not wanting to go to planned events
[email protected]
Hi all,
As you may remember, we're pretty new to unschooling (2-3 weeks). One of the
deciding factors that helped me take the plunge and pull Fisher (age 6) out
of school was that he was acting like he felt that he had no time of his own.
For instance, a friend at church invited him to go to her house and stamp,
something he loves to do with her. He agreed. But the day of the event, he
cried and negotiated with us for nearly an hour before finally agreeing to go -- I
would have let him out of it, but I knew she'd gone to considerable trouble
to have snacks and stamping materials available, and I felt it would be rude to
cancel last minute. (You can tell me if you disagree -- it was a very hard
call as I tried to find the balance between respecting him and respecting
others. The friend was an adult and might have understood, but still would have
definitely been disappointed.)
Anyway, I figured as we left school behind, this behavior would resolve
itself. But it hasn't, at least not yet. Nearly every time we've been scheduled
to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks, he's put up
a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door. I let him
know that it's okay to feel as he feels, but we have other people counting on
us and it would be rude to back out now. I often give him input on the
planning, or at least give him plenty of notice (usually with reminders the day
before and then a few hours before). I try to remind him that outside of these
get-togethers (which we are trying to keep to a minimum, in deference to his
desire to be at home), he can follow his own interests to his heart's content,
that now he has plenty of time to be at home and that time is not going to run
out. When I asked him (at a time other than when we were trying to leave) if
he can tell me why he's not wanting to go places, he just said that he can't
explain.
Everything else is going great -- we're having a great time together,
learning and getting excited about everything from Scooby-Doo (him) to the deer in
the backyard (me) and all kinds of other things (both of us). Do I just need to
give this more time, or am I missing a piece of the puzzle? (Or both? Or
neither? <g>)
Thanks in advance-
Peace,
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
As you may remember, we're pretty new to unschooling (2-3 weeks). One of the
deciding factors that helped me take the plunge and pull Fisher (age 6) out
of school was that he was acting like he felt that he had no time of his own.
For instance, a friend at church invited him to go to her house and stamp,
something he loves to do with her. He agreed. But the day of the event, he
cried and negotiated with us for nearly an hour before finally agreeing to go -- I
would have let him out of it, but I knew she'd gone to considerable trouble
to have snacks and stamping materials available, and I felt it would be rude to
cancel last minute. (You can tell me if you disagree -- it was a very hard
call as I tried to find the balance between respecting him and respecting
others. The friend was an adult and might have understood, but still would have
definitely been disappointed.)
Anyway, I figured as we left school behind, this behavior would resolve
itself. But it hasn't, at least not yet. Nearly every time we've been scheduled
to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks, he's put up
a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door. I let him
know that it's okay to feel as he feels, but we have other people counting on
us and it would be rude to back out now. I often give him input on the
planning, or at least give him plenty of notice (usually with reminders the day
before and then a few hours before). I try to remind him that outside of these
get-togethers (which we are trying to keep to a minimum, in deference to his
desire to be at home), he can follow his own interests to his heart's content,
that now he has plenty of time to be at home and that time is not going to run
out. When I asked him (at a time other than when we were trying to leave) if
he can tell me why he's not wanting to go places, he just said that he can't
explain.
Everything else is going great -- we're having a great time together,
learning and getting excited about everything from Scooby-Doo (him) to the deer in
the backyard (me) and all kinds of other things (both of us). Do I just need to
give this more time, or am I missing a piece of the puzzle? (Or both? Or
neither? <g>)
Thanks in advance-
Peace,
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
kayb85
Nearly every time we've been scheduled
the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person"?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553062182/002-2093979-
7518408?v=glance You might find it interesting.
One thing I've learned is that he can handle about one outing a week
pretty well, but more than that is too much. So if someone invites
us to go to their house on a Tuesday, the other 6 days of the week
have to be spent at home for the most part. Little trips to the
grocery store here and there are usually ok.
Another thing that helps me is that he's one of three kids, so if
someone invites us to something and he doesn't go, I can go,
apologize that he's not there but at least the rest of us are so it's
not as big of a deal that one of us is missing.
Sheila
> to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks,he's put up
> a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door.I let him
> know that it's okay to feel as he feels, but we have other peoplecounting on
> us and it would be rude to back out now.Wow, this sounds just like my son, also 6 years old. Have you read
the book, "The Highly Sensitive Person"?
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553062182/002-2093979-
7518408?v=glance You might find it interesting.
One thing I've learned is that he can handle about one outing a week
pretty well, but more than that is too much. So if someone invites
us to go to their house on a Tuesday, the other 6 days of the week
have to be spent at home for the most part. Little trips to the
grocery store here and there are usually ok.
Another thing that helps me is that he's one of three kids, so if
someone invites us to something and he doesn't go, I can go,
apologize that he's not there but at least the rest of us are so it's
not as big of a deal that one of us is missing.
Sheila
Robyn Coburn
<<As you may remember, we're pretty new to unschooling (2-3 weeks). .....
Anyway, I figured as we left school behind, this behavior would resolve
itself. But it hasn't, at least not yet. Nearly every time we've been
scheduled
to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks, he's put
up
a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door. >>
Jayn (4) is like this sometimes, and yet usually enjoys the event once we
get there. I try to limit the other-than-us activities to one-on-one
playdates, since she has scheduled a Park Day and a Dance class weekly - my
dh says she needs more socializing opportunities sometimes. I think her
reasons for fussing are about not being in control of the transition from
one mode (playing at home) to another. I also thinks she takes after her
father - doesn't mind doing less liked stuff as long as she gets to grumble
about it. (LOL) One thing that I tried with her, is to say "let's drive
over, but if you still don't want to do it, we'll go home again." I said
this with ice skating, and ultimately she decided she really didn't want to
skate any more just now. Sometimes she gets dressed in the car also, since
changing her clothes is one of the challenges to her ability to transition -
unless she's playing dress up of course!
However I suspect the issue with your son might be related to the need to
deschool for longer. (which is why I chose the snip above) It may be that he
is still expecting to be sent back, or hasn't grasped just how much free
time he has at home now. 2-3 weeks is a very short time really. Maybe he's
not ready to share you just yet? Maybe he's seeing scheduled activities of
any sort - even enjoyable crafting stuff - as being school like, with
expectations and judgments. Maybe I'm reading too much into your
description.
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Anyway, I figured as we left school behind, this behavior would resolve
itself. But it hasn't, at least not yet. Nearly every time we've been
scheduled
to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks, he's put
up
a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door. >>
Jayn (4) is like this sometimes, and yet usually enjoys the event once we
get there. I try to limit the other-than-us activities to one-on-one
playdates, since she has scheduled a Park Day and a Dance class weekly - my
dh says she needs more socializing opportunities sometimes. I think her
reasons for fussing are about not being in control of the transition from
one mode (playing at home) to another. I also thinks she takes after her
father - doesn't mind doing less liked stuff as long as she gets to grumble
about it. (LOL) One thing that I tried with her, is to say "let's drive
over, but if you still don't want to do it, we'll go home again." I said
this with ice skating, and ultimately she decided she really didn't want to
skate any more just now. Sometimes she gets dressed in the car also, since
changing her clothes is one of the challenges to her ability to transition -
unless she's playing dress up of course!
However I suspect the issue with your son might be related to the need to
deschool for longer. (which is why I chose the snip above) It may be that he
is still expecting to be sent back, or hasn't grasped just how much free
time he has at home now. 2-3 weeks is a very short time really. Maybe he's
not ready to share you just yet? Maybe he's seeing scheduled activities of
any sort - even enjoyable crafting stuff - as being school like, with
expectations and judgments. Maybe I'm reading too much into your
description.
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Andrea
At 10:10 PM 11/27/03 -0500, Amy wrote:
my eight-year-old, Eric. Eric likes to spend most of his time at home,
preferably in his underwear :-) The problem comes when his two brothers
want to go out and he refuses.
I find I have to give him lots of warning about outings. I remind him on
the morning when he gets up and let him know exactly when we will be
leaving. We don't have a car, so if we have to catch the bus I get us all
ready early if I can because he hates to be rushed and him resisting makes
me tense so we all end up unhappy. He might decide he hates the socks he
has on, or his jacket is annoying, or he can't get his shoes on exactly
right, so I like to have lots of time to calmly help him get ready.
I do sometimes tell him we are going when he doesn't want to go. In the
case of your friend who was going to stamp with your son, I would have
convinced Eric to go just as you did. We don't go out a lot through the
week, now, just gym day, library, usually a visit to a friend's house. In
the summer he would go to the beach quite happily most of the time. We
usually have another family over once a week or so and he enjoys that.
My youngest son, Simon, age 4, likes to go out and stay out - he never
wants to go home. I often take him out on at least one weekend day when his
Dad is home. We go to the library drop-in program, the farmer's market,
Discovery centre, a park when the weather is good, shopping - just about
anywhere.
Donna Andrea
>Nearly every time we've been scheduledHi Amy, your son sounds like he might have some personality in common with
>to get together with family or friends over the past couple weeks, he's
>put up
>a lot of resistance right when we need to be getting out the door.
my eight-year-old, Eric. Eric likes to spend most of his time at home,
preferably in his underwear :-) The problem comes when his two brothers
want to go out and he refuses.
I find I have to give him lots of warning about outings. I remind him on
the morning when he gets up and let him know exactly when we will be
leaving. We don't have a car, so if we have to catch the bus I get us all
ready early if I can because he hates to be rushed and him resisting makes
me tense so we all end up unhappy. He might decide he hates the socks he
has on, or his jacket is annoying, or he can't get his shoes on exactly
right, so I like to have lots of time to calmly help him get ready.
I do sometimes tell him we are going when he doesn't want to go. In the
case of your friend who was going to stamp with your son, I would have
convinced Eric to go just as you did. We don't go out a lot through the
week, now, just gym day, library, usually a visit to a friend's house. In
the summer he would go to the beach quite happily most of the time. We
usually have another family over once a week or so and he enjoys that.
My youngest son, Simon, age 4, likes to go out and stay out - he never
wants to go home. I often take him out on at least one weekend day when his
Dad is home. We go to the library drop-in program, the farmer's market,
Discovery centre, a park when the weather is good, shopping - just about
anywhere.
Donna Andrea
Andrea
I wanted to add my opinion that most children in school know they have no
choice but to go to school, day after day, no matter how much they dislike
it. When they learn they can say no to things, that they can choose not to
go to places and events they don't want to attend, there might be a lot of
refusal :-)
Maybe Fisher needs a good long time of refusing before he will say yes
again, or maybe his true nature is coming through and he is a person who is
content doing his own thing at home most of the time.
Donna
choice but to go to school, day after day, no matter how much they dislike
it. When they learn they can say no to things, that they can choose not to
go to places and events they don't want to attend, there might be a lot of
refusal :-)
Maybe Fisher needs a good long time of refusing before he will say yes
again, or maybe his true nature is coming through and he is a person who is
content doing his own thing at home most of the time.
Donna
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/28/2003 12:26:00 AM Eastern Standard Time,
sheran@... writes:
Imagine the constant hell school schedules must be, for families like
ours --
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sheran@... writes:
> One thing I've learned is that he can handle about one outing a weekI have a child like this now. And one who used to be.
> pretty well, but more than that is too much. So if someone invites
> us to go to their house on a Tuesday, the other 6 days of the week
> have to be spent at home for the most part. Little trips to the
> grocery store here and there are usually ok.
Imagine the constant hell school schedules must be, for families like
ours --
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/27/03 8:40:25 PM, arcarpenter@... writes:
<< Do I just need to
give this more time, or am I missing a piece of the puzzle? >>
I'm guessing both.
Give it LOTS more time, and give him time to grow up and through different
stages of maturity. He's really young.
Is here something he wants to be doing more of at home? Is he afraid he'll
miss something at home?
It helps Holly if she knows the day before what she's going to wear, which
jacket looks good with it, what time she's leaving, who's driving, etc.
It helps Marty to wake up over an hour before, and to arrange his stuff at
the house so that he feels really ready to go.
Would it help Fisher to do two things? And errand on the way to the
get-together? It might seem more "worth it" to go if the desination is one of two or
three places, and not just a foreign/other thing that's pulling him out of his
nest.
I'm guessing, based on things my kids have balked at in years past.
Sandra
<< Do I just need to
give this more time, or am I missing a piece of the puzzle? >>
I'm guessing both.
Give it LOTS more time, and give him time to grow up and through different
stages of maturity. He's really young.
Is here something he wants to be doing more of at home? Is he afraid he'll
miss something at home?
It helps Holly if she knows the day before what she's going to wear, which
jacket looks good with it, what time she's leaving, who's driving, etc.
It helps Marty to wake up over an hour before, and to arrange his stuff at
the house so that he feels really ready to go.
Would it help Fisher to do two things? And errand on the way to the
get-together? It might seem more "worth it" to go if the desination is one of two or
three places, and not just a foreign/other thing that's pulling him out of his
nest.
I'm guessing, based on things my kids have balked at in years past.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/28/03 11:23:35 AM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
working toward finding that piece that will help him feel in control of his part
of the situation. He has certain TV shows that he wants to watch everyday, so
I always make sure we tape those if there's any chance we'll be gone during
them. And it may be that he's not willing to share his papa and me with others
yet -- he already has to share with his baby brother, a still-new experience
in his life.
I feel better hearing that others have kids like this -- I don't know any in
"real life," so I feel like I keep having to explain ("no thanks, Fisher
doesn't feel like playing today, or tomorrow, or this week -- try us in a year or
two" <g>) On a personal level, I get it -- I'm a total homebody myself. But
he's always been a very sunny kid (though very clear on his own tasks and
interests) -- I guess I was scared that he was becoming "anti-social." Old
homeschooling fears arising, I think.
Anyway, thanks for the input, everyone!
Peace,
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> It helps Holly if she knows the day before what she's going to wear, whichYeah, I get the feeling it's something like this that's missing -- we're
> jacket looks good with it, what time she's leaving, who's driving, etc.
>
> It helps Marty to wake up over an hour before, and to arrange his stuff at
> the house so that he feels really ready to go.
>
working toward finding that piece that will help him feel in control of his part
of the situation. He has certain TV shows that he wants to watch everyday, so
I always make sure we tape those if there's any chance we'll be gone during
them. And it may be that he's not willing to share his papa and me with others
yet -- he already has to share with his baby brother, a still-new experience
in his life.
I feel better hearing that others have kids like this -- I don't know any in
"real life," so I feel like I keep having to explain ("no thanks, Fisher
doesn't feel like playing today, or tomorrow, or this week -- try us in a year or
two" <g>) On a personal level, I get it -- I'm a total homebody myself. But
he's always been a very sunny kid (though very clear on his own tasks and
interests) -- I guess I was scared that he was becoming "anti-social." Old
homeschooling fears arising, I think.
Anyway, thanks for the input, everyone!
Peace,
Amy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]