Boys and Girls
jmcseals SEALS
My daughter went to camp this weekend. Since she was alone (most everyone
had siblings or long time friends with them. she was to share a tent with
the owner and an older teenage girl. As luck would have it, it began
raining and hailing around 11pm. They have a shed-type building with a
large covered patio area. Everyone grabbed their sleeping bags an slept
under the covered patio. Everyone except Haleigh (12) and a 14 yr old boy.
They slept in the shed. She said the doors were open out to where everyone
else was sleeping.
I tried not to let my head run wild but it really bothered me. I casually
asked some questions and it sounded like it was no big deal so I did my best
to put it out of my mind, though I was and still am bothered that the owner
would have allowed that without my permission or bothering to tell me
afterwards. Haleigh said they didn't exchange numbers or anything so it
really didn't seem to be a big deal at all.
Well, today I was looking for a real estate agents number I had dialed on my
cell phone and came across a number I didn't recognize. When I asked
Haleigh about it, she said it was this boy's number and she had called him.
Twice. We talked about her lying to me and telling me she didn't exchange
numbers with him. I didn't really feel good about it afterwards though.
She seemed to dismiss everything I was saying like it was no big deal.
I saw that she tried to call him today and told her that he was probably in
school. She said he was suspended for fighting with his teacher. She said
she didn't know more than that.
So, now I'm really bothered. My husband is freaking out about them staying
in the shed together. I told him I wasn't worried about them having sex,
that I didn't feel like Haleigh was 'there' at all. His reply was that I
obviously know nothing about 14 year old boys, especially public schooled
boys on suspension. He thinks this boy is BAD news.
Safe to say that now I am doing everything in my power not to lose my mind.
I want to be level headed about it but I'm feeling a though I can't trust
her now. This camp is a monthy camp and she wants to go back next month.
Now I don't even want her to go. Am I wrong? I don't even know where to
begin in trying to handle this situation. I don't want to be way too
overprotective but at the same time, I don't want to be naive and put her in
a dangerous situation.
I need a gentle helping hand here. I don't want to push her away but I want
to be able to talk to her without her feeling defensive and doing something
she might later regret.
Thanks,
Jennifer
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had siblings or long time friends with them. she was to share a tent with
the owner and an older teenage girl. As luck would have it, it began
raining and hailing around 11pm. They have a shed-type building with a
large covered patio area. Everyone grabbed their sleeping bags an slept
under the covered patio. Everyone except Haleigh (12) and a 14 yr old boy.
They slept in the shed. She said the doors were open out to where everyone
else was sleeping.
I tried not to let my head run wild but it really bothered me. I casually
asked some questions and it sounded like it was no big deal so I did my best
to put it out of my mind, though I was and still am bothered that the owner
would have allowed that without my permission or bothering to tell me
afterwards. Haleigh said they didn't exchange numbers or anything so it
really didn't seem to be a big deal at all.
Well, today I was looking for a real estate agents number I had dialed on my
cell phone and came across a number I didn't recognize. When I asked
Haleigh about it, she said it was this boy's number and she had called him.
Twice. We talked about her lying to me and telling me she didn't exchange
numbers with him. I didn't really feel good about it afterwards though.
She seemed to dismiss everything I was saying like it was no big deal.
I saw that she tried to call him today and told her that he was probably in
school. She said he was suspended for fighting with his teacher. She said
she didn't know more than that.
So, now I'm really bothered. My husband is freaking out about them staying
in the shed together. I told him I wasn't worried about them having sex,
that I didn't feel like Haleigh was 'there' at all. His reply was that I
obviously know nothing about 14 year old boys, especially public schooled
boys on suspension. He thinks this boy is BAD news.
Safe to say that now I am doing everything in my power not to lose my mind.
I want to be level headed about it but I'm feeling a though I can't trust
her now. This camp is a monthy camp and she wants to go back next month.
Now I don't even want her to go. Am I wrong? I don't even know where to
begin in trying to handle this situation. I don't want to be way too
overprotective but at the same time, I don't want to be naive and put her in
a dangerous situation.
I need a gentle helping hand here. I don't want to push her away but I want
to be able to talk to her without her feeling defensive and doing something
she might later regret.
Thanks,
Jennifer
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Robyn Coburn
Are you able to invite the boy over to your house so that you can meet
him, and get to know him? "Fighting with the teacher" could be the
teacher's fault for all we know. If he does turn out to be a dangerous
acquaintance, for want of a better phrase, your vigilance in wanting to
meet him may be enough to discourage him. I suspect also that Haleigh
saw right through you "being casual" in your questions and sensed your
distrust, and reacted with her own dishonesty. I suspect that being
scrupulously honest to her about your fears will have a better result in
the long run. If you are bothered by something the owner did, that is
the person to talk to about those feelings. (Sometimes easier said than
done!) Good luck.
Robyn Coburn
<<I tried not to let my head run wild but it really bothered me. I
casually asked some questions and it sounded like it was no big deal so
I did my best to put it out of my mind, though I was and still am
bothered that the owner would have allowed that without my permission or
bothering to tell me afterwards. Haleigh said they didn't exchange
numbers or anything so it really didn't seem to be a big deal at all.>>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
him, and get to know him? "Fighting with the teacher" could be the
teacher's fault for all we know. If he does turn out to be a dangerous
acquaintance, for want of a better phrase, your vigilance in wanting to
meet him may be enough to discourage him. I suspect also that Haleigh
saw right through you "being casual" in your questions and sensed your
distrust, and reacted with her own dishonesty. I suspect that being
scrupulously honest to her about your fears will have a better result in
the long run. If you are bothered by something the owner did, that is
the person to talk to about those feelings. (Sometimes easier said than
done!) Good luck.
Robyn Coburn
<<I tried not to let my head run wild but it really bothered me. I
casually asked some questions and it sounded like it was no big deal so
I did my best to put it out of my mind, though I was and still am
bothered that the owner would have allowed that without my permission or
bothering to tell me afterwards. Haleigh said they didn't exchange
numbers or anything so it really didn't seem to be a big deal at all.>>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals SEALS
He lives well over an hour away, so inviting him over would be somewhat of a
challenge. You are probably right, she most likely saw that I was
suspicious and that put her defenses up. I did talk to her today about my
fears and concerns. She started crying and said I am making a big deal out
of it. Maybe I am. I just have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach
that I can't seem to shake.
I do need to talk to the owner of the camp but I'm not good about experssing
my concerns without sounding accusing, though, at the same time, I feel like
she shouldn't have allowed them to sleep alone together. As a group, fine,
but just the two of them is too much for me personally. It might be
different were Haleigh 15 or 16, but she just turned 12! I really have a
problem with her being alone like that with a 14 yr old boy in high school.
I'd feel the same way if it were my 12 yr old son sleeping alone with a 14
yr old girl.
Ugh. I'm just repeating myself now, huh? lol I'll shut up! :)
Jennifer
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
challenge. You are probably right, she most likely saw that I was
suspicious and that put her defenses up. I did talk to her today about my
fears and concerns. She started crying and said I am making a big deal out
of it. Maybe I am. I just have that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach
that I can't seem to shake.
I do need to talk to the owner of the camp but I'm not good about experssing
my concerns without sounding accusing, though, at the same time, I feel like
she shouldn't have allowed them to sleep alone together. As a group, fine,
but just the two of them is too much for me personally. It might be
different were Haleigh 15 or 16, but she just turned 12! I really have a
problem with her being alone like that with a 14 yr old boy in high school.
I'd feel the same way if it were my 12 yr old son sleeping alone with a 14
yr old girl.
Ugh. I'm just repeating myself now, huh? lol I'll shut up! :)
Jennifer
_________________________________________________________________
MSN 8 with e-mail virus protection service: 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sara
Jennifer...It's my guess that the attention she got from him was
very important because she knew no one else. He was likely nice to
her and she may be having one great big daydream about him...mix
that with a few phone calls and I'd say she's in 12yo heaven. He may
not be giving her the time of day but I think your gut instinct that
more happened is not all wrong. I don't think they had sex because I
think she would have fallen apart or exhibited different behavior
when you talked to her. What to do next?
I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened. It is their place to help you resolve this. It did happen
on their watch. Have someone close to you or possibly someone online
help you pen the note so as NOT to be accusatory. Tell your daughter
what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it.
Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? It's very hard to address this because he does live far
away. Fighting with teachers is common. My 17yo P.Sch. stepson has
gotten into it with one or two teachers. He's not a bad kid; he just
goofs off too much and they finally get enough of him...but he
doesn't physically fight. I wonder more about his situtation?
very important because she knew no one else. He was likely nice to
her and she may be having one great big daydream about him...mix
that with a few phone calls and I'd say she's in 12yo heaven. He may
not be giving her the time of day but I think your gut instinct that
more happened is not all wrong. I don't think they had sex because I
think she would have fallen apart or exhibited different behavior
when you talked to her. What to do next?
I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened. It is their place to help you resolve this. It did happen
on their watch. Have someone close to you or possibly someone online
help you pen the note so as NOT to be accusatory. Tell your daughter
what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it.
Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? It's very hard to address this because he does live far
away. Fighting with teachers is common. My 17yo P.Sch. stepson has
gotten into it with one or two teachers. He's not a bad kid; he just
goofs off too much and they finally get enough of him...but he
doesn't physically fight. I wonder more about his situtation?
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/27/03 3:51:29 PM, dezigna@... writes:
<< Are you able to invite the boy over to your house so that you can meet
him, and get to know him? "Fighting with the teacher" could be the
teacher's fault for all we know. If he does turn out to be a dangerous
acquaintance, for want of a better phrase, your vigilance in wanting to
meet him may be enough to discourage him. >>
I agree totally with this advice, but don't invite him over like he's on
trial, find something actually cool to do and invite him to go with your family,
maybe. So you can watch him when he's not watching you watch him. Maybe
you'll really like him.
Sandra
<< Are you able to invite the boy over to your house so that you can meet
him, and get to know him? "Fighting with the teacher" could be the
teacher's fault for all we know. If he does turn out to be a dangerous
acquaintance, for want of a better phrase, your vigilance in wanting to
meet him may be enough to discourage him. >>
I agree totally with this advice, but don't invite him over like he's on
trial, find something actually cool to do and invite him to go with your family,
maybe. So you can watch him when he's not watching you watch him. Maybe
you'll really like him.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/27/03 5:25:23 PM, cheeps4u@... writes:
<< He may
not be giving her the time of day but I think your gut instinct that
more happened is not all wrong. I don't think they had sex because I
think she would have fallen apart or exhibited different behavior
when you talked to her. >>
I agree with that too. I had forgotten how young she was.
Marty is fourteen and he wouldn't put the moves on a girl, and he HAS slept
next to girls, though not all alone. But he went through a rainstorm Sunday
night and though none of the girls ended up in his tent, three ended up in
Kirby's. As one was his 18 year old female cousin, nobody worried about Kirby
either. <g>
<<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened. It is their place to help you resolve this. It did happen
on their watch. Have someone close to you or possibly someone online
help you pen the note so as NOT to be accusatory. >>
Another excellent idea. Do it in writing and don't assume the worst. They
might not even have known the kids ended up being the only two there.
<<Tell your daughter
what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it. >>
She can talk to boys all she wants, frankly, though she might have to learn
to lie better to do it. I wouldn't make an ultimatum. She can go to other
houses or run away if she REALLY wants to talk to boys that badly. Or parents
can give a kid a choice between home on strict terms or their own choices, and
lots of parents who do that lose kids.
But this one's very young, and to treat this boy like a suitor or unwed
father is over-reaction, I'm guessing. He might have no personal interest and was
just being gallant, and might not appreciate being invited to do something
with her family just because he was nice to her in a rain storm. So I withdraw
my earlier suggestion (or agreement to someone else's suggestion <bwg>).
<<Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? >>
Maybe he doesn't especially want to be around her, not in any particular way.
Sandra
<< He may
not be giving her the time of day but I think your gut instinct that
more happened is not all wrong. I don't think they had sex because I
think she would have fallen apart or exhibited different behavior
when you talked to her. >>
I agree with that too. I had forgotten how young she was.
Marty is fourteen and he wouldn't put the moves on a girl, and he HAS slept
next to girls, though not all alone. But he went through a rainstorm Sunday
night and though none of the girls ended up in his tent, three ended up in
Kirby's. As one was his 18 year old female cousin, nobody worried about Kirby
either. <g>
<<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened. It is their place to help you resolve this. It did happen
on their watch. Have someone close to you or possibly someone online
help you pen the note so as NOT to be accusatory. >>
Another excellent idea. Do it in writing and don't assume the worst. They
might not even have known the kids ended up being the only two there.
<<Tell your daughter
what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it. >>
She can talk to boys all she wants, frankly, though she might have to learn
to lie better to do it. I wouldn't make an ultimatum. She can go to other
houses or run away if she REALLY wants to talk to boys that badly. Or parents
can give a kid a choice between home on strict terms or their own choices, and
lots of parents who do that lose kids.
But this one's very young, and to treat this boy like a suitor or unwed
father is over-reaction, I'm guessing. He might have no personal interest and was
just being gallant, and might not appreciate being invited to do something
with her family just because he was nice to her in a rain storm. So I withdraw
my earlier suggestion (or agreement to someone else's suggestion <bwg>).
<<Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? >>
Maybe he doesn't especially want to be around her, not in any particular way.
Sandra
Dave and Shannon
I know this has been asked too many times to count, but what is the url for
the South Carolina Unschooling conference.
Shannon Buckley
Mom to Connor 3-15-97, Carsten born at home 4-27-99/5-19-00 and Quinn born
at home 8-08-02
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the South Carolina Unschooling conference.
Shannon Buckley
Mom to Connor 3-15-97, Carsten born at home 4-27-99/5-19-00 and Quinn born
at home 8-08-02
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
glad2bmadly
Shannon, are you going? Yeah!!!! I am going with a friend. I can't bring the boys because their cousins will be here visiting that week. Nicolas is staying here becuase of that and farm work. I really hope you go! Have you been before? I have become a recent addict here, just lurking. It's been great to see you here a few times.
-Maddie from cbwk
Dave and Shannon <davenshan@...> wrote:
I know this has been asked too many times to count, but what is the url for
the South Carolina Unschooling conference.
Shannon Buckley
Mom to Connor 3-15-97, Carsten born at home 4-27-99/5-19-00 and Quinn born
at home 8-08-02
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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-Maddie from cbwk
Dave and Shannon <davenshan@...> wrote:
I know this has been asked too many times to count, but what is the url for
the South Carolina Unschooling conference.
Shannon Buckley
Mom to Connor 3-15-97, Carsten born at home 4-27-99/5-19-00 and Quinn born
at home 8-08-02
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
---------------------------------
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Free online calendar with sync to Outlook(TM).
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals SEALS
<<It's my guess that the attention she got from him was
very important because she knew no one else.>>>
Actually, all the same kids were there at both camp sessions, give or take
one or two. She met a girl she really likes but they didn't exchange
numbers. I asked her why and she said she wants to get to know her better
before she asks for her number. LOL! I died laughing and so did she. I
think it dawned on her that she didn't know Scott any better than Kristen
but she and Scott exchanged numbers. It was hilarious. Helped to lighten
up the topic for her and made her feel more comfortable talking to me about
him. That was nice. :)
<< He was likely nice to
her and she may be having one great big daydream about him...mix
that with a few phone calls and I'd say she's in 12yo heaven.>>
LOL, yes, I think she's in lala land! :)
<<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened.>>
I've been doing just that. My husband and I have been working on what to
say to her. Either by phone or letter, we haven't yet decided which.
<< Tell your daughter what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she
handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it. >>>
We talked a lot about this last night. I think once she understood that I
was worried, she felt much better about being open with me. I was able to
share some of my own experiences with her and mistakes I had made. We
talked about friendships and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and broken
hearts, hormones, sex, pregnancy, STD's....all things we have discussed
before but had much more relevance this time. It was a good conversation
for both of us. She asked a lot of questions and we worked through a lot of
scenarios and answers together, rather than me just giving her yes and no
answers.
<<Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? It's very hard to address this because he does live far
away.>>
We met Scott when we took her to camp. I really liked him! He and my
husband talked car audio stuff and he very kindly greeted Haleigh when he
walked up. My first impression was *very* good, which helps a lot!
<<Fighting with teachers is common. My 17yo P.Sch. stepson has
gotten into it with one or two teachers. He's not a bad kid; he just
goofs off too much and they finally get enough of him...but he
doesn't physically fight. I wonder more about his situtation?>>
She said he did something or said something (wasn't sure which) and the
teacher slammed the door in his face. He then popped off with some comment
that didn't go over well. She said he told her it just sort of slipped on
accident. Sounded reasonable to me.
Thanks for your suggestions! I wrote a reply last night but my computer
shut down just as I was ready to send. Grrr.
Jennifer
_________________________________________________________________
The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
very important because she knew no one else.>>>
Actually, all the same kids were there at both camp sessions, give or take
one or two. She met a girl she really likes but they didn't exchange
numbers. I asked her why and she said she wants to get to know her better
before she asks for her number. LOL! I died laughing and so did she. I
think it dawned on her that she didn't know Scott any better than Kristen
but she and Scott exchanged numbers. It was hilarious. Helped to lighten
up the topic for her and made her feel more comfortable talking to me about
him. That was nice. :)
<< He was likely nice to
her and she may be having one great big daydream about him...mix
that with a few phone calls and I'd say she's in 12yo heaven.>>
LOL, yes, I think she's in lala land! :)
<<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened.>>
I've been doing just that. My husband and I have been working on what to
say to her. Either by phone or letter, we haven't yet decided which.
<< Tell your daughter what you are doing FOR HER SAFETY and that how she
handles this next
camp will go a long way towards your trust of her in the future.
Since she wants to continue talking to him maybe she'll grow a
little here. Hopefully you'll be able to have her understand that
she handled the calling part in a dishonest way and if she truly
wants to be allowed to talk to boys, she'll be safer and not lie
about it. >>>
We talked a lot about this last night. I think once she understood that I
was worried, she felt much better about being open with me. I was able to
share some of my own experiences with her and mistakes I had made. We
talked about friendships and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and broken
hearts, hormones, sex, pregnancy, STD's....all things we have discussed
before but had much more relevance this time. It was a good conversation
for both of us. She asked a lot of questions and we worked through a lot of
scenarios and answers together, rather than me just giving her yes and no
answers.
<<Hey, you could go to camp with her and make a point to meet this boy
and talk to him. Embarrassing for her but if he wants to be around
her...well? It's very hard to address this because he does live far
away.>>
We met Scott when we took her to camp. I really liked him! He and my
husband talked car audio stuff and he very kindly greeted Haleigh when he
walked up. My first impression was *very* good, which helps a lot!
<<Fighting with teachers is common. My 17yo P.Sch. stepson has
gotten into it with one or two teachers. He's not a bad kid; he just
goofs off too much and they finally get enough of him...but he
doesn't physically fight. I wonder more about his situtation?>>
She said he did something or said something (wasn't sure which) and the
teacher slammed the door in his face. He then popped off with some comment
that didn't go over well. She said he told her it just sort of slipped on
accident. Sounded reasonable to me.
Thanks for your suggestions! I wrote a reply last night but my computer
shut down just as I was ready to send. Grrr.
Jennifer
_________________________________________________________________
The new MSN 8: smart spam protection and 2 months FREE*
http://join.msn.com/?page=features/junkmail
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals SEALS
<<<She can talk to boys all she wants, frankly, though she might have to
learn
to lie better to do it. I wouldn't make an ultimatum. She can go to other
houses or run away if she REALLY wants to talk to boys that badly. Or
parents
can give a kid a choice between home on strict terms or their own choices,
and
lots of parents who do that lose kids.>>>
You know, this really hit home with me because I *was* feeling like I should
monitor things. They were on the phone practically all day yesterday. The
nice thing about him living so far away is that the possibility of this
'going somewhere' is very slim. I'm hoping they'll just get to be really
good friends and now that we (Haleigh and I) are talking more, I'm worrying
a lot less!
<<But this one's very young, and to treat this boy like a suitor or unwed
father is over-reaction, I'm guessing. He might have no personal interest
and was
just being gallant, and might not appreciate being invited to do something
with her family just because he was nice to her in a rain storm. So I
withdraw
my earlier suggestion (or agreement to someone else's suggestion <bwg>).>>>
Right. My biggest concern is how young she is and how old he is. I realize
there is onyl a two year+ difference, but 12 and 14 are so different,
maturity wise. Scott has a 12 yr old brother, so I'm hoping he can see
that. As far as him having no personal interest or not being a suitor
though, I'm not really sure. He calls her a LOT! LOL
Thanks Sandra, I was looking forward to hearing your response. I often need
a more relaxed point of view to balance out my extremely overprotective
fears! <bg>
Jennifer
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learn
to lie better to do it. I wouldn't make an ultimatum. She can go to other
houses or run away if she REALLY wants to talk to boys that badly. Or
parents
can give a kid a choice between home on strict terms or their own choices,
and
lots of parents who do that lose kids.>>>
You know, this really hit home with me because I *was* feeling like I should
monitor things. They were on the phone practically all day yesterday. The
nice thing about him living so far away is that the possibility of this
'going somewhere' is very slim. I'm hoping they'll just get to be really
good friends and now that we (Haleigh and I) are talking more, I'm worrying
a lot less!
<<But this one's very young, and to treat this boy like a suitor or unwed
father is over-reaction, I'm guessing. He might have no personal interest
and was
just being gallant, and might not appreciate being invited to do something
with her family just because he was nice to her in a rain storm. So I
withdraw
my earlier suggestion (or agreement to someone else's suggestion <bwg>).>>>
Right. My biggest concern is how young she is and how old he is. I realize
there is onyl a two year+ difference, but 12 and 14 are so different,
maturity wise. Scott has a 12 yr old brother, so I'm hoping he can see
that. As far as him having no personal interest or not being a suitor
though, I'm not really sure. He calls her a LOT! LOL
Thanks Sandra, I was looking forward to hearing your response. I often need
a more relaxed point of view to balance out my extremely overprotective
fears! <bg>
Jennifer
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[email protected]
In a message dated 5/28/03 10:13:01 AM, jmcseals@... writes:
<< I realize
there is onyl a two year+ difference, but 12 and 14 are so different,
maturity wise. >>
It depends on the 14 year old (and the 12).
We were talking about this last night on the way back from the orientation
meeting for the Junior Police Academy Marty is going to attend for a week (next
week!). The age range is 12 to 14, for participation. Marty is 14. He was
the biggest one there. We discussed who else might have been a cadet and who
was just a sibling along for the meeting. It's almost impossible to guess kids
in that age because some have not hit their growth spurt. When I taught 9th
grade (14+/-), some started the year looking just like any 7th grader (12+/-)
and over that year they got big and hairy (talking about the boys now not the
girls<g>).
It's possible this 14 year old is young-for-age and not getting enough of the
kinds of attention he might like from older kids. And it's possible he's
reluctant to grow up (Many kids are) and he's appreciating the contact with
someone who's younger and happy to be so.
This is just devil's advocate speculation, of course, but scanning through
all the kids that age I've known, they have enough problems without being
branded with the worst sins of every boy who ever happened to be that age for a year.
Sandra
<< I realize
there is onyl a two year+ difference, but 12 and 14 are so different,
maturity wise. >>
It depends on the 14 year old (and the 12).
We were talking about this last night on the way back from the orientation
meeting for the Junior Police Academy Marty is going to attend for a week (next
week!). The age range is 12 to 14, for participation. Marty is 14. He was
the biggest one there. We discussed who else might have been a cadet and who
was just a sibling along for the meeting. It's almost impossible to guess kids
in that age because some have not hit their growth spurt. When I taught 9th
grade (14+/-), some started the year looking just like any 7th grader (12+/-)
and over that year they got big and hairy (talking about the boys now not the
girls<g>).
It's possible this 14 year old is young-for-age and not getting enough of the
kinds of attention he might like from older kids. And it's possible he's
reluctant to grow up (Many kids are) and he's appreciating the contact with
someone who's younger and happy to be so.
This is just devil's advocate speculation, of course, but scanning through
all the kids that age I've known, they have enough problems without being
branded with the worst sins of every boy who ever happened to be that age for a year.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/28/03 9:56:59 AM, jmcseals@... writes:
<< <<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened.>>
<<I've been doing just that. My husband and I have been working on what to
say to her. Either by phone or letter, we haven't yet decided which. >>
It would be a shame if your complaint caused the creation of more rules and
less opportunity for kids to make decisions, though.
Sandra
<< <<I'd write and then re-write a note to the owners explaining what
happened.>>
<<I've been doing just that. My husband and I have been working on what to
say to her. Either by phone or letter, we haven't yet decided which. >>
It would be a shame if your complaint caused the creation of more rules and
less opportunity for kids to make decisions, though.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/28/2003 12:12:55 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
jmcseals@... writes:
I've been following your posts in hopes to gain some wonderful wisdom from
you. My daughter just had her first "date" on Monday. She is 14 (nearly 15 she
would add) and her, her best girlfriend and their "boyfriends" went to see a
movie here in town. She's been plenty of times to the movies with boys/girls
but none that she considered an actual boyfriend in a romantic way.
You would think being the fourth child, second daughter I'd have this dating
thing figured out, but I still hold my breath. Not so much for fear of what
might happen sexually, because we talk about that often. More so now that she
has a girlfriend she's known since preschool who is having sex and it's
causing big problems in her life. More of the fear is just the average run of the
mill mother fear of broken hearts, car accidents, (watching her drive away with
a teenage driver nearly stopped my heart but I smiled and waved as they drove
out of sight) and not being able to completely protect her from whatever is
out there.
I think if that "whatever" was really out there, I'd have encountered it long
ago, but it's just that motherly instinct to protect our own that kicks into
high gear I guess.
The boy was nice enough, she's "known" him for a while through her friends
mother but this was the first time we've met him. First impression was good, he
stayed around awhile before they left and he talked, was very pleasant. I
think Cait breathed a sigh of relief when her 18 year old brother finally got up
from between them and headed back downstairs. I guess that was his "mark of
approval".
Here it's not so much the parents that a boy would be concerned about meeting
and getting to know, it's the brothers and sister, they are TOUGH. Maybe
because she's the youngest? Maybe because she's so trusting? I know they think
she's "babied" because she's not in school around all the "bad stuff" to know
what goes on.
All went well on her date and after the movie he dropped her off at the
baseball field where we were, they hugged and he left. Wasn't a good place to have
such a giddy conversation as mother and daughter discussing a first date.
I couldn't wait to get home but it was big moment on the ball field. So I
had to wait.
When we got home, we went to my room and talked about her first date. I
think I was as giddy as she was. How exciting is it? The best part is that DAD,
ever the stick in the mud and overly protective about Cait handled it all just
as I had hoped he would and she thanked me for that, but I really had nothing
to do with it. I guess he is finally catching on that life is not about
battles and confrontations and little girls DO grow up, no matter how much their
fathers wish they didn't.
Isn't it exciting and scary to be the mother or a young teenager? Such
wonderful adventures lay ahead for our daughters, and our sons too of course.
I would like some advice on helping hurting hearts of young ones in love.
With my oldest, all I could seem to muster was allowing them a day or two to
"wallow" in it, comfort them, make them feel loved and then it was time for a
party. At first Sarah thought I was insane but I insisted a party was in order
because now that this particularly bad for her person was out of her life, it
meant she could now have something MORE wonderful just around the corner and
that was cause for celebration!
I'm not so sure that's the best way to handle it but it seems to work.
Especially with my oldest, she can sometimes dwell on things that can't be changed
and blame herself and the party does often remind her that she IS loved by
MANY friends and family. It reinforces there is joy in the world and fun to be
had and who knows who is waiting to meet her.
Being a mother is great isn't it?
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals@... writes:
> Thanks Sandra, I was looking forward to hearing your response. I oftenJennifer,
> need
> a more relaxed point of view to balance out my extremely overprotective
> fears! <bg>
>
> Jennifer
>
I've been following your posts in hopes to gain some wonderful wisdom from
you. My daughter just had her first "date" on Monday. She is 14 (nearly 15 she
would add) and her, her best girlfriend and their "boyfriends" went to see a
movie here in town. She's been plenty of times to the movies with boys/girls
but none that she considered an actual boyfriend in a romantic way.
You would think being the fourth child, second daughter I'd have this dating
thing figured out, but I still hold my breath. Not so much for fear of what
might happen sexually, because we talk about that often. More so now that she
has a girlfriend she's known since preschool who is having sex and it's
causing big problems in her life. More of the fear is just the average run of the
mill mother fear of broken hearts, car accidents, (watching her drive away with
a teenage driver nearly stopped my heart but I smiled and waved as they drove
out of sight) and not being able to completely protect her from whatever is
out there.
I think if that "whatever" was really out there, I'd have encountered it long
ago, but it's just that motherly instinct to protect our own that kicks into
high gear I guess.
The boy was nice enough, she's "known" him for a while through her friends
mother but this was the first time we've met him. First impression was good, he
stayed around awhile before they left and he talked, was very pleasant. I
think Cait breathed a sigh of relief when her 18 year old brother finally got up
from between them and headed back downstairs. I guess that was his "mark of
approval".
Here it's not so much the parents that a boy would be concerned about meeting
and getting to know, it's the brothers and sister, they are TOUGH. Maybe
because she's the youngest? Maybe because she's so trusting? I know they think
she's "babied" because she's not in school around all the "bad stuff" to know
what goes on.
All went well on her date and after the movie he dropped her off at the
baseball field where we were, they hugged and he left. Wasn't a good place to have
such a giddy conversation as mother and daughter discussing a first date.
I couldn't wait to get home but it was big moment on the ball field. So I
had to wait.
When we got home, we went to my room and talked about her first date. I
think I was as giddy as she was. How exciting is it? The best part is that DAD,
ever the stick in the mud and overly protective about Cait handled it all just
as I had hoped he would and she thanked me for that, but I really had nothing
to do with it. I guess he is finally catching on that life is not about
battles and confrontations and little girls DO grow up, no matter how much their
fathers wish they didn't.
Isn't it exciting and scary to be the mother or a young teenager? Such
wonderful adventures lay ahead for our daughters, and our sons too of course.
I would like some advice on helping hurting hearts of young ones in love.
With my oldest, all I could seem to muster was allowing them a day or two to
"wallow" in it, comfort them, make them feel loved and then it was time for a
party. At first Sarah thought I was insane but I insisted a party was in order
because now that this particularly bad for her person was out of her life, it
meant she could now have something MORE wonderful just around the corner and
that was cause for celebration!
I'm not so sure that's the best way to handle it but it seems to work.
Especially with my oldest, she can sometimes dwell on things that can't be changed
and blame herself and the party does often remind her that she IS loved by
MANY friends and family. It reinforces there is joy in the world and fun to be
had and who knows who is waiting to meet her.
Being a mother is great isn't it?
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals SEALS
<<It would be a shame if your complaint caused the creation of more rules
and
less opportunity for kids to make decisions, though.>>
I've been thinking a lot about this. My only concern is that the two of
them were alone. Had there been other kids with them, no big deal, but I
don't feel like it was appropriate for the two of them to be sleeping in a
shed together while everyone else was outside. Somehow I need to be able to
explain it to April, the owner, without making her feel like I'm blaming it
all on her, which I'm not. I don't think there needs to be a *rule* so to
speak, but I would like for her, as the 'in charge' adult, to say," hey, why
don't you guys join us out here." Or just tell them that coeds sleeping
alone together isn't appropriate for camp. I guess that's a rule but.....
Jennifer
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and
less opportunity for kids to make decisions, though.>>
I've been thinking a lot about this. My only concern is that the two of
them were alone. Had there been other kids with them, no big deal, but I
don't feel like it was appropriate for the two of them to be sleeping in a
shed together while everyone else was outside. Somehow I need to be able to
explain it to April, the owner, without making her feel like I'm blaming it
all on her, which I'm not. I don't think there needs to be a *rule* so to
speak, but I would like for her, as the 'in charge' adult, to say," hey, why
don't you guys join us out here." Or just tell them that coeds sleeping
alone together isn't appropriate for camp. I guess that's a rule but.....
Jennifer
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jmcseals SEALS
<<I'm not so sure that's the best way to handle it but it seems to work.>>
I LOVE the idea of a party! What a great way for her to reconnect with
friends and move on! I remember all too well being a heart broken teenager.
It was so easy to center my life around my boyfriend and let my friends
fall to the wayside.
Ugh, I'm not looking forward to that first *real* date where my daughter
drives off in a car with a boy. I'll have to carry an ice chest I'm sure,
so when my heart falls out of *my* chest, I'll have somehere to keep it safe
for reimplantation! LOL
Jennifer
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I LOVE the idea of a party! What a great way for her to reconnect with
friends and move on! I remember all too well being a heart broken teenager.
It was so easy to center my life around my boyfriend and let my friends
fall to the wayside.
Ugh, I'm not looking forward to that first *real* date where my daughter
drives off in a car with a boy. I'll have to carry an ice chest I'm sure,
so when my heart falls out of *my* chest, I'll have somehere to keep it safe
for reimplantation! LOL
Jennifer
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[email protected]
In a message dated 5/28/2003 1:27:10 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
KathrynJB@... writes:
doesn't drive, he just turned sixteen and hasn't yet gotten his license. His
friends drive but for every day hanging out, what are we going to do next
scenarios it's GREAT.
They can plan time to be together and do things then go apart and talk on the
phone or online without the added pressures of being together in person every
waking moment as some of the kids feel is necessary.
When the boyfriend/girlfriend lives just down the street, often times you see
way to much of them and they have to find ways to occupy their time together.
For some, it's probably a good thing, but I find some comfort in my mother's
heart that he doesn't live in our neighborhood, our town or even our County.
Kinda gives them more to look forward to don't you think?
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
KathrynJB@... writes:
> There are MAJOR advantages to have a "romance" with someone who lives farI totally agree with that. Cait's boyfriend lives a distance from us, she
> away when you're very young. You get the warm squishy feelings without all
> the
> pressure. You can talk on the phone and giggle and think about how cute the
> other person is, but you don't actually have to deal with them on a
> day-to-day
> basis.
>
doesn't drive, he just turned sixteen and hasn't yet gotten his license. His
friends drive but for every day hanging out, what are we going to do next
scenarios it's GREAT.
They can plan time to be together and do things then go apart and talk on the
phone or online without the added pressures of being together in person every
waking moment as some of the kids feel is necessary.
When the boyfriend/girlfriend lives just down the street, often times you see
way to much of them and they have to find ways to occupy their time together.
For some, it's probably a good thing, but I find some comfort in my mother's
heart that he doesn't live in our neighborhood, our town or even our County.
Kinda gives them more to look forward to don't you think?
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
jmcseals SEALS
<<<There are MAJOR advantages to have a "romance" with someone who lives far
away when you're very young. You get the warm squishy feelings without all
the
pressure. You can talk on the phone and giggle and think about how cute the
other person is, but you don't actually have to deal with them on a
day-to-day
basis.
Kathryn>>>
YES! YES! YES!! This is *exactly* what I'm thinking! They can talk all the
time but will only see each other once a month. I don't want that to sound
mean, but for her first *experience* with liking a boy, this is a really
nice way to go about it. <BG>
And you know, Haleigh is extremely mature, so it helps t have that
perspective. I agree with you completely.
Thanks Kathryn!
Jennifer
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away when you're very young. You get the warm squishy feelings without all
the
pressure. You can talk on the phone and giggle and think about how cute the
other person is, but you don't actually have to deal with them on a
day-to-day
basis.
Kathryn>>>
YES! YES! YES!! This is *exactly* what I'm thinking! They can talk all the
time but will only see each other once a month. I don't want that to sound
mean, but for her first *experience* with liking a boy, this is a really
nice way to go about it. <BG>
And you know, Haleigh is extremely mature, so it helps t have that
perspective. I agree with you completely.
Thanks Kathryn!
Jennifer
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