Trouble with Dad
Michelle
I am having problems with my hubby and the whole food thing. As I have said, we are new to unschooling, so the changes are tough for him. We have always been scheduled people, and it worked for us. Or at least we thought it did. I love this new lifestyle and want him to embrace it as I have. He travels for work, so is away from home. His travels comes and goes, so he will go for a while with no travel, then have 4-5 trips in as many weeks, being gone for 2-3 days each time. He is trying go with the flow, but is refusing to budge on the food issue.
He sees no problem with telling our 6 year old son that he has to eat his vegetables. We really do not have a problem with him eating them, he likes them. Go figure. I have changed to letting him decide what he wants to eat and when he wants to do it. Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate. I feel that he ate a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him have them. The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00, like my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch, peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is wrong with that.
I would like to get my husband on my side, and have him see that this is a good thing, showing our son that we have faith in his decisions. Any suggestions on how I can approach this issue again with him.
I did mention to him that I was going to start making him eat vegetables. His response was that he is an adult. My argument is why does that matter. He does not see it.
Sorry about this being so long. Thanks!!
Michelle
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
He sees no problem with telling our 6 year old son that he has to eat his vegetables. We really do not have a problem with him eating them, he likes them. Go figure. I have changed to letting him decide what he wants to eat and when he wants to do it. Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate. I feel that he ate a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him have them. The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00, like my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch, peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is wrong with that.
I would like to get my husband on my side, and have him see that this is a good thing, showing our son that we have faith in his decisions. Any suggestions on how I can approach this issue again with him.
I did mention to him that I was going to start making him eat vegetables. His response was that he is an adult. My argument is why does that matter. He does not see it.
Sorry about this being so long. Thanks!!
Michelle
---------------------------------
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Hotjobs: Enter the "Signing Bonus" Sweepstakes
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
veejie72
--- In [email protected], Michelle
<marriedtomony1991@y...> wrote:
USRDA of nutrition values for the different choices? So that you could reassure him
that DS is getting X amount of protein, X amount of calcium, etc. Then you could stop
once DH is satisfied that he's getting proper nutrition.
<marriedtomony1991@y...> wrote:
> I am having problems with my hubby and the whole food thing.snip
> I feel that he ate a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him haveI know this would be a pain, but maybe for just a week you could keep track of the
> them. The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00,
> like my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch,
> peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is
> wrong with that.
USRDA of nutrition values for the different choices? So that you could reassure him
that DS is getting X amount of protein, X amount of calcium, etc. Then you could stop
once DH is satisfied that he's getting proper nutrition.
>-Vijay
[email protected]
Some men can be very stubborn and push their childhood experiences on their
own. Maybe you could tell him that all the "control" he is putting on his sons
food isn't helping but just may cause him to be obese. Your son knows best if
he is hungry or not.
Laura
**********************************************************8
<<<In a message dated 1/8/2004 5:56:06 AM Eastern Standard Time,
marriedtomony1991@... writes:
He sees no problem with telling our 6 year old son that he has to eat his
vegetables. We really do not have a problem with him eating them, he likes them.
Go figure. I have changed to letting him decide what he wants to eat and
when he wants to do it. Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate. I feel that he ate
a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him have them.
The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00, like
my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch,
peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is
wrong with that.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
own. Maybe you could tell him that all the "control" he is putting on his sons
food isn't helping but just may cause him to be obese. Your son knows best if
he is hungry or not.
Laura
**********************************************************8
<<<In a message dated 1/8/2004 5:56:06 AM Eastern Standard Time,
marriedtomony1991@... writes:
He sees no problem with telling our 6 year old son that he has to eat his
vegetables. We really do not have a problem with him eating them, he likes them.
Go figure. I have changed to letting him decide what he wants to eat and
when he wants to do it. Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate. I feel that he ate
a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him have them.
The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00, like
my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch,
peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is
wrong with that.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
catherine aceto
Original Post:
Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate.
******************************
Can your husband articulate whether his concerns are about food/nutrition, control/respect, conformity/weirdness or something else? I would think it would help to focus on figuring out what "problem" your husband thinks he is solving or preventing.
-Cat
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate.
******************************
Can your husband articulate whether his concerns are about food/nutrition, control/respect, conformity/weirdness or something else? I would think it would help to focus on figuring out what "problem" your husband thinks he is solving or preventing.
-Cat
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Michelle
Cat:
Thanks!! I will definatly try that. I am going to ask him to think about what his objection to this is, and give him some time to really think about it. That way he does not feel "on the spot" about it. Then when he is ready and has all this thoughts in order, we can sit down at talk about it.
Maybe I will be able to get him to peek his head outside the box!!
Michelle
catherine aceto <aceto3@...> wrote:
Original Post:
Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate.
******************************
Can your husband articulate whether his concerns are about food/nutrition, control/respect, conformity/weirdness or something else? I would think it would help to focus on figuring out what "problem" your husband thinks he is solving or preventing.
-Cat
Thanks!! I will definatly try that. I am going to ask him to think about what his objection to this is, and give him some time to really think about it. That way he does not feel "on the spot" about it. Then when he is ready and has all this thoughts in order, we can sit down at talk about it.
Maybe I will be able to get him to peek his head outside the box!!
Michelle
catherine aceto <aceto3@...> wrote:
Original Post:
Hubby feels that meals should be eaten at meal time, and
that gummies after cereal and yogurt, is not appropriate.
******************************
Can your husband articulate whether his concerns are about food/nutrition, control/respect, conformity/weirdness or something else? I would think it would help to focus on figuring out what "problem" your husband thinks he is solving or preventing.
-Cat
Michelle
Vijay:
A great idea also. I keep very little "junk food" in the house, due to my inability to control myself. We do keep things that he likes and feels are treats. But nothing that is my trigger foods, like cookies. I just do not have the self control yet to keep out of them. I am also going to start giving my son $5.00 each grocery shopping trip to buy things he wants to have in the house that are his choice totally. He is a really good eater, and, as someone else mentioned, overweight is not a problem. It is actually the opposite. Due to a congenital heart defect, he is actually underweight. has been since his 6 month checkup when they discovered it, and one of the indicators was he dropped off the bottom of the weight charts. Regulated after mediation for the condition, but has never been heavy. He is very tall for his weight, so is "scrawny" and his pediatrician put it. So I guess the extra calories would do him some good!!
Thanks for th advice.
Michelle
veejie72 <berryhead@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], Michelle
<marriedtomony1991@y...> wrote:
USRDA of nutrition values for the different choices? So that you could reassure him
that DS is getting X amount of protein, X amount of calcium, etc. Then you could stop
once DH is satisfied that he's getting proper nutrition.
A great idea also. I keep very little "junk food" in the house, due to my inability to control myself. We do keep things that he likes and feels are treats. But nothing that is my trigger foods, like cookies. I just do not have the self control yet to keep out of them. I am also going to start giving my son $5.00 each grocery shopping trip to buy things he wants to have in the house that are his choice totally. He is a really good eater, and, as someone else mentioned, overweight is not a problem. It is actually the opposite. Due to a congenital heart defect, he is actually underweight. has been since his 6 month checkup when they discovered it, and one of the indicators was he dropped off the bottom of the weight charts. Regulated after mediation for the condition, but has never been heavy. He is very tall for his weight, so is "scrawny" and his pediatrician put it. So I guess the extra calories would do him some good!!
Thanks for th advice.
Michelle
veejie72 <berryhead@...> wrote:
--- In [email protected], Michelle
<marriedtomony1991@y...> wrote:
> I am having problems with my hubby and the whole food thing.snip
> I feel that he ate a great breakfast, and if he still wants gummies, then let him haveI know this would be a pain, but maybe for just a week you could keep track of the
> them. The entire meal was my sons choice, and it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00,
> like my husband feels it should be. He was also upset at his choice of lunch,
> peanuts dipped in apple sauce. My argument to him, fruit and protein, what is
> wrong with that.
USRDA of nutrition values for the different choices? So that you could reassure him
that DS is getting X amount of protein, X amount of calcium, etc. Then you could stop
once DH is satisfied that he's getting proper nutrition.
>-Vijay
Annette
Do you think that maybe because your son has had such a "foundation"
with food and nutrition that is the reason he chooses to eat better and
less junk than other kids? I notice that with my son, even though we
have always been pretty liberal with junk food (as much as we can have
it) he is still very much into choosing what I would call bad food over
good food. I am a big fan of healthy eating and good nutrition. We never
had junk food or junk drinks of any kind in my house growing up, they
were just too expensive. And, I am VERY grateful for that. I never
learned that bad behavior. And, YES, it is bad behavior, our country is
severely obese. Of course, we would have the occasional pig out, but
never incurring a weight problem or anything. I think the weight issue
comes in when there is no will power from the person. My son has always
eaten a basically good diet because of my eating habits and still he has
a weight problem - go figure! As a result of his weight issue, I have
HAD to watch what he eats to a certain extent. So...I don't think this
no limits on food is really the issue, I feel it is more to do with the
person and their body and mind.
Annette,Jason
& Our 3 Boujas
Nicolas, Joseph
& peanut due 1/12/04
with food and nutrition that is the reason he chooses to eat better and
less junk than other kids? I notice that with my son, even though we
have always been pretty liberal with junk food (as much as we can have
it) he is still very much into choosing what I would call bad food over
good food. I am a big fan of healthy eating and good nutrition. We never
had junk food or junk drinks of any kind in my house growing up, they
were just too expensive. And, I am VERY grateful for that. I never
learned that bad behavior. And, YES, it is bad behavior, our country is
severely obese. Of course, we would have the occasional pig out, but
never incurring a weight problem or anything. I think the weight issue
comes in when there is no will power from the person. My son has always
eaten a basically good diet because of my eating habits and still he has
a weight problem - go figure! As a result of his weight issue, I have
HAD to watch what he eats to a certain extent. So...I don't think this
no limits on food is really the issue, I feel it is more to do with the
person and their body and mind.
Annette,Jason
& Our 3 Boujas
Nicolas, Joseph
& peanut due 1/12/04
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/8/2004 8:46:45 PM Mountain Standard Time,
boujamama@... writes:
-=-I think the weight issue
comes in when there is no will power from the person. My son has always
eaten a basically good diet because of my eating habits and still he has
a weight problem - go figure! -=-
Which is it?
Those two sentences so near to one another seem contradictory.
-=-So...I don't think this
no limits on food is really the issue, I feel it is more to do with the
person and their body and mind.
-=-
Do you think the way people are treated, whether they are respected and given
freedom and such does NOT affect the person and their body and mind?
Here are another couple of related things, then,about raising respected
children, and about "spoiled" children:
http://sandradodd.com/respect
http://sandradodd.com/spoiled
Both have to do with children feeling rich and satisfied with their lives.
You won't get that by taking things away from them.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
boujamama@... writes:
-=-I think the weight issue
comes in when there is no will power from the person. My son has always
eaten a basically good diet because of my eating habits and still he has
a weight problem - go figure! -=-
Which is it?
Those two sentences so near to one another seem contradictory.
-=-So...I don't think this
no limits on food is really the issue, I feel it is more to do with the
person and their body and mind.
-=-
Do you think the way people are treated, whether they are respected and given
freedom and such does NOT affect the person and their body and mind?
Here are another couple of related things, then,about raising respected
children, and about "spoiled" children:
http://sandradodd.com/respect
http://sandradodd.com/spoiled
Both have to do with children feeling rich and satisfied with their lives.
You won't get that by taking things away from them.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary
Michelle,
I just had a thought. Scary I know. Do you think any of the control over
food issues with your husband and son have anything to do with your sons
heart problem? Meaning maybe your husband is looking at it from that point
of view. Something he feels he can control that would make a big difference
in your sons health down the road?? Just a thought and it may be off but I
thought it was worth a mention.
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
I just had a thought. Scary I know. Do you think any of the control over
food issues with your husband and son have anything to do with your sons
heart problem? Meaning maybe your husband is looking at it from that point
of view. Something he feels he can control that would make a big difference
in your sons health down the road?? Just a thought and it may be off but I
thought it was worth a mention.
Mary B.
http://www.homeschoolingtshirts.com
[email protected]
In a message dated Wed, 7 Jan 2004 20:07:23
marriedtomony1991@... writes:
As I excitedly read and read and read from this list and
unschooling.com message boards I thought "YES, this is what is
missing from our unschooling - the idea of empowering our kids by
letting them make their own decisions" and "this can lead to the
relationship I want to have with each child".
Next day tried to throw out all bedtimes, chores, food restrictions,
etc. (well, not exactly the next day but I wanted to get there right
now!)
Whoops - forgot all about dh who hadn't been doing all the research,
wasn't necessarily up for "throwing out the old and bringing on the
new", and didn't think the relationships were so bad.
his decisions.>>>>>>>>
Maybe be really clear in your mind about principles vs. rules. So
when something comes up:
Problem is: "peanuts dipped in apple sauce" Principle is: people
should listen to what their body is telling them they need
Problem is: "it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00" Principle is:
people should eat when they are hungry
you can be discuss the principle - my dh did get tired of
discussing "every single thing" though. When we were making the
switch, everything (it seemed to me) needed to be evaluated - and we
were already unschooling! Had been for years. . . . .
Maybe focus on one issue at a time? Either chores or food or bedtime
or TV/video choices - that's what I wish I would have done. And be
patient, try to see things from dh's perspective. . . . . I was so
busy trying to see things from the kid's perspective, that he kinda
got left out.
days each time. >>>>>>>
This can be an advantage. While he is gone, notice all the great
decisions that ds makes and write them down. Bring them up when
you're talking to dh on the phone before he comes home (well, maybe
not all the great decisions ds makes because it will be too many -
maybe one or two of the very best ones) and mention the principle
too. I had a tendency to be too "preachy" - good way to turn dh off.
Maybe try to keep JJ's yellow "sunny and positive" hat on as much as
possible when discussing these issues with dh.
Mercedes
who probably wore that red emotional hat too often when discussing
these ideas with her dh. . . . .
marriedtomony1991@... writes:
>>>>we are new to unschooling, so the changes are tough for him. >>>>>I can REALLY relate to this.
As I excitedly read and read and read from this list and
unschooling.com message boards I thought "YES, this is what is
missing from our unschooling - the idea of empowering our kids by
letting them make their own decisions" and "this can lead to the
relationship I want to have with each child".
Next day tried to throw out all bedtimes, chores, food restrictions,
etc. (well, not exactly the next day but I wanted to get there right
now!)
Whoops - forgot all about dh who hadn't been doing all the research,
wasn't necessarily up for "throwing out the old and bringing on the
new", and didn't think the relationships were so bad.
>>>>>>>>>>> I would like to get my husband on my side, and have himsee that this is a good thing, showing our son that we have faith in
his decisions.>>>>>>>>
Maybe be really clear in your mind about principles vs. rules. So
when something comes up:
Problem is: "peanuts dipped in apple sauce" Principle is: people
should listen to what their body is telling them they need
Problem is: "it was eaten at 10:30, not at 8:00" Principle is:
people should eat when they are hungry
you can be discuss the principle - my dh did get tired of
discussing "every single thing" though. When we were making the
switch, everything (it seemed to me) needed to be evaluated - and we
were already unschooling! Had been for years. . . . .
Maybe focus on one issue at a time? Either chores or food or bedtime
or TV/video choices - that's what I wish I would have done. And be
patient, try to see things from dh's perspective. . . . . I was so
busy trying to see things from the kid's perspective, that he kinda
got left out.
>>>>>>>>>His travels comes and goes, so he will go for a while withno travel, then have 4-5 trips in as many weeks, being gone for 2-3
days each time. >>>>>>>
This can be an advantage. While he is gone, notice all the great
decisions that ds makes and write them down. Bring them up when
you're talking to dh on the phone before he comes home (well, maybe
not all the great decisions ds makes because it will be too many -
maybe one or two of the very best ones) and mention the principle
too. I had a tendency to be too "preachy" - good way to turn dh off.
Maybe try to keep JJ's yellow "sunny and positive" hat on as much as
possible when discussing these issues with dh.
Mercedes
who probably wore that red emotional hat too often when discussing
these ideas with her dh. . . . .
[email protected]
mulwiler@... writes:
Or take an even bigger plunge -- maybe you put on the red hat and list
all the problems *for* him, then encourage him to be the one wearing the
yellow hat to come up with all the positives. (Then you can both put on your green
hats and get creative, as a real team wearing the same color uniforms?) JJ
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> Maybe try to keep JJ's yellow "sunny and positive" hat on as much asLove this!
> possible when discussing these issues with dh.
>
Or take an even bigger plunge -- maybe you put on the red hat and list
all the problems *for* him, then encourage him to be the one wearing the
yellow hat to come up with all the positives. (Then you can both put on your green
hats and get creative, as a real team wearing the same color uniforms?) JJ
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 1/11/04 12:50:03 PM, mulwiler@... writes:
<< Maybe focus on one issue at a time? Either chores or food or bedtime
or TV/video choices - that's what I wish I would have done. And be
patient, try to see things from dh's perspective. . . . . I was so
busy trying to see things from the kid's perspective, that he kinda
got left out. >>
I think that's a good idea, and not even one thing all at once, necessarily.
If you've always said "no dessert unless you clean your plate," you could
start with "You don't have to eat that if you don't want to," and see the kid
light up! A lot of little lighting up is probably more fun than one big weird
suspicious one anyway, and gradually the parents can see it working, and maybe
not have the big backlash craziness of gorging.
Sandra
<< Maybe focus on one issue at a time? Either chores or food or bedtime
or TV/video choices - that's what I wish I would have done. And be
patient, try to see things from dh's perspective. . . . . I was so
busy trying to see things from the kid's perspective, that he kinda
got left out. >>
I think that's a good idea, and not even one thing all at once, necessarily.
If you've always said "no dessert unless you clean your plate," you could
start with "You don't have to eat that if you don't want to," and see the kid
light up! A lot of little lighting up is probably more fun than one big weird
suspicious one anyway, and gradually the parents can see it working, and maybe
not have the big backlash craziness of gorging.
Sandra
Danielle Conger
Mercedes wrote:
Whoops - forgot all about dh who hadn't been doing all the research,
wasn't necessarily up for "throwing out the old and bringing on the
new", and didn't think the relationships were so bad.
When I started reading this list, I was looking for support after a reading fiasco that was dh induced. <g> Dh had made a "deal" with my 6 year old that she was going to practice reading every day. She seemed into it. Each day I asked her when she wanted to it that day, where, etc., trying to let her lead it as much as possible. Not surprisingly, it rapidly turned into battle ground. After 3 weeks (only about a week of battling), I threw up my hands and said, "Em, you really don't seem to be into this. It's not fun for me, and I'm sure it's not fun for you. I want you to enjoy reading, not dread it. What do you want to do?"
We completely left off with, thankfully, minimal damage done. She didn't read for about 3 weeks--about the same amount of time as the "deal" lasted. Then, one night she brought a bunch of books into our room and proceeded to read four of them to me. I didn't interrupt, teach, anything. Now, she says things like, "I only read when I want to!" and "I'm getting really good at reading, aren't I?" Whew! Thank goodness this crisis wasn't bigger and I found this board when I did! <g>
The other night I touched base with dh again about the unschooling, how he thought it was going, was he happy with the reading, etc. He's been really impressed watching the kids lately, and I think he's been paying more careful attention. So, dripping sarcasm, he says to me, "Ehhh, I think I need to sit on her some more about it. Set her back about another 6 months." Yes! He's finally getting it! That was a pretty great moment--almost as great as when Emily looked at me and said what a good reader she was! <bwg>
--danielle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Whoops - forgot all about dh who hadn't been doing all the research,
wasn't necessarily up for "throwing out the old and bringing on the
new", and didn't think the relationships were so bad.
When I started reading this list, I was looking for support after a reading fiasco that was dh induced. <g> Dh had made a "deal" with my 6 year old that she was going to practice reading every day. She seemed into it. Each day I asked her when she wanted to it that day, where, etc., trying to let her lead it as much as possible. Not surprisingly, it rapidly turned into battle ground. After 3 weeks (only about a week of battling), I threw up my hands and said, "Em, you really don't seem to be into this. It's not fun for me, and I'm sure it's not fun for you. I want you to enjoy reading, not dread it. What do you want to do?"
We completely left off with, thankfully, minimal damage done. She didn't read for about 3 weeks--about the same amount of time as the "deal" lasted. Then, one night she brought a bunch of books into our room and proceeded to read four of them to me. I didn't interrupt, teach, anything. Now, she says things like, "I only read when I want to!" and "I'm getting really good at reading, aren't I?" Whew! Thank goodness this crisis wasn't bigger and I found this board when I did! <g>
The other night I touched base with dh again about the unschooling, how he thought it was going, was he happy with the reading, etc. He's been really impressed watching the kids lately, and I think he's been paying more careful attention. So, dripping sarcasm, he says to me, "Ehhh, I think I need to sit on her some more about it. Set her back about another 6 months." Yes! He's finally getting it! That was a pretty great moment--almost as great as when Emily looked at me and said what a good reader she was! <bwg>
--danielle
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]