fear of parent's death
Julie Solich
Today we piled into the car to go to the library and I noticed as I looked in the side mirror that I had two grey hairs (my first!). I showed my husband and made a comment about getting old. Jess (9) said "don't grow old Mum" and Mia (4) said "you need a walking stick Mummy".
Tonight I went into the bathroom to help my other son Jacob (6) out of the shower and found him sobbing. I thought he was hurt at first but he said he wasn't. I got him out and wrapped him up and just cuddled him till he calmed down.
He didn't want to talk about it but I reminded him how much better he always felt when were able to talk. I asked him if he were worried about something and he said yes, it's something I know is going to happen.
I realized straight away what it was-he was looking at me like I might disappear any second and I asked if he was worried about me getting old and he burst into tears. We had another long hug and I told him that 32 wasn't all that old really and that I was pretty healthy and barring accidents I should live for a long time to come. We talked about the stuff in life that is out of our control and we can't spend our whole life worrying about it. I said I wouldn't talk about me getting old if it was going to upset him.
It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to reassure him more.
Julie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tonight I went into the bathroom to help my other son Jacob (6) out of the shower and found him sobbing. I thought he was hurt at first but he said he wasn't. I got him out and wrapped him up and just cuddled him till he calmed down.
He didn't want to talk about it but I reminded him how much better he always felt when were able to talk. I asked him if he were worried about something and he said yes, it's something I know is going to happen.
I realized straight away what it was-he was looking at me like I might disappear any second and I asked if he was worried about me getting old and he burst into tears. We had another long hug and I told him that 32 wasn't all that old really and that I was pretty healthy and barring accidents I should live for a long time to come. We talked about the stuff in life that is out of our control and we can't spend our whole life worrying about it. I said I wouldn't talk about me getting old if it was going to upset him.
It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to reassure him more.
Julie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/27/03 8:08:24 AM, mjsolich@... writes:
<< It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his
little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to
reassure him more. >>
Do you have friends who were in their 30s when they had babies (and who are
still alive with older kids)? If he knew our family you could show him they
still have their mom.
Maybe he's too little to care about comparisons, though, so never mind that.
I fear car accidents more than anybody's age or physical state, personally.
I wouldn't remind him of that, either, though. <g>
Not much help. Distraction, maybe? Life span charts of various animals and
people?
Talking about when he's older, chit chatting about being a grandmother
someday if he finds someone he wants to have babies with? Maybe some distracting
kind of conversation that seems like changing the subject but is actually going
past his worry, coming back and and tying pretty ideas around it.
Sandra
<< It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his
little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to
reassure him more. >>
Do you have friends who were in their 30s when they had babies (and who are
still alive with older kids)? If he knew our family you could show him they
still have their mom.
Maybe he's too little to care about comparisons, though, so never mind that.
I fear car accidents more than anybody's age or physical state, personally.
I wouldn't remind him of that, either, though. <g>
Not much help. Distraction, maybe? Life span charts of various animals and
people?
Talking about when he's older, chit chatting about being a grandmother
someday if he finds someone he wants to have babies with? Maybe some distracting
kind of conversation that seems like changing the subject but is actually going
past his worry, coming back and and tying pretty ideas around it.
Sandra
Kris
Both of my kids went through this and I remember having the same fear about
my own parents. I tend to think it's all part of becoming aware of
mortality.
I do my best to reassure them and remind them that there will always be
someone to take care of them. I listen and let them talk, let them show me
how far they want to take the conversation. Lanora has gone into much
greater depth than Jonathan which make sense, she's 12 and he's 5.
Kris
my own parents. I tend to think it's all part of becoming aware of
mortality.
I do my best to reassure them and remind them that there will always be
someone to take care of them. I listen and let them talk, let them show me
how far they want to take the conversation. Lanora has gone into much
greater depth than Jonathan which make sense, she's 12 and he's 5.
Kris
----- Original Message -----
From: "Julie Solich" <mjsolich@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Tuesday, May 27, 2003 7:10 AM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] fear of parent's death
> It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his
little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to
reassure him more.
>
> Julie
Christina Morrissey
Both my kids have had an obsessive fear of death and of their parents'
death in particular since they were four. My youngest is now 10 1/2. The
oldest is almost 15. Both kids have mood disorders as do I. They grew up
in a household that was initially full of anxiety and anger so this may not
have any match with yours. Insecurity has a lot to do with my daughter's
obsession with the subject of my dying. Medication for her and I both made
it better, but whenever she would ask if I was going to die soon, I would
ask her what she was afraid was going to happen if I did. The we would go
through the scenario about that Daddy would still be here and her
grandparents and so on. Or I would say, "Look at your grandmother, she's
96 and so I'll still be here when you have kids!" Or just keep talking
until I would find out what event happened that day that caused her to
think about me and death, not always related. Distraction wasn't always
what she wanted, but she did want to talk about it somehow and be reassured
that she was loved and would be taken cared of and not abandoned (until she
was ready).
But the topic will not go away, nor will the emotions. So you listen, you
cuddle, you reassure, and you empathize that yes, you will miss each other
when that day ever comes, but that to worry about something sooooo far
ahead from today will just make you more sad than you want to be, and you
want to be happy hugging each other for now, and how we go and do.......OK?
Regards,
Christina in Seattle
death in particular since they were four. My youngest is now 10 1/2. The
oldest is almost 15. Both kids have mood disorders as do I. They grew up
in a household that was initially full of anxiety and anger so this may not
have any match with yours. Insecurity has a lot to do with my daughter's
obsession with the subject of my dying. Medication for her and I both made
it better, but whenever she would ask if I was going to die soon, I would
ask her what she was afraid was going to happen if I did. The we would go
through the scenario about that Daddy would still be here and her
grandparents and so on. Or I would say, "Look at your grandmother, she's
96 and so I'll still be here when you have kids!" Or just keep talking
until I would find out what event happened that day that caused her to
think about me and death, not always related. Distraction wasn't always
what she wanted, but she did want to talk about it somehow and be reassured
that she was loved and would be taken cared of and not abandoned (until she
was ready).
But the topic will not go away, nor will the emotions. So you listen, you
cuddle, you reassure, and you empathize that yes, you will miss each other
when that day ever comes, but that to worry about something sooooo far
ahead from today will just make you more sad than you want to be, and you
want to be happy hugging each other for now, and how we go and do.......OK?
Regards,
Christina in Seattle
><<<like I might disappear any second >>>>if he was worried about me[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>getting old and he burst into tears. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<that it is weighing on
>his little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how
>to reassure him more.>>>>>>>>>>>>
>
>Julie
Julie Solich
<< It made me feel really loved but I feel bad that it is weighing on his
little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to
reassure him more. >>
Do you have friends who were in their 30s when they had babies (and who are
still alive with older kids)? If he knew our family you could show him they
still have their mom.
That's a good idea. My mum had my brother when she was 44 so she is now 59 and still has 2 teenagers at home.
Thanks Sandra.
Julie
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
little heart. Has anyone else had this happen? Any suggestions on how to
reassure him more. >>
Do you have friends who were in their 30s when they had babies (and who are
still alive with older kids)? If he knew our family you could show him they
still have their mom.
That's a good idea. My mum had my brother when she was 44 so she is now 59 and still has 2 teenagers at home.
Thanks Sandra.
Julie
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Solich
Both of my kids went through this and I remember having the same fear about
my own parents. I tend to think it's all part of becoming aware of
mortality.
I do my best to reassure them and remind them that there will always be
someone to take care of them. I listen and let them talk, let them show me
how far they want to take the conversation. Lanora has gone into much
greater depth than Jonathan which make sense, she's 12 and he's 5.
Kris
Letting them talk as much as they need to seems to be the answer to dealing with most of the troubles that come our kids way. I know that telling me how he felt did alleviate that real anxiety.
Julie
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
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Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
my own parents. I tend to think it's all part of becoming aware of
mortality.
I do my best to reassure them and remind them that there will always be
someone to take care of them. I listen and let them talk, let them show me
how far they want to take the conversation. Lanora has gone into much
greater depth than Jonathan which make sense, she's 12 and he's 5.
Kris
Letting them talk as much as they need to seems to be the answer to dealing with most of the troubles that come our kids way. I know that telling me how he felt did alleviate that real anxiety.
Julie
Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
~~~~ Don't forget! If you change topics, change the subject line! ~~~~
If you have questions, concerns or problems with this list, please email the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@...), or the list owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@...).
To unsubscribe from this group, click on the following link or address an email to:
[email protected]
Visit the Unschooling website: http://www.unschooling.com
Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to the Yahoo! Terms of Service.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]