Late night issue
[email protected]
Yesterday a friend asked Dustin 11 if he wanted to go play mini golf and
dinner with he and his dad. I said yes. Since summer broke Dustin has been at this
boys home every day. I have hardly seen him the past two and a half weeks.
Dustin came by at 4ish to get clothes as he was sleeping over also. I asked him
to call when they where back into town (they went to beach area 30 min away).
I called this am at 11:30 because he had not called at all last night or this
am. When the dad picked up the phone he was still sleeping. He got Dustin for
me and I asked how come he didn't call? He said they had gotten back really
late and whispered it a bit. I said Dustin I am up until 11-12. He said Mom we
didn't get back until 1 or 2!
Now part of me feels over protective and annoyed and the other is like chill
out and speak to him when he gets home. This I will do but I wanted to call
back and tell him I would like him to come home so I could find out what would
keep them out until 1 or 2am. He is still over there.... It is a 3 minute bike
ride for him to be home.
Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am with a
non family member? I know the Dad a little, he is a former police officer and
I think if he wasn't I may be more bothered. Maybe a false sense of trust I
don't know......
Our family(Siters child and Me when I was 13 where mollested/raped. Mine is
actually going to DA this month) has had some horrid situations happen and I
think that may be part of my concern and worry.
How much time is too much away from home. My intuition tells me he is gone
too long.
What is the opinion of others on this?
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dinner with he and his dad. I said yes. Since summer broke Dustin has been at this
boys home every day. I have hardly seen him the past two and a half weeks.
Dustin came by at 4ish to get clothes as he was sleeping over also. I asked him
to call when they where back into town (they went to beach area 30 min away).
I called this am at 11:30 because he had not called at all last night or this
am. When the dad picked up the phone he was still sleeping. He got Dustin for
me and I asked how come he didn't call? He said they had gotten back really
late and whispered it a bit. I said Dustin I am up until 11-12. He said Mom we
didn't get back until 1 or 2!
Now part of me feels over protective and annoyed and the other is like chill
out and speak to him when he gets home. This I will do but I wanted to call
back and tell him I would like him to come home so I could find out what would
keep them out until 1 or 2am. He is still over there.... It is a 3 minute bike
ride for him to be home.
Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am with a
non family member? I know the Dad a little, he is a former police officer and
I think if he wasn't I may be more bothered. Maybe a false sense of trust I
don't know......
Our family(Siters child and Me when I was 13 where mollested/raped. Mine is
actually going to DA this month) has had some horrid situations happen and I
think that may be part of my concern and worry.
How much time is too much away from home. My intuition tells me he is gone
too long.
What is the opinion of others on this?
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/03 11:24:08 AM, HMSL2@... writes:
<< Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am with
a
non family member? >>
I wouldn't.
Would being home by 11:00 really be that much better than having fun until
midnight?
I would talk to the dad and see if he minds your son being over there so
much. It might be much better for that family to have an additional kid. I used
other people's kids for stimulation and peace-catalysts LOTS when Kirby and
Marty were little, and there are some families using Holly in that roll now.
Holly was gone almost all weekend, with two different familes, overnighters.
She would come back to change and tell me her next plans. She was never too far
from home, and I know the other families.
If I had kept her home just based on an hour-count, it wouldnt make her happy
to be here, and she would have been missing something really exciting.
Learning happens when kids are excited and happy. I don't need all my kids'
learning to happen where I am.
<<I have hardly seen him the past two and a half weeks. >>
If he's having a really good time and the other family doesn't mind, I'd let
it go.
If I really wanted to see him, I wouldn't say "come home," I'd find something
cool to do and take him AND the other boy to do it. Then you see the
dynamics between them, you give the other dad a break (if you're feeling bad on his
behalf), and you're with your son, seeming cool in the eyes of his friend, and
building for the future.
Sandra
<< Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am with
a
non family member? >>
I wouldn't.
Would being home by 11:00 really be that much better than having fun until
midnight?
I would talk to the dad and see if he minds your son being over there so
much. It might be much better for that family to have an additional kid. I used
other people's kids for stimulation and peace-catalysts LOTS when Kirby and
Marty were little, and there are some families using Holly in that roll now.
Holly was gone almost all weekend, with two different familes, overnighters.
She would come back to change and tell me her next plans. She was never too far
from home, and I know the other families.
If I had kept her home just based on an hour-count, it wouldnt make her happy
to be here, and she would have been missing something really exciting.
Learning happens when kids are excited and happy. I don't need all my kids'
learning to happen where I am.
<<I have hardly seen him the past two and a half weeks. >>
If he's having a really good time and the other family doesn't mind, I'd let
it go.
If I really wanted to see him, I wouldn't say "come home," I'd find something
cool to do and take him AND the other boy to do it. Then you see the
dynamics between them, you give the other dad a break (if you're feeling bad on his
behalf), and you're with your son, seeming cool in the eyes of his friend, and
building for the future.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/2003 1:39:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
doesn't matter much to me. Of course, I, being the worrier would want to
make sure my child was safe and nothing harmful was going on. I wonder about the
whispering, but maybe someone else was still sleeping. If I felt perfectly
secure in the adults supervising my child, then I wouldn't worry, but I would
probably say that I missed having them around and ask if there was something
him and his friend might want to do with me.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
> Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am withI would be concerned IF I didn't know the other adults well. Being an ex-cop
> a
> non family member? >>
>
doesn't matter much to me. Of course, I, being the worrier would want to
make sure my child was safe and nothing harmful was going on. I wonder about the
whispering, but maybe someone else was still sleeping. If I felt perfectly
secure in the adults supervising my child, then I wouldn't worry, but I would
probably say that I missed having them around and ask if there was something
him and his friend might want to do with me.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/2003 1:40:39 PM Eastern Standard Time,
SandraDodd@... writes:
<<<I wouldn't.
Would being home by 11:00 really be that much better than having fun until
midnight?>
Thank you for your reply.
I do think it helps the dad that his son has a playmate. I do feel bad and I
want to take the boys somewhere or do something. Maybe I'll take him surfing
this afternoon, Dustin likes to show others in hopes they may get into the
sport also.
I haven't had him over here yet cuz our house is getting new floors and is
always cluttered construction or not.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
SandraDodd@... writes:
<<<I wouldn't.
Would being home by 11:00 really be that much better than having fun until
midnight?>
Thank you for your reply.
I do think it helps the dad that his son has a playmate. I do feel bad and I
want to take the boys somewhere or do something. Maybe I'll take him surfing
this afternoon, Dustin likes to show others in hopes they may get into the
sport also.
I haven't had him over here yet cuz our house is getting new floors and is
always cluttered construction or not.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/03 10:23:54 AM Pacific Daylight Time, HMSL2@...
writes:
My best friend was over last nite and her son did not come. I was suprised
because, Cody(12) is like the son I will never have and he really gets upset
when they miss their Tuesday nite trip to Rhonda's. His mom said he'd been
hanging out a lot lately with the neighborhood boys. (He goes to school, BTW)
Saturday nite she was waiting for him to come home from miniture golf/mini-amusement
park and at 11:15 she got worried he wasn't home yet. She went outside and
saw her neighbor who took the boys to the park and asked if the boys were back.
The mom said "No, The park closes at midnite and the boys wanted to stay until
it closed." My girlfriend was glad she went outside and just happened to see
the mom, instead of calling Cody on the cell phone the boys had for an
emergency. So if the park was a 30 minute ride to get there, then I would say that
more like than not, your son and his friend and the dad probably stayed until
closing and then maybe grabbed a bite of food.
I'm sure your own tragedy could possibly cloud your vision, but that's okay.
I'd just be careful not to create something that isn't there and putting your
son on the spot. One thing about being with another family, even when it's
something fun, you lose your voice to some degree. He needs to know he has a
voice all the time regardless of where he is or who he is with.
Perhaps rather then questioning him about what happened and why didn't he
call anyway????... maybe you can discuss how you understand he was having fun and
maybe he didn't want to appear to be needing to call his mom, but that is how
your family operates. When you get back, you call. Time is of no bearing.
Make it more about just wanting to know he was safe in a warm house and then you
can go over what they did when he gets home.
Just my two cents,
Rhonda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> Now part of me feels over protective and annoyed and the other is likeHi Laura,
> chill
> out and speak to him when he gets home. This I will do but I wanted to call
> back and tell him I would like him to come home so I could find out what
> would
> keep them out until 1 or 2am. He is still over there.... It is a 3 minute
> bike
> ride for him to be home.
>
> Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or 2 am with a
>
> non family member? I know the Dad a little, he is a former police officer
> and
> I think if he wasn't I may be more bothered. Maybe a false sense of trust I
> don't know......
>
My best friend was over last nite and her son did not come. I was suprised
because, Cody(12) is like the son I will never have and he really gets upset
when they miss their Tuesday nite trip to Rhonda's. His mom said he'd been
hanging out a lot lately with the neighborhood boys. (He goes to school, BTW)
Saturday nite she was waiting for him to come home from miniture golf/mini-amusement
park and at 11:15 she got worried he wasn't home yet. She went outside and
saw her neighbor who took the boys to the park and asked if the boys were back.
The mom said "No, The park closes at midnite and the boys wanted to stay until
it closed." My girlfriend was glad she went outside and just happened to see
the mom, instead of calling Cody on the cell phone the boys had for an
emergency. So if the park was a 30 minute ride to get there, then I would say that
more like than not, your son and his friend and the dad probably stayed until
closing and then maybe grabbed a bite of food.
I'm sure your own tragedy could possibly cloud your vision, but that's okay.
I'd just be careful not to create something that isn't there and putting your
son on the spot. One thing about being with another family, even when it's
something fun, you lose your voice to some degree. He needs to know he has a
voice all the time regardless of where he is or who he is with.
Perhaps rather then questioning him about what happened and why didn't he
call anyway????... maybe you can discuss how you understand he was having fun and
maybe he didn't want to appear to be needing to call his mom, but that is how
your family operates. When you get back, you call. Time is of no bearing.
Make it more about just wanting to know he was safe in a warm house and then you
can go over what they did when he gets home.
Just my two cents,
Rhonda
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
shantinik
> >2 am with a
> > Would any of you take issue with your child being out until 1 or
> >Statistically, most of the really bad stuff happens between 4 and 6
> > non family member?
p.m. in the afternoon.
david
www.skylarksings.com
Mary
From: <HMSL2@...>
<<What is the opinion of others on this?>>
There isn't anything new I can add that hasn't already been said. Just
wanted to let you know that I too would be okay with it. I would comfort
myself by talking to the other parent so that my child wasn't over too much.
It's actually easier for me here when kids come to visit. Keeps all my kids
very busy and allows me free time. It may be the same there. I would hope
that if a family had a problem with a too frequent visitor, they would say
something.
If one of my kids are out and about at that age alone, I might think
differently. Tara was out and about around that age too with friends and
always one mom around. I didn't know all the parents that well. What I
looked at was how the other kids were and how Tara was with them. Kids if
they want can find trouble anywhere.
Tara has a cousin who has mellowed quite a bit now. When she was younger, oh
man. Tara would spend weeks there during the summer. The mom, Tara's aunt,
had no problem with that. I talked to her often and knew her as my ex SIL
for years. She was someone I trusted. I started to see things when the girls
were together. Had nothing to do with the mom. Come to find out, they were
getting into more trouble under the mom's nose than anyone else thought.
Luckily Tara grew up quick. The two of them together shared a brain cell.
Now it's different. Point is the tip off was the kids with each other. Not
who they were with, where or at what time.
Mary B
<<What is the opinion of others on this?>>
There isn't anything new I can add that hasn't already been said. Just
wanted to let you know that I too would be okay with it. I would comfort
myself by talking to the other parent so that my child wasn't over too much.
It's actually easier for me here when kids come to visit. Keeps all my kids
very busy and allows me free time. It may be the same there. I would hope
that if a family had a problem with a too frequent visitor, they would say
something.
If one of my kids are out and about at that age alone, I might think
differently. Tara was out and about around that age too with friends and
always one mom around. I didn't know all the parents that well. What I
looked at was how the other kids were and how Tara was with them. Kids if
they want can find trouble anywhere.
Tara has a cousin who has mellowed quite a bit now. When she was younger, oh
man. Tara would spend weeks there during the summer. The mom, Tara's aunt,
had no problem with that. I talked to her often and knew her as my ex SIL
for years. She was someone I trusted. I started to see things when the girls
were together. Had nothing to do with the mom. Come to find out, they were
getting into more trouble under the mom's nose than anyone else thought.
Luckily Tara grew up quick. The two of them together shared a brain cell.
Now it's different. Point is the tip off was the kids with each other. Not
who they were with, where or at what time.
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 7/2/2003 12:00:44 PM Mountain Daylight Time,
RJHill241@... writes:
If Kirby makes late night decision and is where there's e-mail, he leaves me
a note. I check e-mail before I even consider worrying.
My husband gets up really early, 4:45ish, so we try not to wake him up.
I talk to the older kids and parents myself intead of making it my kid's sole
responsibility, too. If I've asked "How late might it be?" and "where are
you going?" then my kids don't feel they need to check and double check the
plan as it unfolds.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
RJHill241@... writes:
> When you get back, you call. Time is of no bearing.We sometimes name a time. "Call if it's before 11:00."
>
If Kirby makes late night decision and is where there's e-mail, he leaves me
a note. I check e-mail before I even consider worrying.
My husband gets up really early, 4:45ish, so we try not to wake him up.
I talk to the older kids and parents myself intead of making it my kid's sole
responsibility, too. If I've asked "How late might it be?" and "where are
you going?" then my kids don't feel they need to check and double check the
plan as it unfolds.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nora or Devereaux Cannon
Late to this discussion - too much unschooling going on, LOL.
One thing I heard in the post was that the kids' time together
was largely at the other kid's house because of remodeling etc at
home. Unless you are (illegally) spraying lead paint or removing
asbestos - ignore the mess.
Our 6 has a dear friend whose mother is very much like I am, but
she is 25 years younger and raising her first - I am on the
second generation. Attachment parenting, clear vision of
respecting the human being who has come to live with us for a
while, true delight in the experience. However, Friend's mom is
embarrassed about the fact that the house is a mess, is small,
isn't beautiful - all the stuff that when you are just starting
out assumes daunting proportions. In comparison, having
struggled through that phase, we are blessed with a lovely home,
that I more or less easily from habit keep at a comfortable level
of creative chaos. Friend's mom is needlessly embarrassed, but
can't quite get over it.
Net result is that Friend spends days at a time here, to my great
delight. However, friend and daughter both are sad not to be
able to play together with Friend's things (except the ones she
brings) or to explore the truly wonderful things that Friend's
mom does with Friend, the way they explore what I do with dd and
Friend.
We pretty regularly pick up a spare kid for a few days or weeks
or open ended period. I feel sorry for the kids who are never
the hosts for these adventures. DD sees me in a whole different
way when I explain to the visitor that I think toys are important
and will of course buy (within reason) whatever is needed to make
"the game" work or that dinner is always together as a family,
but the other 5 :) meals of the day are served in the way that
delights those who are present, which might be at the table or in
a picnic basket or on a silver tray or set gently into the fridge
for grabbing as desired - DD lives those realities, but doesn't
necessarily perceive them as being the subject of a worldview
that we are each valued and cherished. Friend especially helps
to draw them out, because the differences between her at home
life and DD's are largely ones of personal preference, not
substance - they are all together at lunch time, so it is their
sit down together meal - that kind of thing
I have revised this last paragraph several times, but can't quite
get it to "not say" some things I DO NOT believe. I am not
pushing any idea of making DD grateful for the happenstance of
having a mother with the beliefs that her mother has nor do we
live without compromises about some stuff - it's just that an
extra person adds a lot to what we see about ourselves.
And now the Clue of the Broken Locket MUST be finished or we
simply can't go swimming first thing in the morning, which will
throw off the plan to get all the grocery shopping done tomorrow
for next week when gymnastics camp will already be stressing the
library time....not to mention having a picking party if the
blackberries get ripe as it appears will be the case by 7/6.
One thing I heard in the post was that the kids' time together
was largely at the other kid's house because of remodeling etc at
home. Unless you are (illegally) spraying lead paint or removing
asbestos - ignore the mess.
Our 6 has a dear friend whose mother is very much like I am, but
she is 25 years younger and raising her first - I am on the
second generation. Attachment parenting, clear vision of
respecting the human being who has come to live with us for a
while, true delight in the experience. However, Friend's mom is
embarrassed about the fact that the house is a mess, is small,
isn't beautiful - all the stuff that when you are just starting
out assumes daunting proportions. In comparison, having
struggled through that phase, we are blessed with a lovely home,
that I more or less easily from habit keep at a comfortable level
of creative chaos. Friend's mom is needlessly embarrassed, but
can't quite get over it.
Net result is that Friend spends days at a time here, to my great
delight. However, friend and daughter both are sad not to be
able to play together with Friend's things (except the ones she
brings) or to explore the truly wonderful things that Friend's
mom does with Friend, the way they explore what I do with dd and
Friend.
We pretty regularly pick up a spare kid for a few days or weeks
or open ended period. I feel sorry for the kids who are never
the hosts for these adventures. DD sees me in a whole different
way when I explain to the visitor that I think toys are important
and will of course buy (within reason) whatever is needed to make
"the game" work or that dinner is always together as a family,
but the other 5 :) meals of the day are served in the way that
delights those who are present, which might be at the table or in
a picnic basket or on a silver tray or set gently into the fridge
for grabbing as desired - DD lives those realities, but doesn't
necessarily perceive them as being the subject of a worldview
that we are each valued and cherished. Friend especially helps
to draw them out, because the differences between her at home
life and DD's are largely ones of personal preference, not
substance - they are all together at lunch time, so it is their
sit down together meal - that kind of thing
I have revised this last paragraph several times, but can't quite
get it to "not say" some things I DO NOT believe. I am not
pushing any idea of making DD grateful for the happenstance of
having a mother with the beliefs that her mother has nor do we
live without compromises about some stuff - it's just that an
extra person adds a lot to what we see about ourselves.
And now the Clue of the Broken Locket MUST be finished or we
simply can't go swimming first thing in the morning, which will
throw off the plan to get all the grocery shopping done tomorrow
for next week when gymnastics camp will already be stressing the
library time....not to mention having a picking party if the
blackberries get ripe as it appears will be the case by 7/6.
[email protected]
He finally came home. Turns out Ogunquit beach is open all night. He says he
almost came home last night cuz the boy and he dad where arguing about
everything from the highway to food.
I worried for no reason......
He came home and went back out again turns out on the way home he went and
welcomed a new family to the neighborhood and they invited him over. In the am
he is baking muffins and the other boys are making something and will have
their our pool party. Seems Unschooling is rubbing off on the neighborhood kids : )
I am so thrilled he finally has found some friends that are nice. Today was a
nice.
Thank you all for your emails.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
almost came home last night cuz the boy and he dad where arguing about
everything from the highway to food.
I worried for no reason......
He came home and went back out again turns out on the way home he went and
welcomed a new family to the neighborhood and they invited him over. In the am
he is baking muffins and the other boys are making something and will have
their our pool party. Seems Unschooling is rubbing off on the neighborhood kids : )
I am so thrilled he finally has found some friends that are nice. Today was a
nice.
Thank you all for your emails.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary
From: "Nora or Devereaux Cannon" <dcannon@...>
<<However, Friend's mom is
embarrassed about the fact that the house is a mess, is small,
isn't beautiful - all the stuff that when you are just starting
out assumes daunting proportions. In comparison, having
struggled through that phase, we are blessed with a lovely home,
that I more or less easily from habit keep at a comfortable level
of creative chaos. Friend's mom is needlessly embarrassed, but
can't quite get over it.>>
I was just talking to my friend about this tonight. She called to say hi and
invite us over her house for her son's birthday. We have never been to her
house. I asked if she was sure she wanted my whole clan there!!!! She made
the remark that after we came, we would understand why she always wants to
come to my house. She says her house is small and not neat. That's when I
told her I'm not that kind of friend. <BG>
We have only been in this house for 3 years. That's not long for us at all.
It takes us quite awhile to start and finish projects. It's mostly a money
matter so things get down a little at a time. We are still a work in
progress. At first I didn't want anyone here until the "insert any word
here" was finished. I finally realized that if I waited for the house to
*done* I would never have anyone over!!! The people I'm friends with don't
judge by my house and I don't either. So now we always have people here.
It's easier for me with 3 and all my friends have less kids. Plus we do have
room and the pool and yard and plenty of stuff to play with.
Still I know my kids love to go to someone else's house too. When I told
Joseph about the birthday party, he very happily exclaimed "we've never been
to Ian's house before!!!!" Think he cares how big or neat it is??????
Mary B
<<However, Friend's mom is
embarrassed about the fact that the house is a mess, is small,
isn't beautiful - all the stuff that when you are just starting
out assumes daunting proportions. In comparison, having
struggled through that phase, we are blessed with a lovely home,
that I more or less easily from habit keep at a comfortable level
of creative chaos. Friend's mom is needlessly embarrassed, but
can't quite get over it.>>
I was just talking to my friend about this tonight. She called to say hi and
invite us over her house for her son's birthday. We have never been to her
house. I asked if she was sure she wanted my whole clan there!!!! She made
the remark that after we came, we would understand why she always wants to
come to my house. She says her house is small and not neat. That's when I
told her I'm not that kind of friend. <BG>
We have only been in this house for 3 years. That's not long for us at all.
It takes us quite awhile to start and finish projects. It's mostly a money
matter so things get down a little at a time. We are still a work in
progress. At first I didn't want anyone here until the "insert any word
here" was finished. I finally realized that if I waited for the house to
*done* I would never have anyone over!!! The people I'm friends with don't
judge by my house and I don't either. So now we always have people here.
It's easier for me with 3 and all my friends have less kids. Plus we do have
room and the pool and yard and plenty of stuff to play with.
Still I know my kids love to go to someone else's house too. When I told
Joseph about the birthday party, he very happily exclaimed "we've never been
to Ian's house before!!!!" Think he cares how big or neat it is??????
Mary B