Judie C. Rall

> In our house my boys don't have to ask to do things like painting. They may
> ask for help setting up or help reaching something or cleaning up. I don't
> ask to do things that I want to do. I may ask if they want to join in or ask if
> they will help me clean up.

Before I start something, I DO ask if my doing it right now is
going to inconvenience somebody, because I know that it bothers me
for somebody to come in and start doing something that interferes
with what I'm already doing. So, if I was going to paint, and there
were other people present, I WOULD ask if my painting bothered them
before I started. Like, if I'm getting ready to set the table and
my kids start getting out paint, I'm going to tell them that what
they are about to do is going to interfere with what I'm doing, and
that they should have asked first before getting it out.

>
> If there was a situation where someone said they would clean everything up
> when they were done I would probably ask if they needed help. I know I have
> made more mess than I expected at times (LOL) and it would hurt me to see someone
> standing there watching me clean up and not helping just because I said I
> would do it myself.

Well, that doesn't seem to bother the rest of my family, because
nobody ever asks to help me clean up, even if they were involved in
making the mess. Unless I ASK them to help clean up, they don't.
It doesn't bother them to stand there and watch me clean up.

Judie

[email protected]

In a message dated 8/31/03 1:00:33 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
adonai@... writes:

> I'm sorry, but I just don't understand what is wrong with letting
> kids be responsible for their own actions.

I see dropping the class for lack of interest as being responsible. That is
one possible option for him. The teacher/leader gets paid one way or the
other and probably doesn't care too much if the child attends or not. I think the
child is being responsible. I would not sit there in a class that I didn't
find interesting.

In our house my boys don't have to ask to do things like painting. They may
ask for help setting up or help reaching something or cleaning up. I don't
ask to do things that I want to do. I may ask if they want to join in or ask if
they will help me clean up.

If there was a situation where someone said they would clean everything up
when they were done I would probably ask if they needed help. I know I have
made more mess than I expected at times (LOL) and it would hurt me to see someone
standing there watching me clean up and not helping just because I said I
would do it myself.

Just a couple of thoughts on the subject. I am sure others have more
profound things to say. My mind is a little foggy this morning/afternoon.
Pam G.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Fetteroll

on 8/31/03 9:02 AM, Judie C. Rall at adonai@... wrote:

> Well, that doesn't seem to bother the rest of my family, because
> nobody ever asks to help me clean up, even if they were involved in
> making the mess. Unless I ASK them to help clean up, they don't.
> It doesn't bother them to stand there and watch me clean up.

Age will change that. My daughter, at 12, is seeing things that need done
and doing them. Last year she's ask if I'd noticed she'd cleaned the sink.
Before that it was "The sink doesn't look dirty to me." ;-)

It helps to step back and look at the atmosphere you're creating
objectively. If you do something and expect people to help and are
resentfully doing it alone, that negative energy seeps out and drives people
away.

Think about your husband angrily cleaning up something that seems foolish to
clean up.

Think about him cleaning up something that seems foolish but he's doing it
joyfully and asks if you'd like to help or just spend time with him.

Which scenario would you be more likely to join in?

If we expect our kids to do something because if they don't we'll be angry
we're teaching them that they bear the burden of responsibility for our
feelings and should set aside their own needs to tend to ours.

If we see the lives we create for them as a gift and invite them joyfully to
join us (or not!) the whole family is more joyful.

If we want them to treat our needs with respect, then we need to treat their
needs with respect too. Most parents would get mad at that and say they
absolutely treat their children's needs with respect. But if they were to
observe themselves objectively they'd find that they were picking and
choosing which needs to respect. They'd be judging what they child needed in
order to decide if they really needed it and whether to take that need
seriously or not.

If we want them to treat our needs -- all our needs, especially the needs
they don't understand and seem foolish to them -- with respect, we need to
do the same for them. If they say that finishing a level on a video game or
seeing the end of a cartoon is important, we have to trust that it is
important. (And it helps to be involved enough in their lives to understand
what it means to them too.)

> Like, if I'm getting ready to set the table and
> my kids start getting out paint, I'm going to tell them that what
> they are about to do is going to interfere with what I'm doing, and
> that they should have asked first before getting it out.

I would turn that around. Rather than demanding that they respect my needs,
I'd respect their need to paint and help them find a better place to set up
so that both our needs could be met.

I find it really helps to turn my seemingly reasonable reaction around and
try to hear it coming from my daughter. If I were inadvertently setting up a
project in the middle of where she was about to build a fort, would I want
to hear "I was about to build a fort there. You should have asked first
before doing that." Or would I rather hear "I was about to build a fort
there. Can I help you move to another spot?"

Joyce