Frustrated swearing kids
[email protected]
Hi,
My Rilley, age 6.5, will swear, scream, kick. I have been it that car when a game goes wrong and I am blamed for his troubles. I have had to pull over and sit outside and wait it out. I have asked him to leave rooms. I have held him safely while he raged. Once the police showed up he was so loud.
Have you read the Explosive Child? It goes into what this stuff is coming out of them. The author calls it mental debris. It's all garbage, the swearing, the screaming, the rage and our job as parents is to help them before they go overboard. Easier said than done most times, but you get the idea. Now once overboard, what do you get to do? Stay calm, keep everyone safe, breathe, and breathe some more. Hold the child, or not depending on them and stay calm and breathe.
I am glad you brought this up. Yesterday Riley's shin gaurd wasn't feeling right. He went right into it from calm to a rage in like 2 seconds. Full on shoe flinging, kicking, maniac, with cleats on! He loves practice and the thought of not going was fueling the rage. I left the room for a bit then went back in and this is our dialogue, "Wow Riley, you really want new shin guards."
"yup, these ones suck,"
"practice is in 10 minutes, it really would be impossible to get new ones for today's practice."
"I want new shin guards right now."
"Riley, can you think of some other way to solve this big problem?"
"Wait a minute, I think this might work." He was red in the face trying to pull one shin guard off while smashing his foot down. He did come up with a solution but he still hated his shin guards. Both cleats were on now
I helped him up, asked him to sweat it out because at practice when he kicks the ball he might not feel it anymore. He was still upset in the car, but ran out to his team and practiced for an hour and came back to me as if we never had a 30 minute rage about the feel of his shin guard.
Wow these kids exhaust us, but when things go well, like yesterday, I feel I have given him the gift of problem solving. He will always have struggles, knowing how to handle them is so important. The Explosive Child has lots of good examples.
On treating people respectfully. I have made it clear that I am not to be sweared at, hit or hurt. They forget alot. I remind them or remove myself. I agree with Sandra that kids need to find better ways to let out that frustration which doesn't hurt them, someone else or property. I have a need to be safe in my house. We practice frustration release daily around here. We talk about what happened and 1 way we could have handled it differently which would not have caused more problems. I am now watching my 4 year old copy Riley's way of handling things. So we get to do this all over again, though she does not have the explosive temperment, she thinks rage/hitting is how problems are solved these days. I'm getting lots of practice.
Peace, Mary H.
My Rilley, age 6.5, will swear, scream, kick. I have been it that car when a game goes wrong and I am blamed for his troubles. I have had to pull over and sit outside and wait it out. I have asked him to leave rooms. I have held him safely while he raged. Once the police showed up he was so loud.
Have you read the Explosive Child? It goes into what this stuff is coming out of them. The author calls it mental debris. It's all garbage, the swearing, the screaming, the rage and our job as parents is to help them before they go overboard. Easier said than done most times, but you get the idea. Now once overboard, what do you get to do? Stay calm, keep everyone safe, breathe, and breathe some more. Hold the child, or not depending on them and stay calm and breathe.
I am glad you brought this up. Yesterday Riley's shin gaurd wasn't feeling right. He went right into it from calm to a rage in like 2 seconds. Full on shoe flinging, kicking, maniac, with cleats on! He loves practice and the thought of not going was fueling the rage. I left the room for a bit then went back in and this is our dialogue, "Wow Riley, you really want new shin guards."
"yup, these ones suck,"
"practice is in 10 minutes, it really would be impossible to get new ones for today's practice."
"I want new shin guards right now."
"Riley, can you think of some other way to solve this big problem?"
"Wait a minute, I think this might work." He was red in the face trying to pull one shin guard off while smashing his foot down. He did come up with a solution but he still hated his shin guards. Both cleats were on now
I helped him up, asked him to sweat it out because at practice when he kicks the ball he might not feel it anymore. He was still upset in the car, but ran out to his team and practiced for an hour and came back to me as if we never had a 30 minute rage about the feel of his shin guard.
Wow these kids exhaust us, but when things go well, like yesterday, I feel I have given him the gift of problem solving. He will always have struggles, knowing how to handle them is so important. The Explosive Child has lots of good examples.
On treating people respectfully. I have made it clear that I am not to be sweared at, hit or hurt. They forget alot. I remind them or remove myself. I agree with Sandra that kids need to find better ways to let out that frustration which doesn't hurt them, someone else or property. I have a need to be safe in my house. We practice frustration release daily around here. We talk about what happened and 1 way we could have handled it differently which would not have caused more problems. I am now watching my 4 year old copy Riley's way of handling things. So we get to do this all over again, though she does not have the explosive temperment, she thinks rage/hitting is how problems are solved these days. I'm getting lots of practice.
Peace, Mary H.
[email protected]
In a message dated 9/13/03 10:45:23 AM, maryfhickman@... writes:
<< Wow these kids exhaust us, but when things go well, like yesterday, I feel
I have given him the gift of problem solving. He will always have struggles,
knowing how to handle them is so important. >>
Kirby used to have fits, but he doesn't now.
Now, in retrospect, I remember the details of a few and how I could have
helped defuse them even sooner. If I had a second chance with Kirby knowing what
I know now, it wouldn't be as bad for him.
If a kid stays in the same place too long without breathing or coming up for
reality, they can get into a bad place. I think it's biochemical. I think
they need input to ground them in their surroundings. It can be reading, or
drawing, or working on Lego, or a movie, or a video game, but it helps if they
have "reality check" in the form of another person passing by and saying "How's
it going?" or a window opened which had been closed, or a fan turned on, or a
cat to pet, or a drink of water or juice... some clues and contacts. If one
is in the car, mesmerized by phone poles going by, he's going into his own
world and it might help to engage him in something, even very small. "Do you
need to stop, Kirby?" We did learn to specifically ask him if he needed the rest
stop that was coming up. It made him feel remembered, and important, and
that kind of reset his switches altogether each time. Whether he needed to stop
or not, we had let him have the power to say "yes stop," or "no, we can keep
going" (and if someone else needed to stop, that was okay too--but giving Kirby
the first refusal, as it were, made him feel especially real).
In some families I've known well enough to see the dynamics from the point of
view of more than one person there, kids were frustrated without their
parents' awareness because of patterns the parents had of making jokes about them as
if they weren't there, or teasing them in ways the parents thought were
friendly, but the kids were perceiving as cruel or embarrassing, or that the kids
interpreted as being dismissive of their opinions or emotions. Then when the
kid blew, the parents would express surprise that they had been being friendly
and the kid blew for no reason. But what the parents saw as "friendly" was a
set of tiny bits of evidence that the kid was "just a kid" or a funny kid, or
an irritating kid, or a kid who might be about to blow, and then the kid would
blow.
It might be revised and resent, but a moderator has returned a post in part
because the writer called advice from one of the others here "ludicrous."
Advice from someone who used to have problems but doesn't now, offered to
someone who has had problems and is still having them is not likely to be
"ludicrous." It might not be the perfect fit for that other dyad/group/situation,
but suggestions from moms who have succeeded in having peaceful family relations
are valuable and should be respected.
Sandra
<< Wow these kids exhaust us, but when things go well, like yesterday, I feel
I have given him the gift of problem solving. He will always have struggles,
knowing how to handle them is so important. >>
Kirby used to have fits, but he doesn't now.
Now, in retrospect, I remember the details of a few and how I could have
helped defuse them even sooner. If I had a second chance with Kirby knowing what
I know now, it wouldn't be as bad for him.
If a kid stays in the same place too long without breathing or coming up for
reality, they can get into a bad place. I think it's biochemical. I think
they need input to ground them in their surroundings. It can be reading, or
drawing, or working on Lego, or a movie, or a video game, but it helps if they
have "reality check" in the form of another person passing by and saying "How's
it going?" or a window opened which had been closed, or a fan turned on, or a
cat to pet, or a drink of water or juice... some clues and contacts. If one
is in the car, mesmerized by phone poles going by, he's going into his own
world and it might help to engage him in something, even very small. "Do you
need to stop, Kirby?" We did learn to specifically ask him if he needed the rest
stop that was coming up. It made him feel remembered, and important, and
that kind of reset his switches altogether each time. Whether he needed to stop
or not, we had let him have the power to say "yes stop," or "no, we can keep
going" (and if someone else needed to stop, that was okay too--but giving Kirby
the first refusal, as it were, made him feel especially real).
In some families I've known well enough to see the dynamics from the point of
view of more than one person there, kids were frustrated without their
parents' awareness because of patterns the parents had of making jokes about them as
if they weren't there, or teasing them in ways the parents thought were
friendly, but the kids were perceiving as cruel or embarrassing, or that the kids
interpreted as being dismissive of their opinions or emotions. Then when the
kid blew, the parents would express surprise that they had been being friendly
and the kid blew for no reason. But what the parents saw as "friendly" was a
set of tiny bits of evidence that the kid was "just a kid" or a funny kid, or
an irritating kid, or a kid who might be about to blow, and then the kid would
blow.
It might be revised and resent, but a moderator has returned a post in part
because the writer called advice from one of the others here "ludicrous."
Advice from someone who used to have problems but doesn't now, offered to
someone who has had problems and is still having them is not likely to be
"ludicrous." It might not be the perfect fit for that other dyad/group/situation,
but suggestions from moms who have succeeded in having peaceful family relations
are valuable and should be respected.
Sandra
[email protected]
Rages are way less of a problem now here with my 9 yo than when he was 8 and
I'm sure simply growing up a little had something to do with it. I think we
helped though (and we were helped by folks here - thanks).
live life with an ironic commentary of ongoing events but that just doesn't work
with kids who haven't been bullied into "toughing it out." He's really
learned to use kind and gentle words, but sometimes still uses words when none are
better (as do I sometimes).
I think that the book The Explosive Child really helped me to learn that the
explosion is not a "teachable moment" and that our job at that time is just
to help him out of the explosion. I didn't find that book as helpful regarding
preventing explosions, probably because it's based on the assumption of quite
a lot of control by parents over kids.
What's been way more helpful is Non Violent Communication. Even if I don't
say anything out loud using it, thinking through the parts helps me realize
ways I'm coming across as judgemental or ways I'm second guessing someone else's
feelings rather than acknowledging my own or ways I'm demanding rather than
requesting. It also puts me in touch with my own needs, such as feeling safe,
that I may need to voice. Somehow it makes us all human, no good guy, bad guy
or power holder, power seeker dicotomies. And that makes a huge difference
to my children. I'm seeing them with more compassion and asking them to see me
with compassion.
So in a case where there's name calling I've expressed my sadness for myself
or whoever was called the idiot and asked to have my need for respect met by
having other words used to express frustration. It sounds sort of hokey and
stilted and 70s-ish, but somehow it's helped me really come from that place of
wanting to connect rather than control. And my kids really see that and
respond to it.
I'm just a novice at this stuff, but I'd highly recommend Marshall
Rosenberg's book, Non Violent Communication. There's a tape of a very introductory but
inspiring session about NVC from the HSC coference this past August too
(hsc.org to order) .
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I'm sure simply growing up a little had something to do with it. I think we
helped though (and we were helped by folks here - thanks).
>This is the stuff my husband has had to learn to stop doing. He likes to
> In some families I've known well enough to see the dynamics from the point
> of
> view of more than one person there, kids were frustrated without their
> parents' awareness because of patterns the parents had of making jokes about
> them as
> if they weren't there, or teasing them in ways the parents thought were
> friendly, but the kids were perceiving as cruel or embarrassing, or that the
> kids
> interpreted as being dismissive of their opinions or emotions. Then when
> the
> kid blew, the parents would express surprise that they had been being
> friendly
> and the kid blew for no reason. But what the parents saw as "friendly" was
> a
> set of tiny bits of evidence that the kid was "just a kid" or a funny kid,
> or
> an irritating kid, or a kid who might be about to blow, and then the kid
> would
> blow.
>
live life with an ironic commentary of ongoing events but that just doesn't work
with kids who haven't been bullied into "toughing it out." He's really
learned to use kind and gentle words, but sometimes still uses words when none are
better (as do I sometimes).
I think that the book The Explosive Child really helped me to learn that the
explosion is not a "teachable moment" and that our job at that time is just
to help him out of the explosion. I didn't find that book as helpful regarding
preventing explosions, probably because it's based on the assumption of quite
a lot of control by parents over kids.
What's been way more helpful is Non Violent Communication. Even if I don't
say anything out loud using it, thinking through the parts helps me realize
ways I'm coming across as judgemental or ways I'm second guessing someone else's
feelings rather than acknowledging my own or ways I'm demanding rather than
requesting. It also puts me in touch with my own needs, such as feeling safe,
that I may need to voice. Somehow it makes us all human, no good guy, bad guy
or power holder, power seeker dicotomies. And that makes a huge difference
to my children. I'm seeing them with more compassion and asking them to see me
with compassion.
So in a case where there's name calling I've expressed my sadness for myself
or whoever was called the idiot and asked to have my need for respect met by
having other words used to express frustration. It sounds sort of hokey and
stilted and 70s-ish, but somehow it's helped me really come from that place of
wanting to connect rather than control. And my kids really see that and
respond to it.
I'm just a novice at this stuff, but I'd highly recommend Marshall
Rosenberg's book, Non Violent Communication. There's a tape of a very introductory but
inspiring session about NVC from the HSC coference this past August too
(hsc.org to order) .
Pam T.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]