Compassionate Communication
jeva
Hello all,
I'm posting this here as it conveys much better than I can what I was
attempting to say. Dr. Rosenberg explains the importance of non-
violent and compassionate communication much better than I ever could.
There is also a copy of this article in the Files section.
Peace to all,
Jeva
Compassionate Communication
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal.
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying
people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong.
Ultimately it provokes defensiveness, resistance and counterattack.
Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going
on for us - without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an
opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer.
Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.
Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-
being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving,
compassionate ways. Why then, is there so much disharmony and
conflict?
Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of
us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one
another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think
jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people;
it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is
good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're
emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."
The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with
getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future.
Similarly, Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly
classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about
what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved,
saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally
deprived."
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying
people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong.
Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.
I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that
promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this
means of communicating Giraffe. The giraffe has the largest heart of
any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives
its life with gentility and strength. Like-wise, Giraffe bids us to
speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without
judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say
yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of
requests; Jackal is a language of demands.
By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly
learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I
say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant
and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I
realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even
interested in changing people; rather, they are interested
(italics) "in providing opportunities for them to be willing to
change." One way of providing such an opportunity, I decided, would
be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do
this, but only if you can do it willingly - in a total absence of
fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame,
I lose."
As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do,
not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of
mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people
they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something.
These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life
becomes slave like. "I had to do it,superior's orders" is the
response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives
and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.
As time passed, I learned much more about Giraffes. For one thing,
they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even
think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living
room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in
the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware
that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset
because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will
identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the
underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat
and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel
angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a
mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so
much better if you'd just put these toys away."
Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will
say, "I feel angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, we know that the
cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own
thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts
we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.
Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger.
In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of
assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside
us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say
things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine
has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will
conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."
As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same
time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that
will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect
from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the
decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please
ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for
me." Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't
want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire
changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."
Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a
sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame,
guilt, or punishment: As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.
Stating a Request Clearly
Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in
honesty:
Describe your observation
Identify your feeling
Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs
State your request
In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If
you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied
with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in
the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your
feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right
now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your
request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"
The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the
phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the
situation: "When you have the phone tied up for so long, other calls
can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm
feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone."
Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to
a close if that's all right."
In a Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People
are expected to be docile, subservient to authority, slave like in
their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a
Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and
requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather
than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between
these two types of statements.
In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing
what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade
others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we
have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in
Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems
upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the
person's feelings, needs, and wishes (italics) without hearing any
criticism of ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes
we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.
Responding to a "No"
Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy:
Describe the situation
Guess the other person's feeling
Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then
let the person verify whether you have correctly understood
Clarify the unmet need
When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to
protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are
saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not
because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can
likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's
need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us,
we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they
are really saying - that they have a need and want to get their need
met.
If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she
has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:
Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your
chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?
Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive
mode, indicating a need to be listened to.]
Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do
them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?
Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened to.
The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings
and wants.]
Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around
and you have no choice about when to do your chores?
Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them
done, you do them.
Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all
of them?
Child: Yeah... no... I don't know. I just don't feel like being
bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open
up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)
If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close
to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen,
reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting,
until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take
anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive
statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the
person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has
occurred.
At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem,
a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I
heard was "Please!" - that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't
being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40
minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have
been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was
immediately defused of all tension. He later invited me to dinner.
In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business,
classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human
being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We
can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests.
Ultimately, listening empathically does not imply doing what the
person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of
the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the
coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart.
Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love; giving other people an
opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise
generosity. Empathically receiving what is going on in others is a
reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and
sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill
requests at either end of a dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue
ruled by love is harmony.
In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've
learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that
there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that
discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication.
This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement
between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation,
compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.
I'm posting this here as it conveys much better than I can what I was
attempting to say. Dr. Rosenberg explains the importance of non-
violent and compassionate communication much better than I ever could.
There is also a copy of this article in the Files section.
Peace to all,
Jeva
Compassionate Communication
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think Jackal.
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying
people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong.
Ultimately it provokes defensiveness, resistance and counterattack.
Giraffe bids us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going
on for us - without judging others. In this idiom, you give people an
opportunity to say yes, although you respect no for an answer.
Giraffe is a language of requests; Jackal is a language of demands.
Human beings the world over say they want to contribute to the well-
being of others, to connect and communicate with others in loving,
compassionate ways. Why then, is there so much disharmony and
conflict?
Setting out to find answers, I discovered that the language many of
us were taught interferes with our desire to live in harmony with one
another. At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think
jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels people;
it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal is
good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're
emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."
The jackal moves close to the ground. It is so preoccupied with
getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see into the future.
Similarly, Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in quickly
classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about
what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved,
saying, "He's an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally
deprived."
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying
people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong.
Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack.
I also came upon a language of the heart, a form of interacting that
promotes the well-being of ourselves and other people. I call this
means of communicating Giraffe. The giraffe has the largest heart of
any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future, and lives
its life with gentility and strength. Like-wise, Giraffe bids us to
speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without
judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say
yes, although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of
requests; Jackal is a language of demands.
By the time I identified these two languages, I had thoroughly
learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What would I
say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant
and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I
realized, are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even
interested in changing people; rather, they are interested
(italics) "in providing opportunities for them to be willing to
change." One way of providing such an opportunity, I decided, would
be to approach the other person with a message such as: "Please do
this, but only if you can do it willingly - in a total absence of
fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear, guilt, or shame,
I lose."
As Giraffes, we make requests in terms of what we want people to do,
not what we want them to feel. All the while, we steer clear of
mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling people
they "should" or "have to" or "must" or "ought to" do something.
These terms eliminate choice. Without the freedom to choose, life
becomes slave like. "I had to do it,superior's orders" is the
response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted by directives
and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their actions.
As time passed, I learned much more about Giraffes. For one thing,
they do not make requests in the past. They do not say, or even
think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned the living
room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they want in
the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware
that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset
because her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will
identify her feeling: anger. She will then get in touch with the
underlying want that is causing this feeling: her desire for a neat
and orderly living room. She will own the anger, saying, "I feel
angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a
mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so
much better if you'd just put these toys away."
Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will
say, "I feel angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, we know that the
cause of our feelings is not another person, but rather our own
thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry because of the thoughts
we are having, not because of anything another person has done to us.
Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger.
In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of
assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside
us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response, we say
things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine
has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will
conclude, "I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."
As Giraffes we take responsibility for our feelings. At the same
time, we attempt to give others an opportunity to act in a way that
will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want more respect
from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over the
decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please
ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for
me." Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't
want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire
changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."
Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in which each person feels a
sense of well-being and no one feels forced into action by blame,
guilt, or punishment: As such, Giraffe thinking creates harmony.
Stating a Request Clearly
Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in
honesty:
Describe your observation
Identify your feeling
Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs
State your request
In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If
you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied
with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in
the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your
feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right
now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your
request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"
The same process applies if your teenager has been talking on the
phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe the
situation: "When you have the phone tied up for so long, other calls
can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for it: "I'm
feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from someone."
Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your conversation to
a close if that's all right."
In a Jackal culture, feelings and wants are severely punished. People
are expected to be docile, subservient to authority, slave like in
their reactions, and alienated from their feelings and needs. In a
Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs, and
requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather
than demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between
these two types of statements.
In Jackal, we expect other people to prove their love for us by doing
what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in trying to persuade
others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge that we
have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in
Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems
upset or tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the
person's feelings, needs, and wishes (italics) without hearing any
criticism of ourselves. Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes
we state the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request.
Responding to a "No"
Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy:
Describe the situation
Guess the other person's feeling
Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then
let the person verify whether you have correctly understood
Clarify the unmet need
When people say no in a nasty way, what they invariably want is to
protect their autonomy. They have heard a request as a demand and are
saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose to do it, and not
because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking, or screaming can
likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice, one's
need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us,
we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they
are really saying - that they have a need and want to get their need
met.
If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she
has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:
Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to do your
chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?
Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive
mode, indicating a need to be listened to.]
Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to do
them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?
Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened to.
The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings
and wants.]
Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around
and you have no choice about when to do your chores?
Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want them
done, you do them.
Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to do all
of them?
Child: Yeah... no... I don't know. I just don't feel like being
bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open
up because she's feeling heard without judgment.)
If we have been Jackalish and demanding in the past, the people close
to us may need a lot of empathy at first. So we listen and listen,
reflecting back with guesses about what they are feeling and wanting,
until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive. We don't take
anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive
statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the
person's voice and body language will indicate that a shift has
occurred.
At a meeting I attended at a mosque in a refugee camp near Jerusalem,
a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!" As a Giraffe, all I
heard was "Please!" - that is, I heard the pain, the need that wasn't
being met. That is where I focused my attention. After about 40
minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense we have
been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation was
immediately defused of all tension. He later invited me to dinner.
In international disputes, as well as in relationship, business,
classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn to hear the human
being behind the message, regardless of how the message is framed. We
can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests.
Ultimately, listening empathically does not imply doing what the
person wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of
the individual's inner world. As we do that, we move from the
coercive language we have been taught to the language of the heart.
Speaking from the heart is a gesture of love; giving other people an
opportunity to contribute to our well-being and to exercise
generosity. Empathically receiving what is going on in others is a
reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and
sensitivity, with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill
requests at either end of a dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue
ruled by love is harmony.
In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate Giraffes. Once you've
learned to hear the heart behind any message, you discover that
there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With that
discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication.
This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement
between disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation,
compromise, and most importantly, mutual understanding and respect.
Betsy
**She will own the anger, saying, "I feel
angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a
mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so
much better if you'd just put these toys away."**
I read something that expanded on this idea recently (The book:
Emotional Intelligence) and added the idea that it's not okay to say
things like "I feel disappointed" because that "emotion" contains a
judgement. The book was pushing the idea that it was important to stick
with primary emotions like fear and anger.
Betsy
**Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger.
In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of
assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside
us but rather by what is going on "out there."**
That's a cool idea which I hadn't heard before.
**In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If
you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied
with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in
the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your
feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right
now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your
request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"**
With this scenario I would find it preferable to skip the judgement and
just feel the need for connection and ask for a hug.
**If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she
has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:**
Why are there "chores" out on the savannah where the giraffes are frolicing?
angry because I want the living room to be clean and instead it's a
mess." Finally, she will ask for a different outcome: "I'd feel so
much better if you'd just put these toys away."**
I read something that expanded on this idea recently (The book:
Emotional Intelligence) and added the idea that it's not okay to say
things like "I feel disappointed" because that "emotion" contains a
judgement. The book was pushing the idea that it was important to stick
with primary emotions like fear and anger.
Betsy
**Jackals, on the other hand, view others as the source of their anger.
In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical, is the result of
assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going on inside
us but rather by what is going on "out there."**
That's a cool idea which I hadn't heard before.
**In describing the situation, do so without criticizing or judging. If
you have come home from a busy day and your partner seems preoccupied
with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When I walked in
the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your
feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right
now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your
request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"**
With this scenario I would find it preferable to skip the judgement and
just feel the need for connection and ask for a hug.
**If a mother has asked her daughter to please do her chores and she
has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like this:**
Why are there "chores" out on the savannah where the giraffes are frolicing?