happiness of kids, at parties, w/mom
Annette Naake
Hi,
We were talking about what to do when we're invited to parties or
get-togethers and it's clear the kids aren't included. I have boys 10 and 6
and there are times they'd just as soon go hang out with a friend's family
as be with me when I have a social occasion. About once every eight months I
host my book discussion group in our home, for instance, and I arrange for
them to have the afternoon to play at a friend's house. They could stay here
but I do think they have more fun the other way.
However, one thing that really disturbs me is my mother asking that I come
visit her without the kids. She's the same way with my brother and sister...
always acting all flattered when we visit without the kids. She's also
reluctant to be in my house with the kids and DH, who works at home, around
all the time. She wants me to herself. I feel a little offended that she
doesn't want the kids around, since they are really good people and they
love her so much.
This is actually becoming a bone of contention between us. She's always
saying things like, "Don't you get any time to yourself?" or, if the guys
are off somewhere with their dad when she calls, "Oh, how nice, you have
some time alone." I find it off-putting.
It's actually made me realize that she spent my childhood doing her best to
keep me and my brother out of her hair. She was always finding toys, games
or activities we were to do without her, and we were supposed to be upstairs
and out of the way at a certain time of the evening. Which also makes me
sad.
Annette
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We were talking about what to do when we're invited to parties or
get-togethers and it's clear the kids aren't included. I have boys 10 and 6
and there are times they'd just as soon go hang out with a friend's family
as be with me when I have a social occasion. About once every eight months I
host my book discussion group in our home, for instance, and I arrange for
them to have the afternoon to play at a friend's house. They could stay here
but I do think they have more fun the other way.
However, one thing that really disturbs me is my mother asking that I come
visit her without the kids. She's the same way with my brother and sister...
always acting all flattered when we visit without the kids. She's also
reluctant to be in my house with the kids and DH, who works at home, around
all the time. She wants me to herself. I feel a little offended that she
doesn't want the kids around, since they are really good people and they
love her so much.
This is actually becoming a bone of contention between us. She's always
saying things like, "Don't you get any time to yourself?" or, if the guys
are off somewhere with their dad when she calls, "Oh, how nice, you have
some time alone." I find it off-putting.
It's actually made me realize that she spent my childhood doing her best to
keep me and my brother out of her hair. She was always finding toys, games
or activities we were to do without her, and we were supposed to be upstairs
and out of the way at a certain time of the evening. Which also makes me
sad.
Annette
_________________________________________________________________
The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/2003 12:53:07 AM Eastern Standard Time,
naake1999@... writes:
70's, graduated in 82. During those times there was a big shift from mom as
happy homemaker to people needing to "find themselves" (anyone else remember
that phrase??) More women were being pushed into careers (other than being a
mom) and I think "just" being a mom began to be looked down at. Society was
telling moms "you need time to yourself."
When I was in about 8th grade my mom got a part time job, and by the time I
was in highschool she was working full time. Even though we had more money, I
hated it and I know my sister (younger than I) hated it even more. Many of
our parents were just repeating what everyone was telling them, what they were
hearing from "experts" for years (parents need to get away, "find themselves").
I hate to blame that generation of moms because the whole idea of seperating
themselves from their children was being pushed on them hard. My mom has
since seen that the proof is in the pudding...my kids are happy, well adjusted,
funny, nice to be around.
We'll be a generation of grandmothers getting our panties in a bunch because
we DON'T want our grandchildren fed with formula or put in school, or left
with sitters (unless the sitter is us and the kids WANT to stay :o)
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
naake1999@... writes:
> This is actually becoming a bone of contention between us. She's alwaysThis could have nothing to do with it, but I was raised in the late 60's and
> saying things like, "Don't you get any time to yourself?" or, if the guys
> are off somewhere with their dad when she calls, "Oh, how nice, you have
> some time alone." I find it off-putting.
>
> It's actually made me realize that she spent my childhood doing her best to
> keep me and my brother out of her hair. She was always finding toys, games
> or activities we were to do without her, and we were supposed to be upstairs
>
> and out of the way at a certain time of the evening. Which also makes me
> sad.
70's, graduated in 82. During those times there was a big shift from mom as
happy homemaker to people needing to "find themselves" (anyone else remember
that phrase??) More women were being pushed into careers (other than being a
mom) and I think "just" being a mom began to be looked down at. Society was
telling moms "you need time to yourself."
When I was in about 8th grade my mom got a part time job, and by the time I
was in highschool she was working full time. Even though we had more money, I
hated it and I know my sister (younger than I) hated it even more. Many of
our parents were just repeating what everyone was telling them, what they were
hearing from "experts" for years (parents need to get away, "find themselves").
I hate to blame that generation of moms because the whole idea of seperating
themselves from their children was being pushed on them hard. My mom has
since seen that the proof is in the pudding...my kids are happy, well adjusted,
funny, nice to be around.
We'll be a generation of grandmothers getting our panties in a bunch because
we DON'T want our grandchildren fed with formula or put in school, or left
with sitters (unless the sitter is us and the kids WANT to stay :o)
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/2003 12:52:59 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
naake1999@... writes:
do have a son who's been with the same girl for seven years in a committed
relationship, just not married. They come almost every night for supper or
dessert. They almost always go on every family trip or outing with us. BUT that
being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered when he will
call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it when he will ask me
if I want to go shopping with just him. I don't try to orchestrate being
alone with him without Carrisa but it is a TREAT for me. As much as we love our
children now, we love them and cherish them equally when they are grown, I do
anyway.
I know my MIL always tells me they are meant to grow up and out and on their
own and see their parents on Sundays for an hour. If my child chooses to do
this, well that's fine but so far that doesn't look like it's likely to happen.
Her son, my DH sees her maybe once or twice a year, whenever I think I can
stand it (she doesn't like our children, I don't like people who don't like my
children).
I will be very cautious about time alone with my children after reading your
post. It never occurred to me that a child would find it offensive to spend
alone time with their parent. I can see that if she never wants to welcome
your children or spouse into the mix it could be a serious problem, much like
with my MIL.
Thank you for making me think about something I've never considered in my
family dynamics.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
naake1999@... writes:
> She's the same way with my brother and sister...Your post made me think... a lot... I don't have any grandchildren, yet. I
> always acting all flattered when we visit without the kids. She's also
> reluctant to be in my house with the kids and DH, who works at home, around
> all the time. She wants me to herself. I feel a little offended
do have a son who's been with the same girl for seven years in a committed
relationship, just not married. They come almost every night for supper or
dessert. They almost always go on every family trip or outing with us. BUT that
being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered when he will
call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it when he will ask me
if I want to go shopping with just him. I don't try to orchestrate being
alone with him without Carrisa but it is a TREAT for me. As much as we love our
children now, we love them and cherish them equally when they are grown, I do
anyway.
I know my MIL always tells me they are meant to grow up and out and on their
own and see their parents on Sundays for an hour. If my child chooses to do
this, well that's fine but so far that doesn't look like it's likely to happen.
Her son, my DH sees her maybe once or twice a year, whenever I think I can
stand it (she doesn't like our children, I don't like people who don't like my
children).
I will be very cautious about time alone with my children after reading your
post. It never occurred to me that a child would find it offensive to spend
alone time with their parent. I can see that if she never wants to welcome
your children or spouse into the mix it could be a serious problem, much like
with my MIL.
Thank you for making me think about something I've never considered in my
family dynamics.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alan & Brenda Leonard
7/4/03 16:42:
brenda
> During those times there was a big shift from mom asOh, yes. But I never knew I was lost.....
> happy homemaker to people needing to "find themselves" (anyone else remember
> that phrase??)
brenda
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/03 6:05:15 AM, CelticFrau@... writes:
<< We'll be a generation of grandmothers getting our panties in a bunch
because
we DON'T want our grandchildren fed with formula or put in school, or left
with sitters (unless the sitter is us and the kids WANT to stay :o) >>
I dread the day, and there's no option for me but heavy substance abuse or
death.
The idea that I would be able to smile about being asked to keep a distraught
baby and learn to sterilize bottles just for the occasion so that one of my
kids could go do something frivolous is hard to eve write down, so I'm hoping
it doesn't happen! <g>
I tell my kids not to have kids unless they can't stand the idea of NOT
having kids. If they are undecided, take it as a no. If they wake up dreaming
they had a child and they're sad when they realize it was only a dream, take
that as a yes.
But I tell everybody that who even remotely asks me whether they should have
a child. My default answer is no.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't. When they hurt, when they're crying about the
unfairness of the world, I wish I had used birth control and let that pain end
with my own.
Sandra
<< We'll be a generation of grandmothers getting our panties in a bunch
because
we DON'T want our grandchildren fed with formula or put in school, or left
with sitters (unless the sitter is us and the kids WANT to stay :o) >>
I dread the day, and there's no option for me but heavy substance abuse or
death.
The idea that I would be able to smile about being asked to keep a distraught
baby and learn to sterilize bottles just for the occasion so that one of my
kids could go do something frivolous is hard to eve write down, so I'm hoping
it doesn't happen! <g>
I tell my kids not to have kids unless they can't stand the idea of NOT
having kids. If they are undecided, take it as a no. If they wake up dreaming
they had a child and they're sad when they realize it was only a dream, take
that as a yes.
But I tell everybody that who even remotely asks me whether they should have
a child. My default answer is no.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't. When they hurt, when they're crying about the
unfairness of the world, I wish I had used birth control and let that pain end
with my own.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/2003 1:52:14 PM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
NOT want to put them in public school. We've also talked about breastfeeding,
and she wants to. But she is my very unschooled hippy-type roll with the
punches daughter...very upbeat, lives outside the box, didn't want to go to
college. She's 19. My best, BEST advice to her, which I give often (hope I'm not
nagging) is to STAY OUT OF DEBT. If you have a child, and you're in debt, you
will have to continue working to pay your bills. And realize that "things"
are just that...things. Control your spending, differentiate between your
wants and needs. Think twice before buying. Put your future kids first now,
don't get in over your head.
and they were very happy. One couple took their tax refunds and went to a
different country on vacation every year. Last time I had talked to him they had
visited something like 30 countries (some on the same vacation). My aunt and
uncle were unable to have children, but had (and still have) a very happy,
fulfilled life. They have always been everyone favorite aunt and uncle, and
were wonderful to us when we were children...so fun to be around.
I don't know what it is that makes people feel they HAVE to have children.
Instinct?
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> The idea that I would be able to smile about being asked to keep aMy oldest daughter has already said when she is ready and has kids, she does
> distraught
> baby and learn to sterilize bottles just for the occasion so that one of my
> kids could go do something frivolous is hard to eve write down, so I'm
> hoping
> it doesn't happen! <g>
NOT want to put them in public school. We've also talked about breastfeeding,
and she wants to. But she is my very unschooled hippy-type roll with the
punches daughter...very upbeat, lives outside the box, didn't want to go to
college. She's 19. My best, BEST advice to her, which I give often (hope I'm not
nagging) is to STAY OUT OF DEBT. If you have a child, and you're in debt, you
will have to continue working to pay your bills. And realize that "things"
are just that...things. Control your spending, differentiate between your
wants and needs. Think twice before buying. Put your future kids first now,
don't get in over your head.
>I knew a few police officers and their wives who chose not to have children,
> I tell my kids not to have kids unless they can't stand the idea of NOT
> having kids. If they are undecided, take it as a no. If they wake up
> dreaming
> they had a child and they're sad when they realize it was only a dream, take
>
> that as a yes.
>
> But I tell everybody that who even remotely asks me whether they should have
>
> a child. My default answer is no.
>
and they were very happy. One couple took their tax refunds and went to a
different country on vacation every year. Last time I had talked to him they had
visited something like 30 countries (some on the same vacation). My aunt and
uncle were unable to have children, but had (and still have) a very happy,
fulfilled life. They have always been everyone favorite aunt and uncle, and
were wonderful to us when we were children...so fun to be around.
I don't know what it is that makes people feel they HAVE to have children.
Instinct?
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/03 12:11:14 PM, CelticFrau@... writes:
<< I don't know what it is that makes people feel they HAVE to have children.
Instinct?
grandchildren?"
Oh. Of those who have children on purpose, those reasons above are probably
the major two.
The OTHER 75 percent of the population just makes up reasons after the fact
to avoid telling kids "When I found out I was pregnant I cried for a week."
That's just my theory based on people who've told me how they felt about
having kids.
Sandra
<< I don't know what it is that makes people feel they HAVE to have children.
Instinct?
>>Half instinct, and half their mothers saying "SO! When am I going to have
grandchildren?"
Oh. Of those who have children on purpose, those reasons above are probably
the major two.
The OTHER 75 percent of the population just makes up reasons after the fact
to avoid telling kids "When I found out I was pregnant I cried for a week."
That's just my theory based on people who've told me how they felt about
having kids.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/4/03 2:15:38 PM, rubyprincesstsg@... writes:
<< They almost always go on every family trip or outing with us. BUT that
being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered when he will
call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it when he will ask
me
if I want to go shopping with just him. >>
I love it to PIECES when my husband does something with his mom without me,
but he doesn't want to. <g>
You're lucky you and your son do things alone for a positive reason. I'm
guessing (hoping) that lots of homeschooling/unschooling families will have that
advantage too, instead of the desperation to leave that seems to have become
traditional in this culture. I don't know if it came with school or with mean
discipline or how related those two are, but it's very sad and it's great to
hear of families where it's NOT the rule.
Sandra
<< They almost always go on every family trip or outing with us. BUT that
being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered when he will
call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it when he will ask
me
if I want to go shopping with just him. >>
I love it to PIECES when my husband does something with his mom without me,
but he doesn't want to. <g>
You're lucky you and your son do things alone for a positive reason. I'm
guessing (hoping) that lots of homeschooling/unschooling families will have that
advantage too, instead of the desperation to leave that seems to have become
traditional in this culture. I don't know if it came with school or with mean
discipline or how related those two are, but it's very sad and it's great to
hear of families where it's NOT the rule.
Sandra
Nora or Devereaux Cannon
I'll tell you what's really cool - when your daughter in law
wants time alone with you! Block leave is coming up; she wanted
to make sure there would be one afternoon that we could leave the
hubbies and kids and go out to spend some time together just the
two of us.
...I don't know if that counts as being away from the kids as far
as my preferences go ...most confusing to be spread over so many
years....
wants time alone with you! Block leave is coming up; she wanted
to make sure there would be one afternoon that we could leave the
hubbies and kids and go out to spend some time together just the
two of us.
...I don't know if that counts as being away from the kids as far
as my preferences go ...most confusing to be spread over so many
years....
----- Original Message -----
BUT that
| being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered
when he will
| call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it
when he will ask me
| if I want to go shopping with just him. I don't try to
orchestrate being
| alone with him without Carrisa but it is a TREAT for me. As
much as we love our
| children now, we love them and cherish them equally when they
are grown, I do
| anyway.
Bill and Diane
>It took me nine years to figure out why my MIL would attack me near the
>
><< They almost always go on every family trip or outing with us. BUT that
>being said, I LOVE time alone with my son. I am VERY flattered when he will
>call and invite me to lunch, just him and myself. I love it when he will ask
>me if I want to go shopping with just him. >>
>
end of every visit--but only if dh was around. We (MIL and I) get along
great if dh isn't around, but I wasn't catching on and she wasn't saying
that she wanted time with JUST HIM.
Now I engineer it so I take the kids off for 3 hours a day (they need
rest time, you know) and everyone gets along great!
:-) Diane