Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Digest Number 4662/adopted children
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/18/2004 10:01:59 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
starsuncloud@... writes:
<< She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished she'd
given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
I'm adopted, that statement sorta makes me feel "less than". I always hate
it when someone introduces their children and makes a distinction, "these are
our children; Janie, and Jimmie and Susie and our adopted child, Gertrude".
My parents didn't do this, but I do know some that do. Either you wanted to
take this child and love it as your very own or not. The adopted kids rarely
get a say in the parents who adopt them, just as birth children get the luck
of the draw being born into a family.
I know some siblings probably have some lifelong jealous issues about other
children in the family whether naturally born siblings that take a lot of
energy or those who are adopted or fostered, that's nature, I think.
I personally feel that any help or love shown a child is NEVER wasted, while
"results" might not always be apparent to the outside world, on some level
love does change a being, kindness changes people, even if it's only a tiny bit.
In my experiences in life this has been true. Others might not think the
effort is worth the return if indeed there is EVER any return for unconditionally
loving a child which was not biologically born into their families.
Once a child is adopted aren't they then legally the exact same as any child
born biologically into the family? I would hope they would be equally loved
as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for their very
own child.
glena
starsuncloud@... writes:
<< She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished she'd
given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
I'm adopted, that statement sorta makes me feel "less than". I always hate
it when someone introduces their children and makes a distinction, "these are
our children; Janie, and Jimmie and Susie and our adopted child, Gertrude".
My parents didn't do this, but I do know some that do. Either you wanted to
take this child and love it as your very own or not. The adopted kids rarely
get a say in the parents who adopt them, just as birth children get the luck
of the draw being born into a family.
I know some siblings probably have some lifelong jealous issues about other
children in the family whether naturally born siblings that take a lot of
energy or those who are adopted or fostered, that's nature, I think.
I personally feel that any help or love shown a child is NEVER wasted, while
"results" might not always be apparent to the outside world, on some level
love does change a being, kindness changes people, even if it's only a tiny bit.
In my experiences in life this has been true. Others might not think the
effort is worth the return if indeed there is EVER any return for unconditionally
loving a child which was not biologically born into their families.
Once a child is adopted aren't they then legally the exact same as any child
born biologically into the family? I would hope they would be equally loved
as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for their very
own child.
glena
pam sorooshian
On May 18, 2004, at 11:00 AM, rubyprincesstsg@... wrote:
they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> Once a child is adopted aren't they then legally the exact same as anyGlena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,
> child
> born biologically into the family? I would hope they would be equally
> loved
> as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for
> their very
> own child.
they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/19/04 7:26:35 AM, julie@... writes:
<< It's certainly possible to give up an adopted child, and to be honest,
I really don't understand it. >>
It's possible to give up a biological child. "Relinquishment of parental
rights." You de-own them.
Sandra
<< It's certainly possible to give up an adopted child, and to be honest,
I really don't understand it. >>
It's possible to give up a biological child. "Relinquishment of parental
rights." You de-own them.
Sandra
Julie Bogart
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
later adopt that child out to someone else. A family in our community
adopted a little boy and after five years felt that he was too much for
them and adopted him out to another family. **Jaw-dropping** I couldn't
imagine how that was for the kids who stayed...
I also have an adult friend who was abandonned at birth and adopted out
to two different families consecutively until she ended up in a home
for teens.
It's certainly possible to give up an adopted child, and to be honest,
I really don't understand it. (I know that isn't what this thread is
about, but I know this is a common misconception - many people never do
see their adopted children as the same as their biological children and
that's an important consideration *before* adopting).
Julie
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
>any
> On May 18, 2004, at 11:00 AM, rubyprincesstsg@a... wrote:
>
> > Once a child is adopted aren't they then legally the exact same as
> > childequally
> > born biologically into the family? I would hope they would be
> > lovedJust wanted to throw this out. It is possible to adopt a child and
> > as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for
> > their very
> > own child.
>
> Glena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,
> they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place.
later adopt that child out to someone else. A family in our community
adopted a little boy and after five years felt that he was too much for
them and adopted him out to another family. **Jaw-dropping** I couldn't
imagine how that was for the kids who stayed...
I also have an adult friend who was abandonned at birth and adopted out
to two different families consecutively until she ended up in a home
for teens.
It's certainly possible to give up an adopted child, and to be honest,
I really don't understand it. (I know that isn't what this thread is
about, but I know this is a common misconception - many people never do
see their adopted children as the same as their biological children and
that's an important consideration *before* adopting).
Julie
Kelly Lenhart
>Glena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,And it also applies to making decisions about family size in general.
>they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place.
We have three. I'm totally overwhelmed right now, but they are little. I
know it will get easier. But there is NO WAY IN HELL I want more. Not bio,
not adopted, not even FURRY!
We've made a family "rule" that we will add no new pets to the family, not
even a goldfish, until we are down to two cats (from four) and there are no
children under the age of three. I'd like to extend that to no children in
diapers, but I think its too late. Two of our cats are elderly and our
youngest kid is under a year. So we are looking at at least two more years
until a new pet.
I'm not one of those who think it's bad to have big families. IF you have
the capacity, and not just financially, to care for them.
I'm sorry I got pregnant as fast as I did. I had wanted to wait until about
now to have the last one, but...-sigh- Those stresses will even out as they
get bigger.
Kelly
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/19/2004 1:32:11 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
pamsoroosh@... writes:
<< Glena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,
they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place. >>
Actually I was referring to this statement which is AFTER the fact;
<<< She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished she'd
given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
Wishing one had given all of one's energy and time to three birth children
upon reflection of a life of raising a group of children, seems to me that even
after years there are distinctions and divisions to some with regard to
"birth" children and "adoptive" children. Making them somehow less than the same,
as in these are "our children". Foster children that come into one's life and
probably leave at some point, I could understand not treating/feeling as if
they were one's very own child. I don't understand adoptive children not being
the same as just being "one of our children".
I can see where after years of raising their children if one felt that way,
then it probably was a mistake or something they might/should/could regret on
some level.
glena
pamsoroosh@... writes:
<< Glena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,
they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place. >>
Actually I was referring to this statement which is AFTER the fact;
<<< She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished she'd
given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
Wishing one had given all of one's energy and time to three birth children
upon reflection of a life of raising a group of children, seems to me that even
after years there are distinctions and divisions to some with regard to
"birth" children and "adoptive" children. Making them somehow less than the same,
as in these are "our children". Foster children that come into one's life and
probably leave at some point, I could understand not treating/feeling as if
they were one's very own child. I don't understand adoptive children not being
the same as just being "one of our children".
I can see where after years of raising their children if one felt that way,
then it probably was a mistake or something they might/should/could regret on
some level.
glena
J. Stauffer
<<<<I would hope they would be equally loved
children that have been so traumatized that the amount of havoc they reap
within a family is very high price to pay for the other children in the
family, whether adopted or not.
We had quite a few foster kids in our home. They were all under 6. We had
to ask that 2 be moved elsewhere because of their effect on the family.
They were 2 and 4.
The girl was so jealous, so hurt by any attention given another child for
any reason, that she would go into their room and tear up their stuff.
Whenever she was angry, which was very often, she would purposefully urinate
on the carpet or smear feces all over her room. She hallucinated and would
often just scream for no reason and it took a tremendous amount of time and
energy to calm her.
The boy rarely slept. He would run screaming across the room and attack
other kids for no discernable reason. He kept forgetting we had a dog and
every time he would see it, he would be terrified and scream and scream.
We had other kids in the home at the time, 2 that we had made a lifetime
committment to through adoption. There simply wasn't enough of me left
after dealing with the foster kids so we had to ask that they be moved. The
kids I had made the committment to had to come first.
Julie S.
> as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for theirvery
> own child.>>>>I agree that the love given any child is never wasted. But there are some
children that have been so traumatized that the amount of havoc they reap
within a family is very high price to pay for the other children in the
family, whether adopted or not.
We had quite a few foster kids in our home. They were all under 6. We had
to ask that 2 be moved elsewhere because of their effect on the family.
They were 2 and 4.
The girl was so jealous, so hurt by any attention given another child for
any reason, that she would go into their room and tear up their stuff.
Whenever she was angry, which was very often, she would purposefully urinate
on the carpet or smear feces all over her room. She hallucinated and would
often just scream for no reason and it took a tremendous amount of time and
energy to calm her.
The boy rarely slept. He would run screaming across the room and attack
other kids for no discernable reason. He kept forgetting we had a dog and
every time he would see it, he would be terrified and scream and scream.
We had other kids in the home at the time, 2 that we had made a lifetime
committment to through adoption. There simply wasn't enough of me left
after dealing with the foster kids so we had to ask that they be moved. The
kids I had made the committment to had to come first.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: <rubyprincesstsg@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, May 18, 2004 1:00 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Digest Number 4662/adopted children
> In a message dated 5/18/2004 10:01:59 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
> starsuncloud@... writes:
>
> << She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished
she'd
> given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
> I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
>
>
> I'm adopted, that statement sorta makes me feel "less than". I always
hate
> it when someone introduces their children and makes a distinction, "these
are
> our children; Janie, and Jimmie and Susie and our adopted child,
Gertrude".
>
> My parents didn't do this, but I do know some that do. Either you wanted
to
> take this child and love it as your very own or not. The adopted kids
rarely
> get a say in the parents who adopt them, just as birth children get the
luck
> of the draw being born into a family.
>
> I know some siblings probably have some lifelong jealous issues about
other
> children in the family whether naturally born siblings that take a lot of
> energy or those who are adopted or fostered, that's nature, I think.
>
> I personally feel that any help or love shown a child is NEVER wasted,
while
> "results" might not always be apparent to the outside world, on some level
> love does change a being, kindness changes people, even if it's only a
tiny bit.
> In my experiences in life this has been true. Others might not think the
> effort is worth the return if indeed there is EVER any return for
unconditionally
> loving a child which was not biologically born into their families.
>
> Once a child is adopted aren't they then legally the exact same as any
child
> born biologically into the family? I would hope they would be equally
loved
> as any other child, if parents made that commitment to have them for their
very
> own child.
>
> glena
>
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/19/2004 12:01:06 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
jnjstau@... writes:
<< There simply wasn't enough of me left
after dealing with the foster kids so we had to ask that they be moved. The
kids I had made the committment to had to come first.
commitment that one makes for their own children (whether bio or adopted) and it
shouldn't affect the home life, of the children that belong to the parents.
They should come before any other children, foster children, classroom
children, Sunday school children, any other group of children the parent has made
time for in their life.
Some things that happen to children might take a lifetime and still never be
able to be undone or even helped to a degree that makes them easy to live
with. That's sad for the child but I do have a lot of admiration for the parents
who make the effort to foster children and treat them kind and lovingly, even
if it doesn't have a good ending.
glena
jnjstau@... writes:
<< There simply wasn't enough of me left
after dealing with the foster kids so we had to ask that they be moved. The
kids I had made the committment to had to come first.
>>I completely agree that fostering children is NOT close to the lifetime of
commitment that one makes for their own children (whether bio or adopted) and it
shouldn't affect the home life, of the children that belong to the parents.
They should come before any other children, foster children, classroom
children, Sunday school children, any other group of children the parent has made
time for in their life.
Some things that happen to children might take a lifetime and still never be
able to be undone or even helped to a degree that makes them easy to live
with. That's sad for the child but I do have a lot of admiration for the parents
who make the effort to foster children and treat them kind and lovingly, even
if it doesn't have a good ending.
glena
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/19/04 9:45:13 AM, rubyprincesstsg@... writes:
<<
Wishing one had given all of one's energy and time to three birth children
upon reflection of a life of raising a group of children, seems to me that
even
after years there are distinctions and divisions to some with regard to
"birth" children and "adoptive" children. Making them somehow less than the
same,
as in these are "our children". Foster children that come into one's life
and
probably leave at some point, I could understand not treating/feeling as if
they were one's very own child. I don't understand adoptive children not
being
the same as just being "one of our children". >>
I'm sure you do understand it.
I think you're saying "I don't understand" as a rhetorical device, to invite
agreement or (now evil) disagreement. (I hope that's all it is.)
The topic is how to decide. One way to decide is to hear what people think
in retrospect about similar situations. For every family there is a point at
which one more child will be the straw that broke the camel's back. For some
that might be the second one. For some the fourth, or tenth, or fifteenth.
But if people assume there is no limit, that's not thoughtful. If a parent
does NOT take her own existing children's needs and limits ito account, she's not
expressing love by bringing another child in.
Is there a limit to love?
Well, yes. Exhaustion does it a number. Overcrowding and resentment don't
nourish it.
Sometimes a person adopts out of her OWN neediness, not that of the
child(ren), and in such a case she would have done better to have gotten some
counselling and really build up her own self and her family's self and THEN think about
adopting.
Sandra
<<
Wishing one had given all of one's energy and time to three birth children
upon reflection of a life of raising a group of children, seems to me that
even
after years there are distinctions and divisions to some with regard to
"birth" children and "adoptive" children. Making them somehow less than the
same,
as in these are "our children". Foster children that come into one's life
and
probably leave at some point, I could understand not treating/feeling as if
they were one's very own child. I don't understand adoptive children not
being
the same as just being "one of our children". >>
I'm sure you do understand it.
I think you're saying "I don't understand" as a rhetorical device, to invite
agreement or (now evil) disagreement. (I hope that's all it is.)
The topic is how to decide. One way to decide is to hear what people think
in retrospect about similar situations. For every family there is a point at
which one more child will be the straw that broke the camel's back. For some
that might be the second one. For some the fourth, or tenth, or fifteenth.
But if people assume there is no limit, that's not thoughtful. If a parent
does NOT take her own existing children's needs and limits ito account, she's not
expressing love by bringing another child in.
Is there a limit to love?
Well, yes. Exhaustion does it a number. Overcrowding and resentment don't
nourish it.
Sometimes a person adopts out of her OWN neediness, not that of the
child(ren), and in such a case she would have done better to have gotten some
counselling and really build up her own self and her family's self and THEN think about
adopting.
Sandra
Sylvia Toyama
Sometimes a Mom will also have more bio children for her own need, when it's not a good idea and strains the dynamic of the existing family.
I've heard people say they wish they'd stopped at fewer kids than they actually had. I've known some never said as much, but clearly should never have had 'more' children at whatever point. I think deciding to adopt is much the same -- it's about knowing your limits and when to say no to the idea of adding a child, whether bio or adopted.
I think it also has to do with your reasons or needs -- is someone adopting to get the boy or girl they always wanted but never got? That's such a bad reason to have or adopt another child. I remember the story my Mom and her sisters tell about the birth of the youngest sister. Mom's the oldest of 5 girls, in pursuit of a boy. When the youngest was due and Grandma went to the hospital for her birth, the other girls asked their Dad if they could go see Mom and the baby at the hospital, he answered 'if it's a boy, we'll go to see him. Otherwise, just wait for Mama to come home." He ltold the girls he loved them, but was clearly going to be hugely disappointed if (when, actually) the new baby was a girl.
That's why it always bothers me when people (complete strangers, mind you) ask if we're going to try for a girl. Like having three kids of the same sex is a wrong that must be righted, and that having more kids until you get the 'right' one is the way to go.
Syl
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
SBC Yahoo! - Internet access at a great low price.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've heard people say they wish they'd stopped at fewer kids than they actually had. I've known some never said as much, but clearly should never have had 'more' children at whatever point. I think deciding to adopt is much the same -- it's about knowing your limits and when to say no to the idea of adding a child, whether bio or adopted.
I think it also has to do with your reasons or needs -- is someone adopting to get the boy or girl they always wanted but never got? That's such a bad reason to have or adopt another child. I remember the story my Mom and her sisters tell about the birth of the youngest sister. Mom's the oldest of 5 girls, in pursuit of a boy. When the youngest was due and Grandma went to the hospital for her birth, the other girls asked their Dad if they could go see Mom and the baby at the hospital, he answered 'if it's a boy, we'll go to see him. Otherwise, just wait for Mama to come home." He ltold the girls he loved them, but was clearly going to be hugely disappointed if (when, actually) the new baby was a girl.
That's why it always bothers me when people (complete strangers, mind you) ask if we're going to try for a girl. Like having three kids of the same sex is a wrong that must be righted, and that having more kids until you get the 'right' one is the way to go.
Syl
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
SBC Yahoo! - Internet access at a great low price.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Cally Brown
Sylvia Toyama wrote:
admitting I would really like a girl), "I don't mind, just so long as it
is healthy."
After 3 miscarriages, people were still asking me, and I replied
(absolutely meaning it), "I don't mind, just so long as it lives."
Pregnant again after 3 boys, I used to get so fed up with "I guess
you're hoping for a baby girl this time," I got to snapping, "No, we're
hoping for a kitten this time."
Yeah, I would have liked a girl, but I never regretted any of my boys,
and my last son, the 'unplanned' one, is such a joy I can't believe that
we might not have had him if I'd been better organized! There are
plusses to being messy and disorganized!!
And now I have a 6 month old grandson - and a 2 1/2 yo granddaughter -
and each of them is absolutely the Right One.
It's when I look at them all that I question my atheism - how could I
have ended up so blessed by chance?
Cally
>That's why it always bothers me when people (complete strangers, mind you) ask if we're going to try for a girl. Like having three kids of the same sex is a wrong that must be righted,At the beginning, people asked what I was hoping for, and I'd say (not
>
admitting I would really like a girl), "I don't mind, just so long as it
is healthy."
After 3 miscarriages, people were still asking me, and I replied
(absolutely meaning it), "I don't mind, just so long as it lives."
Pregnant again after 3 boys, I used to get so fed up with "I guess
you're hoping for a baby girl this time," I got to snapping, "No, we're
hoping for a kitten this time."
Yeah, I would have liked a girl, but I never regretted any of my boys,
and my last son, the 'unplanned' one, is such a joy I can't believe that
we might not have had him if I'd been better organized! There are
plusses to being messy and disorganized!!
>and that having more kids until you get the 'right' one is the way to go.Each of mine has been the right one :-)
>
And now I have a 6 month old grandson - and a 2 1/2 yo granddaughter -
and each of them is absolutely the Right One.
It's when I look at them all that I question my atheism - how could I
have ended up so blessed by chance?
Cally
pam sorooshian
On May 19, 2004, at 8:41 AM, rubyprincesstsg@... wrote:
still talking about the ORIGINAL decision.
My sister adopted a very high needs (attachment disorder) child of 11.
She could not BE a better mother. Her daughter had MAJOR problems and
lots came out during her young teen years. And, my sister's husband
died of leukemia when their daughter was 13 (they also had two sons -
the kids were 13, 14, and 15). My sister went through hell. She NEVER
wavered in doing everything she could possible do to make a good life
for her children, ALL of them. But she had to go to work and
Did she look back and think that she wished she had been able to give
more energy and time to her other children? Did she think about how she
had not adopted expecting the very very serious and even dangerous
situation she was taking on and of course not even remotely expecting
to be doing it ALONE? Looking back at that original decision - the ONLY
thing is to recognize that it was very very hard on her first two
children and on her and that if she had known how it was going to be,
she would not have done it. If you don't think recognizing THAT reality
is heartbreaking and hard and guilt-inducing and all that!!! But - it
is true. Yet, she did it and so she accepted that reality and did her
best.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> << Glena, they aren't talking about how they treat their adopted child,It said NOTHING about how she actually treated the children. It is
> they are talking about the decision TO adopt in the first place. >>
>
>
> Actually I was referring to this statement which is AFTER the fact;
>
> <<< She came to terms with it eventually, but I think she still wished
> she'd
> given all her energy and time to the three birth children.
> I think it's sensible, not selfish. >>
still talking about the ORIGINAL decision.
My sister adopted a very high needs (attachment disorder) child of 11.
She could not BE a better mother. Her daughter had MAJOR problems and
lots came out during her young teen years. And, my sister's husband
died of leukemia when their daughter was 13 (they also had two sons -
the kids were 13, 14, and 15). My sister went through hell. She NEVER
wavered in doing everything she could possible do to make a good life
for her children, ALL of them. But she had to go to work and
Did she look back and think that she wished she had been able to give
more energy and time to her other children? Did she think about how she
had not adopted expecting the very very serious and even dangerous
situation she was taking on and of course not even remotely expecting
to be doing it ALONE? Looking back at that original decision - the ONLY
thing is to recognize that it was very very hard on her first two
children and on her and that if she had known how it was going to be,
she would not have done it. If you don't think recognizing THAT reality
is heartbreaking and hard and guilt-inducing and all that!!! But - it
is true. Yet, she did it and so she accepted that reality and did her
best.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/20/2004 2:59:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
pamsoroosh@... writes:
<< Did she look back and think that she wished she had been able to give
more energy and time to her other children? Did she think about how she
had not adopted expecting the very very serious and even dangerous
situation she was taking on and of course not even remotely expecting
to be doing it ALONE? >>
I can't imagine how hard it must be to loose a spouse and become a single
mother. Life altering for sure. Things happen in life. Some very hard things.
Many things we never envisioned or never planned for. That's part of life.
My 16 year old starts treatment for leukemia next week. I could never have
planned for that. The last month has been a nightmare. I'm also coping with my
22 year old son that broke his back at work and is now at home with me caring
for him. I would have never thought to plan for that either.
Things happen in life and they shape our families for the good and sometimes
even bad impacts. My older boy is the one that some of you may remember me
saying had a drug problem some years ago and really tested my parenting. These
days, he holds my hand and tears run down his face and he thanks me so many
times, that it's embarrassing to me, just for little things like getting him a
drink or making him something to eat or just sitting with him. It could have
been a lot different. I have guilt because there was a time when I seriously
felt I would have to just give up on him, but something helped me hold on to
him with a thin thread and slowly we worked our way back to a family. Maybe if
I had not been there for his toddler years or kept seeing that precious
newborn face, I wouldn't have had the energy to keep mothering him. Maybe I would
have either way, I don't know.
I think almost every parent has something at the end of their children's
growing up years that they look back on with regret or at least wistfully wish had
been somewhat different or maybe lots different.
One thing that I can say positively is that I am SO grateful that I've had
Cait home with me the last years, we've done so much and I've become so much
closer to her. It does make facing her illness a bit easier. I can't imagine if
you were trying to keep up with a school schedule and all these appointments.
I also want to add that single mothers, whether by choice or fate, get an
extra dose of admiration from me, especially these days when I wonder how I would
get through this stuff without a partner to share it with.
glena
pamsoroosh@... writes:
<< Did she look back and think that she wished she had been able to give
more energy and time to her other children? Did she think about how she
had not adopted expecting the very very serious and even dangerous
situation she was taking on and of course not even remotely expecting
to be doing it ALONE? >>
I can't imagine how hard it must be to loose a spouse and become a single
mother. Life altering for sure. Things happen in life. Some very hard things.
Many things we never envisioned or never planned for. That's part of life.
My 16 year old starts treatment for leukemia next week. I could never have
planned for that. The last month has been a nightmare. I'm also coping with my
22 year old son that broke his back at work and is now at home with me caring
for him. I would have never thought to plan for that either.
Things happen in life and they shape our families for the good and sometimes
even bad impacts. My older boy is the one that some of you may remember me
saying had a drug problem some years ago and really tested my parenting. These
days, he holds my hand and tears run down his face and he thanks me so many
times, that it's embarrassing to me, just for little things like getting him a
drink or making him something to eat or just sitting with him. It could have
been a lot different. I have guilt because there was a time when I seriously
felt I would have to just give up on him, but something helped me hold on to
him with a thin thread and slowly we worked our way back to a family. Maybe if
I had not been there for his toddler years or kept seeing that precious
newborn face, I wouldn't have had the energy to keep mothering him. Maybe I would
have either way, I don't know.
I think almost every parent has something at the end of their children's
growing up years that they look back on with regret or at least wistfully wish had
been somewhat different or maybe lots different.
One thing that I can say positively is that I am SO grateful that I've had
Cait home with me the last years, we've done so much and I've become so much
closer to her. It does make facing her illness a bit easier. I can't imagine if
you were trying to keep up with a school schedule and all these appointments.
I also want to add that single mothers, whether by choice or fate, get an
extra dose of admiration from me, especially these days when I wonder how I would
get through this stuff without a partner to share it with.
glena
[email protected]
A family I grew up new had three biological boys and adopted a girl.
The boys were sweet, honest, funny, nice, and embodied all the good traits of
the two VERY nice parents.
The daughter must have embodied traits of the parents who had taken off on an
infant. She treated other people that way too. She was cold, and harsh, and
dishonest, and lacking in compassion. I don't know if her mother drank.
Nowadays some of that is blamed on fetal alcohol syndrome. I don't know anything
about her parents. But I know she was so profoundly different from the family
that had raised her that she disrupted and cost them huge amounts of money for
therapy and lawyers and she grew up and shoplifted as a young adult and lied
to people and didn't pay her bills, and that was NOT from her upbringing or
the nurturing of the family that really, truly did try to love her and help her.
Sandra
The boys were sweet, honest, funny, nice, and embodied all the good traits of
the two VERY nice parents.
The daughter must have embodied traits of the parents who had taken off on an
infant. She treated other people that way too. She was cold, and harsh, and
dishonest, and lacking in compassion. I don't know if her mother drank.
Nowadays some of that is blamed on fetal alcohol syndrome. I don't know anything
about her parents. But I know she was so profoundly different from the family
that had raised her that she disrupted and cost them huge amounts of money for
therapy and lawyers and she grew up and shoplifted as a young adult and lied
to people and didn't pay her bills, and that was NOT from her upbringing or
the nurturing of the family that really, truly did try to love her and help her.
Sandra