Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Re: sense of own power was making kids taste things/disgusting pudding
Julie Solich
I was driving this a.m. and thinking, "Wow! What a coerced
person I must have been. Why didn't I just say NO!?" But I
realized that I had been trained to "respect adults" and to "not
make a scene." Is that really what we want for our kids? I had no
sense of my own power.
And then I realized that I absolutely *don't* want that for our kids.
In fact, I've gone out of my way to support them when they've tried
to express outrage or frustration because I so don't want them
"bending over" for obnoxious people--adults, kids, spouse or
otherwise.
Julie B
I'm 32 and it's only been in the last year or so that I have reclaimed that sense of my own power. I think back to stuff over the years that I have taken from people and can't believe that was me.
I so want my kids to be their own person and not go through life rolling over showing their bellies. Having the freedom to speak their mind and say what they think.
Jess, my oldest has always done this and maybe that is what has helped me.
A long time ago back in the days when we were going to church, we were in Sunday school and the teacher had just finished singing a song with the kids. She said in her sing song voice, "Wasn't that a lovely song children?" All the kids (some were looking out the window, others playing with their shoes, they all looked bored silly), said yes in unison, you know the long, drawn out, sad sounding yes, except for mine (I think he was three at the time) who piped up clear as day with "No, I didn't like it" . Good for him!
Julie
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
person I must have been. Why didn't I just say NO!?" But I
realized that I had been trained to "respect adults" and to "not
make a scene." Is that really what we want for our kids? I had no
sense of my own power.
And then I realized that I absolutely *don't* want that for our kids.
In fact, I've gone out of my way to support them when they've tried
to express outrage or frustration because I so don't want them
"bending over" for obnoxious people--adults, kids, spouse or
otherwise.
Julie B
I'm 32 and it's only been in the last year or so that I have reclaimed that sense of my own power. I think back to stuff over the years that I have taken from people and can't believe that was me.
I so want my kids to be their own person and not go through life rolling over showing their bellies. Having the freedom to speak their mind and say what they think.
Jess, my oldest has always done this and maybe that is what has helped me.
A long time ago back in the days when we were going to church, we were in Sunday school and the teacher had just finished singing a song with the kids. She said in her sing song voice, "Wasn't that a lovely song children?" All the kids (some were looking out the window, others playing with their shoes, they all looked bored silly), said yes in unison, you know the long, drawn out, sad sounding yes, except for mine (I think he was three at the time) who piped up clear as day with "No, I didn't like it" . Good for him!
Julie
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Susan Fuerst
I had a recent "failure" in this area. We had a warranty technician in
our home to do some minor repairs. He was overbearing and obnoxious.
And eating up too much of our time. All gab, very little work, did not
give me confidence in our builder/house etc. One day as I was trying to
"gently" refocus this guy on his work so I could attend to the
children's needs; he ignored my gentle prodding and continued to gab.
So Abby (8yo) politely enters the conversation and says simply, "Don't
you have a lot of work to do? And don't you think you ought to be doing
it?" The guy gives her this crap about "Don't you think you ought to
respect your elders? And don't you think kids ought to leave grownups
alone?" I was seething...
In hindsight, I wish I had told him that Abby is absolutely right, and
that he has no right to disrespect her. I wish I had then asked him to
leave. Abby and I have talked about it a lot since, and I tell the
story to other adults within her earshot, so she knows I am proud of her
and that I wasn't so proud of me. I thought I had made such progress in
this area, but I'm sliding.
I finally did talk to the guys supervisor. Then the guy gets pissed and
asks if I'm "trying to get him fired" I was a bit scared of him and
felt somewhat threatened by that. After all, he's been in my home,
even worked on locks. I rationalized that I was being a bit paranoid
because it's uncomfortable to let others in your home and trust them.
(though the plumber and the carpet guy amd the heating and air people
etc never gave me that yucky gut feel) Gotta quit letting logic defeat
my intuition!
Susan....up early today for some rambling!
I was driving this a.m. and thinking, "Wow! What a coerced
person I must have been. Why didn't I just say NO!?" But I
realized that I had been trained to "respect adults" and to "not
make a scene." Is that really what we want for our kids? I had no
sense of my own power.
And then I realized that I absolutely *don't* want that for our kids.
In fact, I've gone out of my way to support them when they've tried
to express outrage or frustration because I so don't want them
"bending over" for obnoxious people--adults, kids, spouse or
otherwise.
Julie B
I'm 32 and it's only been in the last year or so that I have reclaimed
that sense of my own power. I think back to stuff over the years that I
have taken from people and can't believe that was me.
I so want my kids to be their own person and not go through life
rolling over showing their bellies. Having the freedom to speak their
mind and say what they think.
Jess, my oldest has always done this and maybe that is what has helped
me.
A long time ago back in the days when we were going to church, we were
in Sunday school and the teacher had just finished singing a song with
the kids. She said in her sing song voice, "Wasn't that a lovely song
children?" All the kids (some were looking out the window, others
playing with their shoes, they all looked bored silly), said yes in
unison, you know the long, drawn out, sad sounding yes, except for mine
(I think he was three at the time) who piped up clear as day with "No, I
didn't like it" . Good for him!
Julie
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our home to do some minor repairs. He was overbearing and obnoxious.
And eating up too much of our time. All gab, very little work, did not
give me confidence in our builder/house etc. One day as I was trying to
"gently" refocus this guy on his work so I could attend to the
children's needs; he ignored my gentle prodding and continued to gab.
So Abby (8yo) politely enters the conversation and says simply, "Don't
you have a lot of work to do? And don't you think you ought to be doing
it?" The guy gives her this crap about "Don't you think you ought to
respect your elders? And don't you think kids ought to leave grownups
alone?" I was seething...
In hindsight, I wish I had told him that Abby is absolutely right, and
that he has no right to disrespect her. I wish I had then asked him to
leave. Abby and I have talked about it a lot since, and I tell the
story to other adults within her earshot, so she knows I am proud of her
and that I wasn't so proud of me. I thought I had made such progress in
this area, but I'm sliding.
I finally did talk to the guys supervisor. Then the guy gets pissed and
asks if I'm "trying to get him fired" I was a bit scared of him and
felt somewhat threatened by that. After all, he's been in my home,
even worked on locks. I rationalized that I was being a bit paranoid
because it's uncomfortable to let others in your home and trust them.
(though the plumber and the carpet guy amd the heating and air people
etc never gave me that yucky gut feel) Gotta quit letting logic defeat
my intuition!
Susan....up early today for some rambling!
I was driving this a.m. and thinking, "Wow! What a coerced
person I must have been. Why didn't I just say NO!?" But I
realized that I had been trained to "respect adults" and to "not
make a scene." Is that really what we want for our kids? I had no
sense of my own power.
And then I realized that I absolutely *don't* want that for our kids.
In fact, I've gone out of my way to support them when they've tried
to express outrage or frustration because I so don't want them
"bending over" for obnoxious people--adults, kids, spouse or
otherwise.
Julie B
I'm 32 and it's only been in the last year or so that I have reclaimed
that sense of my own power. I think back to stuff over the years that I
have taken from people and can't believe that was me.
I so want my kids to be their own person and not go through life
rolling over showing their bellies. Having the freedom to speak their
mind and say what they think.
Jess, my oldest has always done this and maybe that is what has helped
me.
A long time ago back in the days when we were going to church, we were
in Sunday school and the teacher had just finished singing a song with
the kids. She said in her sing song voice, "Wasn't that a lovely song
children?" All the kids (some were looking out the window, others
playing with their shoes, they all looked bored silly), said yes in
unison, you know the long, drawn out, sad sounding yes, except for mine
(I think he was three at the time) who piped up clear as day with "No, I
didn't like it" . Good for him!
Julie
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
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list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
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the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list
owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
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[email protected]
In a message dated 6/10/03 5:48:00 AM, fuerst@... writes:
<< He was overbearing and obnoxious.
And eating up too much of our time. All gab, very little work, did not
give me confidence in our builder/house etc. One day as I was trying to
"gently" refocus this guy on his work so I could attend to the
children's needs; he ignored my gentle prodding and continued to gab. >>
I've told people (but friends, not strangers) that I'm at work when I'm home
with my kids, so the kids' needs come first.
If I visit my friends at work, they say "Just a minute" for phone or talking
to co-workers, and that's how it is when others come here.
If they want my undivided attention, they better take me to dinner and a
movie! <g>
I've interrupted lots of adult conversations with "Just a minute," and then
turned to Holly or Marty and said "Did you need me?"
If they don't like it they can leave.
Or kiss my ass and leave, if they'd prefer.
I wouldn't want to get that guy fired, but I WOULD request a different techni
cian next time, or ask his supervisor to tell him in advance that you don't
want to socialize, just get your stuff fixed quickly and efficiently and
politely.
Sandra
<< He was overbearing and obnoxious.
And eating up too much of our time. All gab, very little work, did not
give me confidence in our builder/house etc. One day as I was trying to
"gently" refocus this guy on his work so I could attend to the
children's needs; he ignored my gentle prodding and continued to gab. >>
I've told people (but friends, not strangers) that I'm at work when I'm home
with my kids, so the kids' needs come first.
If I visit my friends at work, they say "Just a minute" for phone or talking
to co-workers, and that's how it is when others come here.
If they want my undivided attention, they better take me to dinner and a
movie! <g>
I've interrupted lots of adult conversations with "Just a minute," and then
turned to Holly or Marty and said "Did you need me?"
If they don't like it they can leave.
Or kiss my ass and leave, if they'd prefer.
I wouldn't want to get that guy fired, but I WOULD request a different techni
cian next time, or ask his supervisor to tell him in advance that you don't
want to socialize, just get your stuff fixed quickly and efficiently and
politely.
Sandra
Robyn Coburn
<<<I finally did talk to the guys supervisor. Then the guy gets pissed
and asks if I'm "trying to get him fired" I was a bit scared of him and
felt somewhat threatened by that. After all, he's been in my home,
even worked on locks. I rationalized that I was being a bit paranoid
because it's uncomfortable to let others in your home and trust them.
(though the plumber and the carpet guy amd the heating and air people
etc never gave me that yucky gut feel) Gotta quit letting logic defeat
my intuition!>>>
Don't do that! I am a great believer in intuition. I don't know what to
suggest beyond endorsing the idea of asking for a different person from
the supervisor - but I say do trust your intuition/feelings about people
and their behavior like this. You may be picking up subliminal clues. A
tradesman who has been to your house has a thousand ways of taking
revenge in paltry ways, and frankly I might be considering different
locks if the person who had been working on them made me feel nervous
for no logical reason. (I keep thinking of Rebecca Smart)
Robyn Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
and asks if I'm "trying to get him fired" I was a bit scared of him and
felt somewhat threatened by that. After all, he's been in my home,
even worked on locks. I rationalized that I was being a bit paranoid
because it's uncomfortable to let others in your home and trust them.
(though the plumber and the carpet guy amd the heating and air people
etc never gave me that yucky gut feel) Gotta quit letting logic defeat
my intuition!>>>
Don't do that! I am a great believer in intuition. I don't know what to
suggest beyond endorsing the idea of asking for a different person from
the supervisor - but I say do trust your intuition/feelings about people
and their behavior like this. You may be picking up subliminal clues. A
tradesman who has been to your house has a thousand ways of taking
revenge in paltry ways, and frankly I might be considering different
locks if the person who had been working on them made me feel nervous
for no logical reason. (I keep thinking of Rebecca Smart)
Robyn Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Susan Fuerst
Robyn and Sandra,
I did talk with the supervisor. In fact, dh insisted we have a
face-to-face meeting. SO the supervisor comes out and actually fixed
the locks in question, for one. I had thought it through and did tell
him I don't want that technician again. I was able to find some
specific behaviors that I could point out. The primary one being that
he asked if I'm "trying to get him fired". And I have actually thought
of many more specifics that built up my distrust of him. (When he was
in our basement, he would *look things over* and ask if I wanted to
sell them; he frequently mentions the poor quality of subcontractors
used by the builder) I know it would come down to my word against
his...and the supervisor is very loyal to his employees. I found myself
wishing I had recorded some of these conversations! But I did insist
that he send a different technician.
Part of what gets my shorts in a bundle is the attitude even the
supervisor has about "homeschooling, stay at home moms". He says in
almost every conversation...well, you're home all the time. I have
explained to him that I certainly am Not and that even if I were, I
need the courtesy of a call to schedule work at the house. However, I
find I often don't get my point across because I couch it too "gently".
I asked Joe (dh) later how I did and he said he thought I was too easy
on him.
I had been doing so much better in this area last year! I even got
called a "hothead" for the first time in my 38 (then) years! Joe says I
need to maintain some of that 'hotheadedness' ...meaning say what I
think and don't be concerned about how the other people feel.
I have another test of this currently. Our neighborhood is newly
build/building and has a Social Committee. They were haphazardly
electing new officers at the last meeting. Prior to the meeting several
neighbors asked me if I would be an officer. I said "no". When they
asked, I explained that I didn't consider planning social activities to
be an area of talent for me. To one of them I confided that I do not
want to commit to anything this year. To one I (who knows about my
parents deaths and my exhausting caregiving experience), I confided
that I consider myself on sabbatical ("year of rest") for this year.
And that means my needs and those of my dh and children consume my time.
Specifically, it means I certainly would not make long term commitments,
though I may assist in small ways if it falls into place.
Anyway, at the meeting, when no one was volunteering, this neighbor
announces that she has a 'package deal' in mind - she will be VP and I
(me) will be secretary. I said no and said I had other commitments for
this year that do not allow time for this. But these people continue to
ask me if I've 'thought about it' and the neighbor seems to think I am
the secretary.
I know that I need to put my position in writing, but have avoided it. I
am spending way too much time wondering how pissed the neighbor will be;
will it affect our dd's (her 5yo) has become friends with my dd.
Susan ...needs ome communication lessons!
PS. An INFP with a very strong introversion on a 'social committee'???
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I did talk with the supervisor. In fact, dh insisted we have a
face-to-face meeting. SO the supervisor comes out and actually fixed
the locks in question, for one. I had thought it through and did tell
him I don't want that technician again. I was able to find some
specific behaviors that I could point out. The primary one being that
he asked if I'm "trying to get him fired". And I have actually thought
of many more specifics that built up my distrust of him. (When he was
in our basement, he would *look things over* and ask if I wanted to
sell them; he frequently mentions the poor quality of subcontractors
used by the builder) I know it would come down to my word against
his...and the supervisor is very loyal to his employees. I found myself
wishing I had recorded some of these conversations! But I did insist
that he send a different technician.
Part of what gets my shorts in a bundle is the attitude even the
supervisor has about "homeschooling, stay at home moms". He says in
almost every conversation...well, you're home all the time. I have
explained to him that I certainly am Not and that even if I were, I
need the courtesy of a call to schedule work at the house. However, I
find I often don't get my point across because I couch it too "gently".
I asked Joe (dh) later how I did and he said he thought I was too easy
on him.
I had been doing so much better in this area last year! I even got
called a "hothead" for the first time in my 38 (then) years! Joe says I
need to maintain some of that 'hotheadedness' ...meaning say what I
think and don't be concerned about how the other people feel.
I have another test of this currently. Our neighborhood is newly
build/building and has a Social Committee. They were haphazardly
electing new officers at the last meeting. Prior to the meeting several
neighbors asked me if I would be an officer. I said "no". When they
asked, I explained that I didn't consider planning social activities to
be an area of talent for me. To one of them I confided that I do not
want to commit to anything this year. To one I (who knows about my
parents deaths and my exhausting caregiving experience), I confided
that I consider myself on sabbatical ("year of rest") for this year.
And that means my needs and those of my dh and children consume my time.
Specifically, it means I certainly would not make long term commitments,
though I may assist in small ways if it falls into place.
Anyway, at the meeting, when no one was volunteering, this neighbor
announces that she has a 'package deal' in mind - she will be VP and I
(me) will be secretary. I said no and said I had other commitments for
this year that do not allow time for this. But these people continue to
ask me if I've 'thought about it' and the neighbor seems to think I am
the secretary.
I know that I need to put my position in writing, but have avoided it. I
am spending way too much time wondering how pissed the neighbor will be;
will it affect our dd's (her 5yo) has become friends with my dd.
Susan ...needs ome communication lessons!
PS. An INFP with a very strong introversion on a 'social committee'???
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list
owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
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Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to
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