Cindy

Hello all..

I am very new to unschooling and I have a few questions. I realize so
far (correct me if I am wrong) that we/I should not argue over such
things as TV and video game time and also that bedtime should be left
to the child.

Here is my dilemma.. My ds is 13 1/2 and although I haven't been
setting a "bedtime" I do ask that he is quiet while others are
sleeping, being that Michael has to get up and go to work and there
are 2 other teens who have to get up in the mornings for school. (DS
is the only one at home at this time). This isn't working out very
well for others in the house. It is as late, or early however you
look at it, as 5am, and he has still been up. Not good for everyone
else here.

Also, he has had a friend over for the past couple of nights, and I
noticed this morning when I got up that I had 1/2 a bottle of wine
missing. I am not happy about this!

Please anyone who could help me handle these things as a "cool"
unschooling Mom, I am patiently awaiting your responses...

Thank you in advance for all the wonderful words of wisdom that I
know will come from this board!

Have a Great Day All!!
Hopefully I will have some advice before he wakes up so that I don't
mess things up worse!

Cindy / NC

Heidi

Hi Cindy


Hello all..
>
> I am very new to unschooling and I have a few questions. I realize
so
> far (correct me if I am wrong) that we/I should not argue over such
> things as TV and video game time and also that bedtime should be
left
> to the child.


That's right. Okay, we don't have an "off" button on the computer
games or TV anymore, but we do still have a general lights out,
around 10:00- 10:30, which is when they're all getting tired anyway.
WE don't have a wake-up time, but I might be changing that, since
straggling up means the kitchen is never clean: someone is always
making food in there...but I don't know if that's a hill worth
fighting on.

Now, with this "lights out" we also have (occasional) "Stay Up Alone"
nights, where everyone else goes to bed and, as long as he or she is
quiet, the kid stays up until tired. We've had as late/early as 4
a.m. and as "early" as 1:00 a.m. And the kids love it. It isn't every
night though, not in our house.

> Here is my dilemma.. My ds is 13 1/2 and although I haven't been
> setting a "bedtime" I do ask that he is quiet while others are
> sleeping, being that Michael has to get up and go to work and there
> are 2 other teens who have to get up in the mornings for school.
(DS
> is the only one at home at this time). This isn't working out very
> well for others in the house. It is as late, or early however you
> look at it, as 5am, and he has still been up. Not good for everyone
> else here.
>
> Also, he has had a friend over for the past couple of nights, and I
> noticed this morning when I got up that I had 1/2 a bottle of wine
> missing. I am not happy about this!

Talk to your boy about it. I'm not a veteran unschooler, though.
Others probably have some good advice about the missing wine. I'd
talk to him. Ask him about it. Tell him, you're working on developing
trust between the two of you, and that is why you've allowed him to
choose his own pastimes and bedtime. And that trust is fragile, so he
must respect it....I dunno. something like that?


blessings, HeidiC

>
> Please anyone who could help me handle these things as a "cool"
> unschooling Mom, I am patiently awaiting your responses...
>
> Thank you in advance for all the wonderful words of wisdom that I
> know will come from this board!
>
> Have a Great Day All!!
> Hopefully I will have some advice before he wakes up so that I
don't
> mess things up worse!
>
> Cindy / NC

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/27/03 5:47:52 AM, Cindy0766@... writes:

<< This isn't working out very

well for others in the house. It is as late, or early however you

look at it, as 5am, and he has still been up. Not good for everyone

else here. >>

Is he waking them up? If he can stay up that late and nobody knows without
getting up at 5:00 and seeing him, why is it a problem? If he's making noise,
I would say "no more," or "stay in your room and read" or something, but if
he's really quiet...

<<Also, he has had a friend over for the past couple of nights, and I

noticed this morning when I got up that I had 1/2 a bottle of wine

missing. I am not happy about this! >>

I would say without eye contact, when they were both in the room, "Leave the
wine alone. I don't want to get in trouble and I don't want you doing things
you shouldn't be doing." Or if the extra kid was likely to scoff at that, I
would tell my kid that I knew it had happened, and that if the other kid was
going to be a bad influence he needed to go home. I'd remind my kid he had a
responsibility to be a good host and not betray his parents' trust BOTH, and
here were ways to do that.

<<Hopefully I will have some advice before he wakes up so that I don't

mess things up worse!>>

There's always the "What would you do if you were me?" question, but really
give him time to think about it and answer it carefully. Often kids' proposals
are much harsher than their parents really wanted to do, so when you DO
respond it seems light to him. (That's a teacher trick. Ask kids what the
punishment should be for something they they go straight to F's and expulsions, and
if the teacher says "I thought I'd just make him sit closer to the front," or
"He can just take the test again after school," the kids seem surprised that
there are peaceful, non-punitive solutions for situations.

And another tool/trick is to say that you're not comfortable with that kid
making your kid be sneaky, but when he's grown and has his OWN place, he could
invite that kid over to spend the night and they could drink all night. But
that doing it in your house was a slight toward you and his dad.


I wouldn't do ALL that stuff, just one or two. Saying too much never helps.
Next time the kid's over you could just watch to see if it's better. I bet
it will be! If he wants to visit your house, he'll want to do what it takes to
be welcome back.

We haven't had the drinking problem, but we've had some instances of a
visitor wanting my kids to do something sneaky.

Sandra

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/27/03 8:33:56 AM, bunsofaluminum60@... writes:

<< WE don't have a wake-up time, but I might be changing that, since

straggling up means the kitchen is never clean: someone is always

making food in there...but I don't know if that's a hill worth

fighting on. >>

The best way to keep a clean kitchen is probably never to have children!

Having had them, it seems that kitchens are primarily for storing and
preparing food, and not for keeping clean. Should the kitchen serve the people, or
should the people serve the kitchen?

One of those priorities considerations.

Sandra

Heidi

--- In [email protected], SandraDodd@a... wrote:
>
> In a message dated 5/27/03 8:33:56 AM, bunsofaluminum60@h... writes:
>
> << WE don't have a wake-up time, but I might be changing that,
since
>
> straggling up means the kitchen is never clean: someone is always
>
> making food in there...but I don't know if that's a hill worth
>
> fighting on. >>
>
> The best way to keep a clean kitchen is probably never to have
children!
>
> Having had them, it seems that kitchens are primarily for storing
and
> preparing food, and not for keeping clean. Should the kitchen
serve the people, or
> should the people serve the kitchen?
>
> One of those priorities considerations.
>
> Sandra

yeah, that's what keeps going through my head. I like it clean, and I
am the one who cleans it. I just gotta decide if it's worth my kids
not having open access
HeidiC

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/27/2003 10:34:16 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
bunsofaluminum60@... writes:

> Others probably have some good advice about the missing wine. I'd
> talk to him. Ask him about it.

I've had this happen and handled it different ways at different times. The
most effective way was just making a general announcement with all kids present
that I KNEW wine/beer/liquor was missing and that I didn't expect it would
happen again.

It didn't until kids were much older teens and different kids were around.

glena


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[email protected]

In a message dated 5/28/03 6:15:36 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
rubyprincesstsg@... writes:

> Others probably have some good advice about the missing wine. I'd
> >talk to him. Ask him about it

I occasionally buy wine coolers for myself, maybe a 4 pk in a month. Dh
drinks about a 6 pack of beer in 2 weeks. . Sometimes one of the wine coolers is
gone or one is opened and half empty. My response is, "HEY, who drank my
wine cooler?? *pout. I always get someone giggling or snickering and
sheepishly admitting "it was me". My reply, "Darn!, I was really looking forward
to that wine cooler.!" They never get into their Dad's beer. They have all
tasted it and YUCK!, they are not interested in drinking any. But those wine
coolers look too inviting, too much like fruit juice or kool-aid. Landon is
the only one who likes any of the flavors well enough to drink a whole one.
The other kids are the culprits in opening them just to get a taste.

It's pretty much the same way with any particular grocery item that
someone picks out themselves. Anna's favorite ice cream. Landon's favorite cookie.
A special treat that JP picks out. Ethans beloved french fries. They do
not belong to that one person in particular, they are for the whole family to
share. But when they are all gone.. DARN IT!. somebody ate my so and so!.


Teresa


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