Compassion
moonstarshooter
I am not sure where to start with this, so I guess I will get right
to the question: Is compassion something you can learn? Is it
something a 6yo can learn? Do some people just have it, and others
don't?
Background: My daughter is a very factual, literal, not-overly-
emotional child. She is very lacking in intuition or compassion.
She does not notice, or at least she does not seem affected by,
people in pain (physical or emotional.) (She has millions of
wonderful qualities, don't get me wrong, but they are not the ones I
am concerned about.)
She does not realize when something she does is hurtful until I
really sit her down and explain it. Then she is very remorseful.
That, I figure, may come with time. What concerns me more is how
unaffected she is by people in pain.
For instance, one morning during her gymnastics class I almost passed
out, and had to lay down on a mat and several people were gathered
around me. It was near the end of class so the instructor led the
class to a side room so that they wouldn't see what was going on.
(Although they had to walk by me to get there.) Most of the kids had
looks on their faces like they were worried or wondering what was
going on. All my daughter was concerned about was telling me she is
thirsty, can she get a drink. The other kids all picked up on the
idea that something was wrong, but not her.
Fast forward to tonight: My dad had back surgery yesterday, and it
was a much more serious operation than any of us realized. So
finally tonight he was moved out of recovery and into surgical
intensive care unit, so we went to visit him. I took her, partly
because I knew it wouldn't phase her, partly because I was hoping it
would. When we walked into his room, she asked, "Is that Papa?"
because he really looked different. He was coming in and out of
consciousness, and kept wanting to change position (which hurt him
tremendously) and was trying to pull at his many tubes, so they had
to restrain him. It was really pitiful. But even in the midst of
it, all she was worried about was whether she would be home in time
for a tv show. Then she asked why we were staying so long (about 40
minutes) and I finally went over and explained to her that he had
been there all by himself (without family, anyway) all day, and he
was in pain, and then I asked her to think about what she would want
if she were in pain in a strange place. I saw a glimmer of
understanding.
I don't expect her to ever be an overly-compassionate, merciful type
of person. But I do wonder if there is something I should be doing
to help her see things from other people's perspectives. Maybe just
taking it incident by incident is all I can do. I know I am in a lot
of conflict right now just over seeing my dad like that, so maybe I
am making more of this than I should. I don't know. I would
appreciate any thoughts.
Tory
PS: She did cry when she watched ET and Air Bud, so it is in there
somewhere. Mainly for animals and extraterrestrials, though, it
seems. :-)
to the question: Is compassion something you can learn? Is it
something a 6yo can learn? Do some people just have it, and others
don't?
Background: My daughter is a very factual, literal, not-overly-
emotional child. She is very lacking in intuition or compassion.
She does not notice, or at least she does not seem affected by,
people in pain (physical or emotional.) (She has millions of
wonderful qualities, don't get me wrong, but they are not the ones I
am concerned about.)
She does not realize when something she does is hurtful until I
really sit her down and explain it. Then she is very remorseful.
That, I figure, may come with time. What concerns me more is how
unaffected she is by people in pain.
For instance, one morning during her gymnastics class I almost passed
out, and had to lay down on a mat and several people were gathered
around me. It was near the end of class so the instructor led the
class to a side room so that they wouldn't see what was going on.
(Although they had to walk by me to get there.) Most of the kids had
looks on their faces like they were worried or wondering what was
going on. All my daughter was concerned about was telling me she is
thirsty, can she get a drink. The other kids all picked up on the
idea that something was wrong, but not her.
Fast forward to tonight: My dad had back surgery yesterday, and it
was a much more serious operation than any of us realized. So
finally tonight he was moved out of recovery and into surgical
intensive care unit, so we went to visit him. I took her, partly
because I knew it wouldn't phase her, partly because I was hoping it
would. When we walked into his room, she asked, "Is that Papa?"
because he really looked different. He was coming in and out of
consciousness, and kept wanting to change position (which hurt him
tremendously) and was trying to pull at his many tubes, so they had
to restrain him. It was really pitiful. But even in the midst of
it, all she was worried about was whether she would be home in time
for a tv show. Then she asked why we were staying so long (about 40
minutes) and I finally went over and explained to her that he had
been there all by himself (without family, anyway) all day, and he
was in pain, and then I asked her to think about what she would want
if she were in pain in a strange place. I saw a glimmer of
understanding.
I don't expect her to ever be an overly-compassionate, merciful type
of person. But I do wonder if there is something I should be doing
to help her see things from other people's perspectives. Maybe just
taking it incident by incident is all I can do. I know I am in a lot
of conflict right now just over seeing my dad like that, so maybe I
am making more of this than I should. I don't know. I would
appreciate any thoughts.
Tory
PS: She did cry when she watched ET and Air Bud, so it is in there
somewhere. Mainly for animals and extraterrestrials, though, it
seems. :-)
liza sabater
On Wednesday, May 28, 2003, at 22:31 America/New_York, moonstarshooter
wrote:
ADORE each other. Actually, we are all so close that we are more like
family than friends. Evan would hear a baby cry as an infant, and bawl
his eyes out. These days he takes it upon himself to soothe the baby
(or child). Ethan can be standing right next to someone who has just
had an accident and not even notice. It used to freak me out because I
adore that child and Hanna and I have discussed this to great lengths.
We have 2 theories. One is that he can't split his focus on two
different things. Two, he freaks when he sees someone in distress and
basically shuts down emotionally ---in other words, it's his own way of
coping or bringing back balance to a stressful situation.
As to learning compassion, yes, I think it can be learned. He had an
incident about a year and a half ago in which he hurt Evan. We were out
in the playground and I had to come back home with him to clean the
dirt and grit off his eyes (they actually were irritated for a few
days). Ethan was so upset, he described feeling his 'heart explode'
because he did not know what to do to make Evan feel better --he really
had not intended to hurt his friend. So I guess, that's why he shuts
off --imagine his heart exploding all the time! Evan, on the other
hand, is the polar opposite --he cries and shrieks about anything and
everything ---he gets so overcome by his emotions that he plops in the
floor, a bag of tears*.
So it's funny because Ethan and Evan --although on different ends of
the empathy spectrum-- need to learn anyway how not to be overcome by
their emotions and how to express them with words. So I guess they
balance each other out :-)
/ l i z a
* This may sound a bit harsh but when it happens 4,5,6,10 times a day,
you cannot but be a bit distant about this. And this coming from the
mom that invented the 'anti-booboo kiss'.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wrote:
> She does not realize when something she does is hurtful until IShe sounds a lot like my best friend's son. Evan (my son) and Ethan
> really sit her down and explain it. Then she is very remorseful.
> That, I figure, may come with time. What concerns me more is how
> unaffected she is by people in pain.
ADORE each other. Actually, we are all so close that we are more like
family than friends. Evan would hear a baby cry as an infant, and bawl
his eyes out. These days he takes it upon himself to soothe the baby
(or child). Ethan can be standing right next to someone who has just
had an accident and not even notice. It used to freak me out because I
adore that child and Hanna and I have discussed this to great lengths.
We have 2 theories. One is that he can't split his focus on two
different things. Two, he freaks when he sees someone in distress and
basically shuts down emotionally ---in other words, it's his own way of
coping or bringing back balance to a stressful situation.
As to learning compassion, yes, I think it can be learned. He had an
incident about a year and a half ago in which he hurt Evan. We were out
in the playground and I had to come back home with him to clean the
dirt and grit off his eyes (they actually were irritated for a few
days). Ethan was so upset, he described feeling his 'heart explode'
because he did not know what to do to make Evan feel better --he really
had not intended to hurt his friend. So I guess, that's why he shuts
off --imagine his heart exploding all the time! Evan, on the other
hand, is the polar opposite --he cries and shrieks about anything and
everything ---he gets so overcome by his emotions that he plops in the
floor, a bag of tears*.
So it's funny because Ethan and Evan --although on different ends of
the empathy spectrum-- need to learn anyway how not to be overcome by
their emotions and how to express them with words. So I guess they
balance each other out :-)
/ l i z a
* This may sound a bit harsh but when it happens 4,5,6,10 times a day,
you cannot but be a bit distant about this. And this coming from the
mom that invented the 'anti-booboo kiss'.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]