mamaaj2000

Kristi,

Someone else mentioned trying to get family to give gifts other than
toys. I like that. I've tried asking people not to give gifts at all
and it hasn't worked for me. Perhaps asking them to take your kids
shopping to pick out toys or out on some other outing. I think a lot
of people would resist (or at least be annoyed by)a parent telling
them what toys not to buy, but would accept hearing what the child
wants or taking suggestions for outings.

I have one relative who gives money in our name to Heifer
International and I always love that. Then there's my MIL who doesn't
ever ask what anyone wants and then complains about how hard it is to
shop for people. I don't think she liked it when I interrupted her
complaining to tell her what dh and the kids wanted last Christmas!!
Oh well...

For years, I've tried to give people gifts that they could eat or
otherwise consume! I haven't done that much with kids, but maybe
there's something your kids like they they use up and therefore won't
take up space for long...

--aj

J. Stauffer

<<<<and toys
> are the control they have in my kids lives. Hm. Any thoughts on
this?>>>>

Are you sure you aren't doing the same thing but in reverse to your parents?
Getting rid of the toys as a way to control the relationship your parents
have with your kids?

So what if the grandparents give "bad" gifts? A walker can be slowed down
by messing with the wheels. I wonder about why you would try to sneak away
toys without people noticing.

You know what your kids would enjoy for their birthdays. Why not get it for
them? They are happy. You are happy. Your parents can get the toys that
make them happy.

I would suggest unless the grandparents are actively damaging a child, let
the kids and grandparents sort out their own relationship.

Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Kristi Hayes" <hayes@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, April 18, 2004 5:43 PM
Subject: RE: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Gifts other than toys


> I love the idea of "experiences" rather than objects, and have read of
> families successfully suggesting it. Usually in the anecdotes I read it
> ends up being an experience (basketball game) with a matching small gift
> (basketball). I've suggested this to my mom and MIL (both are within 20
> min. from us) and both enthusiastically applaud the suggestion at first.
> Then they go out and buy toys (and sometimes clothes). For the winter
> solstice I registered the kids at Toys R Us. Morgaine and I went around
> and picked things out for her and Orion. Our parents were not
> impressed. MIL actually took it so personally that for Orion's birthday
> last week, when we dropped Morgaine and Orion off so we could go b-day
> shopping, she handed us $40 and asked us to pick out some things we
> wanted him to have. This worked out great, but it saddened me too.
> Honestly, she sees them so seldom, 2 hrs. a month or less I'd guess,
> that she really doesn't know what they like, but at the same time I
> don't want her to think she can't get them things she thinks will make
> them happy. I'm just trying to control the quality and quantity of
> stuff - both families spend easily $50-$100 per kid, on junk, because
> they like them to have lots of things to open. Then we pile the junk
> into the car (we barely fit it in the back of my Volvo wagon last year
> after the winter holiday) and bring it home, and I slowly get rid
> of/throw out many of the things over the next several months. Others
> are harder to get rid of without them noticing, like the walker she
> chose for Orion that rolled way too fast and bloodied his nose a few
> times. There was a lot of hostility when we got rid of it, because she
> spent $30 on it.
>
> I also try to give "consumable" gifts, or versatile inexpensive ones.
> My two favorites are a small bag of scarves and homemade craft kits
> (such as a kit for making a dreamcatcher) or just materials (such as
> beads and pipe cleaners). It depends on the parent - some parents are
> far more likely to do a "kit" with their kids than just pull out beads
> to play with. Before buying these, though, I usually offer Morgaine (if
> it's her friend and a birthday party or whatever) the option of making
> them something - she enjoys giving homemade puppets and bracelets and
> dreamcatchers and such.
>
> The problem with suggestions for what the kids want is that our parents
> don't seem to trust us as parents. For Orion's birthday we chose a
> Hotwheels track for him, since the kids played with the last one so much
> they broke it. My mom said, "Oh, Dan (dh), we all know who that's for."
> Or about the bug cage (got tired of refereeing arguments over Morgaine's
> bug cage) - "He's way too young to use that." Meanwhile the stuffed
> bathtub Elmo (the fourth Elmo doll she's gotten him) has sat untouched.
> When I try to communicate with her about this, she gets very offended.
> MIL just shuts down. Yes, we're young parents. I was 21 when I had
> Morgaine; Dan was 24. But my mom was 21 when she had me, and Dan's mom
> was 24 when she had him. Perhaps that's the crux of the issue, now that
> I think about it - they just think I'm wacko and ruining my kids through
> babywearing, homebirthing, "homeschooling" (haven't mentioned that we
> won't be "doing school"), and extended breastfeeding, etc., and toys
> are the control they have in my kids lives. Hm. Any thoughts on this?
>
> Kristi
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

Kristi Hayes

I love the idea of "experiences" rather than objects, and have read of
families successfully suggesting it. Usually in the anecdotes I read it
ends up being an experience (basketball game) with a matching small gift
(basketball). I've suggested this to my mom and MIL (both are within 20
min. from us) and both enthusiastically applaud the suggestion at first.
Then they go out and buy toys (and sometimes clothes). For the winter
solstice I registered the kids at Toys R Us. Morgaine and I went around
and picked things out for her and Orion. Our parents were not
impressed. MIL actually took it so personally that for Orion's birthday
last week, when we dropped Morgaine and Orion off so we could go b-day
shopping, she handed us $40 and asked us to pick out some things we
wanted him to have. This worked out great, but it saddened me too.
Honestly, she sees them so seldom, 2 hrs. a month or less I'd guess,
that she really doesn't know what they like, but at the same time I
don't want her to think she can't get them things she thinks will make
them happy. I'm just trying to control the quality and quantity of
stuff - both families spend easily $50-$100 per kid, on junk, because
they like them to have lots of things to open. Then we pile the junk
into the car (we barely fit it in the back of my Volvo wagon last year
after the winter holiday) and bring it home, and I slowly get rid
of/throw out many of the things over the next several months. Others
are harder to get rid of without them noticing, like the walker she
chose for Orion that rolled way too fast and bloodied his nose a few
times. There was a lot of hostility when we got rid of it, because she
spent $30 on it.

I also try to give "consumable" gifts, or versatile inexpensive ones.
My two favorites are a small bag of scarves and homemade craft kits
(such as a kit for making a dreamcatcher) or just materials (such as
beads and pipe cleaners). It depends on the parent - some parents are
far more likely to do a "kit" with their kids than just pull out beads
to play with. Before buying these, though, I usually offer Morgaine (if
it's her friend and a birthday party or whatever) the option of making
them something - she enjoys giving homemade puppets and bracelets and
dreamcatchers and such.

The problem with suggestions for what the kids want is that our parents
don't seem to trust us as parents. For Orion's birthday we chose a
Hotwheels track for him, since the kids played with the last one so much
they broke it. My mom said, "Oh, Dan (dh), we all know who that's for."
Or about the bug cage (got tired of refereeing arguments over Morgaine's
bug cage) - "He's way too young to use that." Meanwhile the stuffed
bathtub Elmo (the fourth Elmo doll she's gotten him) has sat untouched.
When I try to communicate with her about this, she gets very offended.
MIL just shuts down. Yes, we're young parents. I was 21 when I had
Morgaine; Dan was 24. But my mom was 21 when she had me, and Dan's mom
was 24 when she had him. Perhaps that's the crux of the issue, now that
I think about it - they just think I'm wacko and ruining my kids through
babywearing, homebirthing, "homeschooling" (haven't mentioned that we
won't be "doing school"), and extended breastfeeding, etc., and toys
are the control they have in my kids lives. Hm. Any thoughts on this?

Kristi


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/19/04 5:12:53 AM, hayes@... writes:

<< I'm just trying to control the quality and quantity of
stuff - both families spend easily $50-$100 per kid, on junk, because
they like them to have lots of things to open. Then we pile the junk
into the car (we barely fit it in the back of my Volvo wagon last year
after the winter holiday) and bring it home, and I slowly get rid
of/throw out many of the things over the next several months. >>

Control isn't always a good thing. I can still remember some things my
mother just caused to disappear. It shouldn't have been her decision to make.
But a many adults are with their children, they feel like they own the children
and own their things.

-=-she enjoys giving homemade puppets and bracelets and
dreamcatchers and such. -=-

That's an important aspect of gift giving. There is something of the giver,
and of joy.

Telling people what to give negates that.

When Holly's going to a birthday party, sometimes she knows exactly what she
wants to give the person. Sometimes I ask the mom if there's a theme or need
or if the child is collecting anything particular. Sometimes we don't need
to ask. Sometimes Holly just gives someone she doesn't know very well
something interesting she thinks they wouldn't have known about (and she's a good gift
giver). If there's something obscure and unique or new, how could a child or
a mom request it? And if someone requests something, it's too much like
sending the bill in advance, for my tastes.

-= The problem with suggestions for what the kids want is that our parents
don't seem to trust us as parents. -=-

This doesn't seem clean.
I don't see a parents' job as telling grandparents what to give as gifts.

-=-they just think I'm wacko and ruining my kids through
babywearing, homebirthing, "homeschooling" (haven't mentioned that we
won't be "doing school"), and extended breastfeeding, etc., and toys
are the control they have in my kids lives. Hm. Any thoughts on this?
-=-

It sounds like there are control issues and hold-out issues on both sides.

Maybe it should be about the children, and not the relationship between the
parents and grandparents.

Maybe if the inlaws had been more respectful of your husband's interests and
needs all along, it would be less irritating now. Instead of repeating the
control-tension buildup, maybe try to avoid and release it.

Sandra

pam sorooshian

On Apr 18, 2004, at 3:43 PM, Kristi Hayes wrote:

> I'm just trying to control the quality and quantity of
> stuff - both families spend easily $50-$100 per kid, on junk, because
> they like them to have lots of things to open

The money is worth it to them to give them lots of things to open.
They get enjoyment out of that and you are wanting to stop them. I
understand your thinking, but it doesn't sound very gracious of you. I
hope you don't complain about the gifts in front of your kids, but keep
it to yourself.

> . Then we pile the junk
> into the car (we barely fit it in the back of my Volvo wagon last year
> after the winter holiday) and bring it home, and I slowly get rid
> of/throw out many of the things over the next several months. Others
> are harder to get rid of without them noticing, like the walker she
> chose for Orion that rolled way too fast and bloodied his nose a few
> times. There was a lot of hostility when we got rid of it, because she
> spent $30 on it.

You said they only see them a few hours a month. So pull out the walker
when they are RIGHT there and let them use it in front of them while
you keep a super close watch. Bring the toys THEY gave them out when
they are there. It'll give them joy to see them playing with things
THEY gave them. If you can create a little joy in their lives, why hold
back on it. You don't have to TELL them if you give away a bunch of the
stuff after letting the kids play with it a time or two, keeping only
the things the kids really do love. You can tell them how much the kids
had fun playing with the stuff, not how you don't have room for it and
don't want it.

On Easter, my family had a little get-together and I wore a pair of
pants and a shirt that my sister had given me for my birthday in
February. She's always giving me clothes for gifts and I can't STAND
her taste in clothes. I've given them away, in the past, without ever
wearing them. But this time I thought about it and decided to keep this
outfit to wear the next time I saw her and I did. I saw her eyes light
UP and heard her say to her daughter, "Look, Aunt Pam is wearing the
outfit we picked out for her." And her daughter (16 yo) also looked
really pleased. I don't have to wear the clothes again.

I did the same thing with another gift. My daughter is a ceramicist and
our house is overflowing with her creations - it is a problem that we
deal with - it is like having a cat that keeps having kittens -
everybody we know has cupboard filled with my daughter's wonderful
dishes and yet they keep coming.

But that same sister, unthinkingly, BOUGHT me a lovely, but machine
made, ceramic tray and matching "dip bowl." There is just nowhere for
me to keep this and it is entirely out of place with all my
one-of-a-kind handmade ceramics. So, my OTHER sister, who has more
sense, told me quietly, "Just use it once at a family party and then
send it off to the Goodwill Store."

-pam

National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.

Mary

One thing that came to mind in regard to giving away toys that are not
played with or for some reason not "appropriate."
My kids play with things sometimes ages after they were given to them. I am
always trying to find more space for more stuff so I know what that's like.
But one can really find ways to store things in bins, boxes and crates.

I was thinking about the walker that was mentioned. I saw my neice have one
for her daughter and thought it was so cute and went and bought one for
Alyssa. She wasn't thrilled with it and never really used it to walk. It sat
for quite awhile. Long enough that I thought it was a total wash out.
Probably about a year later, all the kids were using it and playing with it.
Not like it was actually intended for, but loads of fun nonetheless!

I never get rid of anything until I ask the kids first. Just because I don't
think they play with it, doesn't mean they don't want it around. And when
one doesn't want something, I ask the other two if they might want it. If no
one is interested, I give it away. And sometimes, when no one is interested,
I keep it anyway, on a motherly hunch.

Joseph wanted this Harry Potter maze game kind of thing years ago. It was
rather expensive but we bought it anyway. It was played with for about a
week. Everytime we have clean out days, about twice a year, Joseph would
mention that we could give it away. I always kept it. It wasn't the money, I
just knew that eventually, one of the 3 smaller kids would play with it. A
few months ago, Joseph took it out and all 3 had a blast with it. Joseph
even thanked me for keeping it as he didn't know how much fun it would be.

So sometimes, just being a different age makes something very inviting. And
remember, it doesn't have to be played with like grown ups expect it to
either.

Mary B

Dawn Adams

Mary writes:
I was thinking about the walker that was mentioned. I saw my neice have one
for her daughter and thought it was so cute and went and bought one for
Alyssa. She wasn't thrilled with it and never really used it to walk. It sat
for quite awhile. Long enough that I thought it was a total wash out.
Probably about a year later, all the kids were using it and playing with it.
Not like it was actually intended for, but loads of fun nonetheless!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I think receiving a walker would be a diff. matter for me. They are dangerous in my books. Fortunately here in Canada they were just banned and can't be sold in any way now so even if I had another baby I wouldn't have to deal with it. I would be tempted to have a talk with the giver who might not have been aware of the issues aurrounding walkers. Then again, I guess I could stick it in the basement until they showed up at the house and stick the baby in it at that time for show.
With guests there'd be lots of supervision. It would likely be disasembled and tossed first chance I got though.

Dawn (in NS)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

averyschmidt

> I think receiving a walker would be a diff. matter for me. They
are dangerous in my books.

A baby I know just recently fell down the basement stairs in a
walker and had to go to the hospital. He was fine, but it could
have been bad.
But still, I don't think it's so much the object that's dangerous
but how it's used and where and whether there's direct supervision.
My middle son spent some happy time in a walker in the very long
driveway of our old house while his brother rode a little bike. I
always paid close attention so he wouldn't get near the road or into
any other predicaments, and he was never in any danger.

The newer, "safer" alternative to a walker are those immobile things
that the baby can spin around in and play with the various toys on
the sides. The good part is that the baby can't fall down the
stairs in one (or roll into the road if outside), but the bad part
is that some mothers then tend to leave their babies alone in them.
(I've heard people jokingly call them their "neglectomatic"
or "neglecto-saucer.") At least with a walker the mother has to pay
attention.

Patti

Kristi Hayes

The money is worth it to them to give them lots of things to open.
They get enjoyment out of that and you are wanting to stop them. I
understand your thinking, but it doesn't sound very gracious of you. I
hope you don't complain about the gifts in front of your kids, but keep
it to yourself.


We told them that they're welcome to buy them all that stuff and keep it
at their houses. We have a space issue. I don't have a basement to
store unused toys. The kids' room is already full. The corners and
end-table cabinets in the living room are full. The top bunk of the
bunkbed is full. The closet shelves are full. Under the beds - mine
and the kids' - are full. So when I say I'm controlling the quality and
quantity of stff, I mean stuff per square inch that my kids enjoy.
Morgaine loves the "throwaway" party favors she gets at birthday
parties. So we still have almost all of them. When we purge, which we
have to do often, I give Morgaine a small box or bag to fill - her
choice. Orion is just learning to talk in sentences. I make decisions
about what to get rid of for him. He turned 2 last week. The
conversations I had this winter with mom and MIL were indeed private.
They are welcome to get the kids whatever they want, but the get very
upset when we get rid of their gifts. My mother gave my children,
between the two of them, 5 new stuffed rabbits for Easter. There is one
they like and play with, the rest are ignored. It is likely we will get
rid of them at the next purge. I'll first offer them to my mom for her
house. Because she gets very upset when I give things away. I'm no
different with toys I give them that flop. I get rid of them knowing
any space it makes will be filled at the next holiday or event.

You said they only see them a few hours a month. So pull out the walker
when they are RIGHT there and let them use it in front of them while
you keep a super close watch. Bring the toys THEY gave them out when
they are there. It'll give them joy to see them playing with things
THEY gave them.

They only come to our house for parties or once or twice when each baby
is born, seldom otherwise and usually for less than an hour. We go to
their house. The walker was a push-walker, and after he bloodied his
nose the second time I decided the wooden walker we had gooten at a yard
sale was just fine. He was 10 months old; I didn't ask his permission
to get rid of it. When MIL asked us how he liked the walker, Morgaine
said "we don't have that anymore; he has a different one." I don't lie
well, so when she asked what happened to it I told her. Could I have
thrown it in the basement? Sure, if I had one. But for what purpose?
It might be played with later, but if they want one later they will ask
for it. I can't cram every toy in the whole wide world into the house
just in case they want it one day. So we keep what they enjoy and purge
what they don't. Morgaine doesn't wake up one day and find her dolls or
barbies are gone; I say, "Look; the Barbie box is too full to fit under
your bed. How are we going to make it fit? " "There's nowhere to put
this toy in your room. What can we get rid of to make a place for it?"

"Just use it once at a family party and then
send it off to the Goodwill Store."


If she asks about it, will you tell her you got rid of it, tell her it
broke, or tell her you still have it? I just can't lie, and I'm not
very good with fudging the truth either.
I have a friend who keeps everything. When she tries to have a yard
sale and her kids don't want to get rid of anything, she says "OK." You
can't walk through her house. Most of the stuff sits untouched. The
stairs are full, the living room is full, the bedroom is full. The
basement has just enough space for a laundry basket. The kids have a
few favorite toys they play with but mostly ignore the other stuff. I
can't live like that, neither can my husband, and my kids aren't happy
like that either. When Morgaine was a baby I kept everything "just in
case." I finally realized she didn't play with anything because there
was just too much. When she was about three (a few months after we
moved into our trailer, and before she was even sharing a room with her
brother) I decided to take everything out of her room that was lying in
pieces or usually not played with. I put them into five large garbage
bags in the shed. I told her she had more stuff than she could take
care of, and we were going to put it away for a while. She helped me
fill the bags. Since that day she has asked for three things out of
those bags. She knows the bags are still there in the shed, because I
haven't gotten around to hauling them out and going through them.
(Incidentally my shed has about 4 square feet of empty floorspace in
front of the door. The rest is crammed full.) That was very freeing to
me - she was much happier and played more with her things and was less
bored all the time. She watched less TV. She could find the things she
wanted. It was a joy. It's no different than getting rid of clothes
when her dresser is too full to close the drawers; she chooses the
clothes she wants to get rid of, and usually finds clothes she'd
forgotten she had. We do the same. I can't count the loads I have
taken to the goodwill. Now I can walk into the little storage porch we
have and see what I have for food. I don't end up tossing stuff in
there. If there was an emergency I could even walk through there to get
out of the house. We keep our small appliances out there and our
canning supplies, a little freezer, and some gardening tools. Square
footwise, the kids have as much space as the adults do. Control is
necessary sometimes; it is not always a bad thing. I could have a house
full of toys people have bought them and they don't play with. I
suppose I could replace their beds with shelves and they could sleep on
our couches. I could even replace my bed with shelves and sleep on the
couch with them, or on the floor since the couches don't pull out.
Anything can be taken to an extreme, both too much control as well as
too little.

Kristi


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Cally Brown

They have just been banned in NZ too, becuase of their appalling record
of damaging people. Not just babies either - my sister is a nurse and
while carrying things stepped into one left at the bottom of some stairs
- she was off work for months, having done some very serious damage to
her knee.
Cally

>> I think receiving a walker would be a diff. matter for me. They
>>
>>
>are dangerous in my books.
>
>A baby I know just recently fell down the basement stairs in a
>walker and had to go to the hospital.
>



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Mary

From: "Dawn Adams" <Wishbone@...>

<<I think receiving a walker would be a diff. matter for me. They are
dangerous in my books. Fortunately here in Canada they were just banned and
can't be sold in any way now so even if I had another baby I wouldn't have
to deal with it. I would be tempted to have a talk with the giver who might
not have been aware of the issues aurrounding walkers. Then again, I guess I
could stick it in the basement until they showed up at the house and stick
the baby in it at that time for show.
With guests there'd be lots of supervision. It would likely be disasembled
and tossed first chance I got though.>>


I took the original poster as meaning one of those things you push that has
wheels and helps the child walk. When she said it moved too fast and the
baby got hurt, that's what I was thinking of. Can't see where the ones you
stick the baby in moves too fast.

Anyhoo, all 4 of my kids had the regular stick the baby in walkers and I
never had any problems. Of course I never had any stairs to worry about
either and never had any instances of them even looking like they would tip
over. And naturally I was always right there too.

Mary B

[email protected]

In a message dated 4/19/04 10:36:16 PM, hayes@... writes:

<< I'll first offer them to my mom for her
house. Because she gets very upset when I give things away. >>

Can you ask your mom to store some things at her house and then you can
switch boxes of toys in and out from time to time to keep them circulating?

Would your parents buy you a storage shed (if you have a yard) or pay for a
storage unit? that might be a good gift, so you can keep more toys and just
not keep them all in one place. (Ah, you have a shed:-=- I put them into five
large garbage
bags in the shed. -=-)

Holly's playing with something that hasn't been played with for years. It's
a pattern toy she's never really played with herself and she's having a blast.
We found it when we went to look for yarn in the sewing room.

-=-I get rid of them knowing
any space it makes will be filled at the next holiday or event. -=-

If you think of them as resources and learning tools instead of just space
fillers will that make any difference?

-=-Anything can be taken to an extreme, both too much control as well as
too little. -=-

Those aren't the only choices, though. Maybe there's a way to make a table
of a stack of xerox boxes with lids, and cycle toys back and forth that way.
Can you store anything under the trailer? Like in a box taped shut, wrapped in
heavy trash-bag?

Sandra

averyschmidt

> They have just been banned in NZ too, becuase of their appalling
record
> of damaging people. Not just babies either - my sister is a nurse
and
> while carrying things stepped into one left at the bottom of some
stairs
> - she was off work for months, having done some very serious
damage to
> her knee.

I've done the same thing with my sons' skateboards and rollerblades
though. That would be a good reminder for keeping things in
appropriate places when not in use.

Patti

pam sorooshian

On Apr 19, 2004, at 1:35 PM, Kristi Hayes wrote:

> "Just use it once at a family party and then
> send it off to the Goodwill Store."
>
>
> If she asks about it, will you tell her you got rid of it, tell her it
> broke, or tell her you still have it? I just can't lie, and I'm not
> very good with fudging the truth either.

I think you missed the point of using the gift in front of them. They
won't ASK later if they see the kids using it first. Gift givers like
to get some feedback that the kids enjoyed the gift, that's why they
ask. If you make sure they get that feedback, then you won't be put
into the position of having them ask.

The walker is a special situation and special situations make bad
precedent. The kids aren't going to get injured by stuffed rabbits - so
keep them around long enough for them to have a chance to bring them
out and play with them in front of the the gift givers or take some
pictures of them playing with them and send them to the gift givers or
save them to take on a visit to the gift-giver's house.

I know you don't mean it this way, but instead of sounding like someone
looking for a happy solution to a space problem, you sound simply
ungrateful and like you probably have other underlying issues with
these people.

-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.

Kristi

>I know you don't mean it this way, but instead of
sounding like someone
looking for a happy solution to a space problem, you
sound simply
ungrateful and like you probably have other underlying
issues with
these people.

:) They're my parents, and my in-laws. Of course I
have issues with them! (Note the smile that preceded
the comment.)

Seriously, though; I know I sound ungrateful. For me
it's more an issue of waste, frugality, etc. It's one
I should let go of; since I know they know we are
going to get rid of things if the kids don't like them and we don't
have room, and still choose to spend
so much money on things the kids haven't shown interest in, then no
big deal.

I do make a point to express to them when the kids
really enjoy something. I've worked harder at this
the last year, and I see my mother's gifts evolving
into more appropriately chosen items. Maybe if I make
them all feel more appreciated, whether that appreciation is genuine
or lightly enhanced, the same will hold true for others; as they
feel more appreciated they may not feel the need to give the kids so
much, or might spend more time with the kids if they feel more
appreciated. I hadn't looked at it quite that way before.

Thanks for clarifying the intent of your post!

Kristi

Fetteroll

on 4/22/04 9:12 PM, Kristi at hayes@... wrote:

> I do make a point to express to them when the kids
> really enjoy something. I've worked harder at this
> the last year, and I see my mother's gifts evolving
> into more appropriately chosen items. Maybe if I make
> them all feel more appreciated, whether that appreciation is genuine
> or lightly enhanced, the same will hold true for others; as they
> feel more appreciated they may not feel the need to give the kids so
> much, or might spend more time with the kids if they feel more
> appreciated.

Maybe rather than focusing on the goal being less burdensome gifts, focus on
the goal being to help them know their grandchildren better. Like a monthly
chatty letter about the things they're doing and the things they're
interested in.

Joyce

Kristi

Like a monthly
> chatty letter about the things they're doing and the things they're
> interested in.
>
It's funny you should mention this, as I was just considering
something like it, but having the kids help and doing a
mini "newsletter" format. Thought it might be a lot of fun for the
kids as well as helping the family feel more at ease with our
lifestyle, and also keep them in "anecdotes."

Has anyone done this? I was afraid it might seem somehow either
pushy or over the top; neither phrase is conveying precisely what I
mean but I hope it gives the gist. I was wondering what kind of
info you include if you do? I was maybe a half page of text per
kiddo and some pics, as well as a page for each of them if they want
to include their own separate drawings or letters or whatever. I
was thinking of copying and printing it and mailing one to each
parent and the great grandparents also, maybe once a month.

Kristi

mamaaj2000

You never know. My step-mom is basically uninterested in my kids, but
she's an excellent gift-giver and always has been. She's great at
putting herself in someone else's mind and figuring out what they
want/need. My MIL, on the other hand, adores the kids and hears about
them weekly, etc. but buying gifts is not her forte. I don't know if
she's buying things that are on sale or what, but she'll give
sweatshirts at the begining of summer, not age-appropriate stuff (off
by a few years and not safe), wrong size stuff--she asked my son's
size before Easter, but didn't ask dd's size and then sent something
too small. I think she'd already bought the outfit, honestly, and
knew it wasn't the right size.

I could try to figure out why she does this--too many people to buy
for, probably--but I don't think I can do anything to change it. I
want to do what I can, if anything, to help her have a great
relationship with the kids.

--aj


--- In [email protected], "Kristi" <hayes@m...>
wrote:
>Maybe if I make
> them all feel more appreciated, whether that appreciation is
genuine
> or lightly enhanced, the same will hold true for others; as they
> feel more appreciated they may not feel the need to give the kids
so
> much, or might spend more time with the kids if they feel more
> appreciated. I hadn't looked at it quite that way before.

mamaaj2000

Most of our family is on the net, so that makes it easy to put
something out there (mostly pictures) and let them come look when
they want to. Otherwise, you will have to use "push technology" and
send something to them.

You could put together an offer letter and ask them if they want to
subscribe to the newsletter. Include a stamped return envelope, give
a bonus if they put a sticker inside the correct circle, however far
you want to take it.

Depending on how much the kids like to do it, you could do 'custom'
issues for people instead of copying...

--aj

--- In [email protected], "Kristi" <hayes@m...>
wrote:
> Like a monthly
> > chatty letter about the things they're doing and the things
they're
> > interested in.
> >
> It's funny you should mention this, as I was just considering
> something like it, but having the kids help and doing a
> mini "newsletter" format. Thought it might be a lot of fun for the
> kids as well as helping the family feel more at ease with our
> lifestyle, and also keep them in "anecdotes."
>
> Has anyone done this? I was afraid it might seem somehow either
> pushy or over the top; neither phrase is conveying precisely what I
> mean but I hope it gives the gist. I was wondering what kind of
> info you include if you do? I was maybe a half page of text per
> kiddo and some pics, as well as a page for each of them if they
want
> to include their own separate drawings or letters or whatever. I
> was thinking of copying and printing it and mailing one to each
> parent and the great grandparents also, maybe once a month.
>
> Kristi

Jane Van Benthusen

We've made newsletters for all the grandparents over the years. We use a
Word template that is easy to lay out, is free and looks like a
newsletter.We have to print them and mail them. We print 5 for family and
one for us. It's fun to do and the boys have learned a ton over the years
doing it. They also love the attention. Like if I write and article about
one or both of them. I add pictures and examples of their work from time to
time. When they were young I wrote it all or typed for them while they told
me a story or memory. Now they are 12 and 15 and they write a lot of it on
their own. We usually keep it to four pages. They have become treasured
items. :) Have fun with it! I love the idea of having them subscribe and
donate postage. :) Jane


----- Original Message -----
From: "mamaaj2000" <mamaaj2000@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Friday, April 23, 2004 10:21 AM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] Re: Newletters was re: gifts


> Most of our family is on the net, so that makes it easy to put
> something out there (mostly pictures) and let them come look when
> they want to. Otherwise, you will have to use "push technology" and
> send something to them.
>
> You could put together an offer letter and ask them if they want to
> subscribe to the newsletter. Include a stamped return envelope, give
> a bonus if they put a sticker inside the correct circle, however far
> you want to take it.
>
> Depending on how much the kids like to do it, you could do 'custom'
> issues for people instead of copying...
>
> --aj
>
> --- In [email protected], "Kristi" <hayes@m...>
> wrote:
> > Like a monthly
> > > chatty letter about the things they're doing and the things
> they're
> > > interested in.
> > >
> > It's funny you should mention this, as I was just considering
> > something like it, but having the kids help and doing a
> > mini "newsletter" format. Thought it might be a lot of fun for the
> > kids as well as helping the family feel more at ease with our
> > lifestyle, and also keep them in "anecdotes."
> >
> > Has anyone done this? I was afraid it might seem somehow either
> > pushy or over the top; neither phrase is conveying precisely what I
> > mean but I hope it gives the gist. I was wondering what kind of
> > info you include if you do? I was maybe a half page of text per
> > kiddo and some pics, as well as a page for each of them if they
> want
> > to include their own separate drawings or letters or whatever. I
> > was thinking of copying and printing it and mailing one to each
> > parent and the great grandparents also, maybe once a month.
> >
> > Kristi
>
>
>
>
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