Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] neighbor kid rant and question
Sonia Ulan
Hi Nance,
This is ever-so-slightly off topic but my heart goes out to the
deprived/neglected/abandoned "street urchin" you mentioned. We actually
have one of those on our street too. I guess just about every
neighbourhood does. Is there ever a time you are able to show the poor
boy some kindness, as it is obvious he's really lacking in anyone caring
for him. When kids like that grow up they often become societal
problems we will all have to deal with on some level. Anything to help
the poor child along a different path if at all possible? I know, I
know, easier said than done...
Sonia
marbleface@... wrote:
This is ever-so-slightly off topic but my heart goes out to the
deprived/neglected/abandoned "street urchin" you mentioned. We actually
have one of those on our street too. I guess just about every
neighbourhood does. Is there ever a time you are able to show the poor
boy some kindness, as it is obvious he's really lacking in anyone caring
for him. When kids like that grow up they often become societal
problems we will all have to deal with on some level. Anything to help
the poor child along a different path if at all possible? I know, I
know, easier said than done...
Sonia
marbleface@... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 05/07/2000 4:29:13 PM !!!First Boot!!!, unschoolr2@...
> writes:
>
> << Even if it is
> just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
> child??? <g>
> Thanks
> Teri >>
>
> No. You're not horrible.
>
> How to tell tactfully tell someone they are not welcome?
>
> This would work if the person on the receiving end was at all in tune with
> the rest of the world and capable of receiving a tactful, subtle message.
>
> For example. We have a neighbor girl who I adore. She is welcome at our
> home at any time. But then dinner comes or we are going out and it is time
> for her to leave. All I have to say is: "OK, K, we are going to be having
> dinner soon." She says OK, see you later. Thanks. And she has the grace
> and manners to leave.
>
> She had been raised properly by caring and intelligent and decent parents.
>
> Then there is N. He is a little street urchin who, I predict, will end up in
> prison some day. He is on the street allllll the time, his mother is never
> home, I have never met her!, and he is "watched" by the mother's boyfriend
> (who I met once when I returned his 2 dogs who were wandering the streets. I
> think it is a pretty good description of this family to say that the dogs
> have never again been seen just wandering the street but the 6 yo boy is out
> all the time!) He is not yet so rowdy as to be a bad influence on my kids
> but I am not expecting this to be a long-range friendship.
>
> It would be completely useless for me to be subtle with N. He does not take
> hints. What I says to N is: "Go home. It is 6:00 (no, not 9:00 -- as he
> has told us this is the time he is expected home). And you have to go home
> now."
>
> Your neighbor is older. But obviously has not been raised to respect or even
> be aware of others. I have other neighbors with teen children and they are
> lovely and considerate. So I don't think it's a teen thing. I think it's a
> whole way of looking at the world. Being self-centered or not. Having been
> raised correctly or not. Etc.
>
> So ... my 2 cents (ha) is to forget about being subtle, forget about being
> good friends with these neighbors, and get on with your own thought-out life.
> Maybe I wouldn't agree with you about everything if we were neighbors, but
> my kid would not be making the sort of remarks this girl has made, and I
> wouldn't expect you to put up with it if they were this rude. Speak up.
> Tell her you don't talk like that in your house. That you have other
> interests. That bragging isn't what you do. Maybe it would be the first
> time in her life anyone suggested there was something else to talk about.
> Maybe she will storm off. Big loss? I don't think so. Maybe her mom will
> get huffy. Probably not. Probably won't give a good darn. But if she does,
> are you really this woman's bosom buddy anyway? Probably not going to happen.
>
> Well, I vented. Please excuse me. I just wanted to say you don't have to
> put up with any sort of smart-alec behavior you don't approve of and, on the
> other hand, you are the one who has to speak up.
>
> Good luck. It sounds unpleasant. But your other choice is to be a doormat
> for this boorish behavior.
>
> Nance
>
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In a message dated 05/07/2000 4:29:13 PM !!!First Boot!!!, unschoolr2@...
writes:
<< Even if it is
just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
child??? <g>
Thanks
Teri >>
No. You're not horrible.
How to tell tactfully tell someone they are not welcome?
This would work if the person on the receiving end was at all in tune with
the rest of the world and capable of receiving a tactful, subtle message.
For example. We have a neighbor girl who I adore. She is welcome at our
home at any time. But then dinner comes or we are going out and it is time
for her to leave. All I have to say is: "OK, K, we are going to be having
dinner soon." She says OK, see you later. Thanks. And she has the grace
and manners to leave.
She had been raised properly by caring and intelligent and decent parents.
Then there is N. He is a little street urchin who, I predict, will end up in
prison some day. He is on the street allllll the time, his mother is never
home, I have never met her!, and he is "watched" by the mother's boyfriend
(who I met once when I returned his 2 dogs who were wandering the streets. I
think it is a pretty good description of this family to say that the dogs
have never again been seen just wandering the street but the 6 yo boy is out
all the time!) He is not yet so rowdy as to be a bad influence on my kids
but I am not expecting this to be a long-range friendship.
It would be completely useless for me to be subtle with N. He does not take
hints. What I says to N is: "Go home. It is 6:00 (no, not 9:00 -- as he
has told us this is the time he is expected home). And you have to go home
now."
Your neighbor is older. But obviously has not been raised to respect or even
be aware of others. I have other neighbors with teen children and they are
lovely and considerate. So I don't think it's a teen thing. I think it's a
whole way of looking at the world. Being self-centered or not. Having been
raised correctly or not. Etc.
So ... my 2 cents (ha) is to forget about being subtle, forget about being
good friends with these neighbors, and get on with your own thought-out life.
Maybe I wouldn't agree with you about everything if we were neighbors, but
my kid would not be making the sort of remarks this girl has made, and I
wouldn't expect you to put up with it if they were this rude. Speak up.
Tell her you don't talk like that in your house. That you have other
interests. That bragging isn't what you do. Maybe it would be the first
time in her life anyone suggested there was something else to talk about.
Maybe she will storm off. Big loss? I don't think so. Maybe her mom will
get huffy. Probably not. Probably won't give a good darn. But if she does,
are you really this woman's bosom buddy anyway? Probably not going to happen.
Well, I vented. Please excuse me. I just wanted to say you don't have to
put up with any sort of smart-alec behavior you don't approve of and, on the
other hand, you are the one who has to speak up.
Good luck. It sounds unpleasant. But your other choice is to be a doormat
for this boorish behavior.
Nance
writes:
<< Even if it is
just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
child??? <g>
Thanks
Teri >>
No. You're not horrible.
How to tell tactfully tell someone they are not welcome?
This would work if the person on the receiving end was at all in tune with
the rest of the world and capable of receiving a tactful, subtle message.
For example. We have a neighbor girl who I adore. She is welcome at our
home at any time. But then dinner comes or we are going out and it is time
for her to leave. All I have to say is: "OK, K, we are going to be having
dinner soon." She says OK, see you later. Thanks. And she has the grace
and manners to leave.
She had been raised properly by caring and intelligent and decent parents.
Then there is N. He is a little street urchin who, I predict, will end up in
prison some day. He is on the street allllll the time, his mother is never
home, I have never met her!, and he is "watched" by the mother's boyfriend
(who I met once when I returned his 2 dogs who were wandering the streets. I
think it is a pretty good description of this family to say that the dogs
have never again been seen just wandering the street but the 6 yo boy is out
all the time!) He is not yet so rowdy as to be a bad influence on my kids
but I am not expecting this to be a long-range friendship.
It would be completely useless for me to be subtle with N. He does not take
hints. What I says to N is: "Go home. It is 6:00 (no, not 9:00 -- as he
has told us this is the time he is expected home). And you have to go home
now."
Your neighbor is older. But obviously has not been raised to respect or even
be aware of others. I have other neighbors with teen children and they are
lovely and considerate. So I don't think it's a teen thing. I think it's a
whole way of looking at the world. Being self-centered or not. Having been
raised correctly or not. Etc.
So ... my 2 cents (ha) is to forget about being subtle, forget about being
good friends with these neighbors, and get on with your own thought-out life.
Maybe I wouldn't agree with you about everything if we were neighbors, but
my kid would not be making the sort of remarks this girl has made, and I
wouldn't expect you to put up with it if they were this rude. Speak up.
Tell her you don't talk like that in your house. That you have other
interests. That bragging isn't what you do. Maybe it would be the first
time in her life anyone suggested there was something else to talk about.
Maybe she will storm off. Big loss? I don't think so. Maybe her mom will
get huffy. Probably not. Probably won't give a good darn. But if she does,
are you really this woman's bosom buddy anyway? Probably not going to happen.
Well, I vented. Please excuse me. I just wanted to say you don't have to
put up with any sort of smart-alec behavior you don't approve of and, on the
other hand, you are the one who has to speak up.
Good luck. It sounds unpleasant. But your other choice is to be a doormat
for this boorish behavior.
Nance
Tracy Oldfield
I like this idea, but I don't think I'd be able to keep my
face straight :-) What about the old 'killing her with kindness' thing,
actually invite her round, but while she's visiting, you stick to behaviour
ground rules like no gloating, etc, cos it makes others feel bad. I've
just finished re-reading Faber & Mazlish's 'Siblings Without Rivalry' and I
think that as long as she knows that it's not acceptable to you to behave that
way, she might just hold off while she's in your presence. There was a
similar discussion to this on another list, (different circumstances, but still)
and the response I liked most was that the children could get together at the
concerned mum's house, but not at the other, it was a case of inadequate
supervision (in the eyes of the parent on the list) Treat her with
respect, but not at the expense of your own children. And no I don't think
you're an ogre to think this way about other children, there is one on my street
who I'm not keen on either :-)
Good Luck!
Tracy
----- Original Message -----From: george howardSent: Sunday, May 07, 2000 9:01 PMSubject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] neighbor kid rant and questionHi Teri, it's obvious you feel guilty about having negative feelings about a
child, but don't let that stand in the way of your continuing to do what is
right for your kids! I went to public school and although it was 20 years
ago I remember some 13 year old girls as being incredibly nasty. They seemed
to delight in making other girls miserable.
The best way to talk to the girl's mother might be to take all the blame
onto yourself, or your kids, rather than suggest anything unpleasant about
her daughter. Maybe mention how mature and grown up her daughter is, and how
the combination of that and her "material advantages" is causing some real
self-esteem problems for your daughter, who just can't compare with hers in
all her wonderfullness. (Try not to snicker)
Neighbor Mom will probably think to herself that it is understandable that
her darling might be intimidating to others not so lucky, and explain to her
daughter that there will always be those who are jealous of her gifts. Of
course, this wouldn't work if you can't keep a straight face. Best of
Luck--Allison
george howard
Hi Teri, it's obvious you feel guilty about having negative feelings about a
child, but don't let that stand in the way of your continuing to do what is
right for your kids! I went to public school and although it was 20 years
ago I remember some 13 year old girls as being incredibly nasty. They seemed
to delight in making other girls miserable.
The best way to talk to the girl's mother might be to take all the blame
onto yourself, or your kids, rather than suggest anything unpleasant about
her daughter. Maybe mention how mature and grown up her daughter is, and how
the combination of that and her "material advantages" is causing some real
self-esteem problems for your daughter, who just can't compare with hers in
all her wonderfullness. (Try not to snicker)
Neighbor Mom will probably think to herself that it is understandable that
her darling might be intimidating to others not so lucky, and explain to her
daughter that there will always be those who are jealous of her gifts. Of
course, this wouldn't work if you can't keep a straight face. Best of
Luck--Allison
child, but don't let that stand in the way of your continuing to do what is
right for your kids! I went to public school and although it was 20 years
ago I remember some 13 year old girls as being incredibly nasty. They seemed
to delight in making other girls miserable.
The best way to talk to the girl's mother might be to take all the blame
onto yourself, or your kids, rather than suggest anything unpleasant about
her daughter. Maybe mention how mature and grown up her daughter is, and how
the combination of that and her "material advantages" is causing some real
self-esteem problems for your daughter, who just can't compare with hers in
all her wonderfullness. (Try not to snicker)
Neighbor Mom will probably think to herself that it is understandable that
her darling might be intimidating to others not so lucky, and explain to her
daughter that there will always be those who are jealous of her gifts. Of
course, this wouldn't work if you can't keep a straight face. Best of
Luck--Allison
----- Original Message -----
From: <unschoolr2@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Sunday, May 07, 2000 9:28 AM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] neighbor kid rant and question
> Hi all,
>
> I have a question, I came to you all because many of you know how I feel
> about the things I am going to talk about.
>
> I have a problem with the neighbor girl. My ds and dd are 10 and 9. The
> neighbor girl is 13 and public schooled. Now I know many very sweet ps
teens
> so please don't think I am being purely prejudice. I feel like an ogre
when I
> say that I can't stand this girl. She is one of the most self centered
people
> I have ever met, adult or child. Almost to the point of being sociopathic.
I
> have tried to keep my children and her fairly separate over the past three
> years, simply because this girl welds the age thing over my children's
heads
> so effectively. The power is not equal, you know what I mean? She is very
> manipulative and talks incessantly about what her parents buy her, how
much
> her clothes cost, how she has a horse, (which my dd in the middle of a
horse
> phase would love to have.) and I feel it is breeding discontent, in my
> daughter especially. We have chosen to live more deliberately. We have
told
> our children many times why we live as we do, so that we can spend more
time
> together, do more things together ect.
>
> For some reason my kids seem to hang on her every word. Which frustrates
me
> to know end as I have tried to raise them outside the box. I am not an
> isolationist. I want my children to be exposed to a variety of ideas and
> people. But I am worried about the influence the girl will have on my
> daughter. They have plenty of friends but this girl is so close that it is
> hard. I am not especially welcoming to this child but she doesn't take the
> hint very well. I feel horrible..... she is just a child.... but really I
> don't feel like this is good for my DD who seems to be easily influenced.
>
> So the question. Do I just say enough is enough tell the neighbor lady
> sweetly that I feel her dughter is just too old to play with my daughter?
> Which, of course, is going to create horrible neighborhood relations. I
have
> tried just keeping the kids otherwise occupied when she is around but I
don't
> want to feel like I can't even let my kids out to play!!!!! LOL This girls
> best friend, across the street, will be moving away and summer is
> coming.......I see conflict ahead. Any advice???? Any at all??? Even if it
is
> just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
> child??? <g>
> Thanks
> Teri
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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In a message dated 05/08/2000 11:00:41 AM !!!First Boot!!!, sulan@...
writes:
<< Is there ever a time you are able to show the poor
boy some kindness, as it is obvious he's really lacking in anyone caring
for him. When kids like that grow up they often become societal
problems we will all have to deal with on some level. Anything to help
the poor child along a different path if at all possible? I know, I
know, easier said than done...
Sonia >>
Yep. He's at our house all the time. But at arms length. He's not as
welcome for as long as he would like -- which seems to be forever. But I not
going to adopt him :) so he just stops by and he plays and then I send him
"home" -- I'm pretty sure he never actually goes home from here. As I said,
I predict he ends up in prison. Even in our middle class/working class
normal neighborhood, everybody knows where to go if you want drugs or other
trouble. So, it shouldn't take him long. There was another crop of these
boys a few years back. The oldest now has a job at the local supermarket.
This after having been arrested several times and then finally becoming
what-looks-to-be partially disabled due to a drug overdose. This is
conjecture on my part from knowing he and some other neighbor kids had to be
rushed to the hospital from eating some sort of flower that is popular around
here and now he looks like a mini-hunchback and has apparently straightened
out a little, gotten this job anyway. His younger brother (9?) still roams
the street. These are the children of one of the local police officers.
Yep, I know it's a harsh old world out there and that this is one way kids
get started in the job of screwing up their lives and it is, in my mind, very
largely the parents' fault -- but I can't fix it. I let the kid in to play
sometimes but that's as far as it goes.
Nance
writes:
<< Is there ever a time you are able to show the poor
boy some kindness, as it is obvious he's really lacking in anyone caring
for him. When kids like that grow up they often become societal
problems we will all have to deal with on some level. Anything to help
the poor child along a different path if at all possible? I know, I
know, easier said than done...
Sonia >>
Yep. He's at our house all the time. But at arms length. He's not as
welcome for as long as he would like -- which seems to be forever. But I not
going to adopt him :) so he just stops by and he plays and then I send him
"home" -- I'm pretty sure he never actually goes home from here. As I said,
I predict he ends up in prison. Even in our middle class/working class
normal neighborhood, everybody knows where to go if you want drugs or other
trouble. So, it shouldn't take him long. There was another crop of these
boys a few years back. The oldest now has a job at the local supermarket.
This after having been arrested several times and then finally becoming
what-looks-to-be partially disabled due to a drug overdose. This is
conjecture on my part from knowing he and some other neighbor kids had to be
rushed to the hospital from eating some sort of flower that is popular around
here and now he looks like a mini-hunchback and has apparently straightened
out a little, gotten this job anyway. His younger brother (9?) still roams
the street. These are the children of one of the local police officers.
Yep, I know it's a harsh old world out there and that this is one way kids
get started in the job of screwing up their lives and it is, in my mind, very
largely the parents' fault -- but I can't fix it. I let the kid in to play
sometimes but that's as far as it goes.
Nance
Marcy Ellis
Teri,
I don't think you're an ogre at all. I guess we're all familiar with this
kind of situation. We moved here just last Nov. And the kids have found
other short people to play with. Wonderful! However, we've come to find
out that the family directly behind us, across the alley, have a tendency
towards lying.
I am not keen on lying. First it was my son coming home telling me that C
was kinda mean and had lied to him about this or that. So, I advised my son
to play, have fun, but know that C is just this way. If he should ever feel
that C is leading them into something "wrong" or is simply uncomfortable
around C, that he's just to come home for a while. Then my little girl was
out playing when C's older sister came over to play with her. The girl, K,
is really too old for Mackenzie. But, I thought, no big deal, they are
where I could see them. Well, after a while, Mackenzie and K came into the
house. M said that K asked her to go play at her house. I agreed thinking
that after a short time, I'd go get her. My daughter's NEARLY 5, and K is
about 11.
Well, I didn't have to go get her. After a while, M came home and said "I'm
here, Mom, where are we going?" I told her we weren't going anywhere and
asked her why she tho't we were. She said that K's Mom had told her that
she had to go home now, cuz her Mom (me) was calling her and that we were
gonna go somewhere. I was livid!!!
I told Mackenzie that I had not been calling for her; but that I DID want
her home. I told her that K was really too old for her and that I did not
want her to play with K anymore. I then became the "stand-in-friend" for
Mackenzie...as there aren't any little girls her age in the neighborhood.
Anyway, I was so disgusted. Gee, how difficult is it to use your brain and
come up with a statement like "M....we have somethings we need to do today,
you'll have to go home now..." or whatever??? But, God forbid we should
over-exert ourselves mentally!!! I nearly went over and banged on her
back-door and explained just how low I felt that was. Not only did she lie
to a four yr. old, but involved ME in it as well.
HOWEVER... I did not. I had developed a bit of a bad attitude toward C
already. And now, not holding his mother in high esteem. I know better
than to think it's my job to "save the world". But, I believe very much
that, if we're willing, we can make a difference in our own little corner of
the world. I also know my ability to annihilate others verbally when I'm
angry. I have learned to use my powers for good and not for evil. (I hope.)
:)
C had been in our home a few times, full of boastings and tall tales and I
was very smart-mouthed toward him. My way of letting him know, I didn't buy
his "stuff". OBVIOUSLY, he can't help that he's being raised by an idiot.
:) ha ha It's a ferocious cycle. I'm sure she has reasons for having
become a mindless, careless boob.
Anyway....I do want to be a help to people (in general). Now, me
personally, I'm not open to people who're looking down their schnoz at me in
disgust. I will not allow that person to help me in anyway. None of us are
open to being rejected. So, I've chosen to be kind and understanding. I
haven't confronted the Mom, and won't unless it really is necessary. As for
C, well, the last time I saw him, he burst into my house unannouced, yelling
for my son. I caught him, and told him that Josh wasn't home. And very
calmly and politely (tho' I could NOT believe the nerve of this kid to enter
my home without so much as a knock or ringing the doorbell), I said
"Charlie, please do NOT come into my house again without first knocking or
ringing the doorbell."
"I did ring the doorbell" he said. "No, Charlie. If you had, I would've
heard it. From now on, you stay outside until I come to the door. You'll
have to wait; but I promise if you ring the bell I WILL come. Okay?!!!" I
told him. He agreed.
My son still plays with C on occasion; but it's gotten to the point that
I've told Josh that he's only allowed to play with him when others are
around. Not alone. And I've told him that he isn't have to say anything
mean or hurtful back at C. He's the way he is and acting like him isn't
going to help.
Do what you feel is best for your children and explain to them why. Even
politely telling the older girl the rules of your household and letting her
know she must abide by them when she's there. Maybe making the rule that
your kids are only allowed around her at your home.
You are a kind and tho'tful person. You'll think of a way of protecting
your kids without crushing this other child. And if the girl's Mom, is
somehow offended in the process, consider the source. You have to do what
is best for your family.
Well, that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. :) :) :)
Have a good day!
~~~Marcy~~~
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com
I don't think you're an ogre at all. I guess we're all familiar with this
kind of situation. We moved here just last Nov. And the kids have found
other short people to play with. Wonderful! However, we've come to find
out that the family directly behind us, across the alley, have a tendency
towards lying.
I am not keen on lying. First it was my son coming home telling me that C
was kinda mean and had lied to him about this or that. So, I advised my son
to play, have fun, but know that C is just this way. If he should ever feel
that C is leading them into something "wrong" or is simply uncomfortable
around C, that he's just to come home for a while. Then my little girl was
out playing when C's older sister came over to play with her. The girl, K,
is really too old for Mackenzie. But, I thought, no big deal, they are
where I could see them. Well, after a while, Mackenzie and K came into the
house. M said that K asked her to go play at her house. I agreed thinking
that after a short time, I'd go get her. My daughter's NEARLY 5, and K is
about 11.
Well, I didn't have to go get her. After a while, M came home and said "I'm
here, Mom, where are we going?" I told her we weren't going anywhere and
asked her why she tho't we were. She said that K's Mom had told her that
she had to go home now, cuz her Mom (me) was calling her and that we were
gonna go somewhere. I was livid!!!
I told Mackenzie that I had not been calling for her; but that I DID want
her home. I told her that K was really too old for her and that I did not
want her to play with K anymore. I then became the "stand-in-friend" for
Mackenzie...as there aren't any little girls her age in the neighborhood.
Anyway, I was so disgusted. Gee, how difficult is it to use your brain and
come up with a statement like "M....we have somethings we need to do today,
you'll have to go home now..." or whatever??? But, God forbid we should
over-exert ourselves mentally!!! I nearly went over and banged on her
back-door and explained just how low I felt that was. Not only did she lie
to a four yr. old, but involved ME in it as well.
HOWEVER... I did not. I had developed a bit of a bad attitude toward C
already. And now, not holding his mother in high esteem. I know better
than to think it's my job to "save the world". But, I believe very much
that, if we're willing, we can make a difference in our own little corner of
the world. I also know my ability to annihilate others verbally when I'm
angry. I have learned to use my powers for good and not for evil. (I hope.)
:)
C had been in our home a few times, full of boastings and tall tales and I
was very smart-mouthed toward him. My way of letting him know, I didn't buy
his "stuff". OBVIOUSLY, he can't help that he's being raised by an idiot.
:) ha ha It's a ferocious cycle. I'm sure she has reasons for having
become a mindless, careless boob.
Anyway....I do want to be a help to people (in general). Now, me
personally, I'm not open to people who're looking down their schnoz at me in
disgust. I will not allow that person to help me in anyway. None of us are
open to being rejected. So, I've chosen to be kind and understanding. I
haven't confronted the Mom, and won't unless it really is necessary. As for
C, well, the last time I saw him, he burst into my house unannouced, yelling
for my son. I caught him, and told him that Josh wasn't home. And very
calmly and politely (tho' I could NOT believe the nerve of this kid to enter
my home without so much as a knock or ringing the doorbell), I said
"Charlie, please do NOT come into my house again without first knocking or
ringing the doorbell."
"I did ring the doorbell" he said. "No, Charlie. If you had, I would've
heard it. From now on, you stay outside until I come to the door. You'll
have to wait; but I promise if you ring the bell I WILL come. Okay?!!!" I
told him. He agreed.
My son still plays with C on occasion; but it's gotten to the point that
I've told Josh that he's only allowed to play with him when others are
around. Not alone. And I've told him that he isn't have to say anything
mean or hurtful back at C. He's the way he is and acting like him isn't
going to help.
Do what you feel is best for your children and explain to them why. Even
politely telling the older girl the rules of your household and letting her
know she must abide by them when she's there. Maybe making the rule that
your kids are only allowed around her at your home.
You are a kind and tho'tful person. You'll think of a way of protecting
your kids without crushing this other child. And if the girl's Mom, is
somehow offended in the process, consider the source. You have to do what
is best for your family.
Well, that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth. :) :) :)
Have a good day!
~~~Marcy~~~
>From: unschoolr2@...________________________________________________________________________
>Reply-To: [email protected]
>To: [email protected]
>Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] neighbor kid rant and question
>Date: Sun, 7 May 2000 12:28:07 EDT
>
>Hi all,
>
>I have a question, I came to you all because many of you know how I feel
>about the things I am going to talk about.
>
>I have a problem with the neighbor girl. My ds and dd are 10 and 9. The
>neighbor girl is 13 and public schooled. Now I know many very sweet ps
>teens
>so please don't think I am being purely prejudice. I feel like an ogre when
>I
>say that I can't stand this girl. She is one of the most self centered
>people
>I have ever met, adult or child. Almost to the point of being sociopathic.
>I
>have tried to keep my children and her fairly separate over the past three
>years, simply because this girl welds the age thing over my children's
>heads
>so effectively. The power is not equal, you know what I mean? She is very
>manipulative and talks incessantly about what her parents buy her, how much
>her clothes cost, how she has a horse, (which my dd in the middle of a
>horse
>phase would love to have.) and I feel it is breeding discontent, in my
>daughter especially. We have chosen to live more deliberately. We have told
>our children many times why we live as we do, so that we can spend more
>time
>together, do more things together ect.
>
>For some reason my kids seem to hang on her every word. Which frustrates me
>to know end as I have tried to raise them outside the box. I am not an
>isolationist. I want my children to be exposed to a variety of ideas and
>people. But I am worried about the influence the girl will have on my
>daughter. They have plenty of friends but this girl is so close that it is
>hard. I am not especially welcoming to this child but she doesn't take the
>hint very well. I feel horrible..... she is just a child.... but really I
>don't feel like this is good for my DD who seems to be easily influenced.
>
>So the question. Do I just say enough is enough tell the neighbor lady
>sweetly that I feel her dughter is just too old to play with my daughter?
>Which, of course, is going to create horrible neighborhood relations. I
>have
>tried just keeping the kids otherwise occupied when she is around but I
>don't
>want to feel like I can't even let my kids out to play!!!!! LOL This girls
>best friend, across the street, will be moving away and summer is
>coming.......I see conflict ahead. Any advice???? Any at all??? Even if it
>is
>just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
>child??? <g>
>Thanks
>Teri
Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com
susan
hi,
i guess my 2 cents would be set up ground rules w/ both your dd's and the
neighbor girl. you take the position of authority and say: 'we have a different
value structure then the one you are talking about, we value time together above
all else. i think it's wonderful that you have many beautiful things and i know
my dd's would love to have a horse but we do things a little different.' then
explain to her what you value and how your day looks. that way you remove the
element of judging and comparing lifestyles and turn the situation to a learning
experience for the neighbor girl (broaden her horizons so to speak) and at the
same time 'disempower' her because, as you have described this girl (and pop
culture/ps re-inforces this), she appears to believe that because she was more
material things she is better (and perhaps more powerful) than those who have
less. the reality is it's apples and oranges and lifestyles and personal values
are not comparable they just are.
it's hard to know why people do what they do but if you set up some boundaries
and this girl doesn't respect them (i.e. rubbing it in that she has things your
dd's don't) she isn't being a friend and then you need to act. it would be a
good lesson for your dd's learn how to discern who is being friendly and who is
not, as well as learn not to envy what other's have but to relish what they
themselves have. we are on the poor side and my son is very aware that other
have things that we don't have (and vice versa), for both reasons of finance and
lifestyle, and he's learned to see the world differently and appreciate what we
have as a family.
good luck,
susan, thad
& rene' 4
austin, tx
'unity through diversity'
unschoolr2@... wrote:
i guess my 2 cents would be set up ground rules w/ both your dd's and the
neighbor girl. you take the position of authority and say: 'we have a different
value structure then the one you are talking about, we value time together above
all else. i think it's wonderful that you have many beautiful things and i know
my dd's would love to have a horse but we do things a little different.' then
explain to her what you value and how your day looks. that way you remove the
element of judging and comparing lifestyles and turn the situation to a learning
experience for the neighbor girl (broaden her horizons so to speak) and at the
same time 'disempower' her because, as you have described this girl (and pop
culture/ps re-inforces this), she appears to believe that because she was more
material things she is better (and perhaps more powerful) than those who have
less. the reality is it's apples and oranges and lifestyles and personal values
are not comparable they just are.
it's hard to know why people do what they do but if you set up some boundaries
and this girl doesn't respect them (i.e. rubbing it in that she has things your
dd's don't) she isn't being a friend and then you need to act. it would be a
good lesson for your dd's learn how to discern who is being friendly and who is
not, as well as learn not to envy what other's have but to relish what they
themselves have. we are on the poor side and my son is very aware that other
have things that we don't have (and vice versa), for both reasons of finance and
lifestyle, and he's learned to see the world differently and appreciate what we
have as a family.
good luck,
susan, thad
& rene' 4
austin, tx
'unity through diversity'
unschoolr2@... wrote:
> Hi all,
>
> I have a question, I came to you all because many of you know how I feel
> about the things I am going to talk about.
>
> I have a problem with the neighbor girl. My ds and dd are 10 and 9. The
> neighbor girl is 13 and public schooled. Now I know many very sweet ps teens
> so please don't think I am being purely prejudice. I feel like an ogre when I
> say that I can't stand this girl. She is one of the most self centered people
> I have ever met, adult or child. Almost to the point of being sociopathic. I
> have tried to keep my children and her fairly separate over the past three
> years, simply because this girl welds the age thing over my children's heads
> so effectively. The power is not equal, you know what I mean? She is very
> manipulative and talks incessantly about what her parents buy her, how much
> her clothes cost, how she has a horse, (which my dd in the middle of a horse
> phase would love to have.) and I feel it is breeding discontent, in my
> daughter especially. We have chosen to live more deliberately. We have told
> our children many times why we live as we do, so that we can spend more time
> together, do more things together ect.
>
> For some reason my kids seem to hang on her every word. Which frustrates me
> to know end as I have tried to raise them outside the box. I am not an
> isolationist. I want my children to be exposed to a variety of ideas and
> people. But I am worried about the influence the girl will have on my
> daughter. They have plenty of friends but this girl is so close that it is
> hard. I am not especially welcoming to this child but she doesn't take the
> hint very well. I feel horrible..... she is just a child.... but really I
> don't feel like this is good for my DD who seems to be easily influenced.
>
> So the question. Do I just say enough is enough tell the neighbor lady
> sweetly that I feel her dughter is just too old to play with my daughter?
> Which, of course, is going to create horrible neighborhood relations. I have
> tried just keeping the kids otherwise occupied when she is around but I don't
> want to feel like I can't even let my kids out to play!!!!! LOL This girls
> best friend, across the street, will be moving away and summer is
> coming.......I see conflict ahead. Any advice???? Any at all??? Even if it is
> just to tell me how horrible I am for having such a deep dislike for a
> child??? <g>
> Thanks
> Teri
>
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