Have a Nice Day!

What do you do with 2 younger daughters who think they should be in charge of their older brother? They are 12 and almost 9, and he is 15 1/2.

They are *constantly* interfering in my parenting decisions with him...coming to me with what *they* feel should be changed. This is not coming from a place of concern for him, but an unwarranted attitude of superiority ie: (Mom, *I* don't think you should let him have those posters").

Most of what they protest has to do with his personal and individual preferences, tastes, expressions and I feel no need to interfere in those things if he's not hurting anyone else with them. The girls apparently do not agree with me, and if I don't do what they think I should, they go to him and start fussing at him about it which causes constant fighting.

They remind me of other parents I know who think I'm too "permissive" and think kids need to be constantly regulated!!!

I am bewildered as to where this comes from, and its driving me nuts. Is it a girl thing?

Kristen


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[email protected]

Do you treat them differently than you do their brother? I doubt you do, so
they are being raised the same way. Remind them of that. As far as them not
liking the way their brother is, I think that is just a girl/guy thing. At
their age they probably are a lot more into their looks/clothes things than he
is. I say let them bug him, surely he will get fed up with it and tell them to
back off.

My 2 cents,
Laura M.


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Julie Bogart

--- In [email protected], "Have a Nice Day!" <litlrooh@e...>
wrote:
> What do you do with 2 younger daughters who think they should be in charge of their
older brother? They are 12 and almost 9, and he is 15 1/2.
>
> They are *constantly* interfering in my parenting decisions with him...coming to me
with what *they* feel should be changed. This is not coming from a place of concern for
him, but an unwarranted attitude of superiority ie: (Mom, *I* don't think you should let
him have those posters").

Have you always been a home where individual choices were respected without monitoring
or did you change to this posture midway?

We have a similar situation to yours but i can see that it is because for years we did
monitor posters, movies, books, music, etc. As we let go of control of those areas, my
more "rule-bound" kids (boy and girl) were the ones to monitor the other kids in our stead
(as though my husband and I were falling down on the job).

They had absorbed the old mentality and hadn't gone through the philosophical
reevaluation we had as parents so they were still trying to process the new reality through
old understandings and habits.
>
> Most of what they protest has to do with his personal and individual preferences, tastes,
expressions and I feel no need to interfere in those things if he's not hurting anyone else
with them. The girls apparently do not agree with me, and if I don't do what they think I
should, they go to him and start fussing at him about it which causes constant fighting.

Have you asked them what it is that bothers them? That's what I had to do.

Several things emerged.

1) These things are bad and you are the parent. Why don't you tell him what to do any
more?

2) They missed having me tell them what to do! We've had to have lots of discussions
about taking responsibility for personal values and choices and why it's important to allow
people to experiment and discover what they really think or believe without others
dictating to them.
>
> They remind me of other parents I know who think I'm too "permissive" and think kids
need to be constantly regulated!!!
>
> I am bewildered as to where this comes from, and its driving me nuts. Is it a girl thing?

I think it's a "order" versus "chaos" personality thing. :) Those kids who like definition for
their own lives have a harder time with the new reality if they haven't grown up with it and
try to keep it going for others to reassure themselves.

Give it time and dialog.

Julie

[email protected]

In a message dated 3/1/04 3:18:01 PM, litlrooh@... writes:

<< if he's not hurting anyone else with them. The girls apparently do not
agree with me, and if I don't do what they think I should, they go to him and
start fussing at him about it which causes constant fighting. >>

Are they "hurt" (in the being offended or embarrassed way) by his posters or
whatever?

Maybe you could say so to him, but on the other hand you could ask the girls
directly how they think it will be bad for their brother to have/do/be
whatever they're complaining about.

-=-I am bewildered as to where this comes from, and its driving me nuts. Is
it a girl thing?-=-

Might be. Maybe it's a two-on-one thing. <g>

Holly will advise me on what the boys should be doing differently, and
sometimes she's right. Sometimes she's just being critical (one of her best
features, sometimes).

Sometimes the boys (both older than she is) will together tell me that Holly
should be dong something different. Sometimes they're right. Sometimes
they're jealous. But I always listen to them and ask why they think so, and either
I pass the info on to Holly, or tell them to think lovely thoughts and get
over it, or some of both on occasion.

Sandra

Have a Nice Day!

I think it's a "order" versus "chaos" personality thing. :)<<<<

I think you've probably hit the nail on the head here.

I will try all the suggestions of asking them "why?".

But the truth is my 12 year old *does* need to have everything 'just so'.

And my son is just the opposite, hence they are each as free as they are comfortable being, but the 12 year old cannot understand or accept that someone can be the way my son is I suppose, and that I, being both her mother and his, would permit this difference between them, in spite of the fact that it exists naturally.

I'll think more about that.

THanks,
Kristen

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