Fathers/Husbands was Respect and baths Long
[email protected]
I was going to post this last night but I was too upset my DH and couldn't
think.
We have made some big changes in our home and I thought we had an
understanding. But after last night maybe not.
The issue I have is not between he and I on the surface but more the 11 yr.
old.
He is hard on him I feel.
Each night after dinner my DH reminds the 11yr old about clearing the table
and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Almost every night there is an
issue. Before DH complained it was not done right. I asked him to stop and he did
for the most part.
Last night I was going to go out to B & N to get my book. Dustin and I (the
11 yr. old) enjoy doing this together. Dustin wanted no part of doing the
dishes and I actually have been doing it for him when he has had enough. It's
almost maddening for him, he sings, dances, wines, gets angry. I think some of it
he inherited from me cuz I too mumble and sing made up songs when I do the
dishes also.
Anyway, (the shorter version) My DH walked into the kitchen when Dustin
announced he was done for the 3rd time and the floor was soaked. So DH is
beginning to freak out about the floor being wet so I thought I would tone the
situation down. I squirted milk from the babies bottle at him and he began to tickle
me. Well, the 11 yr. old wanting to join in flipped the mop he was using in
the air not knowing it was going to cover DH with dirty water. (Kinda funny but
he didn't think so. )
DH demanded he go straight to his room and ADDED oh and your NOT going to B &
N.
I was on the phone during all of this.
I got off the phone and said you know not only did you over react but you
took away the one thing he and I where looking forward too all day!!!!!!!!
Now to me having Dustin doing the dishes is just as much pulling teeth as
schoolwork is. I am thinking I am going to go back to just doing it my self.
I think a big part of this is my DH having control over something.
I tell him all the time you are parenting and counting the 123 like it will
be followed by a spanking. You are trying to follow your fathers parenting and
you cant he spanked. One situation is going to take you there and I will NOT
have that in my home.
He knows and tones it done when I remind him.
So after I pointed out what I felt was poor statements I asked him "you dont
think you where wrong do you"? Nope, he said.
We ended up not going. Dustin waited for me to put the baby to bed and then
said he wanted to watch the movie Speed and asked if we could go another night.
Please tell me how you all would have handled this, what and I doing wrong?
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
think.
We have made some big changes in our home and I thought we had an
understanding. But after last night maybe not.
The issue I have is not between he and I on the surface but more the 11 yr.
old.
He is hard on him I feel.
Each night after dinner my DH reminds the 11yr old about clearing the table
and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. Almost every night there is an
issue. Before DH complained it was not done right. I asked him to stop and he did
for the most part.
Last night I was going to go out to B & N to get my book. Dustin and I (the
11 yr. old) enjoy doing this together. Dustin wanted no part of doing the
dishes and I actually have been doing it for him when he has had enough. It's
almost maddening for him, he sings, dances, wines, gets angry. I think some of it
he inherited from me cuz I too mumble and sing made up songs when I do the
dishes also.
Anyway, (the shorter version) My DH walked into the kitchen when Dustin
announced he was done for the 3rd time and the floor was soaked. So DH is
beginning to freak out about the floor being wet so I thought I would tone the
situation down. I squirted milk from the babies bottle at him and he began to tickle
me. Well, the 11 yr. old wanting to join in flipped the mop he was using in
the air not knowing it was going to cover DH with dirty water. (Kinda funny but
he didn't think so. )
DH demanded he go straight to his room and ADDED oh and your NOT going to B &
N.
I was on the phone during all of this.
I got off the phone and said you know not only did you over react but you
took away the one thing he and I where looking forward too all day!!!!!!!!
Now to me having Dustin doing the dishes is just as much pulling teeth as
schoolwork is. I am thinking I am going to go back to just doing it my self.
I think a big part of this is my DH having control over something.
I tell him all the time you are parenting and counting the 123 like it will
be followed by a spanking. You are trying to follow your fathers parenting and
you cant he spanked. One situation is going to take you there and I will NOT
have that in my home.
He knows and tones it done when I remind him.
So after I pointed out what I felt was poor statements I asked him "you dont
think you where wrong do you"? Nope, he said.
We ended up not going. Dustin waited for me to put the baby to bed and then
said he wanted to watch the movie Speed and asked if we could go another night.
Please tell me how you all would have handled this, what and I doing wrong?
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/2003 12:43:17 PM Eastern Standard Time, HMSL2@...
writes:
11 yr. old. The "on the surface" comment means that I know it is a
communication issue between DH and I and the 11 yr. old is somewhat stuck in the middle.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> >>>>>>>The issue I have is not between he and I on the surface but more theI need to be clear. The issue is NOT the 11yr old but the story was about the
> 11 yr.
> old.>>>>>
11 yr. old. The "on the surface" comment means that I know it is a
communication issue between DH and I and the 11 yr. old is somewhat stuck in the middle.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
nellebelle
One thing that is helping in my house is to remind dh (kindly, respectfully,
the way I would want someone to tell me) to treat the kids the way he would
treat an adult.
Sometimes he forgets.
Last night, he said to one of the kids who was on the phone, "I need to use
the phone now.", and he didn't say it in the nicest tone either. I asked
him how he would feel if she said that to him. It is obviously rude for a
kid to say that to an adult. It is obviously rude for an adult to say that
to a kid!
He understood, and rephrased it to her, and said to me that he should ask
nicely.
Mary Ellen
the way I would want someone to tell me) to treat the kids the way he would
treat an adult.
Sometimes he forgets.
Last night, he said to one of the kids who was on the phone, "I need to use
the phone now.", and he didn't say it in the nicest tone either. I asked
him how he would feel if she said that to him. It is obviously rude for a
kid to say that to an adult. It is obviously rude for an adult to say that
to a kid!
He understood, and rephrased it to her, and said to me that he should ask
nicely.
Mary Ellen
Mary
From: "nellebelle" <nellebelle@...>
<<One thing that is helping in my house is to remind dh (kindly,
respectfully,
the way I would want someone to tell me) to treat the kids the way he would
treat an adult.>>
I am very fortunate to have my husband. He's supportive of everything I do,
never complains at all about me or the kids. He thinks I'm incredible and
loves all the kids dearly. He boasts about us to anyone who will listen. He
totally got unschooling from day one. We really are on the exact same page
to many important issues, except one. You did know that was coming right?
It's the way the children are treated. Like you said, treat them the way you
would want someone to do to you. He's still old school and sometimes he
comes out witht he idea that "there kids and should listen to me" no matter
what he says. He's not real bad and he is getting better. But it's something
we work on every day. Usually when he handles something in not the best way,
I'll just look at him. He KNOWS I'm looking at him. Probably boring holes in
his head! He'll turn to me and say, "that wasn't the best way to handle that
was it?" knowing what my answer is already. Most times he'll apologize to
the kids and try again, which is always better. I'm trying to get him to
read some stuff and he does. I think a lot of it is just the way he was
raised. And he knows that wasn't the best, yet it's hard for him to get away
from. At least he's always open to suggestions. And sometimes when I see him
getting frustrated, I'll just tell him to go sit down and let me handle
things.
Mary B
<<One thing that is helping in my house is to remind dh (kindly,
respectfully,
the way I would want someone to tell me) to treat the kids the way he would
treat an adult.>>
I am very fortunate to have my husband. He's supportive of everything I do,
never complains at all about me or the kids. He thinks I'm incredible and
loves all the kids dearly. He boasts about us to anyone who will listen. He
totally got unschooling from day one. We really are on the exact same page
to many important issues, except one. You did know that was coming right?
It's the way the children are treated. Like you said, treat them the way you
would want someone to do to you. He's still old school and sometimes he
comes out witht he idea that "there kids and should listen to me" no matter
what he says. He's not real bad and he is getting better. But it's something
we work on every day. Usually when he handles something in not the best way,
I'll just look at him. He KNOWS I'm looking at him. Probably boring holes in
his head! He'll turn to me and say, "that wasn't the best way to handle that
was it?" knowing what my answer is already. Most times he'll apologize to
the kids and try again, which is always better. I'm trying to get him to
read some stuff and he does. I think a lot of it is just the way he was
raised. And he knows that wasn't the best, yet it's hard for him to get away
from. At least he's always open to suggestions. And sometimes when I see him
getting frustrated, I'll just tell him to go sit down and let me handle
things.
Mary B
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 10:43:25 AM, HMSL2@... writes:
<< Please tell me how you all would have handled this, what and I doing
wrong? >>
I would not make him do the dishes anymore.
Kids can't help around the house voluntarily if you make some jobs "theirs"
(against their will or of their choosing and then enforced with punishments)
and others NOT theirs.
It works like natural learning works, it seems.
Does anyone here remember who, at www.unschooling.com, first said that she
felt that if she was the one who wanted the house to be a certain way she
figured she just ought to do it? I want to credit the person who really got me (and
obviously some others) thinking hard about what kind of damage it does to a
relationship to set kids up to fail and wish they weren't where they are.
Getting dirty water on your husband wasn't as bad as what he did. If he were
to look at your child as he would an adult guest or someone his age (a
brother or sister), he would NEVER have done what he did and expect that person to
ever visit his home again.
Kids make mistakes, and if each mistake is treated as though it were a
malicious act, soon they won't care whether they make mistakes or not, and if
malicious acts are treated no worse than mistakes... malice and frustration
sometimes are related.
Another idea is someone always doing the dishes WITH him, or doing them with
him helping, so he sees various ways to do things, what to do if water spills
(because even adults spill water), and you have that time to just chat.
Maybe show your husband this article:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
<A HREF="http://sandradodd.com/truck">Leaning on a Truck</A>
Sandra
<< Please tell me how you all would have handled this, what and I doing
wrong? >>
I would not make him do the dishes anymore.
Kids can't help around the house voluntarily if you make some jobs "theirs"
(against their will or of their choosing and then enforced with punishments)
and others NOT theirs.
It works like natural learning works, it seems.
Does anyone here remember who, at www.unschooling.com, first said that she
felt that if she was the one who wanted the house to be a certain way she
figured she just ought to do it? I want to credit the person who really got me (and
obviously some others) thinking hard about what kind of damage it does to a
relationship to set kids up to fail and wish they weren't where they are.
Getting dirty water on your husband wasn't as bad as what he did. If he were
to look at your child as he would an adult guest or someone his age (a
brother or sister), he would NEVER have done what he did and expect that person to
ever visit his home again.
Kids make mistakes, and if each mistake is treated as though it were a
malicious act, soon they won't care whether they make mistakes or not, and if
malicious acts are treated no worse than mistakes... malice and frustration
sometimes are related.
Another idea is someone always doing the dishes WITH him, or doing them with
him helping, so he sees various ways to do things, what to do if water spills
(because even adults spill water), and you have that time to just chat.
Maybe show your husband this article:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
<A HREF="http://sandradodd.com/truck">Leaning on a Truck</A>
Sandra
coyote's corner
Hi,
This is amazing!!
I have a ton of buttons - hidden away - they're coming out now.
Thanks,
Janis
This is amazing!!
I have a ton of buttons - hidden away - they're coming out now.
Thanks,
Janis
----- Original Message -----
From: SandraDodd@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, May 24, 2003 11:46 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] Fathers/Husbands was Respect and baths Long
In a message dated 5/22/03 10:43:25 AM, HMSL2@... writes:
<< Please tell me how you all would have handled this, what and I doing
wrong? >>
I would not make him do the dishes anymore.
Kids can't help around the house voluntarily if you make some jobs "theirs"
(against their will or of their choosing and then enforced with punishments)
and others NOT theirs.
It works like natural learning works, it seems.
Does anyone here remember who, at www.unschooling.com, first said that she
felt that if she was the one who wanted the house to be a certain way she
figured she just ought to do it? I want to credit the person who really got me (and
obviously some others) thinking hard about what kind of damage it does to a
relationship to set kids up to fail and wish they weren't where they are.
Getting dirty water on your husband wasn't as bad as what he did. If he were
to look at your child as he would an adult guest or someone his age (a
brother or sister), he would NEVER have done what he did and expect that person to
ever visit his home again.
Kids make mistakes, and if each mistake is treated as though it were a
malicious act, soon they won't care whether they make mistakes or not, and if
malicious acts are treated no worse than mistakes... malice and frustration
sometimes are related.
Another idea is someone always doing the dishes WITH him, or doing them with
him helping, so he sees various ways to do things, what to do if water spills
(because even adults spill water), and you have that time to just chat.
Maybe show your husband this article:
http://sandradodd.com/truck
<A HREF="http://sandradodd.com/truck">Leaning on a Truck</A>
Sandra
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
I would not make him do the dishes anymore.
Kids can't help around the house voluntarily if you make some jobs "theirs"
(against their will or of their choosing and then enforced with punishments)
and others NOT theirs.>>>>>>
I totally agree. My husband is getting some of this but it is defiantly a
slow progress. He does at times follow my lead but looses it. I think the water
thing was a flashback from his being bullied days that he cant let go. I keep
teetering back and forth on trying to respect his wishes but I know in my
heart he is being unfair.
again. Dustin will usually stay in the kitchen with me and help anyway so I
guess before the change over that's what we where doing. It was a good time for me
to give the baby a bath or get him ready for bed. In the end looking back at
it all having him do the dishes was a break for me and not him.
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kids can't help around the house voluntarily if you make some jobs "theirs"
(against their will or of their choosing and then enforced with punishments)
and others NOT theirs.>>>>>>
I totally agree. My husband is getting some of this but it is defiantly a
slow progress. He does at times follow my lead but looses it. I think the water
thing was a flashback from his being bullied days that he cant let go. I keep
teetering back and forth on trying to respect his wishes but I know in my
heart he is being unfair.
>For now until we sort through all of this I am taking the dishes back over
> >>>>>It works like natural learning works, it seems.
> Another idea is someone always doing the dishes WITH him, or doing them with
>
> him helping, so he sees various ways to do things, what to do if water
> spills
> (because even adults spill water), and you have that time to just chat.>>>>>>
>
>
again. Dustin will usually stay in the kitchen with me and help anyway so I
guess before the change over that's what we where doing. It was a good time for me
to give the baby a bath or get him ready for bed. In the end looking back at
it all having him do the dishes was a break for me and not him.
>Thank you,
> >>>>>Maybe show your husband this article:
>
> http://sandradodd.com/truck
> <A HREF="http://sandradodd.com/truck">Leaning on a Truck</A>
> Sandra>>
Laura D
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]