Bronwen

A premiss that some people seem to associate with unschooling is the idea
that we are to provide all the possible choices imaginable to our children
and then let them choose what they want. This is not, in my opinion, what
unschooling entails.

I think that many people are confused about this because of some of the
questions mainly about "limits", the thread about appropriate movies, the
thread about showing children all religions so they can "choose", etc.....

Or the recent "gun" thread, To which Sandra responds with this:

>>It's not pro-gun, it's anti-controlling.

>Toy guns or video games, like television, food, bedtime, reading, clothes,
>etc., all involve issues of learning, experimentation, thought, sharing,
>individual preference, and the same arguments against requiring or
restricting or
>mom-chosen limits apply to guns as to so many other things

What this reflect IS a premiss of unschooling. Unschooling means trusting
your child above any "ideas" (like hating guns) you have in regards to a
life which isn't yours- your child's. What we are saying is that IF our
child chooses something, we trust it. "Anti-controlling", "non- coersive"-
those are other ways to define "trust"- because if we trust a child, that he
is going to try his best to make benificial decisions, there is no need to
"limit" something or "control" him.

We are NOT saying it is our job to give the child every thing we can think
of even if we disagree with it.

That is like saying, "here you go- these are all the movies you can choose
from, I will describe them- cartoon, anime, documentary, porno, horror...",
or "there are alot of ways people behave in the world, today I will show you
honesty, love and generosity, and tomorrow I will show you deceit, hate, and
greed- you choose!"

Part of our parenting job- probably the most important one- is just living
our life well (this is said all the time on the list- about being
interesting, kind people ourselves). In our culture, this entails a bunch
of choices- what to eat, where to get information, who to be with. etc.
Being unschoolers doesn't mean we have to offer our kids things we wouldn't
choose for ourselves.

Um, so, for example...you and your husband are vegetarian, for many reasons.
You have children- you continue to be vegetarian, so your children are
vegetarian. Trusting, or "no limits" doesn't mean offering your kids meat.
It also doesn't mean you don't explain your ideas to your kids about being
vegetarian and give them information about vegetarians.

What it DOES mean, though, is if your kids are offered meat and wish to
except it, you don't "limit" them, or forcebly make a decision for them. It
means reconsidering our "ideas" if they go against something our child does-
not necessarily changing them, but sometimes (many times) it does mean
looking at life differently and changing ourselves.

This is a scary thing for people sometimes- giving our kids information and
then holding back our imprinted desire to "make" them do what we want. But
it is what trust really looks like.

When you trust your kids like this, a corollary is that they trust *you*.
You become more powerful than you ever could be by force-- what you say and
do is very valued by your kids--because they know you care more for them
than anyone else in the world and you would only tell them what you honestly
think. In other words, your kids will likely choose to become vegetarians.
But if they don't- you and your kids know that they will be accepted and
loved nonetheless, you might even help them prepare meat- or do more
research on veg. and you could even change your mind about it.

like this:

>>His mom believed him when he told her he didn't smoke it, and she listened
when he said that since he got in trouble for it anyway, next time he was
going
to try it. She said, "I trust you. I know you want to experiment. If you
think it's becoming a problem, talk to me so I can help you." And she left
it
at that.

I think having my mind blown up and out by what my kids think and do is one
of the greatest things about being a parent :-)

Bronwen