and a backup plan and
then we came back up to watch X-Play. ;-) It's pretty rare that we'll chat
for that long but he knows I'm around when he needs me. I do check in with
him regularly throughout the day (bringing food, chatting etc.) and he comes
to find me when he has a question or something to share. As I said, I go
with my gut feel about how much time I am / am not spending with each of my
3 kids and try to adjust accordingly.
Pam L
http://www.livingjoyfully.ca
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/04 7:56:57 AM, brewstersears@... writes:
<< In the end, the unschooling is looking more like
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not, >>
Two weeks in is WAY too early to say "in the end..."
It's not NEARLY the end.
Kirby has played video games since he was five. He's nearly 18. He will go
days without playing. But Thursday night, he and Marty signed on to a new
online game, and he played seven hours straight yesterday. Then he went to work
and Marty got on for the rest of the day and evening.
I could say "In the end, they will play new and exciting games a lot, and
will go days without playing anything," but is this "in the end"? The people
who talked Kirby into getting in on that game are two older friends. One is
just back from college for the summer, and the other is 22 or so, fully employed,
lives in an apartment. Neither of them were homeschooled.
In the end, people are different, but in the end, it's better for everyone
involved if people are living peaceful lives of choices instead of being managed
or micromanaged by parents.
-=- Whenever I become occupied, making
breakfast, changing a diaper, answering the phone, helping his sister - he
sees this as an opportunity to play VG's. Or, sometimes just waking up in
the morning is enough reason to play VG's, and often it is not possible for
me to be with him. -=-
You're making it about you. The game is exciting and alluring to him. He's
not plaing because you're changing a diaper. Let him play!
-=-I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my
daughter enjoys, and we invite him along, but he often declines. (not
always - it depends on the day and the VG he's playing). -=-
Once he really believes that you will let him play the minute he gets home,
if he wants to, he'll be MUCH more willing to walk away from the game to do
something else.
-=-I'm worried that the "researched" detriments to media use may apply in this
situation, and I'd love to hear anyone's comments on this. -=-
They have to do with schoolkids. Much of social science and even cognitive
science these days is in support of school and "school success." Without
school as a factor, very little of it applies.
-=-I can't seem to get around the fact that he often plays
VG's alone, without me there.-=-
Try to figure out what emotions you're having. Is it guilt? Is it
frustration that your vision of homeschooling doesn't match this week's reality? Is it
jealousy? Wistfulness that he's growing up? I've had all those feelings
about my kids.
-=-Is this kind of
media use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even
half of the time, truly unschooling? -=-
Don't think of it as "media use." Don't look at the world as though your
child is on the far side and all this "media" is being "used" between you and him.
Unschooling is about you providing him an environment in which he can learn
his own way. So look at it from the viewpoint of you standing right behind
him, enabling him to do what's fascinating to him right now.
Does he like Lego? If he got a $90 Lego set and played with it for two days,
would you say "Is this kind of Lego use, where I'm not able to be there right
with him for most, or even half of the time, truly unschooling?" If he gets
into fantasy fiction in a few years and is reading some Cherryh or Card series
and wants to be by himself in a corner, reading, and you just take him lunch
and he keeps reading, would you even wonder to yourself, "Is this kind of book
use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even half of
the time, truly unschooling?"
-=And if it isn't, how have other
families balanced the different needs/wants of all their children to share
in their lives as much as possible?-=-
With two younger children, it seems you might just want to see the bright
side of his being obsessed with something in a safe place, while you can spend
more time with the others.
It sounds like things are going great at your house!
Sandra
<< In the end, the unschooling is looking more like
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not, >>
Two weeks in is WAY too early to say "in the end..."
It's not NEARLY the end.
Kirby has played video games since he was five. He's nearly 18. He will go
days without playing. But Thursday night, he and Marty signed on to a new
online game, and he played seven hours straight yesterday. Then he went to work
and Marty got on for the rest of the day and evening.
I could say "In the end, they will play new and exciting games a lot, and
will go days without playing anything," but is this "in the end"? The people
who talked Kirby into getting in on that game are two older friends. One is
just back from college for the summer, and the other is 22 or so, fully employed,
lives in an apartment. Neither of them were homeschooled.
In the end, people are different, but in the end, it's better for everyone
involved if people are living peaceful lives of choices instead of being managed
or micromanaged by parents.
-=- Whenever I become occupied, making
breakfast, changing a diaper, answering the phone, helping his sister - he
sees this as an opportunity to play VG's. Or, sometimes just waking up in
the morning is enough reason to play VG's, and often it is not possible for
me to be with him. -=-
You're making it about you. The game is exciting and alluring to him. He's
not plaing because you're changing a diaper. Let him play!
-=-I also really, really, enjoy doing the activities my
daughter enjoys, and we invite him along, but he often declines. (not
always - it depends on the day and the VG he's playing). -=-
Once he really believes that you will let him play the minute he gets home,
if he wants to, he'll be MUCH more willing to walk away from the game to do
something else.
-=-I'm worried that the "researched" detriments to media use may apply in this
situation, and I'd love to hear anyone's comments on this. -=-
They have to do with schoolkids. Much of social science and even cognitive
science these days is in support of school and "school success." Without
school as a factor, very little of it applies.
-=-I can't seem to get around the fact that he often plays
VG's alone, without me there.-=-
Try to figure out what emotions you're having. Is it guilt? Is it
frustration that your vision of homeschooling doesn't match this week's reality? Is it
jealousy? Wistfulness that he's growing up? I've had all those feelings
about my kids.
-=-Is this kind of
media use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even
half of the time, truly unschooling? -=-
Don't think of it as "media use." Don't look at the world as though your
child is on the far side and all this "media" is being "used" between you and him.
Unschooling is about you providing him an environment in which he can learn
his own way. So look at it from the viewpoint of you standing right behind
him, enabling him to do what's fascinating to him right now.
Does he like Lego? If he got a $90 Lego set and played with it for two days,
would you say "Is this kind of Lego use, where I'm not able to be there right
with him for most, or even half of the time, truly unschooling?" If he gets
into fantasy fiction in a few years and is reading some Cherryh or Card series
and wants to be by himself in a corner, reading, and you just take him lunch
and he keeps reading, would you even wonder to yourself, "Is this kind of book
use, where I'm not able to be there right with him for most, or even half of
the time, truly unschooling?"
-=And if it isn't, how have other
families balanced the different needs/wants of all their children to share
in their lives as much as possible?-=-
With two younger children, it seems you might just want to see the bright
side of his being obsessed with something in a safe place, while you can spend
more time with the others.
It sounds like things are going great at your house!
Sandra
Mark and Julie
<< In the end, the unschooling is looking more like
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not,
I agree. We've been unschooling for 18 months and my eldest son Jesse (10)
has only just reached the place where he is interested in turning off the
TV and joining us in a game or some art or cooking....
I had to put aside many expectations of how I thought unschooling would look
and how it would make me feel, which was hard but it did make me focus way
more on building up a close relationship with each child and looking for the
good that was happening every day in their lives.
Now I can see that what we have is so much better than that which I
envisioned and I feel great about it. It just takes time and patience and
lots of 'biting of the tongue' <g>.
And don't forget to breathe <g>. Sandra, that has to be the best advice
ever!
Julie
the 6yo is spending time ALONE doing the video games more often than not,
>>It's not NEARLY the end.>>
>> Two weeks in is WAY too early to say "in the end..."
I agree. We've been unschooling for 18 months and my eldest son Jesse (10)
has only just reached the place where he is interested in turning off the
TV and joining us in a game or some art or cooking....
I had to put aside many expectations of how I thought unschooling would look
and how it would make me feel, which was hard but it did make me focus way
more on building up a close relationship with each child and looking for the
good that was happening every day in their lives.
Now I can see that what we have is so much better than that which I
envisioned and I feel great about it. It just takes time and patience and
lots of 'biting of the tongue' <g>.
And don't forget to breathe <g>. Sandra, that has to be the best advice
ever!
Julie