Possitive Talk
The Bucknum's
OK I don't know about any of you but I grew up HATING it when people would say "Nice Try!!" "Great Effort!!" and all those things you don't want to hear when you've missed a volley and smashed into the ball face first or missed a spike and lost the game. I really detested any extra effort people made if it in some way put more light on my mistakes or faults. To the point where I have realized that I give my kids almost NO positive re-enforcement at all. Sadly pointed out to me by myself this last weekend.
My Mom calls me a perfectionist with low expectations (from many years spent in school being an amazingly smart student unless it was a test or other markable, stampable, measure of my learning). My grade one teacher told my Mom early in the year that I would never be able to read do to the fact I was not smart. My Mom told her she was an idiot, as I had started talking when I was six months and could do a huge amount of fine motor skill oriented activities. (crotchet, sculpt recognizable and lifelike(ish) creatures, play solitaire and other card games my Grandmother insisted I learn because Grandpa was a poor looser :-P ) In kindergarten (which was a small government run daycare that provided K instruction) I could not only read but write all those K. words that were deemed worthwhile and at a level appropriate to our ages. cat dog horse house man cow ball etc..
"Why could she read last year and not this?" Mom asked the teacher.
"Well she can recognise words but not read them." was the reply.
My mother was totally stumped as to what this woman was talking about. The rest of the conversation doesn't matter, but what does is the fact that I was sitting there listening to this, and all I heard was that my ability to recognize words was not what reading was and that I could not read. (take a second to think about what that 'actually' means I turned SIX in September of that year, large part of my 'Me' died)
So continuing my schooling believing that I was in fact inferior to my peers who were not phonics challenged. It took me until my third year to be able to 'read'. (by this time I had memorized enough words and figured out they wanted me to sound them out slowly) I believed I had no ability, and my perfectionism helped create a little girl who could not try for fear of failing. I've blocked out most my school years but have vivid memories starting when I was 9-12 months old. My only memories from grade one are not pleasant mainly that the kids I was grouped with were seated at the back of the class and were either just learning english or drooling (I feel for children learning english in this environment).
Anyway your asking what does all this have to do with positive talk? Well when you test very high on IQ scores (that's another tale) and are treated as a very nice, pleasant to have in class, but s-l-o-w child it means that you receive a huge amount of demeaning and belittling 'positive re-enforcement'. A HUGE AMOUNT!
I can remember having a student teacher come into class in grade one to practice on us. He was using sight words to teach us the difference between know, now, and no. I can still 'see' those words. Unfortunately I can still feel the cold hard slap in the face when my teacher told him it didn't mean anything that I 'got' what he was teaching.
"She just memorized what you said. She can't read." Was the response. So all the lovely words that had been uttered by this lovely man died and I went back to being a very bright idiot. :-D (And people ask me "WHY" I homeschool?)
I still am unable to hear compliments without wondering what is being re-enforced. Wondering what the angle was, even when I knew they were genuine acknowledgments of something positive about me.
I don't want my kids to have crappy school baggage they will spend the rest of their lives trying to undo. (I'm months from 30 and just grouped all this together in the past few days) Realizing that my kids really like being told they are "doing great", "wonderful job" and "nice try". No one has told them they are less then they are or turned off their ability to hear, and I mean internalize, a compliment or appreciation of the effort they've made (even if they have a bloody nose from a volleyball) They only hear that someone has noticed that they have tried, and success or not, appreciates the effort.
If there are any other people out there whose ears were deadened to compliments. You should try and see if it has affected the way you treat others, especially your kids, or your ability to accept the positive things people say about you. I have yet to meet a person I have been unable to find good in. Why wouldn't I believe that about myself?
Now I think I will be able to smile at the cheery, former So and So, and choose to believe they're glad I'm trying my best. I also don't feel false for uttering a genuine "Good try", "Awesome effort", and "Good stuff Dude!" Hopefully they'll feel the positive feedback and benefit from my late learned lesson.
Teresa up in Canada - Who's s-l-o-w-ly learning how to fall on her face, if not with grace then at least a smile. And maybe a silent "Nice Try Girl!"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My Mom calls me a perfectionist with low expectations (from many years spent in school being an amazingly smart student unless it was a test or other markable, stampable, measure of my learning). My grade one teacher told my Mom early in the year that I would never be able to read do to the fact I was not smart. My Mom told her she was an idiot, as I had started talking when I was six months and could do a huge amount of fine motor skill oriented activities. (crotchet, sculpt recognizable and lifelike(ish) creatures, play solitaire and other card games my Grandmother insisted I learn because Grandpa was a poor looser :-P ) In kindergarten (which was a small government run daycare that provided K instruction) I could not only read but write all those K. words that were deemed worthwhile and at a level appropriate to our ages. cat dog horse house man cow ball etc..
"Why could she read last year and not this?" Mom asked the teacher.
"Well she can recognise words but not read them." was the reply.
My mother was totally stumped as to what this woman was talking about. The rest of the conversation doesn't matter, but what does is the fact that I was sitting there listening to this, and all I heard was that my ability to recognize words was not what reading was and that I could not read. (take a second to think about what that 'actually' means I turned SIX in September of that year, large part of my 'Me' died)
So continuing my schooling believing that I was in fact inferior to my peers who were not phonics challenged. It took me until my third year to be able to 'read'. (by this time I had memorized enough words and figured out they wanted me to sound them out slowly) I believed I had no ability, and my perfectionism helped create a little girl who could not try for fear of failing. I've blocked out most my school years but have vivid memories starting when I was 9-12 months old. My only memories from grade one are not pleasant mainly that the kids I was grouped with were seated at the back of the class and were either just learning english or drooling (I feel for children learning english in this environment).
Anyway your asking what does all this have to do with positive talk? Well when you test very high on IQ scores (that's another tale) and are treated as a very nice, pleasant to have in class, but s-l-o-w child it means that you receive a huge amount of demeaning and belittling 'positive re-enforcement'. A HUGE AMOUNT!
I can remember having a student teacher come into class in grade one to practice on us. He was using sight words to teach us the difference between know, now, and no. I can still 'see' those words. Unfortunately I can still feel the cold hard slap in the face when my teacher told him it didn't mean anything that I 'got' what he was teaching.
"She just memorized what you said. She can't read." Was the response. So all the lovely words that had been uttered by this lovely man died and I went back to being a very bright idiot. :-D (And people ask me "WHY" I homeschool?)
I still am unable to hear compliments without wondering what is being re-enforced. Wondering what the angle was, even when I knew they were genuine acknowledgments of something positive about me.
I don't want my kids to have crappy school baggage they will spend the rest of their lives trying to undo. (I'm months from 30 and just grouped all this together in the past few days) Realizing that my kids really like being told they are "doing great", "wonderful job" and "nice try". No one has told them they are less then they are or turned off their ability to hear, and I mean internalize, a compliment or appreciation of the effort they've made (even if they have a bloody nose from a volleyball) They only hear that someone has noticed that they have tried, and success or not, appreciates the effort.
If there are any other people out there whose ears were deadened to compliments. You should try and see if it has affected the way you treat others, especially your kids, or your ability to accept the positive things people say about you. I have yet to meet a person I have been unable to find good in. Why wouldn't I believe that about myself?
Now I think I will be able to smile at the cheery, former So and So, and choose to believe they're glad I'm trying my best. I also don't feel false for uttering a genuine "Good try", "Awesome effort", and "Good stuff Dude!" Hopefully they'll feel the positive feedback and benefit from my late learned lesson.
Teresa up in Canada - Who's s-l-o-w-ly learning how to fall on her face, if not with grace then at least a smile. And maybe a silent "Nice Try Girl!"
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On Mar 18, 2004, at 8:44 PM, The Bucknum's wrote:
was that I wouldn't try anything unless I was sure I'd be successful. I
hated hated hated being thrown a bone - hated people telling me things
like "Good try," and so on when I knew it wasn't good enough. So when
I was in my 30's I took up bowling - something I was lousy at and
didn't do enough to improve much. It was my therapy for myself once a
week to go spend a couple of hours doing something that I couldn't hope
to be good at and have people constantly saying, "Good try, Pam." <G>
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> Teresa up in Canada - Who's s-l-o-w-ly learning how to fall on herHey Teresa I was a lot like you describe, too and the result with me
> face, if not with grace then at least a smile. And maybe a silent
> "Nice Try Girl!"
>
was that I wouldn't try anything unless I was sure I'd be successful. I
hated hated hated being thrown a bone - hated people telling me things
like "Good try," and so on when I knew it wasn't good enough. So when
I was in my 30's I took up bowling - something I was lousy at and
didn't do enough to improve much. It was my therapy for myself once a
week to go spend a couple of hours doing something that I couldn't hope
to be good at and have people constantly saying, "Good try, Pam." <G>
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.