principles/rules (was True Freedom)
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In a message dated 11/27/03 9:51:57 AM, danielle.conger@... writes:
<< Asking permission
becomes a way of gauging their own sense of right and wrong because they
know that I will explain a no and help them come up with better
alternatives. >>
I really like what Danielle wrote, and it's seeming to tie right in with the
principles/rules ideas.
We announce when we're going to bed. Keith doesn't usually, but we assume if
it's past 10:00 p.m. he's probably gone back in the back to sleep. Even on
vacations he usually goes to bed early. He stayed up until 1:00 to play Encore
with a big group a week and a half ago, and it was notable.
If I say I'm going to bed, it's kind of a last call for me to help people do
something. If Holly says "I'm going to bed," and I'm up, it means she wants
me to go with her and help her and tuck her in. If Marty says "I'm going to
bed" it means he relinquishes the computer, and he's no longer available to
other teen-boys as a gaming partner. (Because of Kirby's schedule, he sometimes
is brought home by or brings home other gamers.) If Kirby says "I'm going to
bed" it might mean he's sick, because he's usually the last one down. <g>
But it deeply means "nobody gets my computer or X-Box until tomorrow."
We have a policy/rule/tradition <??> here of people telling where they're
going and when they might be back. We expect the kids to let us know where
they'll be, but it's easy for them to do, because we have always done that for
them. We always leave them phone numbers where we can be reached, if I'm going to
the movie with someone I tell them when theater I'll be in. It just makes
them feel secure. And so they have no qualms about telling us exactly where
they'll be, with whom, and giving us phone numbers. It just seems natural.
Keith left one day and didn't say where. He was gone a LONG time, like three
hours. I was shocked. He hadn't even gone to a movie. He had gone to buy
shoes, and he hates buying shoes. So he was traumatized enough and I didn't
press him to do better next time <g>. I think he knew if he had said he was
going to get shoes I would have offered to go and help, but I couldn't go that
day anyway. And if he declared "shoes" and came back without shoes, he would
have failed. So he just limped away (mentally limping) and came back with
two pairs of shoes, and some trauma to overcome.
The only problem was a friend of his had called and wanted to come and get
something from Keith and I had said he should come over and wait, that I figured
Keith had just gone to Lowe's or Costco and so should be back any time.
It's minor, but it's a good indication that it's deeply ingrained habit here.
Interestingly, the one way Kirby is irritating me since he has been able to
drive is that he doesn't leave enough and doesn't stay long as long as I expect
him to. Last night he told me he would take his friends home, and this
morning they're still here. I'm sure they just played until it was too late and
one of them was asleep and it was past midnight and Kirby can't legally drive
after midnight, so they stayed. A good decision, but I didn't expect it, and I
feel crowded.
Not a big deal. Kids are safe.
Last night Kirby had four other teens when he got home. We had made a
chicken casserole and saved Kirby one serving. Ooops. I had no easy plan of
action, but I had $20. I quietly on the side told Kirby I'd give him that $20 to
take them out for a cheap burger or pizza if he wanted, and he looked hurt! He
said "Do you not want us eating those pizzas and stuff?" (meaning the kid
freezer-food Keith keeps stocked)
When I was a kid I NEVER turned down money from my parents.
I NEVER turned down an offer to get out of there, or to eat elsewhere.
So I have $20 still, and Kirby's friends ate freezer-food (lean cuisine
chicken stuff or teriyaki chicken bowls or mini pizzas). But they didn't GO HOME!
LOL!
Sandra
<< Asking permission
becomes a way of gauging their own sense of right and wrong because they
know that I will explain a no and help them come up with better
alternatives. >>
I really like what Danielle wrote, and it's seeming to tie right in with the
principles/rules ideas.
We announce when we're going to bed. Keith doesn't usually, but we assume if
it's past 10:00 p.m. he's probably gone back in the back to sleep. Even on
vacations he usually goes to bed early. He stayed up until 1:00 to play Encore
with a big group a week and a half ago, and it was notable.
If I say I'm going to bed, it's kind of a last call for me to help people do
something. If Holly says "I'm going to bed," and I'm up, it means she wants
me to go with her and help her and tuck her in. If Marty says "I'm going to
bed" it means he relinquishes the computer, and he's no longer available to
other teen-boys as a gaming partner. (Because of Kirby's schedule, he sometimes
is brought home by or brings home other gamers.) If Kirby says "I'm going to
bed" it might mean he's sick, because he's usually the last one down. <g>
But it deeply means "nobody gets my computer or X-Box until tomorrow."
We have a policy/rule/tradition <??> here of people telling where they're
going and when they might be back. We expect the kids to let us know where
they'll be, but it's easy for them to do, because we have always done that for
them. We always leave them phone numbers where we can be reached, if I'm going to
the movie with someone I tell them when theater I'll be in. It just makes
them feel secure. And so they have no qualms about telling us exactly where
they'll be, with whom, and giving us phone numbers. It just seems natural.
Keith left one day and didn't say where. He was gone a LONG time, like three
hours. I was shocked. He hadn't even gone to a movie. He had gone to buy
shoes, and he hates buying shoes. So he was traumatized enough and I didn't
press him to do better next time <g>. I think he knew if he had said he was
going to get shoes I would have offered to go and help, but I couldn't go that
day anyway. And if he declared "shoes" and came back without shoes, he would
have failed. So he just limped away (mentally limping) and came back with
two pairs of shoes, and some trauma to overcome.
The only problem was a friend of his had called and wanted to come and get
something from Keith and I had said he should come over and wait, that I figured
Keith had just gone to Lowe's or Costco and so should be back any time.
It's minor, but it's a good indication that it's deeply ingrained habit here.
Interestingly, the one way Kirby is irritating me since he has been able to
drive is that he doesn't leave enough and doesn't stay long as long as I expect
him to. Last night he told me he would take his friends home, and this
morning they're still here. I'm sure they just played until it was too late and
one of them was asleep and it was past midnight and Kirby can't legally drive
after midnight, so they stayed. A good decision, but I didn't expect it, and I
feel crowded.
Not a big deal. Kids are safe.
Last night Kirby had four other teens when he got home. We had made a
chicken casserole and saved Kirby one serving. Ooops. I had no easy plan of
action, but I had $20. I quietly on the side told Kirby I'd give him that $20 to
take them out for a cheap burger or pizza if he wanted, and he looked hurt! He
said "Do you not want us eating those pizzas and stuff?" (meaning the kid
freezer-food Keith keeps stocked)
When I was a kid I NEVER turned down money from my parents.
I NEVER turned down an offer to get out of there, or to eat elsewhere.
So I have $20 still, and Kirby's friends ate freezer-food (lean cuisine
chicken stuff or teriyaki chicken bowls or mini pizzas). But they didn't GO HOME!
LOL!
Sandra