dealing with kid-disagreements without punishment
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/9/04 6:42:48 PM, krisulam@... writes:
<< I have taken to telling her that I just don't want to be around
teasing (or yelling or whatever) and would she please go somewhere else. >>
<<"Hey! You guys are way too loud
you may talk more nicely to your brother or you may go to your room." >>
I would like to ask you to think again about that "you may..." construction.
It reminds me of a nurse asking "how are we this morning?" when it's obvious
that she's fine.
If you word it that way, it says that whatever the child does is done only
with your permission. And they have only two choices. But honestly, they
"MAY" haul out a machine gun and have the whole thing over with. They MAY run
away.
I'm not above and beyond sending someone away if they're really being
irritating, but it's never my finest moments, and if you say "Let us have this room
if you're going to keep being that way," it means "be anywhere but right here
for now, please."
But if you say "Here or in your own room," that seems to be punishment of the
banishment sort. "Go to your room" is like sending a dog to the crate for
being bad.
For me, the best thing when I can manage it is to go out, and then call out
the offending kid, ask him (I'm picturing Marty; why would that be!? <bwg>) to
help me do something that honestly needs doing (so that I drew him toward
something instead of sending him away from something) and while we're closing the
gate or gathering wood or feeding the dog or moving the hose or whatever it
is, I can say "Are you hungry?" or "Is Brett coming by later?" or just
something to feel out his mood, and try to see what his problem is without saying,
"Marty, what is your problem?"
And often just getting some one-on-one mom attention is all the kid needed
anyway.
Sandra
<< I have taken to telling her that I just don't want to be around
teasing (or yelling or whatever) and would she please go somewhere else. >>
<<"Hey! You guys are way too loud
you may talk more nicely to your brother or you may go to your room." >>
I would like to ask you to think again about that "you may..." construction.
It reminds me of a nurse asking "how are we this morning?" when it's obvious
that she's fine.
If you word it that way, it says that whatever the child does is done only
with your permission. And they have only two choices. But honestly, they
"MAY" haul out a machine gun and have the whole thing over with. They MAY run
away.
I'm not above and beyond sending someone away if they're really being
irritating, but it's never my finest moments, and if you say "Let us have this room
if you're going to keep being that way," it means "be anywhere but right here
for now, please."
But if you say "Here or in your own room," that seems to be punishment of the
banishment sort. "Go to your room" is like sending a dog to the crate for
being bad.
For me, the best thing when I can manage it is to go out, and then call out
the offending kid, ask him (I'm picturing Marty; why would that be!? <bwg>) to
help me do something that honestly needs doing (so that I drew him toward
something instead of sending him away from something) and while we're closing the
gate or gathering wood or feeding the dog or moving the hose or whatever it
is, I can say "Are you hungry?" or "Is Brett coming by later?" or just
something to feel out his mood, and try to see what his problem is without saying,
"Marty, what is your problem?"
And often just getting some one-on-one mom attention is all the kid needed
anyway.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/9/2004 8:45:58 PM Central Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> But if you say "Here or in your own room," that seems to be punishment ofThis is an excellent idea!
> the
> banishment sort. "Go to your room" is like sending a dog to the crate for
> being bad.
>
> For me, the best thing when I can manage it is to go out, and then call out
> the offending kid, ask him (I'm picturing Marty; why would that be!? <bwg>)
> to
> help me do something that honestly needs doing (so that I drew him toward
> something instead of sending him away from something) and while we're
> closing the
> gate or gathering wood or feeding the dog or moving the hose or whatever it
> is, I can say "Are you hungry?" or "Is Brett coming by later?" or just
> something to feel out his mood, and try to see what his problem is without
> saying,
> "Marty, what is your problem?"
>
>
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
joylyn
SandraDodd@... wrote:
need. Now, two years later, we've discovered a pattern to her jumping.
She jumps the fence (a 6 foot fence easy) when I haven't been paying
enough attention to her. She doesn't jump on weekends, when I'm home.
She doesn't jump when it's cold out, or raining.
I notice a similar trend with the girls. When we get too busy (as we
did with Mark's recent accident) we seemed to be having more break downs
(although the girls didn't jump the fence). Just making the time a few
times a day to cuddle and read and talk seems to make things easier for
everyone.
joylyn
>We have a dog who is a rescue collie cross. She is a jumper, very high
>
> And often just getting some one-on-one mom attention is all the kid
> needed
> anyway.
>
> Sandr
need. Now, two years later, we've discovered a pattern to her jumping.
She jumps the fence (a 6 foot fence easy) when I haven't been paying
enough attention to her. She doesn't jump on weekends, when I'm home.
She doesn't jump when it's cold out, or raining.
I notice a similar trend with the girls. When we get too busy (as we
did with Mark's recent accident) we seemed to be having more break downs
(although the girls didn't jump the fence). Just making the time a few
times a day to cuddle and read and talk seems to make things easier for
everyone.
joylyn
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/9/2004 11:21:07 PM Eastern Standard Time,
joylyn@... writes:
(although the girls didn't jump the fence). Just making the time a few
times a day to cuddle and read and talk seems to make things easier for
everyone. <<
*************************************************
And I've noticed, most of the time, that if I'm in a good mood, or if I can
even fake it (push myself out of a slump) the kids get along much better. When
I'm grouchy, tired, worn out, or sick, all hell breaks loose and they argue
much more (7 in the house). I believe naps for me is one of the single most
important things I can do! So even if I'm feeling like sludge, if I can speak
in a sweet, kind voice to them, listen when they have something to say
(although my head may be throbbing), they will generally get along better and treat
each other the same way. It's really amazing.
And if things really get bad, finding something different to do, something
they haven't done in a while, like baking or painting or pulling out toys and
games they've forgotten about, changes their attitudes easily with no ranting or
lectures.
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
joylyn@... writes:
>>I notice a similar trend with the girls. When we get too busy (as wedid with Mark's recent accident) we seemed to be having more break downs
(although the girls didn't jump the fence). Just making the time a few
times a day to cuddle and read and talk seems to make things easier for
everyone. <<
*************************************************
And I've noticed, most of the time, that if I'm in a good mood, or if I can
even fake it (push myself out of a slump) the kids get along much better. When
I'm grouchy, tired, worn out, or sick, all hell breaks loose and they argue
much more (7 in the house). I believe naps for me is one of the single most
important things I can do! So even if I'm feeling like sludge, if I can speak
in a sweet, kind voice to them, listen when they have something to say
(although my head may be throbbing), they will generally get along better and treat
each other the same way. It's really amazing.
And if things really get bad, finding something different to do, something
they haven't done in a while, like baking or painting or pulling out toys and
games they've forgotten about, changes their attitudes easily with no ranting or
lectures.
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/9/2004 10:47:17 PM Eastern Standard Time,
BonKnit@... writes:
Our 10 y/o boy has a problem sometimes at stores, touching everything, being
rambunctious, etc. The other day we went and before we LEFT and when we first
got there he was acting this way, so I knew he needed to stay with me at the
store instead of going off with older siblings (sometimes they need a break
from him anyhow.)
He got angry, crossed his arms, wouldn't stay with me,... I told him,
"Michael, you seem really grouchy about this. I can see you're p.o.'d but you have
to stay with me this time. You can be miserable if you want, or you can come
along and shop with me and have a fun time. I'm having a fun time either way."
Then I went about shopping, and began asking him to get this for me, or push
the cart, or look and see if he can find this or that (while I was waiting
for a prescription to be filled.) Pulling him aside and then distracting him
from the whole situation and DROPPING IT almost always works well with him. The
dropping it is the most important cause he tends to beat himself up when he
makes mistakes.
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
BonKnit@... writes:
>>(so that I drew him toward***************************************************************
> something instead of sending him away from something) and while we're
> closing the
> gate or gathering wood or feeding the dog or moving the hose or whatever it
> is, I can say "Are you hungry?" or "Is Brett coming by later?" or just
> something to feel out his mood, and try to see what his problem is without
> saying,
> "Marty, what is your problem?" <<
Our 10 y/o boy has a problem sometimes at stores, touching everything, being
rambunctious, etc. The other day we went and before we LEFT and when we first
got there he was acting this way, so I knew he needed to stay with me at the
store instead of going off with older siblings (sometimes they need a break
from him anyhow.)
He got angry, crossed his arms, wouldn't stay with me,... I told him,
"Michael, you seem really grouchy about this. I can see you're p.o.'d but you have
to stay with me this time. You can be miserable if you want, or you can come
along and shop with me and have a fun time. I'm having a fun time either way."
Then I went about shopping, and began asking him to get this for me, or push
the cart, or look and see if he can find this or that (while I was waiting
for a prescription to be filled.) Pulling him aside and then distracting him
from the whole situation and DROPPING IT almost always works well with him. The
dropping it is the most important cause he tends to beat himself up when he
makes mistakes.
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/10/04 10:20:38 AM, CelticFrau@... writes:
<< The other day we went and before we LEFT and when we first
got there he was acting this way, so I knew he needed to stay with me at the
store instead of going off with older siblings (sometimes they need a break
from him anyhow.) >>
It's Marty. When I think of any of these examples, Marty's face pops in.
Marty's four year old face pops in now. I used to say "Marty, do you need to
hold my hand?"
I didn't say it in a mean or threatening way, just in a "Would it be better
for everyone if you and I partnered up and held hands through these next few
minutes?"
It would be enough choice and reminder for him to concentrate on acting like
a kid who does NOT need to hold his mom's hand.
But I'd ask it nicely, like you'd ask someone "Do you need a hug?"
Sandra
<< The other day we went and before we LEFT and when we first
got there he was acting this way, so I knew he needed to stay with me at the
store instead of going off with older siblings (sometimes they need a break
from him anyhow.) >>
It's Marty. When I think of any of these examples, Marty's face pops in.
Marty's four year old face pops in now. I used to say "Marty, do you need to
hold my hand?"
I didn't say it in a mean or threatening way, just in a "Would it be better
for everyone if you and I partnered up and held hands through these next few
minutes?"
It would be enough choice and reminder for him to concentrate on acting like
a kid who does NOT need to hold his mom's hand.
But I'd ask it nicely, like you'd ask someone "Do you need a hug?"
Sandra