Rant - Disrespectful Parenting (LONG)
crazeemom77043
I am feeling so sad right now. You know, the decisions we make as
parents affect so much more than ourselves and our immediate
families. They affect other people too -- parents of our childrens'
friends, for instance, especially those who don't parent the same way
we do, and then divisions happen. I'm watching an old friendship
die, and a potential one wither, and it makes me very sad.
We have always practiced what I call respectful parenting. We have
tried our best, over the years, not to be authoritarian in any way,
but to engender an atmosphere of mutual respect in our home. As a
result, we have often allowed our children to make their own
mistakes, and then helped them to learn how to maturely face the
consequences of their actions.
Well, my dd, Nikki, is now 18 and is off at college. We were unable
to get her on-campus housing, so against our initial instincts,
rented her an apartment near campus. Her best friend attends the
same school, and got on the dorm list early enough. We adore this
girl -- she is almost like a second daughter to us, and we have made
good friends with her single mother, though we have sometimes quietly
questioned her parenting style.
Well, a month ago our dd informed us that she wants to have her
boyfriend move in with her. Surprisingly, I wasn't as distressed by
the news as I always imagined I might be. I figure, if she's going
to be sleeping with a long-term (almost a year) boyfriend anyway, why
not be honest about it? I really would prefer that she not make this
decision at this time -- I wish she'd waited awhile, but the fact of
the matter is that she's in this intense relationship, and things are
going to happen no matter what we say or do. We've talked about
staying focused on priorities and about self-protection, and about
all those other things, but basically this is her decision. Yes, we
are paying her rent, but if we refused to allow this, he'd just be
there all the time anyway. What are we going to do -- put her into a
chastity belt? Even if she were in the dorm, they'd be finding
ways. I was 18 once, too. I remember. I figure that we got 18
years to help her to develop an internal moral, ethical,
psychologically mature compass (or to begin to). Now she's got to
figure it out on her own. And we're here to help, support, and love
her as she stumbles through it.
I just found out today that her friend's mother has pronounced Nikki
a slut, and has forbidden her daughter to have anything more to do
with her. (Yeah, like that's going to happen.) What makes me so sad
about this is that last year, when her daughter had a miscarriage
after an unplanned pregnancy, we stood by Nik's friend and loved her
through the trauma of it all. We have encouraged and supported her
as her mother has called her fat, has refused to get her help for
learning disabilities in school, has grounded her for bad grades,
blah, blah, blah. And she has the nerve to call my daughter a slut
and to write her off, just like that, after all these years of
supposedly caring for her too?
We had something similar (in a way) to this happen recently to my
son, too. He's 15, still at home, very independent thinking. He
played a joke at a party a couple of months ago, patterned on
something he'd seen on a stupid TV show that he likes to watch -- I
think it's called *Jackass.* Just silly juvenile stuff, but actually
pretty funny, I thought, when he told me about it. He sniffed dried
mustard as a stunt. He didn't do it to try to get high or anything,
he was just being silly. He's 15. Wrong. The parents of the boy
who was hosting the party are traditional school-at-homers, and
they've decided that my ds is a bad influence on their precious boy --
will lead him off into a druggie lifestyle or something. He is no
longer welcome at their house.
When in the WORLD did I become such a bad parent? I have two
children who love and respect me and their dad, who are responsible
and fun to be with. They care about themselves, others, and the
world they live in. They have hopes and plans for the future. They
dream big. And they think for themselves. They are independent.
Have wild senses of humor. (MUSTARD?!) They have seen love modeled
in their home and believe that they have the right to experience that
sort of love, themselves, and are not afraid to take a risk, to go
after it. I happen to think they're pretty cool.
How is it that, by choosing this path of respectful parenting, I now
am having to cushion my loving, fresh, free children from the
criticism of a world that says there's something wrong with them?
Grrr.
Laura B.
parents affect so much more than ourselves and our immediate
families. They affect other people too -- parents of our childrens'
friends, for instance, especially those who don't parent the same way
we do, and then divisions happen. I'm watching an old friendship
die, and a potential one wither, and it makes me very sad.
We have always practiced what I call respectful parenting. We have
tried our best, over the years, not to be authoritarian in any way,
but to engender an atmosphere of mutual respect in our home. As a
result, we have often allowed our children to make their own
mistakes, and then helped them to learn how to maturely face the
consequences of their actions.
Well, my dd, Nikki, is now 18 and is off at college. We were unable
to get her on-campus housing, so against our initial instincts,
rented her an apartment near campus. Her best friend attends the
same school, and got on the dorm list early enough. We adore this
girl -- she is almost like a second daughter to us, and we have made
good friends with her single mother, though we have sometimes quietly
questioned her parenting style.
Well, a month ago our dd informed us that she wants to have her
boyfriend move in with her. Surprisingly, I wasn't as distressed by
the news as I always imagined I might be. I figure, if she's going
to be sleeping with a long-term (almost a year) boyfriend anyway, why
not be honest about it? I really would prefer that she not make this
decision at this time -- I wish she'd waited awhile, but the fact of
the matter is that she's in this intense relationship, and things are
going to happen no matter what we say or do. We've talked about
staying focused on priorities and about self-protection, and about
all those other things, but basically this is her decision. Yes, we
are paying her rent, but if we refused to allow this, he'd just be
there all the time anyway. What are we going to do -- put her into a
chastity belt? Even if she were in the dorm, they'd be finding
ways. I was 18 once, too. I remember. I figure that we got 18
years to help her to develop an internal moral, ethical,
psychologically mature compass (or to begin to). Now she's got to
figure it out on her own. And we're here to help, support, and love
her as she stumbles through it.
I just found out today that her friend's mother has pronounced Nikki
a slut, and has forbidden her daughter to have anything more to do
with her. (Yeah, like that's going to happen.) What makes me so sad
about this is that last year, when her daughter had a miscarriage
after an unplanned pregnancy, we stood by Nik's friend and loved her
through the trauma of it all. We have encouraged and supported her
as her mother has called her fat, has refused to get her help for
learning disabilities in school, has grounded her for bad grades,
blah, blah, blah. And she has the nerve to call my daughter a slut
and to write her off, just like that, after all these years of
supposedly caring for her too?
We had something similar (in a way) to this happen recently to my
son, too. He's 15, still at home, very independent thinking. He
played a joke at a party a couple of months ago, patterned on
something he'd seen on a stupid TV show that he likes to watch -- I
think it's called *Jackass.* Just silly juvenile stuff, but actually
pretty funny, I thought, when he told me about it. He sniffed dried
mustard as a stunt. He didn't do it to try to get high or anything,
he was just being silly. He's 15. Wrong. The parents of the boy
who was hosting the party are traditional school-at-homers, and
they've decided that my ds is a bad influence on their precious boy --
will lead him off into a druggie lifestyle or something. He is no
longer welcome at their house.
When in the WORLD did I become such a bad parent? I have two
children who love and respect me and their dad, who are responsible
and fun to be with. They care about themselves, others, and the
world they live in. They have hopes and plans for the future. They
dream big. And they think for themselves. They are independent.
Have wild senses of humor. (MUSTARD?!) They have seen love modeled
in their home and believe that they have the right to experience that
sort of love, themselves, and are not afraid to take a risk, to go
after it. I happen to think they're pretty cool.
How is it that, by choosing this path of respectful parenting, I now
am having to cushion my loving, fresh, free children from the
criticism of a world that says there's something wrong with them?
Grrr.
Laura B.
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/1/2003 2:34:13 AM Eastern Standard Time,
LauraBourdo@... writes:
We've talked about
staying focused on priorities and about self-protection, and about
all those other things, but basically this is her decision. Yes, we
are paying her rent, but if we refused to allow this, he'd just be
there all the time anyway.
************************************
And you'd put her in the position of having to lie to you about his being
there. At least she was honest enough to let you know what their plans are.
BTW, my 19 yo is living with her boyfriend also, has been for almost a year now.
Like you said...what are you gonna do?
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
LauraBourdo@... writes:
We've talked about
staying focused on priorities and about self-protection, and about
all those other things, but basically this is her decision. Yes, we
are paying her rent, but if we refused to allow this, he'd just be
there all the time anyway.
************************************
And you'd put her in the position of having to lie to you about his being
there. At least she was honest enough to let you know what their plans are.
BTW, my 19 yo is living with her boyfriend also, has been for almost a year now.
Like you said...what are you gonna do?
Nancy B. in WV
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/1/03 12:34:14 AM, LauraBourdo@... writes:
<< I just found out today that her friend's mother has pronounced Nikki
a slut, and has forbidden her daughter to have anything more to do
with her. . . . her daughter had a miscarriage
. . . her mother has called her fat. . . blah. And she has the nerve to call
my daughter a slut
and to write her off, just like that, after all these years of
supposedly caring for her too? >>
Jealousy and dismay. Lashing out in vague frustration and pain.
Breathe and let it pass.
Her friend won't be impressed with her mother's attitude. Let her see a
better one from you!
Did you help her through a miscarriage of a pregnancy her mom didn't even
know about? If so, you WAY have the upper hand in all things social and moral,
and you can sleep peacefully.
<<The parents of the boy
who was hosting the party are traditional school-at-homers>> DOH!!
<<They care about themselves, others, and the
world they live in. They have hopes and plans for the future. They
dream big. And they think for themselves. >>
Then they must know already that some people are not as thoughtful as they
are. They just need to learn to step around them and keep on going.
<<How is it that, by choosing this path of respectful parenting, I now
am having to cushion my loving, fresh, free children from the
criticism of a world that says there's something wrong with them?>>
You don't have to cushion them. You, too, just need to let some friendships
go.
I went all through my 20s childless, and had friends who were no longer
interested in hanging out with me once I was pregnant. I understood that. I went
through toddler-days with some of the remaining friends who seemed to figure
if they stuck around four or five years my kids would be big enough and in
school and our adult friendship could get back to hours of hanging out without
kids. They eventually wandered off. I had a friend who used to think a lot like
I did, and had kids when I did, and when it became apparent I wasn't going to
say "good idea" about her negativity regarding children, she went away.
In every case in which I've "lost a friend," what I was losing was a critic,
an obstacle.
The friends I've gained by maintaining my integrity are better than those who
would have demanded I compromise it to keep them in my life.
Sandra
<< I just found out today that her friend's mother has pronounced Nikki
a slut, and has forbidden her daughter to have anything more to do
with her. . . . her daughter had a miscarriage
. . . her mother has called her fat. . . blah. And she has the nerve to call
my daughter a slut
and to write her off, just like that, after all these years of
supposedly caring for her too? >>
Jealousy and dismay. Lashing out in vague frustration and pain.
Breathe and let it pass.
Her friend won't be impressed with her mother's attitude. Let her see a
better one from you!
Did you help her through a miscarriage of a pregnancy her mom didn't even
know about? If so, you WAY have the upper hand in all things social and moral,
and you can sleep peacefully.
<<The parents of the boy
who was hosting the party are traditional school-at-homers>> DOH!!
<<They care about themselves, others, and the
world they live in. They have hopes and plans for the future. They
dream big. And they think for themselves. >>
Then they must know already that some people are not as thoughtful as they
are. They just need to learn to step around them and keep on going.
<<How is it that, by choosing this path of respectful parenting, I now
am having to cushion my loving, fresh, free children from the
criticism of a world that says there's something wrong with them?>>
You don't have to cushion them. You, too, just need to let some friendships
go.
I went all through my 20s childless, and had friends who were no longer
interested in hanging out with me once I was pregnant. I understood that. I went
through toddler-days with some of the remaining friends who seemed to figure
if they stuck around four or five years my kids would be big enough and in
school and our adult friendship could get back to hours of hanging out without
kids. They eventually wandered off. I had a friend who used to think a lot like
I did, and had kids when I did, and when it became apparent I wasn't going to
say "good idea" about her negativity regarding children, she went away.
In every case in which I've "lost a friend," what I was losing was a critic,
an obstacle.
The friends I've gained by maintaining my integrity are better than those who
would have demanded I compromise it to keep them in my life.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 11/1/03 12:03:50 PM, LauraBourdo@... writes:
<< Good advice, breathing and letting it pass, but losing a friendship hurts,
and my dd is hurting too. Just life, I suppose. We are both confident in
our
positions on this, though. Not feeling insecure or inferior. It's a
blessing
to see my Nikki handling it so well. >>
But her friend is at the edge of being grown, and her mother can't really
tell her who to hang out with any more now that she's not living at home. There
will be a few more years when the mom THINKS she can, but every such
statement is likely to backfire entirely. So in just a few years (two? three?)
you'll have two individual relationships. No, three apiece! Your daughter will
or won't have a relationship with her friend, and the friend's mom. You; same.
Other friend will have a worse or better relationship with you, Nikki, and
her own mom. But the days of "mother may I will be over very soon.
Sandra
<< Good advice, breathing and letting it pass, but losing a friendship hurts,
and my dd is hurting too. Just life, I suppose. We are both confident in
our
positions on this, though. Not feeling insecure or inferior. It's a
blessing
to see my Nikki handling it so well. >>
But her friend is at the edge of being grown, and her mother can't really
tell her who to hang out with any more now that she's not living at home. There
will be a few more years when the mom THINKS she can, but every such
statement is likely to backfire entirely. So in just a few years (two? three?)
you'll have two individual relationships. No, three apiece! Your daughter will
or won't have a relationship with her friend, and the friend's mom. You; same.
Other friend will have a worse or better relationship with you, Nikki, and
her own mom. But the days of "mother may I will be over very soon.
Sandra
[email protected]
<<I am feeling so sad right now. You know, the decisions we make as
parents affect so much more than ourselves and our immediate
families. They affect other people too -- parents of our childrens'
friends, for instance, especially those who don't parent the same way
we do, and then divisions happen. I'm watching an old friendship
die, and a potential one wither, and it makes me very sad.>>>
Same here. I wrote an email last night asking the list about loosing friends
and feeling as if we have grown apart. I deleted it.... I know that my friend
and I have become distant and though we talk daily we have two very different
parenting styles.
I have allowed my disagreement in hers style to be ignored because I
respected her so much and felt she was a better parent than I at times. I have come to
realize that all the trips they take and money they spend doesn't mean a
thing when they spank and ruin the fun.
I talked to my husband about it last night and he too is very uncomfortable
with their parenting style. I told him I will allow it some more time but I
wont be calling as much as I have been.
LauraD
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
parents affect so much more than ourselves and our immediate
families. They affect other people too -- parents of our childrens'
friends, for instance, especially those who don't parent the same way
we do, and then divisions happen. I'm watching an old friendship
die, and a potential one wither, and it makes me very sad.>>>
Same here. I wrote an email last night asking the list about loosing friends
and feeling as if we have grown apart. I deleted it.... I know that my friend
and I have become distant and though we talk daily we have two very different
parenting styles.
I have allowed my disagreement in hers style to be ignored because I
respected her so much and felt she was a better parent than I at times. I have come to
realize that all the trips they take and money they spend doesn't mean a
thing when they spank and ruin the fun.
I talked to my husband about it last night and he too is very uncomfortable
with their parenting style. I told him I will allow it some more time but I
wont be calling as much as I have been.
LauraD
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]