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In a message dated 6/6/03 8:45:40 AM Eastern Daylight Time, Mattydill@...
writes:


> Question. What is the "unchooling" thinking on family responsibilities in
> regards to the children? Things such as: cleaning up one's messes...
> helping
> clean out the garage... mom makes a committment that affects the children
> (because mom is with kids 24/7)... things like that. ~Kris
>
>
In case it is not the proper forum to ask here, could anyone suggest where I
might find information about the above question : ) ~Kris



[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Julie Bogart

--- In [email protected], Mattydill@a...
wrote:
> In a message dated 6/6/03 8:45:40 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
Mattydill@a...
> writes:
>
>
> > Question. What is the "unchooling" thinking on family
responsibilities in
> > regards to the children? Things such as: cleaning up one's
messes...
> > helping
> > clean out the garage... mom makes a committment that
affects the children
> > (because mom is with kids 24/7)... things like that. ~Kris
>
Hi Kris.

This is a good use of this list, I think. It's where I had all my
notions challenged and I'm still making gradual changes.

Here are a few principles I've gleaned.

1. We are the parents and we have the power. That means that
we have a bigger responsiblity to be aware of how powerless it
must feel to be a child in the home of a parent. If I'm an alcoholic,
my kids partake. If my husband gets a new job, my kids have to
move and make new friends. If we buy a house with a huge yard,
there is a ton of grass to mow. Since the choices we make
directly affect the lives and well-being of our children, I've come to
believe that it is our primary responsiblity to make sure that our
children have as many choices as possible within the already
givens they must live with until they are on their own.

2. That means that if I talk my husband into a big house and
yard, he and I ought to be the ones who primarily take care of
it--paint it, mow the lawn, clean it up, maintain it. We now are
making decisions with that in mind. Do I want to buy this kind of
furniture if it means that I have to supervise and guard it, making
the kids miserable?

3. Asking for help is fine. We are learning that it's wonderful to
help each other out. I used to think that I had a right to my
children's help and I spent far too much time resenting either
their half-done jobs, their procrastination or their bad attitudes
when doing the work. Once I flipped my perspective, I saw that it
was a gift from my kids to me that they would wash the dishes or
mow the lawn. Those things didn't mean as much to them. And
yet they were willing to do them.

So I changed my phrasing and now say: "Can anyone help me
get this kitchen cleaned up?" If they say no, I do as much as I
can. But now, during the last six month, my kids are just helping
all the time and I can't believe it.

A few weeks ago, I had had a full day of schlepping kids to
sports and an evening homeschool program. I came home to a
huge amount of dishes. I heaved a sigh. I knew I had to do them.
Out of the blue while clicking away on the X box, my 15 year old
said, "Hey Mom. Let me do those. Youget to bed. I can just do
them and listen to my music. I'm not tired."

THAT is how it is now so often. What a difference.

3. I offer to help often. When anyone is struggling with what they
need to do or get done, I pitch in right away.

Hth, Kris.

Julie