Stepheny Cappel

Well since we've been to the conference things have been kind of cool around here. I am fighting the schooly stuff altogether and sometimes sitting here just reading this list helps more than anyone realizes... Alyssa is the best unschooler so far LOL, I ask her would she please do something and she says no and I just do it myself or don't do it because it could be just that I think she needs to do it (Bad mindset) The best thing is I see the kids learning stuff and I didn't help or show them anything. Frankie 9 is sitting in front of the tv patiently waiting for someone elses show to be over so he can watch his and just by looking at the digital clock he knows how much time is left. He did the subraction in his head which I think is way cool because I couldn't tell time even into my teens with teachers and lots of "help". I asked April to watch a video with me about Paul Gaugin which I enjoyed but she was bored and eventually got up and started walking around and left the room. Alyssa said no she wouldn't watch it because it was boring and she knew it was thats all folks LOL. I just watched it because I wanted to which was cool because I could enjoy it without worrying about what anyone else got out of it. Caitlin was watching a hooked on phonics commercial and said she couldn't read was I going to get her that? I asked her if she wanted it and she said no, and that she couldn't read and didn't care. She is 10 and can read what she wants to but for some reason pretends she cannot. Yesterday Dad told them they could walk around the block, and they stopped to talk to my sil at her daughters house. They were not supposed to stay so long so he grounded Caitlin because she failed to tell the others they couldn't stay. I don't know his reason. But a friend was there that was amazed that Frank spoke so calmly to our children when he was disappointed at the time because she has to holler at her children. I got to jump in about peaceful parenting and that her children could to listen with out screaming. He listened and then today let Caitlin off her grounding on a matter of trust. I thought that was good, because he is just following my lead, having read no materials etc. on unschooling or peaceful parenting that I know of. Alyssa and I did spend alot of time at neopets the other day playing and feeding her little pets... and had alot of fun. Just thought I'd share. Stepheny
----- Original Message -----
From: Tia Graham
To: [email protected]
Sent: Sunday, October 05, 2003 2:54 PM
Subject: Re: [UnschoolingDiscussion] on playing for life


<<
I am really struck by the concept of "obedience obstacles" - what a
great phrase. But now I'm nervous that I am not catching your meaning.
Do you mean that you were putting things in the way of them being
obedient to your wishes, or goals for them?>>

<<My mom sometimes wanted something done JUST ONE WAY, her way. And she
was
more likely to want that when she had no idea on earth WHY she did it
"her way." >>

Yes, Sandra's example was what I was talking about. I made arbitraray
things "right" or "wrong". This was back in authoritarian parenting days.
When they didn't do things the way I dictated was "right", they then were
defying me...kind of a double negative.

So it would look like this:
I'd decide snack for the day was crackers. It's not right or wrong to
have fruit or crackers or cheese for a snack..but I created a "right" by
dictating it.

My kids, would then decide they weren't hungry for crackers, and refuse
to eat them, and ask repeatedly for something else.

I'd utter *those* words: No, we're having crackers today "because I said
so" (groan).

They'd refuse. Now I'd feel like I had a differnet problem on my hands.
They didn't obey my words. So now, discipline would enter the picture,
tears, and "you have to do what Mommy says".

I had parenting books that actually suggested setting situations up like
this, so that we could "practice" first time obedience. It sounded so
simple at first, but in real life, everything became something I
micro-managed.

When I started learning about non-coercive parenting, I really wanted to
start saying "yes" to my kids more. That meant that first, I had to
analyze the times I said "no". What was really going on when I felt
frustrated with them or that they needed punishment? Looking at those
situations, I could see that there were sooo many times when what they
wanted wasn't something "wrong" and I had the power to say "yes" without
any negative consequences. It was a process, and I'd see things honestly
in steps as I went.

So now, if I offer crackers but they want fruit, they head to the fruit
bowl on my smile. More often, they just go to the snack cupboard when
they are hungry and help themselves, and I'm not even part of it.

Later came the grief I had to go through when I could empathize with
where my kids had been. Really, "doing what Mommy says" doesn't *have* be
a hard thing, because the times when parents truely have to be commanding
is pretty rare. It's probably different for different homes and where
different parents are on things too. Around here, I only get absolute
about stuff like safetly anymore. "No, you can NOT help yourself to the
medicine cabinet when you feel like it. You must get me first.", said to
a 5 year old. But when I was adding in all that other stuff, my kids
were bound to "disobey" me hourly! It really was like an obstacle course
in those days and they probably couldnt have won for trying.

It's been fun letting my kids just "be". We sure are enjoying our days
together alot more.

Tia in Fl

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Stepheny Cappel

Ugh I forgot to cut the other stuff off... sorry. I will try to be more mindful. Steph


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