"a taste of his own medicine"
Ren
On the issue of when to say no or not...I often judge the decision (when I'm truly exhausted) on which answer takes more energy.
I've often found that NOT doing what a child needs, or saying "no" takes a lot more energy than just doing the thing or saying "yes."
Getting a drink for a kid is a lot easier than spending energy trying to convince him/her to go get it if they don't want to after a suggestion.
My dh doesn't totally get this quite yet....he'll ask the kids to go pick something up that would be easier for HIM to grab and put away.
If it takes more energy to bug someone, I'd rather just do it myself.
Not that this is the only consideration, but it's helped me lots of times to pause and ask myself what is going to be advantageous energy wise....because negativity takes a lot of energy. I'd rather cook something, or get a drink or whatever it takes most of the time, even when I'm tired.
It depends though...if Trevor asks me at 11pm to cook a mess of potatoes and I'm thoroughly tired, I've been known to say "there's no way I can do that right now, I'm ready to pass out, you might have asked me an hour ago." But even at that, I'll usually offer to get them started and then leave him to finish.
And yeah, I work outside the home some. So my children have to manage without me for small spurts. It's been rare that they really don't want me to go, because we have a movie, or Dad home for the day, or a fun friend coming to watch them, or cool food...something interesting to make it not so bad. Today I was supposed to work until around 3pm, but my schedule is very much up to me and I left at 2pm instead...it was really fun coming home an hour early and having them surprised.
Because I work, I rarely make plans without the kids, but dh and I do spend some time alone. I usually make sure Jalen is asleep first and Sierra has something to look forward to, like us bringing gum home or something she likes. Promises of things brought home makes time away from Mom a bit easier usually. I DO think it's important to take care of yourself and spend time doing things you love. I also know it's unrealistic to have much of that when children are very little...I get a lot more now because my small guy has older siblings that he loves playing with and a built in babysitter (by choice, he gets paid).
I weave my time around them usually. After things calm down in the evening, or before everyone is up in the morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Having a dh that works around my schedule makes it possible, not everyone has that luxury.
So maybe drop expectations, and just be in the moment Sheila, your days sound happy and fun. I have no problem with "no's", just a problem with arbitrary "no's" that don't take the child's needs/wants seriously.
We just got back from Wal-Mart where I had many items in my cart for the kids and their neighbor friends that are spending the night. Jalen had picked out M & M's, Zebra bars, ice cream and pizza already. Plus the things everyone else chose. After I'd put my card in, he kept finding new things he wanted and I said "no, we already have enough right now" and that was true. My budget was maxed and we had a ton of stuff he couldn't even eat in a night. He's used to picking out foods at the store, so he just sighed, said "oh man" and put it back.
When I say "no" it's not a huge issue, because he does hear "yes" most of the time and feels control over his own choices.
Ren
"There is no way to
peace. Peace is the way."
~Quaker saying
I've often found that NOT doing what a child needs, or saying "no" takes a lot more energy than just doing the thing or saying "yes."
Getting a drink for a kid is a lot easier than spending energy trying to convince him/her to go get it if they don't want to after a suggestion.
My dh doesn't totally get this quite yet....he'll ask the kids to go pick something up that would be easier for HIM to grab and put away.
If it takes more energy to bug someone, I'd rather just do it myself.
Not that this is the only consideration, but it's helped me lots of times to pause and ask myself what is going to be advantageous energy wise....because negativity takes a lot of energy. I'd rather cook something, or get a drink or whatever it takes most of the time, even when I'm tired.
It depends though...if Trevor asks me at 11pm to cook a mess of potatoes and I'm thoroughly tired, I've been known to say "there's no way I can do that right now, I'm ready to pass out, you might have asked me an hour ago." But even at that, I'll usually offer to get them started and then leave him to finish.
And yeah, I work outside the home some. So my children have to manage without me for small spurts. It's been rare that they really don't want me to go, because we have a movie, or Dad home for the day, or a fun friend coming to watch them, or cool food...something interesting to make it not so bad. Today I was supposed to work until around 3pm, but my schedule is very much up to me and I left at 2pm instead...it was really fun coming home an hour early and having them surprised.
Because I work, I rarely make plans without the kids, but dh and I do spend some time alone. I usually make sure Jalen is asleep first and Sierra has something to look forward to, like us bringing gum home or something she likes. Promises of things brought home makes time away from Mom a bit easier usually. I DO think it's important to take care of yourself and spend time doing things you love. I also know it's unrealistic to have much of that when children are very little...I get a lot more now because my small guy has older siblings that he loves playing with and a built in babysitter (by choice, he gets paid).
I weave my time around them usually. After things calm down in the evening, or before everyone is up in the morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Having a dh that works around my schedule makes it possible, not everyone has that luxury.
So maybe drop expectations, and just be in the moment Sheila, your days sound happy and fun. I have no problem with "no's", just a problem with arbitrary "no's" that don't take the child's needs/wants seriously.
We just got back from Wal-Mart where I had many items in my cart for the kids and their neighbor friends that are spending the night. Jalen had picked out M & M's, Zebra bars, ice cream and pizza already. Plus the things everyone else chose. After I'd put my card in, he kept finding new things he wanted and I said "no, we already have enough right now" and that was true. My budget was maxed and we had a ton of stuff he couldn't even eat in a night. He's used to picking out foods at the store, so he just sighed, said "oh man" and put it back.
When I say "no" it's not a huge issue, because he does hear "yes" most of the time and feels control over his own choices.
Ren
"There is no way to
peace. Peace is the way."
~Quaker saying
Have a Nice Day!
I've often found that NOT doing what a child needs, or saying "no" takes a lot more energy than just doing the thing or saying "yes."
So true. I hadn't quite thought about that, but you are so right.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So true. I hadn't quite thought about that, but you are so right.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
queenjane555
I'm not sure where this fits in, but i wanted to post about it.
Today we went to the chinese restaurant (seamus' choice), and i had
mentioned earlier, before we went, how i hoped they had these little
mini custard pies there, because i really liked the one i ate last
time. So when we got there we each went our seperate ways to get
food. When i got back to the booth, Seamus was sitting there with
his dumplings, and there were two little custard pies on my side of
the table, just for me. How thoughtful is that?! He is just 7.
This evening we packed up the gamecube and went to my sister's house
so seamus and his cousin could work at unlocking a character. When
we got there i realized Seamus forgot to pack up a cord we needed. I
was a little frustrated with that and negativity creeped in ("HOW
could you forget it? I asked you if you had everything!"), but then
i thought this was going to really ruin the day. So i said, i'll
just drive home and get it (it was about five miles)....Seamus
couldnt believe it "Really? You'll drive all the way home??" "Sure."
So i did, it only took a little while, and they've been happily
playing SuperSmash Bros. for hours now while i get time on the
computer. (oh and i also apologized for losing my temper.)
I think most mainstream parents would never even consider driving
home for a videogame cable (just on "general principal" if nothing
else), but then again, i dont think they would get custard pies
brought to their table either!
I'm the type of person who wants to jump immediately to "No" or "its
too messy/hard/tiring/long" or whatever, but i am finding that
this "saying yes" thing is making our lives so much nicer, kinder,
sweeter. I'm so thankful to the people on the list for showing me
that by saying "yes" i am not encouraging laziness or "giving in" to
my child.
Katherine
Today we went to the chinese restaurant (seamus' choice), and i had
mentioned earlier, before we went, how i hoped they had these little
mini custard pies there, because i really liked the one i ate last
time. So when we got there we each went our seperate ways to get
food. When i got back to the booth, Seamus was sitting there with
his dumplings, and there were two little custard pies on my side of
the table, just for me. How thoughtful is that?! He is just 7.
This evening we packed up the gamecube and went to my sister's house
so seamus and his cousin could work at unlocking a character. When
we got there i realized Seamus forgot to pack up a cord we needed. I
was a little frustrated with that and negativity creeped in ("HOW
could you forget it? I asked you if you had everything!"), but then
i thought this was going to really ruin the day. So i said, i'll
just drive home and get it (it was about five miles)....Seamus
couldnt believe it "Really? You'll drive all the way home??" "Sure."
So i did, it only took a little while, and they've been happily
playing SuperSmash Bros. for hours now while i get time on the
computer. (oh and i also apologized for losing my temper.)
I think most mainstream parents would never even consider driving
home for a videogame cable (just on "general principal" if nothing
else), but then again, i dont think they would get custard pies
brought to their table either!
I'm the type of person who wants to jump immediately to "No" or "its
too messy/hard/tiring/long" or whatever, but i am finding that
this "saying yes" thing is making our lives so much nicer, kinder,
sweeter. I'm so thankful to the people on the list for showing me
that by saying "yes" i am not encouraging laziness or "giving in" to
my child.
Katherine
[email protected]
Sorry, this is being posted oddly. I thought it was a duplicate because of
the bottom part. The top part is the new info.
There've been several posts lately where it was hard to tell the quote from
the new post. Please try to mark what you're quoting. Sorry I misunderstood
this one and pulled it.
a moderator-person (Sandra)
From: "Dana Browning" <hsmomofonly3@...>
Date: Mon May 17, 2004 6:24am
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: "a taste of his own medicine"
Yesterday DH and I were out with our 2yob. We stopped at 7-11 and DS wanted
some M&Ms. Dh said no. I asked why he said no and DH said because he threw a
fit. I asked did he throw the fit before or after you said no? He started to go
back for them, but by then we were on the way again. I think it was a totally
new concept for him.
Dana
[and this was quoted from earlier]
I'm the type of person who wants to jump immediately to "No" or "its
too messy/hard/tiring/long" or whatever, but i am finding that
this "saying yes" thing is making our lives so much nicer, kinder,
sweeter. I'm so thankful to the people on the list for showing me
that by saying "yes" i am not encouraging laziness or "giving in" to
my child.
Katherine
the bottom part. The top part is the new info.
There've been several posts lately where it was hard to tell the quote from
the new post. Please try to mark what you're quoting. Sorry I misunderstood
this one and pulled it.
a moderator-person (Sandra)
From: "Dana Browning" <hsmomofonly3@...>
Date: Mon May 17, 2004 6:24am
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: "a taste of his own medicine"
Yesterday DH and I were out with our 2yob. We stopped at 7-11 and DS wanted
some M&Ms. Dh said no. I asked why he said no and DH said because he threw a
fit. I asked did he throw the fit before or after you said no? He started to go
back for them, but by then we were on the way again. I think it was a totally
new concept for him.
Dana
[and this was quoted from earlier]
I'm the type of person who wants to jump immediately to "No" or "its
too messy/hard/tiring/long" or whatever, but i am finding that
this "saying yes" thing is making our lives so much nicer, kinder,
sweeter. I'm so thankful to the people on the list for showing me
that by saying "yes" i am not encouraging laziness or "giving in" to
my child.
Katherine