having a really bad day...ready to throw in the towel
Elizabeth Roberts
If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use some encouraging!!
Things have been bad since last night. My neighbor had a blind date. The guy said he'd pay for a taxi there and back. She asked me if I could take her out there to save him the money. So I did. Which made us late for church (neighbor's daughter routinely comes with us).
She'd asked how late she could call me for a ride home after the date. I asked her to call me by 2300, because normally the kids were settling in for the night by then. At 2130 she called. I said we'd be on our way in half an hour, since the kids had JUST poured bowls of cereal to eat as they'd not eaten much at the fellowship dinner before church.
We had just left to go get her at 2200 when she called and said don't worry about it, she'd gotten a ride home.
I THOUGHT she was on her way. By midnight, the kids were finally asleep. At 0045 she FINALLY calls to say she's home, but since it's freezing cold out she'll come get her daughter in the morning.
I told her I'd leave the back door unlocked so she could just come on in, we'd still be sleeping at the time she'd need to come get her daughter so she could get ready to catch the school bus.
Sometime just after 0700, I become aware that the phone is ringing. I don't get to it in time, so I just bring it into my room with me. At 0800 it rings again. My neighbor. Upset because I didn't bring her child home and the bus was due shortly. I said come on over and get her, everyone's still asleep. She said she'd miss the bus, I said so let her stay home (she lets her child stay home for no reason at all most of the time anyway!) and she says "My child isn't like your kids, she HAS to go to school and whenever she's late or anything they look at ME like there's something wrong with me for not getting her to school." I said, Fine. Bring her clothes over, watch my children (who are all SLEEPING) and I'll drive her to school. She says "No, just wake her up and have her run home, she has to catch the bus."
I'm not the one staying up til one am yet it's MY fault her child might miss the bus?! I drive her halfway across Cape Cod for this date and she can't watch my children for ten minutes so I can take HER daughter to school?!
ARGGG!!! So that's just this morning. I get up, get the house all picked up for the social worker's visit that was scheduled for noon. I'm not dressed yet. She arrives at 1130. More pressure to put Logan in Head Start, and she'll look into part-time daycare for Megan so I can get a break and what about that parent-aide coming in?
She leaves, we have lunch, and I head to the bathroom with diahrrea. I come out to find Sarah sitting on the table with the baby, Megan at the bottom of the basement stairs crying, and Logan using the last of my dishsoap after pouring out half the bottle so he can "wash the dishes" for me from lunch.
I go into the living room and find that the box of math manipulatives has been dumped out and the pieces thrown around the room.
I'm about ready to throw in the dang towel! I'm exhausted and I WANT A SHOWER! By the time I knew my neighbor wasn't going to be here I'd already fallen asleep on the recliner while waiting for her. Megan was already awake this morning when I got up so no chance for a shower.
The only child who naps is Gracie, so no chance for a nap there...
GRR the neighbor just came in..gotta go...
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Things have been bad since last night. My neighbor had a blind date. The guy said he'd pay for a taxi there and back. She asked me if I could take her out there to save him the money. So I did. Which made us late for church (neighbor's daughter routinely comes with us).
She'd asked how late she could call me for a ride home after the date. I asked her to call me by 2300, because normally the kids were settling in for the night by then. At 2130 she called. I said we'd be on our way in half an hour, since the kids had JUST poured bowls of cereal to eat as they'd not eaten much at the fellowship dinner before church.
We had just left to go get her at 2200 when she called and said don't worry about it, she'd gotten a ride home.
I THOUGHT she was on her way. By midnight, the kids were finally asleep. At 0045 she FINALLY calls to say she's home, but since it's freezing cold out she'll come get her daughter in the morning.
I told her I'd leave the back door unlocked so she could just come on in, we'd still be sleeping at the time she'd need to come get her daughter so she could get ready to catch the school bus.
Sometime just after 0700, I become aware that the phone is ringing. I don't get to it in time, so I just bring it into my room with me. At 0800 it rings again. My neighbor. Upset because I didn't bring her child home and the bus was due shortly. I said come on over and get her, everyone's still asleep. She said she'd miss the bus, I said so let her stay home (she lets her child stay home for no reason at all most of the time anyway!) and she says "My child isn't like your kids, she HAS to go to school and whenever she's late or anything they look at ME like there's something wrong with me for not getting her to school." I said, Fine. Bring her clothes over, watch my children (who are all SLEEPING) and I'll drive her to school. She says "No, just wake her up and have her run home, she has to catch the bus."
I'm not the one staying up til one am yet it's MY fault her child might miss the bus?! I drive her halfway across Cape Cod for this date and she can't watch my children for ten minutes so I can take HER daughter to school?!
ARGGG!!! So that's just this morning. I get up, get the house all picked up for the social worker's visit that was scheduled for noon. I'm not dressed yet. She arrives at 1130. More pressure to put Logan in Head Start, and she'll look into part-time daycare for Megan so I can get a break and what about that parent-aide coming in?
She leaves, we have lunch, and I head to the bathroom with diahrrea. I come out to find Sarah sitting on the table with the baby, Megan at the bottom of the basement stairs crying, and Logan using the last of my dishsoap after pouring out half the bottle so he can "wash the dishes" for me from lunch.
I go into the living room and find that the box of math manipulatives has been dumped out and the pieces thrown around the room.
I'm about ready to throw in the dang towel! I'm exhausted and I WANT A SHOWER! By the time I knew my neighbor wasn't going to be here I'd already fallen asleep on the recliner while waiting for her. Megan was already awake this morning when I got up so no chance for a shower.
The only child who naps is Gracie, so no chance for a nap there...
GRR the neighbor just came in..gotta go...
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Olga
Just take a deep breath. I certainly have days where I feel like a
horrible mother. I work out of the house and have to plain ignore
the kids sometimes to get anything done. I am learning how to
balance things everyday. It is normal to feel lousy somedays,
especially if you are sick!!
I am getting the impression you are a person who has trouble saying
no. That can be a big problem, for you. Saying no preserves your
family life. This neighbor is far less important than your
children. Think that the next time she visits or asks a favor.
Read a book with the kids instead and you will feel alot better!!!!!
Also, I have read many of your posts. What I hear is a very
dedicated mother to a whole house of kids. Smile, you are doing a
wonderful job!
Why do you have a social worker visit? Can you get rid of her
somehow??
Olga :)
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
horrible mother. I work out of the house and have to plain ignore
the kids sometimes to get anything done. I am learning how to
balance things everyday. It is normal to feel lousy somedays,
especially if you are sick!!
I am getting the impression you are a person who has trouble saying
no. That can be a big problem, for you. Saying no preserves your
family life. This neighbor is far less important than your
children. Think that the next time she visits or asks a favor.
Read a book with the kids instead and you will feel alot better!!!!!
Also, I have read many of your posts. What I hear is a very
dedicated mother to a whole house of kids. Smile, you are doing a
wonderful job!
Why do you have a social worker visit? Can you get rid of her
somehow??
Olga :)
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
> If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use someencouraging!!
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Elizabeth Roberts
Olga,
The social worker comes by because last summer, while pregnant with Gracie, my son Logan took to sneaking out of the house (which was easy because there was a broken lock on one of the screen doors - one that we'd requested to be repaired by military housing a month prior to this! We didn't have air conditioning until the beginning of August). He'd snuck out once following my oldest child to a friend's house. She turned around and saw him as went around the corner, and she brought him home. My neighbor saw it. Logan knew that if Mommy was on the potty, he could sneak out and have a couple minutes before I'd come get him because I'd be "stuck" until I could finish my business. A couple times, he'd also let Megan (2) out with him.
I didn't like taking them out during the heat of the day, we'd go out in the morning or late afternoon. But typical boy, he wanted to live outside. He's only three, so he can't be outside "unsupervised." (we weren't unschoolers then by the way).
My next door neighbor and I don't get along, and she called DSS. Because I'd left the kids in the car once while I ran into the commissary (literally only in there for three minutes, timed myself on my watch) DSS considers me to have a "history" of "neglect." There was also a call by the school system for "educational and mental health neglect" from when Sarah was in Kindergarten. Long story short, she was on medication for ADHD. We wanted her off of it, the school said neglect if we took her off without her psych's permission. They also insisted that she also had OCD, ODD, and Asperger's. They wanted her tested but we said no. These conditions only manifested while she was on the medications. She couldn't eat and couldn't sleep, and was becoming very aggressive. When we refused the testing and took her off the medications anyway, they called DSS. DSS backed them up. The school year ended during the assessment period, we immediately filed to homeschool the following year. But DSS
insisted that we have the testing done, and continue her IEP with the school for her speech therapy unless/until we find another source.
SO that in a nutshell is why I have a social worker coming by once a month. Probably for the next 15 months until our next transfer, although possibly they'll close it out in another couple months. It will depend on this worker. SIGH....!
MamaBeth
Olga <mccluskieo@...> wrote:
Just take a deep breath. I certainly have days where I feel like a
horrible mother. I work out of the house and have to plain ignore
the kids sometimes to get anything done. I am learning how to
balance things everyday. It is normal to feel lousy somedays,
especially if you are sick!!
I am getting the impression you are a person who has trouble saying
no. That can be a big problem, for you. Saying no preserves your
family life. This neighbor is far less important than your
children. Think that the next time she visits or asks a favor.
Read a book with the kids instead and you will feel alot better!!!!!
Also, I have read many of your posts. What I hear is a very
dedicated mother to a whole house of kids. Smile, you are doing a
wonderful job!
Why do you have a social worker visit? Can you get rid of her
somehow??
Olga :)
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The social worker comes by because last summer, while pregnant with Gracie, my son Logan took to sneaking out of the house (which was easy because there was a broken lock on one of the screen doors - one that we'd requested to be repaired by military housing a month prior to this! We didn't have air conditioning until the beginning of August). He'd snuck out once following my oldest child to a friend's house. She turned around and saw him as went around the corner, and she brought him home. My neighbor saw it. Logan knew that if Mommy was on the potty, he could sneak out and have a couple minutes before I'd come get him because I'd be "stuck" until I could finish my business. A couple times, he'd also let Megan (2) out with him.
I didn't like taking them out during the heat of the day, we'd go out in the morning or late afternoon. But typical boy, he wanted to live outside. He's only three, so he can't be outside "unsupervised." (we weren't unschoolers then by the way).
My next door neighbor and I don't get along, and she called DSS. Because I'd left the kids in the car once while I ran into the commissary (literally only in there for three minutes, timed myself on my watch) DSS considers me to have a "history" of "neglect." There was also a call by the school system for "educational and mental health neglect" from when Sarah was in Kindergarten. Long story short, she was on medication for ADHD. We wanted her off of it, the school said neglect if we took her off without her psych's permission. They also insisted that she also had OCD, ODD, and Asperger's. They wanted her tested but we said no. These conditions only manifested while she was on the medications. She couldn't eat and couldn't sleep, and was becoming very aggressive. When we refused the testing and took her off the medications anyway, they called DSS. DSS backed them up. The school year ended during the assessment period, we immediately filed to homeschool the following year. But DSS
insisted that we have the testing done, and continue her IEP with the school for her speech therapy unless/until we find another source.
SO that in a nutshell is why I have a social worker coming by once a month. Probably for the next 15 months until our next transfer, although possibly they'll close it out in another couple months. It will depend on this worker. SIGH....!
MamaBeth
Olga <mccluskieo@...> wrote:
Just take a deep breath. I certainly have days where I feel like a
horrible mother. I work out of the house and have to plain ignore
the kids sometimes to get anything done. I am learning how to
balance things everyday. It is normal to feel lousy somedays,
especially if you are sick!!
I am getting the impression you are a person who has trouble saying
no. That can be a big problem, for you. Saying no preserves your
family life. This neighbor is far less important than your
children. Think that the next time she visits or asks a favor.
Read a book with the kids instead and you will feel alot better!!!!!
Also, I have read many of your posts. What I hear is a very
dedicated mother to a whole house of kids. Smile, you are doing a
wonderful job!
Why do you have a social worker visit? Can you get rid of her
somehow??
Olga :)
--- In [email protected], Elizabeth Roberts
<mamabethuscg@y...> wrote:
> If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use someencouraging!!
>"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
Yahoo! Groups SponsorADVERTISEMENT
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
On Jan 8, 2004, at 10:40 AM, Elizabeth Roberts wrote:
full - nobody should be asking you to go out at night or get up early
in the morning. You can't really be there for your kids - not fully
"be" there for them - if you're tired and grumpy and need a shower and
all that. You're shortchanging your own kids to help an adult person
who doesn't even appreciate it (because people that would impose on
someone like you NEVER appreciate what you do for them). I'm not sure
how old you are - I hate to admit how old I was before I learned to say
no and choose to help people only when I'm doing it from a gracious
generous place in my heart and NEVER when I'm feeling resentful. I
still do plenty of generous helpful things, I think anyway <G>. But I
simply never ever do them when I'm resenting it. That leaves me doing
the things I feel good about doing - and those are the things that are
REALLY helpful.
Hope this is helpful - I'm serious about thinking about what you owe
your OWN children - not a grumpy resentful needs-a-shower mommy!!! This
is something all homeschooling parents have to think about - that their
own state of mind impacts their children a lot more than those parents
whose kids go off to school. Unschooling parents have to be even more
"with it" since we can't just hand our kids their worksheets and tell
them to get to work.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
> If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use some encouraging!!I encourage you to learn to say "No," Elizabeth. You have your hands
>
full - nobody should be asking you to go out at night or get up early
in the morning. You can't really be there for your kids - not fully
"be" there for them - if you're tired and grumpy and need a shower and
all that. You're shortchanging your own kids to help an adult person
who doesn't even appreciate it (because people that would impose on
someone like you NEVER appreciate what you do for them). I'm not sure
how old you are - I hate to admit how old I was before I learned to say
no and choose to help people only when I'm doing it from a gracious
generous place in my heart and NEVER when I'm feeling resentful. I
still do plenty of generous helpful things, I think anyway <G>. But I
simply never ever do them when I'm resenting it. That leaves me doing
the things I feel good about doing - and those are the things that are
REALLY helpful.
Hope this is helpful - I'm serious about thinking about what you owe
your OWN children - not a grumpy resentful needs-a-shower mommy!!! This
is something all homeschooling parents have to think about - that their
own state of mind impacts their children a lot more than those parents
whose kids go off to school. Unschooling parents have to be even more
"with it" since we can't just hand our kids their worksheets and tell
them to get to work.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
Elizabeth Roberts
Pam,
I'm 28...this is the first time in my life I've ever run into someone like this person, and yes, it has left me totally drained and grumpy and resentful. Paul and I have been talking and tomorrow he is going to tell her that that latest either of us will take her anywhere is going to be 8 pm with at least half an hour's notice (quite often things have been last minute). He's been feeling the same about the whole situation. 2300 for her to come and pick up her child if she's gone out, and going out means her date provides her ride. No more of the 0100 (or later!!). We will watch her child because we want that child to be safe, but that's it.
SIGH....yes, I've let this person interfere with how things should be with my kids. In that regard, I suppose you could say that I have been a failure as a mom. :-(
And no, we're not getting ANYTHING in return from her other than that she did allow us to dry clothes at her place, which we did our best to not do more than a couple loads a week at her place. When I've REALLY needed help, she'd say no, especially if it meant watching any of my children. She did that once for an hour and decided my kids were "undisciplined brats."
This lady is bringing out the worst in me, and I don't like it. I did tell her no earlier today, when she wanted to just run up to the corner store (about a mile and a half and a couple corners away really...so I'm saying corner meaning the main corner of that end of town) for cigarettes. I sold her one of Paul's packs instead. It's easier than having to get all four children bundled up and into a van that doesn't heat up when idling!
Tomorrow I'm planning on actually attending the parenting class at a local church that I'd signed up for and hardly attended in Nov/Dec between the holidays, migraines, and "helping" this neighbor. It's earlier in the day than I'd like, but there is child-care and the opportunity to sit and relax! By the time we'd get home it'd be nearly noon..then it'd be time to meet up with some people from our local homeschooling group at the library. So I can manage to be gone most of the day. I hate having to avoid someone, but it looks like I might need to in order to help me to say "No" to her!
Anyway, thanks Pam for that encouragement..I needed to hear that as well!
MamaBeth
pam sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
I'm 28...this is the first time in my life I've ever run into someone like this person, and yes, it has left me totally drained and grumpy and resentful. Paul and I have been talking and tomorrow he is going to tell her that that latest either of us will take her anywhere is going to be 8 pm with at least half an hour's notice (quite often things have been last minute). He's been feeling the same about the whole situation. 2300 for her to come and pick up her child if she's gone out, and going out means her date provides her ride. No more of the 0100 (or later!!). We will watch her child because we want that child to be safe, but that's it.
SIGH....yes, I've let this person interfere with how things should be with my kids. In that regard, I suppose you could say that I have been a failure as a mom. :-(
And no, we're not getting ANYTHING in return from her other than that she did allow us to dry clothes at her place, which we did our best to not do more than a couple loads a week at her place. When I've REALLY needed help, she'd say no, especially if it meant watching any of my children. She did that once for an hour and decided my kids were "undisciplined brats."
This lady is bringing out the worst in me, and I don't like it. I did tell her no earlier today, when she wanted to just run up to the corner store (about a mile and a half and a couple corners away really...so I'm saying corner meaning the main corner of that end of town) for cigarettes. I sold her one of Paul's packs instead. It's easier than having to get all four children bundled up and into a van that doesn't heat up when idling!
Tomorrow I'm planning on actually attending the parenting class at a local church that I'd signed up for and hardly attended in Nov/Dec between the holidays, migraines, and "helping" this neighbor. It's earlier in the day than I'd like, but there is child-care and the opportunity to sit and relax! By the time we'd get home it'd be nearly noon..then it'd be time to meet up with some people from our local homeschooling group at the library. So I can manage to be gone most of the day. I hate having to avoid someone, but it looks like I might need to in order to help me to say "No" to her!
Anyway, thanks Pam for that encouragement..I needed to hear that as well!
MamaBeth
pam sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
On Jan 8, 2004, at 10:40 AM, Elizabeth Roberts wrote:
> If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use some encouraging!!
>
I encourage you to learn to say "No," Elizabeth. You have your hands
full - nobody should be asking you to go out at night or get up early
in the morning. You can't really be there for your kids - not fully
"be" there for them - if you're tired and grumpy and need a shower and
all that. You're shortchanging your own kids to help an adult person
who doesn't even appreciate it (because people that would impose on
someone like you NEVER appreciate what you do for them). I'm not sure
how old you are - I hate to admit how old I was before I learned to say
no and choose to help people only when I'm doing it from a gracious
generous place in my heart and NEVER when I'm feeling resentful. I
still do plenty of generous helpful things, I think anyway <G>. But I
simply never ever do them when I'm resenting it. That leaves me doing
the things I feel good about doing - and those are the things that are
REALLY helpful.
Hope this is helpful - I'm serious about thinking about what you owe
your OWN children - not a grumpy resentful needs-a-shower mommy!!! This
is something all homeschooling parents have to think about - that their
own state of mind impacts their children a lot more than those parents
whose kids go off to school. Unschooling parents have to be even more
"with it" since we can't just hand our kids their worksheets and tell
them to get to work.
-pam
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
J. Stauffer
<<<GRR the neighbor just came in..gotta go...>>>
I used to be a foster parent so I am very familiar with social worker
visits. I am also very familiar with the power they have. If I felt that I
was making a bad impression on one, I would lose any outside
responsibilities (read that selfish "friends" and anything else outside the
family) until I got on top of the ball again.
Julie S.
I used to be a foster parent so I am very familiar with social worker
visits. I am also very familiar with the power they have. If I felt that I
was making a bad impression on one, I would lose any outside
responsibilities (read that selfish "friends" and anything else outside the
family) until I got on top of the ball again.
Julie S.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Elizabeth Roberts" <mamabethuscg@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, January 08, 2004 12:40 PM
Subject: [UnschoolingDiscussion] having a really bad day...ready to throw in
the towel
> If anyone is in an encouraging mood, I could use some encouraging!!
>
> Things have been bad since last night. My neighbor had a blind date. The
guy said he'd pay for a taxi there and back. She asked me if I could take
her out there to save him the money. So I did. Which made us late for church
(neighbor's daughter routinely comes with us).
>
> She'd asked how late she could call me for a ride home after the date. I
asked her to call me by 2300, because normally the kids were settling in for
the night by then. At 2130 she called. I said we'd be on our way in half an
hour, since the kids had JUST poured bowls of cereal to eat as they'd not
eaten much at the fellowship dinner before church.
>
> We had just left to go get her at 2200 when she called and said don't
worry about it, she'd gotten a ride home.
>
> I THOUGHT she was on her way. By midnight, the kids were finally asleep.
At 0045 she FINALLY calls to say she's home, but since it's freezing cold
out she'll come get her daughter in the morning.
>
> I told her I'd leave the back door unlocked so she could just come on in,
we'd still be sleeping at the time she'd need to come get her daughter so
she could get ready to catch the school bus.
>
> Sometime just after 0700, I become aware that the phone is ringing. I
don't get to it in time, so I just bring it into my room with me. At 0800 it
rings again. My neighbor. Upset because I didn't bring her child home and
the bus was due shortly. I said come on over and get her, everyone's still
asleep. She said she'd miss the bus, I said so let her stay home (she lets
her child stay home for no reason at all most of the time anyway!) and she
says "My child isn't like your kids, she HAS to go to school and whenever
she's late or anything they look at ME like there's something wrong with me
for not getting her to school." I said, Fine. Bring her clothes over, watch
my children (who are all SLEEPING) and I'll drive her to school. She says
"No, just wake her up and have her run home, she has to catch the bus."
>
> I'm not the one staying up til one am yet it's MY fault her child might
miss the bus?! I drive her halfway across Cape Cod for this date and she
can't watch my children for ten minutes so I can take HER daughter to
school?!
>
> ARGGG!!! So that's just this morning. I get up, get the house all picked
up for the social worker's visit that was scheduled for noon. I'm not
dressed yet. She arrives at 1130. More pressure to put Logan in Head Start,
and she'll look into part-time daycare for Megan so I can get a break and
what about that parent-aide coming in?
>
> She leaves, we have lunch, and I head to the bathroom with diahrrea. I
come out to find Sarah sitting on the table with the baby, Megan at the
bottom of the basement stairs crying, and Logan using the last of my
dishsoap after pouring out half the bottle so he can "wash the dishes" for
me from lunch.
>
> I go into the living room and find that the box of math manipulatives has
been dumped out and the pieces thrown around the room.
>
> I'm about ready to throw in the dang towel! I'm exhausted and I WANT A
SHOWER! By the time I knew my neighbor wasn't going to be here I'd already
fallen asleep on the recliner while waiting for her. Megan was already awake
this morning when I got up so no chance for a shower.
>
> The only child who naps is Gracie, so no chance for a nap there...
>
>
>
>
> Why not?!
>
> ---------------------------------
> Do you Yahoo!?
> Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
> "List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
>
> To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Visit the Unschooling website and message boards:
http://www.unschooling.com
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
> To visit your group on the web, go to:
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
>
> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
> [email protected]
>
> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to:
> http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
>
>
>
>
liza sabater
On Thursday, January 8, 2004, at 10:05 PM, Elizabeth Roberts wrote:
I've been following this thread and this quote just jumped at me.
You're message came after Pam's very to the point advice:
boundaries with others. Half an hour's notice is not at all acceptable
for people outside of your immediate family, really. Would you
interrupt your children's play and/or unschooling moment to drive
someone just because they dropped in with half an hour's notice? You're
children are very young. That's not enough time to get them ready to
come along. That's just an invitation to wreak havoc in your kids
world; needless to say yours.
I think you need to re-prioritize and it's very simple: You have a
full-time job and it's called parenting. After the day is done, after
the plates have been put away and you've had time for yourself, then,
that's the time for other people.
How do you learn how to say no? By saying it.
"No, I cannot drive you at this time". Pause and deep breath. Silence
and let it linger. You're going to feel awfully uncomfortable with it
not being used to saying it but, I promise, it gets easier.
I had to learn how to say no to some of my family members. They mistook
my hospitality and love for them with stupidity. So I learned to say
no. "Sorry, I really cannot pay for your vacation". People in my family
are unexpressed actors, they really should have hit the boards. As it
is, they act out psyco-dramas as a way of getting attention. Well, they
used to because they know now it does not work here anymore. I do not
say I cannot help them. I am very speific and say what I am not willing
to do: "No, sorry, I cannot give you $1000", "No I am not going to drug
my child so we can go visit with your cat". I say NO but in a very
specific, to the point way. With no drama.
Mary Jo Blige's song, "No More Drama" would come in handy just about
now :)
l i z a, nyc
=========================
www.culturekitchen.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Paul and I have been talking and tomorrow he is going to tell her thatHi Elizabeth,
> that latest either of us will take her anywhere is going to be 8 pm
> with at least half an hour's notice (quite often things have been last
> minute).
I've been following this thread and this quote just jumped at me.
You're message came after Pam's very to the point advice:
> I encourage you to learn to say "No," Elizabeth.You're statement above tells me you have very little experience setting
boundaries with others. Half an hour's notice is not at all acceptable
for people outside of your immediate family, really. Would you
interrupt your children's play and/or unschooling moment to drive
someone just because they dropped in with half an hour's notice? You're
children are very young. That's not enough time to get them ready to
come along. That's just an invitation to wreak havoc in your kids
world; needless to say yours.
I think you need to re-prioritize and it's very simple: You have a
full-time job and it's called parenting. After the day is done, after
the plates have been put away and you've had time for yourself, then,
that's the time for other people.
How do you learn how to say no? By saying it.
"No, I cannot drive you at this time". Pause and deep breath. Silence
and let it linger. You're going to feel awfully uncomfortable with it
not being used to saying it but, I promise, it gets easier.
I had to learn how to say no to some of my family members. They mistook
my hospitality and love for them with stupidity. So I learned to say
no. "Sorry, I really cannot pay for your vacation". People in my family
are unexpressed actors, they really should have hit the boards. As it
is, they act out psyco-dramas as a way of getting attention. Well, they
used to because they know now it does not work here anymore. I do not
say I cannot help them. I am very speific and say what I am not willing
to do: "No, sorry, I cannot give you $1000", "No I am not going to drug
my child so we can go visit with your cat". I say NO but in a very
specific, to the point way. With no drama.
Mary Jo Blige's song, "No More Drama" would come in handy just about
now :)
l i z a, nyc
=========================
www.culturekitchen.com
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Wife2Vegman
MamaBeth,
Just curious...is this neighbor that is driving you
crazy as her personal taxi service and calling your
children names the same neighbor that turned you into
DSS in the first place? I am not sure I understand
why she is treating you as her personal servant and
whipping boy. Maybe I missed that post somehow.
You are NOT a failure as a mom. Don't even talk that
way. I know it is hard as a young mother home with
little children. I was 23 when I had Sarah, and 25
when I had Andrew. My husband worked 12-14 hour days,
not including travel, and came home grumpy and tired
and didn't interact with us much. I was soo lonely.
Personal boundaries and personal space are desperately
needed for healthy relationships. Too many times I
have gotten involved with emotionally needy people who
started overwhelming me and my family. I waited too
long to tell them how I felt, out of a misguided
notion I needed to serve them somehow or out of
feeling sorry for them, and then when I did it was
done with exasperation and I burst out all my pent up
frustration instead of doing it calmly and in the
right way.
Let your inner momma-bear take over. Your children's
health and feelings of security are being threatened
on many fronts. Some you feel you can't do anything
about, but that person is definitely something you CAN
do something about.
You can solve these situations, Beth. All of them.
My friend Shay says to do nothing out of fear, but to
do it with a sense of purpose.
Did you read Anne O.'s post (through Kelly) earlier?
The cycle of frustration will end when YOU decide it
will end.
Are you homeschooling legally in your state? Then no
one can make you put your kids in school, nor head
start, or whatever.
Do you need to be doing something positive with the
one with delayed development? Then do that, with a
feeling that you are doing what is right, giving that
child what she needs most as a good mother should, and
celebrate that child, just the way she is made,
instead of grieving for any perceived defect.
Like Aragorn says in ROTK to Gandalf...
"What does your heart tell you?"
Go to a quiet place, a warm bathtub with a few candles
lit, and close your eyes. Breathe...and listen to
your heart. Then take up your sword, and do what your
heart tells you.
Susan
wifetovegman
"I see in your heart the same fear that would take the
Heart of me. The day may come, when the courage of
men fail, when we forsake our friends and break all
bonds of fellowship. But it is NOT this day. This
day, WE FIGHT!" -- Aragorn, ROTK
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/signingbonus
Just curious...is this neighbor that is driving you
crazy as her personal taxi service and calling your
children names the same neighbor that turned you into
DSS in the first place? I am not sure I understand
why she is treating you as her personal servant and
whipping boy. Maybe I missed that post somehow.
You are NOT a failure as a mom. Don't even talk that
way. I know it is hard as a young mother home with
little children. I was 23 when I had Sarah, and 25
when I had Andrew. My husband worked 12-14 hour days,
not including travel, and came home grumpy and tired
and didn't interact with us much. I was soo lonely.
Personal boundaries and personal space are desperately
needed for healthy relationships. Too many times I
have gotten involved with emotionally needy people who
started overwhelming me and my family. I waited too
long to tell them how I felt, out of a misguided
notion I needed to serve them somehow or out of
feeling sorry for them, and then when I did it was
done with exasperation and I burst out all my pent up
frustration instead of doing it calmly and in the
right way.
Let your inner momma-bear take over. Your children's
health and feelings of security are being threatened
on many fronts. Some you feel you can't do anything
about, but that person is definitely something you CAN
do something about.
You can solve these situations, Beth. All of them.
My friend Shay says to do nothing out of fear, but to
do it with a sense of purpose.
Did you read Anne O.'s post (through Kelly) earlier?
The cycle of frustration will end when YOU decide it
will end.
Are you homeschooling legally in your state? Then no
one can make you put your kids in school, nor head
start, or whatever.
Do you need to be doing something positive with the
one with delayed development? Then do that, with a
feeling that you are doing what is right, giving that
child what she needs most as a good mother should, and
celebrate that child, just the way she is made,
instead of grieving for any perceived defect.
Like Aragorn says in ROTK to Gandalf...
"What does your heart tell you?"
Go to a quiet place, a warm bathtub with a few candles
lit, and close your eyes. Breathe...and listen to
your heart. Then take up your sword, and do what your
heart tells you.
Susan
wifetovegman
"I see in your heart the same fear that would take the
Heart of me. The day may come, when the courage of
men fail, when we forsake our friends and break all
bonds of fellowship. But it is NOT this day. This
day, WE FIGHT!" -- Aragorn, ROTK
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/signingbonus
Wife2Vegman
--- Wife2Vegman <wifetovegman2002@...> wrote:
line. It should read:
--Susan in VA
WifetoVegman
What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all. John Holt
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/signingbonus
> Go to a quiet place, a warm bathtub with a fewGood ending, But then I blew the quote after my sig
> candles
> lit, and close your eyes. Breathe...and listen to
> your heart. Then take up your sword, and do what
> your
> heart tells you.
>
> Susan
> wifetovegman
line. It should read:
>=====
> "I see in your *eyes* the same fear that would take
> the
> Heart of me. The day may come, when the courage of
> men fail, when we forsake our friends and break all
> bonds of fellowship. But it is NOT this day. This
> day, WE FIGHT!" -- Aragorn, ROTK
>
--Susan in VA
WifetoVegman
What is most important and valuable about the home as a base for children's growth into the world is not that it is a better school than the schools, but that it isn't a school at all. John Holt
__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
http://hotjobs.sweepstakes.yahoo.com/signingbonus
Robyn Coburn
<<You're statement above tells me you have very little experience setting
boundaries with others. Half an hour's notice is not at all acceptable
for people outside of your immediate family, really. Would you
interrupt your children's play and/or unschooling moment to drive
someone just because they dropped in with half an hour's notice? You're
children are very young. That's not enough time to get them ready to
come along. That's just an invitation to wreak havoc in your kids
world; needless to say yours.
I think you need to re-prioritize and it's very simple: You have a
full-time job and it's called parenting. After the day is done, after
the plates have been put away and you've had time for yourself, then,
that's the time for other people.
How do you learn how to say no? By saying it.>>
I want to add my support to the ideas in this post. I was surprised that the
solution to the overly demanding neighbor was a set of rules that would
enable her to continue imposing on Mamabeth and her family.
I also have a suggestion for when you start saying no - you are not required
to give her a reason, even if she asks for one. After all, she is not one of
your children. Just repeat the no, or else she will start to break down
whatever reasons you give her, or waste a lot of time and create bad energy
in you by trying to do so. This does not mean you have to be rude. You can
still say, "Gee, I'm sorry but it's just not possible" when she says "Why
not?". That sounds better than the truth which seems to be "because you are
a self-centered, ungrateful, wretchedly-demanding, uncongenial cow!"
Many of us have posted about how friendships have changed or faded away
because of the life-changing, soul-altering effects of unschooling. I have
myself. Sometimes it is sad, but possibly not really in this case.
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
boundaries with others. Half an hour's notice is not at all acceptable
for people outside of your immediate family, really. Would you
interrupt your children's play and/or unschooling moment to drive
someone just because they dropped in with half an hour's notice? You're
children are very young. That's not enough time to get them ready to
come along. That's just an invitation to wreak havoc in your kids
world; needless to say yours.
I think you need to re-prioritize and it's very simple: You have a
full-time job and it's called parenting. After the day is done, after
the plates have been put away and you've had time for yourself, then,
that's the time for other people.
How do you learn how to say no? By saying it.>>
I want to add my support to the ideas in this post. I was surprised that the
solution to the overly demanding neighbor was a set of rules that would
enable her to continue imposing on Mamabeth and her family.
I also have a suggestion for when you start saying no - you are not required
to give her a reason, even if she asks for one. After all, she is not one of
your children. Just repeat the no, or else she will start to break down
whatever reasons you give her, or waste a lot of time and create bad energy
in you by trying to do so. This does not mean you have to be rude. You can
still say, "Gee, I'm sorry but it's just not possible" when she says "Why
not?". That sounds better than the truth which seems to be "because you are
a self-centered, ungrateful, wretchedly-demanding, uncongenial cow!"
Many of us have posted about how friendships have changed or faded away
because of the life-changing, soul-altering effects of unschooling. I have
myself. Sometimes it is sad, but possibly not really in this case.
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
pam sorooshian
Ideas of ways to say no:
"No."
"Sorry, can't."
"Here is what I can do...." (followed by exactly what you're willing to
do)
"I'm not comfortable with that."
"Sorry, I won't be able to this time."
"Sorry, I won't be able to do that anymore."
"Here, I got you a bus schedule." <G>
-pam
"No."
"Sorry, can't."
"Here is what I can do...." (followed by exactly what you're willing to
do)
"I'm not comfortable with that."
"Sorry, I won't be able to this time."
"Sorry, I won't be able to do that anymore."
"Here, I got you a bus schedule." <G>
-pam
On Jan 9, 2004, at 12:42 AM, Robyn Coburn wrote:
> I also have a suggestion for when you start saying no - you are not
> required
> to give her a reason, even if she asks for one. After all, she is not
> one of
> your children. Just repeat the no, or else she will start to break down
> whatever reasons you give her, or waste a lot of time and create bad
> energy
> in you by trying to do so. This does not mean you have to be rude. You
> can
> still say, "Gee, I'm sorry but it's just not possible" when she says
> "Why
> not?". That sounds better than the truth which seems to be "because
> you are
> a self-centered, ungrateful, wretchedly-demanding, uncongenial cow!"
National Home Education Network
<www.NHEN.org>
Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
through information, networking and public relations.
gehrkes
The one I like to use is; Sorry, that is just not gonna work for me
or us..Nothing else.. No one is owed an explanation unless perhaps
your children and maybe you hubby..
kathleen
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
or us..Nothing else.. No one is owed an explanation unless perhaps
your children and maybe you hubby..
kathleen
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
> Ideas of ways to say no:willing to
>
> "No."
> "Sorry, can't."
> "Here is what I can do...." (followed by exactly what you're
> do)not
> "I'm not comfortable with that."
> "Sorry, I won't be able to this time."
> "Sorry, I won't be able to do that anymore."
> "Here, I got you a bus schedule." <G>
>
> -pam
>
> On Jan 9, 2004, at 12:42 AM, Robyn Coburn wrote:
>
> > I also have a suggestion for when you start saying no - you are
> > requiredis not
> > to give her a reason, even if she asks for one. After all, she
> > one ofbreak down
> > your children. Just repeat the no, or else she will start to
> > whatever reasons you give her, or waste a lot of time and createbad
> > energyrude. You
> > in you by trying to do so. This does not mean you have to be
> > cansays
> > still say, "Gee, I'm sorry but it's just not possible" when she
> > "Whybe "because
> > not?". That sounds better than the truth which seems to
> > you arecow!"
> > a self-centered, ungrateful, wretchedly-demanding, uncongenial
> National Home Education Network
> <www.NHEN.org>
> Serving the entire homeschooling community since 1999
> through information, networking and public relations.
lifelearners6
Mamabeth,
Your neighbor sounds a lot like mine. We wanted to be kind and
helpful, but the more "inches" we gave, the more "miles" she asked
for. It was getting so we dreaded hearing the phone ring. I called
the education dept. at the local hospital, and they gave me the name
of a local volunteer agency. I called there to find out what
services were available, then typed up the info in large print,
including taxi phone numbers, etc. and brought it over to the
neighbor. The next time she asked if I could take her to the store,
I said, "No, I can't. I have to take care of my family, and that
takes all of my time. You can call any of the numbers on the sheet I
gave you to get other help."
I felt kind of blue about it. But it is such a relief to have fewer
phone calls and fewer interruptions, and to not have to listen to her
litany of complaints.
Be courageous.
Lynn
BTW, I haven't posted here before. Just joined today. I'll
introduce myself in another post.
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
Your neighbor sounds a lot like mine. We wanted to be kind and
helpful, but the more "inches" we gave, the more "miles" she asked
for. It was getting so we dreaded hearing the phone ring. I called
the education dept. at the local hospital, and they gave me the name
of a local volunteer agency. I called there to find out what
services were available, then typed up the info in large print,
including taxi phone numbers, etc. and brought it over to the
neighbor. The next time she asked if I could take her to the store,
I said, "No, I can't. I have to take care of my family, and that
takes all of my time. You can call any of the numbers on the sheet I
gave you to get other help."
I felt kind of blue about it. But it is such a relief to have fewer
phone calls and fewer interruptions, and to not have to listen to her
litany of complaints.
Be courageous.
Lynn
BTW, I haven't posted here before. Just joined today. I'll
introduce myself in another post.
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
> Ideas of ways to say no:
> > "Here, I got you a bus schedule." <G>
>
> -pam
Elizabeth Roberts
Lynn,
Actually, she does have that..our town has a whole booklet they put out with local numbers of helpful organizations and whatnot. But the main part of "helping" her is mostly giving her rides to places. I will take her to go pick up her child support from her ex, and to the grocery store and other "must do" meetings like to meet with the realtor for the house she's hoping to rent because her current landlord's decided to sell the house, but nothing else.
SIGH...it's definitely been a toxic relationship and other than these truly helpful things I'm not doing any of it anymore; although I will still watch her child if she's going to be out because the child needs a safe place to be. But I have told her she MUST be home to pick up her child by 2300, especially if it's on a school night.
MamaBeth
lifelearners6 <lifelearners6@...> wrote:
Mamabeth,
Your neighbor sounds a lot like mine. We wanted to be kind and
helpful, but the more "inches" we gave, the more "miles" she asked
for. It was getting so we dreaded hearing the phone ring. I called
the education dept. at the local hospital, and they gave me the name
of a local volunteer agency. I called there to find out what
services were available, then typed up the info in large print,
including taxi phone numbers, etc. and brought it over to the
neighbor. The next time she asked if I could take her to the store,
I said, "No, I can't. I have to take care of my family, and that
takes all of my time. You can call any of the numbers on the sheet I
gave you to get other help."
I felt kind of blue about it. But it is such a relief to have fewer
phone calls and fewer interruptions, and to not have to listen to her
litany of complaints.
Be courageous.
Lynn
BTW, I haven't posted here before. Just joined today. I'll
introduce myself in another post.
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Actually, she does have that..our town has a whole booklet they put out with local numbers of helpful organizations and whatnot. But the main part of "helping" her is mostly giving her rides to places. I will take her to go pick up her child support from her ex, and to the grocery store and other "must do" meetings like to meet with the realtor for the house she's hoping to rent because her current landlord's decided to sell the house, but nothing else.
SIGH...it's definitely been a toxic relationship and other than these truly helpful things I'm not doing any of it anymore; although I will still watch her child if she's going to be out because the child needs a safe place to be. But I have told her she MUST be home to pick up her child by 2300, especially if it's on a school night.
MamaBeth
lifelearners6 <lifelearners6@...> wrote:
Mamabeth,
Your neighbor sounds a lot like mine. We wanted to be kind and
helpful, but the more "inches" we gave, the more "miles" she asked
for. It was getting so we dreaded hearing the phone ring. I called
the education dept. at the local hospital, and they gave me the name
of a local volunteer agency. I called there to find out what
services were available, then typed up the info in large print,
including taxi phone numbers, etc. and brought it over to the
neighbor. The next time she asked if I could take her to the store,
I said, "No, I can't. I have to take care of my family, and that
takes all of my time. You can call any of the numbers on the sheet I
gave you to get other help."
I felt kind of blue about it. But it is such a relief to have fewer
phone calls and fewer interruptions, and to not have to listen to her
litany of complaints.
Be courageous.
Lynn
BTW, I haven't posted here before. Just joined today. I'll
introduce myself in another post.
--- In [email protected], pam sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@m...> wrote:
> Ideas of ways to say no:"List Posting Policies" are provided in the files area of this group.
> > "Here, I got you a bus schedule." <G>
>
> -pam
To unsubscribe from this send an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website and message boards: http://www.unschooling.com
---------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
To visit your group on the web, go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/UnschoolingDiscussion/
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
Why not?!
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]