Mark and Rheta Wallingford

I forgot to remind those who havne't been following the Tale of Kirby
>that he was a furious kind of explosive games player when he was
>little. Games had to played EXACTLY RIGHT and it was best if Kirby
>won. Video games needed to go well within his window of patience, or
>that controller was going to be sorry. He did NOT accept variance. He
>didn't like furniture rearranged.

I was just pondering this aspect of Isabel's personality, her need to
win at all costs. Not really sure how to handle it sometimes. She
cries and throws a fit when she doesn't win. She will also cheat the
rules in order to win. Don't want to lecture and am not sure what to
do, i.e. stop playing, explain that in every game someone wins and
someone loses, etc. What did others do in this case? What did you do
Sandra when Kirby lost and beat on the controller? Just let him do it
or talk to him about it? Do I just wait until she grows out of it? Any
advice would be appreciated.

Rheta


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

[email protected]

In a message dated 3/30/04 5:23:08 AM, wallingford@... writes:

<< Don't want to lecture and am not sure what to
do, i.e. stop playing, explain that in every game someone wins and
someone loses, etc. What did others do in this case? >>

There are games where winning isn't quite the "winning" it is with a very
competitive game. There's a whole cooperative-games company (maybe more than
one).

One thing we did sometimes was to play from the beginning so that one person
would win. "Let's let Holly win" and then all moves would be made with that
goal in mind. It doesn't make the game easier or harder, just different.

There were times I said "Kirby, it's not fun to play with you when you're not
willing to possibly lose." I wish I'd thought of something better to do, but
I didn't, and the other two kids weren't that way.

He DID get over it, though!

<<What did you do
Sandra when Kirby lost and beat on the controller? Just let him do it
or talk to him about it? >>

Disarmed him of the controller.

He would just throw it as hard as he could.

We talked to him about taking deep calming breaths, about running to get his
adrenaline out, or playing with the dog, instead of throwing things he really
did not want to break. We talked about him getting up and stretching or
going to get a drink or a snack when he was getting frustrated, and NOT ever under
any circumstances to try to hold his breath until he won a game. <g> (That
can be done pretty easily and humorously, and it seemed to be the cause of the
blow-up, is that he'd been tensely NOT breathing.)

Other people checking in on him, bringing him snacks, just asking him a
question would help break the tense-spell too, and we learned to do that.

<<Do I just wait until she grows out of it? Any
advice would be appreciated. >>

I wouldn't JUST wait. I'd try a combination of coping tools and waiting. It
takes both, I think.

For Kirby, I'm sure karate itself helped. Does she have any interest in
martial arts?

Sandra

Anita Bower

>
>I was just pondering this aspect of Isabel's personality, her need to
>win at all costs.... She
>cries and throws a fit when she doesn't win. She will also cheat the
>rules in order to win.

How old is Isabel?

Ross also used to have a fit when he lost. Would get very upset. Would
quit or throw parts of the game around if he felt he was going to lose. I
usually let him win without his knowing what I was doing. I think he was
about 10 years old when he began to be able to accept the idea that
sometimes he would lose. It wasn't until age 13-14 that he was mostly
comfortable with losing, though, he still much prefers to win.

When he lost on a computer game and get angry, we suggested a change of
activity, and often would read aloud to him, which he always found calming.

He also used to throw things when he got angry, but now, goes to his room
until he calms down.

Kids do mature and learn.

Anita Bower

Anita Bower

>
><<What did you do
>Sandra when Kirby lost and beat on the controller?
>
>Disarmed him of the controller.
>
>He would just throw it as hard as he could.

Ross wanted to break things when he was mad. We talked this over with Ross
seeking an acceptable way of venting. Finally, we bought cheap cups and
mugs at tag sales and had a stash of them in the garage. When he was
explosively mad, he would go out and throw them against the outside garage
wall. This worried my sister who was sure Ross would never learn to
control his anger. However, it only lasted for a year or two. Our goal
was to create a safe outlet for his explosive anger.

We talked a lot about anger and how to deal with it. We tried various
strategies at different times.

>For Kirby, I'm sure karate itself helped.

Karate has also been a huge help to Ross. It channelled his aggressive
energy and focused it in class, not out of class.

Anita Bower

arcarpenter2003

--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 3/30/04 5:23:08 AM, wallingford@m... writes:
> <<What did you do
> Sandra when Kirby lost and beat on the controller? Just let him do
it
> or talk to him about it? >>
>
> Disarmed him of the controller.
>
> He would just throw it as hard as he could.
>
> We talked to him about taking deep calming breaths . . .

I've also watched as Fisher has struggled with frustration, too,
though he doesn't throw the controller. I've noticed that if I
don't "over-parent" -- jump in and try to help, tell him it's okay,
tell him to calm down -- his "tantrum" (crying, wailing, jumping
around) is actually him processing and taking the time to think how
he wants to approach the problem. If I stay out of it at the crucial
moment, after a few minutes he will often sigh and say something
like, "It's okay if I lose," or "Oh, I should try xyz."

I still give him lots of support -- snacks and listening and looking
up tips and walk-throughs for him. I let him know if he wants my
help at those meltdown moments, I will help. But I'm learning when
to get out of the way. <g>

Peace,
Amy

arcarpenter2003

--- In [email protected], "Mark and Rheta
Wallingford" <wallingford@m...> wrote:
<< her need to
> win at all costs. Not really sure how to handle it sometimes. She
> cries and throws a fit when she doesn't win. She will also cheat
the
> rules in order to win. Don't want to lecture and am not sure what
to
> do, i.e. stop playing, explain that in every game someone wins and
> someone loses, etc. >>

We have this situation as well. Before I play a competitive game
with him, I check in: "Will you be okay if you lose this one? Or
should we play so you win?" I also make sure there are snacks and
drinks.

I've really come to respect this kind of frustration as a child's
struggle for mastery -- including mastery of his or her own
frustration.

Peace,
Amy