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In a message dated 12/26/03 1:10:16 AM, dezigna@... writes:

<< One
of the earliest parenting advice articles I ever read said to beware of
"Don't let me CATCH you doing ..." statements, since it was a mixed message
that could be taken as a challenge. >>

"I better not ever see you doing X" seems like a clear message to me. We had
friends who did that. Their kids were HORRIBLE when the parents were gone,
and statuesque when they were there. Military "yes sir/no sir" statues who
never did anything questionable. It was as though they were holding their
breath in the presence of their dad, and when they hear the engine of his car, they
let loose everything they had been holding in, and they weren't breaking any
rules by doing that. Their understanding of the rule was correct: They
couldn't do it where their dad could see them.

If a child has to pay a quarter for an offense, the offense has to be proven.

If the offense can be hidden, that saves 25cents. Bad set-up.

I could have told that dad what his kids were doing at my house, but I
decided not to. They would have been punished beyond what it was worth, so I just
made deals with them myself, and explained in my own way what it would cost
them in terms of behavior and consideration if they wanted to play at my house.
And they did want to, and they did things my way at my house, which also
involved them saying "okay" and calling me Sandra instead of using their Alabama
manners which only reminded me that they had a whole arsenal of behavioral tools
which had no room left for real consideration of why things were done how,
and forms of address which excused them from deciding which people they REALLY
respected or didn't.

Sandra

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This "type" of parenting made me think of a program that has recently been
started at my oldest son's high school. A few months ago, a freshman girl was
killed in a car accident involving a drunk driver. She and a couple other
friends had got a ride with an older guy, he had been drinking, and they
subsequently were in an accident. In response to this tragedy, some parents started
a service called "AnnaMac" ANother Night Alive, Make A Call... Taken from
her name, Anna McAslin. (heres a link for the full story
http://www.catawba.k12.nc.us/news_info/annamacfull.htm The short version is that parents are
offering a service for kids to call to get a ride home, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.. if
a kid needs a ride because they have been drinking or their ride has been
drinking. OK, great idea.. I'm not dissing thier efforts, anything to save a
kids life.. BUT, it was so strikingly crystal clear to our family what the real
problem is.. Kids are afraid to call thier parents! They are afraid of the
consequences of drinking. They have most likley been threatened with that "If
I ever catch you, or Your better never...." so, instead of calling home for a
ride, they would risk thier lives with a drunk driver or drinking and driving
themselves. Landon knows, he has known since he was.. well, I can't remember
how young, certianly before he started going out with friends.. that he can (
AND SHOULD!!) call me if he needs a ride. I will be the one that offers "No
questions asked" He has never called me for a ride. but he has told me "so
and so had beer, etc.. and I got a ride home with someone else" He knows I am
not going to lecture him about being friends with so and so, or throw
judgement on them. My deepest sympathies go out to this family that lost thier
daughter, I know it's a tremendous heartbreak.. I can't help but think that the
guilt must be horrendous, knowing that thier daughter would be alive if she had
just called them for a ride.

Teresa


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