talked with daughter
Have a Nice Day!
After all of my hand wringing and worrying on Friday, I had the weekend to think and I read about half of the book suggested.
I decided that I would wait, and not say anything. i had already spoken to her on the phone friday night, so she knew I was upset.
I told dh not to say anything to her when she got home last night (I was working). I wanted to wait and see what she said.
She came into my room this morning and said "well, are you going to lecture me?". (She wasn't being sarcastic).
I said "nope". Then she told me all about her trip to the mountains. she had a great time.
My younger daughter came downstairs and asked if I'd yelled at dd yet LOL. I said "no, she doesn't need me to tell her what she did was wrong, she already knows that".
In fact, dd *volunteered* to go and make ammends and said, she tried to fix it before she left the other night, but the two girls that were with her bailed on her, and it was getting dark, so she was afraid to be there after dark. (and *I* said, "you should have called me from the cell phone, I would have helped you")
She said she would never have let things as they were "because thats just wrong" and when I asked why she did it, she said "we were just being stupid".
I thought she might be upset at what she'd have to do to make ammends, but she is jumping at the chance.
So......all is well. And thank you all for your support.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I decided that I would wait, and not say anything. i had already spoken to her on the phone friday night, so she knew I was upset.
I told dh not to say anything to her when she got home last night (I was working). I wanted to wait and see what she said.
She came into my room this morning and said "well, are you going to lecture me?". (She wasn't being sarcastic).
I said "nope". Then she told me all about her trip to the mountains. she had a great time.
My younger daughter came downstairs and asked if I'd yelled at dd yet LOL. I said "no, she doesn't need me to tell her what she did was wrong, she already knows that".
In fact, dd *volunteered* to go and make ammends and said, she tried to fix it before she left the other night, but the two girls that were with her bailed on her, and it was getting dark, so she was afraid to be there after dark. (and *I* said, "you should have called me from the cell phone, I would have helped you")
She said she would never have let things as they were "because thats just wrong" and when I asked why she did it, she said "we were just being stupid".
I thought she might be upset at what she'd have to do to make ammends, but she is jumping at the chance.
So......all is well. And thank you all for your support.
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On May 10, 2004, at 10:44 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
path with her. Keep reading that book. Remember no matter what stupid
thing she might do, she's still "her." You did so great, waiting for
her to talk to you and recognizing that your lecturing her wasn't going
to tell her anything she doesn't already know.
Congratulations!!! This was a breakthrough for your relationship.
Even when it's tough, in the future, as it probably will be, remember
this turnaround moment - you can do it again and again.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> I thought she might be upset at what she'd have to do to make ammends,Kristen, I got chills reading the whole thing - you're on such a good
> but she is jumping at the chance.
>
> So......all is well. And thank you all for your support.
>
path with her. Keep reading that book. Remember no matter what stupid
thing she might do, she's still "her." You did so great, waiting for
her to talk to you and recognizing that your lecturing her wasn't going
to tell her anything she doesn't already know.
Congratulations!!! This was a breakthrough for your relationship.
Even when it's tough, in the future, as it probably will be, remember
this turnaround moment - you can do it again and again.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Have a Nice Day!
I have to share too, this afternoon she asked me if I got my Mother's Day gift from her. I hadn't. She said made an email card on May 3rd and it was scheduled to be sent May 9th.
It never got sent I guess. So she took me to the site and showed me the card.
It was the COOLEST card. One part of it thanks mom for her "guidance and support in everything I do". She said she chose that card because of that one line.
And then she wrote her own message:
Mom..
I love they way you have been there most of the time, I love that you take me mostly everywhere I wanna go,I love you vary much, and im vary happy you let me do mostly whatever I want!.. Thank you..
All I could do was just beam and give her a big hug.
Kristen
It never got sent I guess. So she took me to the site and showed me the card.
It was the COOLEST card. One part of it thanks mom for her "guidance and support in everything I do". She said she chose that card because of that one line.
And then she wrote her own message:
Mom..
I love they way you have been there most of the time, I love that you take me mostly everywhere I wanna go,I love you vary much, and im vary happy you let me do mostly whatever I want!.. Thank you..
All I could do was just beam and give her a big hug.
Kristen
----- Original Message -----
From: pam sorooshian
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, May 10, 2004 3:50 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] talked with daughter
On May 10, 2004, at 10:44 AM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
> I thought she might be upset at what she'd have to do to make ammends,
> but she is jumping at the chance.
>
> So......all is well. And thank you all for your support.
>
Kristen, I got chills reading the whole thing - you're on such a good
path with her. Keep reading that book. Remember no matter what stupid
thing she might do, she's still "her." You did so great, waiting for
her to talk to you and recognizing that your lecturing her wasn't going
to tell her anything she doesn't already know.
Congratulations!!! This was a breakthrough for your relationship.
Even when it's tough, in the future, as it probably will be, remember
this turnaround moment - you can do it again and again.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On May 10, 2004, at 1:59 PM, Have a Nice Day! wrote:
But - when I read it again, quoted in Kristen's post, it occurred to me
to say that this was VERY hard for me and I just about bit my tongue
off for a couple of years trying not to EVER tell my kids something
they already knew.
This morning, Roya (19) said to me, "Mommy I am so glad you never took
a 'hands-off' approach with us and you didn't let us make mistakes
without letting us know what you thought, because even though sometimes
I did things anyway, that kept me from going too far and always made me
think about my choices."
We talked more - and there is more to why she was telling me this right
now - concerns she has about friends of hers, mainly.
But - my point is that in SPITE of the fact that I about turned myself
inside out trying NOT to be constantly telling her when I didn't
approve of her decisions, she absolutely always knew what I thought and
she cared a LOT about what I thought. I think I could have ruined that,
by shoving my opinions down her throat.
Not that we're "done," of course <G>.
And - just because I don't want anybody to get the feeling that I'm
holding myself up as the perfect mom --- we have occasions that are FAR
from sweet - where we're mad at each other and don't understand each
other at all, too. She can really hurt my feelings and I can fail to
grasp what it is she wants from me - I now realize that it is because
she clearly values my input and advice, but paradoxically there is also
a part of her that doesn't want to be taking advice from her mother
because she's not quite grown up enough to not feel resistant to that.
So she asks and then rejects and that frustrates me and we have hard
feelings. I get it now, so maybe that'll help me not to get frustrated.
Poor first kids will ALWAYS be the kid with whom parents have to learn
the hard way.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> You did so great, waiting forThis is SO tacky - I'm quoting myself <G>.
> her to talk to you and recognizing that your lecturing her wasn't
> going
> to tell her anything she doesn't already know.
But - when I read it again, quoted in Kristen's post, it occurred to me
to say that this was VERY hard for me and I just about bit my tongue
off for a couple of years trying not to EVER tell my kids something
they already knew.
This morning, Roya (19) said to me, "Mommy I am so glad you never took
a 'hands-off' approach with us and you didn't let us make mistakes
without letting us know what you thought, because even though sometimes
I did things anyway, that kept me from going too far and always made me
think about my choices."
We talked more - and there is more to why she was telling me this right
now - concerns she has about friends of hers, mainly.
But - my point is that in SPITE of the fact that I about turned myself
inside out trying NOT to be constantly telling her when I didn't
approve of her decisions, she absolutely always knew what I thought and
she cared a LOT about what I thought. I think I could have ruined that,
by shoving my opinions down her throat.
Not that we're "done," of course <G>.
And - just because I don't want anybody to get the feeling that I'm
holding myself up as the perfect mom --- we have occasions that are FAR
from sweet - where we're mad at each other and don't understand each
other at all, too. She can really hurt my feelings and I can fail to
grasp what it is she wants from me - I now realize that it is because
she clearly values my input and advice, but paradoxically there is also
a part of her that doesn't want to be taking advice from her mother
because she's not quite grown up enough to not feel resistant to that.
So she asks and then rejects and that frustrates me and we have hard
feelings. I get it now, so maybe that'll help me not to get frustrated.
Poor first kids will ALWAYS be the kid with whom parents have to learn
the hard way.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Have a Nice Day!
She can really hurt my feelings and I can fail to
grasp what it is she wants from me - I now realize that it is because
she clearly values my input and advice, but paradoxically there is also
a part of her that doesn't want to be taking advice from her mother
because she's not quite grown up enough to not feel resistant to that.
************************
*THATS* quite an insight! I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be a long road ahead!
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
grasp what it is she wants from me - I now realize that it is because
she clearly values my input and advice, but paradoxically there is also
a part of her that doesn't want to be taking advice from her mother
because she's not quite grown up enough to not feel resistant to that.
************************
*THATS* quite an insight! I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be a long road ahead!
Kristen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/10/2004 10:25:17 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
litlrooh@... writes:
*THATS* quite an insight! I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be a
long road ahead!<<<<
It's actually a very short road! Nothing lasts long unless you make it. Enjoy
her. Celebrate her. She'll be a woman and gone before you know it!
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
litlrooh@... writes:
*THATS* quite an insight! I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure it will be a
long road ahead!<<<<
It's actually a very short road! Nothing lasts long unless you make it. Enjoy
her. Celebrate her. She'll be a woman and gone before you know it!
~Kelly
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]