OT: out on a limb
Elizabeth Roberts
I'm going to go out on a limb here, because ya'll have been honest with me and yet, respectful. Also, while "OT" in that it doesn't directly deal with "unschooling" it does because it all affects our lives and unschooling is about life.
I have spent many lonely years in my life, and having "toxic people" in my life isn't something new. I don't seem to be able to meet or "hit it off" with people, despite being honest and friendly. Relating to others doesn't come easy to me...I can't say how often I've said something "not quite right" for the conversation or just really put my foot in my mouth. People say I'm sweet, and "have a heart of gold" yet it seems nobody wants me around unless I'm doing something for them. Other than my husband there are two main people in my life. "Toxic Neighbor" and "Best Friend" but "best friend" isn't really that much better than "toxic neighbor."
I just resigned as a troop leader today from my daughter's Brownie Troop. It hasn't been the best from the start of it, as "best friend" and "other troop leader" seemed to look at me as just being there to fill in rather than as fully a troop leader. For the past year and a half that I've done this, I'm not filled in on decisions regarding the troop, told what's been going on at meetings, or otherwise made to feel a part of things. I'm tired of it. Today was more of the same (too long to get into just what happened but I'd had enough). So I've quit.
I can see that I don't stand up for myself well, and I don't set boundaries. I can see where here shortly I'm going to have to further limit my relationship with "best friend" because of the toxicities with that relationship.
Paul and I were both talking about how our lives were better, our children better, when we just didn't have these people in our lives. I'm trying to steel myself for going back into a lonely life again, because to be alone would be better than these toxic relationships. But it's hard...and it hurts...I'm not trying to whine or anything...just...sigh...I don't know...
But all of this affects my kids, and therefore what they are learning in life.
MamaBeth
Why not?!
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I have spent many lonely years in my life, and having "toxic people" in my life isn't something new. I don't seem to be able to meet or "hit it off" with people, despite being honest and friendly. Relating to others doesn't come easy to me...I can't say how often I've said something "not quite right" for the conversation or just really put my foot in my mouth. People say I'm sweet, and "have a heart of gold" yet it seems nobody wants me around unless I'm doing something for them. Other than my husband there are two main people in my life. "Toxic Neighbor" and "Best Friend" but "best friend" isn't really that much better than "toxic neighbor."
I just resigned as a troop leader today from my daughter's Brownie Troop. It hasn't been the best from the start of it, as "best friend" and "other troop leader" seemed to look at me as just being there to fill in rather than as fully a troop leader. For the past year and a half that I've done this, I'm not filled in on decisions regarding the troop, told what's been going on at meetings, or otherwise made to feel a part of things. I'm tired of it. Today was more of the same (too long to get into just what happened but I'd had enough). So I've quit.
I can see that I don't stand up for myself well, and I don't set boundaries. I can see where here shortly I'm going to have to further limit my relationship with "best friend" because of the toxicities with that relationship.
Paul and I were both talking about how our lives were better, our children better, when we just didn't have these people in our lives. I'm trying to steel myself for going back into a lonely life again, because to be alone would be better than these toxic relationships. But it's hard...and it hurts...I'm not trying to whine or anything...just...sigh...I don't know...
But all of this affects my kids, and therefore what they are learning in life.
MamaBeth
Why not?!
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
J. Stauffer
<<I'm trying to steal myself for going back into lonely>>
Until you are not lonely even when alone, these problems are likely to
continue. Until you are happy spending time with you, why would anyone else
be happy doing it? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but that is the truth as I
know it.
Julie S.
Until you are not lonely even when alone, these problems are likely to
continue. Until you are happy spending time with you, why would anyone else
be happy doing it? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but that is the truth as I
know it.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Elizabeth Roberts" <mamabethuscg@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Saturday, January 10, 2004 7:24 PM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] OT: out on a limb
> I'm going to go out on a limb here, because ya'll have been honest with me
and yet, respectful. Also, while "OT" in that it doesn't directly deal with
"unschooling" it does because it all affects our lives and unschooling is
about life.
>
> I have spent many lonely years in my life, and having "toxic people" in my
life isn't something new. I don't seem to be able to meet or "hit it off"
with people, despite being honest and friendly. Relating to others doesn't
come easy to me...I can't say how often I've said something "not quite
right" for the conversation or just really put my foot in my mouth. People
say I'm sweet, and "have a heart of gold" yet it seems nobody wants me
around unless I'm doing something for them. Other than my husband there are
two main people in my life. "Toxic Neighbor" and "Best Friend" but "best
friend" isn't really that much better than "toxic neighbor."
>
> I just resigned as a troop leader today from my daughter's Brownie Troop.
It hasn't been the best from the start of it, as "best friend" and "other
troop leader" seemed to look at me as just being there to fill in rather
than as fully a troop leader. For the past year and a half that I've done
this, I'm not filled in on decisions regarding the troop, told what's been
going on at meetings, or otherwise made to feel a part of things. I'm tired
of it. Today was more of the same (too long to get into just what happened
but I'd had enough). So I've quit.
>
> I can see that I don't stand up for myself well, and I don't set
boundaries. I can see where here shortly I'm going to have to further limit
my relationship with "best friend" because of the toxicities with that
relationship.
>
> Paul and I were both talking about how our lives were better, our children
better, when we just didn't have these people in our lives. I'm trying to
steel myself for going back into a lonely life again, because to be alone
would be better than these toxic relationships. But it's hard...and it
hurts...I'm not trying to whine or anything...just...sigh...I don't know...
>
> But all of this affects my kids, and therefore what they are learning in
life.
>
> MamaBeth
>
>
> Why not?!
>
> ---------------------------------
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> Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
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> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
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melissa4123
--- In [email protected], "J. Stauffer"
<jnjstau@g...> wrote:
<<Until you are not lonely even when alone, these problems are
likely to continue. Until you are happy spending time with you, why
would anyone else be happy doing it? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but
that is the truth as I know it.
Julie S.>>
I had to add my opinion on this one as I have been through this as
well. I lived with a man for 4 years who emotionally and sometimes
physically abused me. I was quite young but had a great job and
wonderful friends and family who encouraged me to leave all the
time. In the work place, I was confidante and outgoing. However,
inside I hated myself and was petrified of being "alone." I thought
that anything was better than being alone. One day, I woke up and
knew that I had to leave or completely lose myself forever. I left
that night and lived with friends and family for 6 months while I
got back on my feet and learned to love myself again.
Now, I'm married to a wonderful man and have a beautiful daughter.
I love being alone and having time to myself. As a matter of fact,
if I don't get my hour a day, I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It
took a long time and some deep soul searching to find out why I
hated myself and to "fix" it but, I did it has made an unbelievable
difference in my life. I know that it's been said a hundred times
and sometimes you forget to really listen but....you HAVE to love
yourself before others can love you.
Melissa
PS. It's a good thing that I enjoy being with myself (and my
daughter) because we have recently moved to NV (where we know NO ONE
and my husband works 6 days a week 12 hours a day)! Boy would I be
in trouble if I didn't enjoy my own company. :-)
<jnjstau@g...> wrote:
<<Until you are not lonely even when alone, these problems are
likely to continue. Until you are happy spending time with you, why
would anyone else be happy doing it? Sorry if it sounds harsh, but
that is the truth as I know it.
Julie S.>>
I had to add my opinion on this one as I have been through this as
well. I lived with a man for 4 years who emotionally and sometimes
physically abused me. I was quite young but had a great job and
wonderful friends and family who encouraged me to leave all the
time. In the work place, I was confidante and outgoing. However,
inside I hated myself and was petrified of being "alone." I thought
that anything was better than being alone. One day, I woke up and
knew that I had to leave or completely lose myself forever. I left
that night and lived with friends and family for 6 months while I
got back on my feet and learned to love myself again.
Now, I'm married to a wonderful man and have a beautiful daughter.
I love being alone and having time to myself. As a matter of fact,
if I don't get my hour a day, I feel stressed and overwhelmed. It
took a long time and some deep soul searching to find out why I
hated myself and to "fix" it but, I did it has made an unbelievable
difference in my life. I know that it's been said a hundred times
and sometimes you forget to really listen but....you HAVE to love
yourself before others can love you.
Melissa
PS. It's a good thing that I enjoy being with myself (and my
daughter) because we have recently moved to NV (where we know NO ONE
and my husband works 6 days a week 12 hours a day)! Boy would I be
in trouble if I didn't enjoy my own company. :-)
Dawn Adams
Elisabeth writes:
Dawn (in NS)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>I have spent many lonely years in my life, and having "toxic people" in my life isn't >something new. I don't seem to be able to meet or "hit it off" with people, despite being >honest and friendly.I know what you mean MamaBeth. It used to be like that for me until I realized that you get relationships with people who want what you're offering. Toxic people want friends who offer themselves on a platter. There have been a few posts saying this but here we go again. Say no to the toxic ones and they'll disappear. Work on liking yourself, doing things for yourself and you'll find that people who are interested in true friendship rather then a lackey will start to become part of your life. It's slow I found, but it works!
Dawn (in NS)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wife2Vegman
--- Dawn Adams <Wishbone@...> wrote:
their only friend, as soon as you stand up for
yourself and your children, the toxic friend will find
someone else to glomb onto. She has plenty of other
targets, and really it is no disappointment to her to
switch.
She might talk about you behind your back about how
mean you were or make up other lies about you (I know
of one person told several of my friends that I had
dumped her because she wouldn't convert to
Christianity!!), and even if some of those people
believe her for a little while, as soon as she shows
her true colors to them, they will understand. Those
same people came back to me a year and a half later
and said that they realized they had been wrong to
believe her and should have known I wouldn't do that
since I had never done it to any of them.
It is kind of like having a poisonous snake around,
they may be beautiful to look at, but cross them and
their venom is deadly.
like-minded individuals who will become your closest
friends. Don't seek out friends just to have them. I
have 3 friends I can think of who are my closest
friends, then an outer ring of friends and relatives
who are not as close but still part of our lives, and
then a ring of acquaintences.
Let them start in the outer ring, and let time draw
them into the inner circle. The ones who want to jump
right to being your best buddy and your closest
neighbor the first or second time you meet them are
the ones that are toxic and should stay in the further
most places of your life :-)
=====
--Susan in VA
WifetoVegman
What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all. John Holt
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>It's so true...even if they tell you that you are
> I know what you mean MamaBeth. It used to be like
> that for me until I realized that you get
> relationships with people who want what you're
> offering. Toxic people want friends who offer
> themselves on a platter. There have been a few posts
> saying this but here we go again. Say no to the
> toxic ones and they'll disappear.
their only friend, as soon as you stand up for
yourself and your children, the toxic friend will find
someone else to glomb onto. She has plenty of other
targets, and really it is no disappointment to her to
switch.
She might talk about you behind your back about how
mean you were or make up other lies about you (I know
of one person told several of my friends that I had
dumped her because she wouldn't convert to
Christianity!!), and even if some of those people
believe her for a little while, as soon as she shows
her true colors to them, they will understand. Those
same people came back to me a year and a half later
and said that they realized they had been wrong to
believe her and should have known I wouldn't do that
since I had never done it to any of them.
It is kind of like having a poisonous snake around,
they may be beautiful to look at, but cross them and
their venom is deadly.
> Work on likingIt's true! Do the things you enjoy, and you will meet
> yourself, doing things for yourself and you'll find
> that people who are interested in true friendship
> rather then a lackey will start to become part of
> your life. It's slow I found, but it works!
>
like-minded individuals who will become your closest
friends. Don't seek out friends just to have them. I
have 3 friends I can think of who are my closest
friends, then an outer ring of friends and relatives
who are not as close but still part of our lives, and
then a ring of acquaintences.
Let them start in the outer ring, and let time draw
them into the inner circle. The ones who want to jump
right to being your best buddy and your closest
neighbor the first or second time you meet them are
the ones that are toxic and should stay in the further
most places of your life :-)
=====
--Susan in VA
WifetoVegman
What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all. John Holt
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Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
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Sheree
Looks like you are setting your boundaries here. At first it may
not feel good when you set your boundaries, but after a while you
will begin to feel more comfortable with it. You deserve to set
your own boundaries and not have others led you around as they see
fit. Also, by homeschooling, you are again setting boundaries (by
not allowing the ps system control you and yours).
It may help to try to think of boundary-setting as a 'process'
instead of an 'event.' It might take time to feel safe in a
behavior that is sort of new to you. After a while and with plenty
of practice, you will likely feel very good about it.
Your children will learn self respect and the value of reflection
(an alone-time behavior). Being alone, being quiet, or being still
can be very therapeutic for busy moms.
jmho,sheree
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
friend" and "other troop leader" seemed to look at me as just being
there to fill in rather than as fully a troop leader. For the past
year and a half that I've done this, I'm not filled in on decisions
regarding the troop, told what's been going on at meetings, or
otherwise made to feel a part of things. I'm tired of it. Today was
more of the same (too long to get into just what happened but I'd
had enough). So I've quit. >
not feel good when you set your boundaries, but after a while you
will begin to feel more comfortable with it. You deserve to set
your own boundaries and not have others led you around as they see
fit. Also, by homeschooling, you are again setting boundaries (by
not allowing the ps system control you and yours).
It may help to try to think of boundary-setting as a 'process'
instead of an 'event.' It might take time to feel safe in a
behavior that is sort of new to you. After a while and with plenty
of practice, you will likely feel very good about it.
Your children will learn self respect and the value of reflection
(an alone-time behavior). Being alone, being quiet, or being still
can be very therapeutic for busy moms.
jmho,sheree
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
> I just resigned as a troop leader today from my daughter's BrownieTroop. It hasn't been the best from the start of it, as "best
friend" and "other troop leader" seemed to look at me as just being
there to fill in rather than as fully a troop leader. For the past
year and a half that I've done this, I'm not filled in on decisions
regarding the troop, told what's been going on at meetings, or
otherwise made to feel a part of things. I'm tired of it. Today was
more of the same (too long to get into just what happened but I'd
had enough). So I've quit. >
> MamaBeth
Elizabeth Roberts
One thing that happened yesterday, showed me that while I'm still learning, Sarah's doing well with this. At the Brownie meeting, we were making signs for selling cookies. We had a bunch of ribbon, and the girls ended up cutting lengths and putting them in their hair by about halfway through the meeting. Sarah wanted some too, so I put some in after brushing her hair up into a ponytail.
Sarah has NEVER liked having anything on her head, or hairbows, and only once in awhile will tolerate having her hair up. She was a forceps birth, and it left her with a dislocated jaw and nearly poked her eye out. She would wiggle and wiggle to get out of the little hats they put on newborns in the hospital. Put one on her, and within 10 minutes she'd have it off her head.
Just before the meeting ended, Sarah came to me and asked me to take hers out. I jokingly said "Don't you want to do what everyone else is doing?" and she said said "No, I'm special in my own way and I don't like having things in my hair or my hair up." I said "I'm proud of you for not going along with everyone when you don't really want to!" and I took them out of her hair.
MamaBeth
Why not?!
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Sarah has NEVER liked having anything on her head, or hairbows, and only once in awhile will tolerate having her hair up. She was a forceps birth, and it left her with a dislocated jaw and nearly poked her eye out. She would wiggle and wiggle to get out of the little hats they put on newborns in the hospital. Put one on her, and within 10 minutes she'd have it off her head.
Just before the meeting ended, Sarah came to me and asked me to take hers out. I jokingly said "Don't you want to do what everyone else is doing?" and she said said "No, I'm special in my own way and I don't like having things in my hair or my hair up." I said "I'm proud of you for not going along with everyone when you don't really want to!" and I took them out of her hair.
MamaBeth
Why not?!
---------------------------------
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