ameyp_90

Joyce wrote: "You were already pretty full with what your
children needed and yet are adopting another child and that decision
is having detrimental affects -- as in a very pulled to the limit mom
-- on the other children already there."

Actually, we didn't set out to adopt another child. When the
situation with my niece first happened, we really believed that it
would last 2-3 months. As time went by and we learned more, we're
realized that it's probably going to be forever and our family now
thinks of our niece as one of our bio children. I'm not at
liberty to discuss the details of the case, but I think many people
would make the same choice we did, if they knew the entire situation.

Also, we're not adopting our niece. We will probably get legal
(as opposed to permanent) custody. This means that her parents will
still have some residual rights. We would prefer adoption, but
that's
not an easy thing to get—the parents would have to sign away all
of
their rights to her, or be PROVEN to be harmful to her.

Joyce wrote: That's not saying you're a bad mom for adopting. It's
not saying that you should have turned the child down. It's saying
there may be a pattern of looking at more ways you can help when
taking on more means you wont' be able to give the time needed to what
you've already taken on."

This, along with something Sandra wrote (see below), is REALLY
helpful. Thank you both for helping me to realize that I need to take
some time to listen to the thoughts and feelings of my children, as
well as not take on too much.

Sandra wrote: "My point at first and now was that if an oldest
child with or without a diagnosis of some frustration-producing
"disorder" seems frustrated and the mom doesn't have time to soothe
and calm him, the fact of the mom's lack of time IS a factor and
should be considered a factor.

It might be nice if he could just be TOLD to buck up and get over it,
but he's a kid with real kid needs. He could be drugged, but when the
drugs wear off will he be in a smaller family with a happier mom?

When parents decide kids' feelings aren't justified or aren't "okay,"
that's the beginning of the end of their relationship with that
child.)"

Finally, Joyce wrote, "It's suggesting you need to find ways to
make sacrifices to cut back so that you can get the most out of the
energy and time you have."

This was good advice! You're absolutely right on this one. We
were contacted yesterday about a new development involving our niece
and we have drawn a line in the sand in order to protect our
family's
needs and not take too much from our own family.

Thanks also to all of the wonderful subscribers who have given advice
and counsel about ways to find time for myself and conserve energy.
Thanks, also, to the person who told me to stop calling myself a bad
unschooling mother!

Amey