Respect and baths
Robin Clevenger
Sandra, I loved your article on respect. So I have a question along those
lines of respecting choices and how to put that into practice when it comes
up against other things. Here's my current for-instance: my son hates baths,
bathing, showers, etc. basically anything to do with washing and water. So
it's not generally something I force on him, and usually he gets clean when
we go swimming once or twice a week (he doesn't mind showering afterwards as
much as normal because he hates being itchy from the chlorine even more). In
the last two weeks, we haven't been able to get to the pool though and he's
starting to get a little...um...ripe. In fact, when DH got in the car
yesterday, he thought he had stepped in dog poop, the smell was that bad. So
today I'm insisting on a bath or shower, just for common courtesy to others
(we're carpooling someplace this afternoon, for instance, and I don't think
it's right to submit others to that kind of enclosed aroma).
I guess my question for others is this: How do you go about respecting their
choices and their bodies when those choices cause problems in other areas
(like assaulting someone else's nose!). My son has some fairly severe
sensory issues, and we've come up against this before. Teeth brushing was a
bad one. For two years, I just avoided forcing him to brush his teeth
because he hated it so much. Then, after $2000 worth of dental work on him
(two of his teeth were so rotten they broke), I decided I was going to force
the issue (before that, I had of course tried everything else under the
sun - singing teeth brushing songs, buying books about dentists and teeth
brushing, buying cool electric toothbrushes in the shapes of race cars, 18
different flavors of toothpaste, etc. etc.). It still never felt like a good
choice, because he hated it so much, but I felt I had ran out of options. So
how do you go about this when it is unlikely that anytime soon they are
going to start voluntarily (taking baths, brushing teeth, etc.).
I did sit down and have a talk with my son this morning about why the bath
is important, and offered to build some Alpha Team Lego subs with him to
take in the bath, that has made for grudging acceptance. But I still know he
wouldn't do it if I wasn't forcing the issue (forcing as in me saying, we
can't carpool with his friends if he doesn't bathe).
Blue Skies!
-Robin-
lines of respecting choices and how to put that into practice when it comes
up against other things. Here's my current for-instance: my son hates baths,
bathing, showers, etc. basically anything to do with washing and water. So
it's not generally something I force on him, and usually he gets clean when
we go swimming once or twice a week (he doesn't mind showering afterwards as
much as normal because he hates being itchy from the chlorine even more). In
the last two weeks, we haven't been able to get to the pool though and he's
starting to get a little...um...ripe. In fact, when DH got in the car
yesterday, he thought he had stepped in dog poop, the smell was that bad. So
today I'm insisting on a bath or shower, just for common courtesy to others
(we're carpooling someplace this afternoon, for instance, and I don't think
it's right to submit others to that kind of enclosed aroma).
I guess my question for others is this: How do you go about respecting their
choices and their bodies when those choices cause problems in other areas
(like assaulting someone else's nose!). My son has some fairly severe
sensory issues, and we've come up against this before. Teeth brushing was a
bad one. For two years, I just avoided forcing him to brush his teeth
because he hated it so much. Then, after $2000 worth of dental work on him
(two of his teeth were so rotten they broke), I decided I was going to force
the issue (before that, I had of course tried everything else under the
sun - singing teeth brushing songs, buying books about dentists and teeth
brushing, buying cool electric toothbrushes in the shapes of race cars, 18
different flavors of toothpaste, etc. etc.). It still never felt like a good
choice, because he hated it so much, but I felt I had ran out of options. So
how do you go about this when it is unlikely that anytime soon they are
going to start voluntarily (taking baths, brushing teeth, etc.).
I did sit down and have a talk with my son this morning about why the bath
is important, and offered to build some Alpha Team Lego subs with him to
take in the bath, that has made for grudging acceptance. But I still know he
wouldn't do it if I wasn't forcing the issue (forcing as in me saying, we
can't carpool with his friends if he doesn't bathe).
Blue Skies!
-Robin-
24hrmom
<<Robin Clevenger wrote:
I guess my question for others is this: How do you go about respecting their
choices and their bodies when those choices cause problems in other areas
(like assaulting someone else's nose!)>>
This is becoming an issue at our house as well.
We've been lucky in the dental area to find a wonderful dentist that works great with him (not "on" him, and it's taken them a couple years of appts to get this far), and she seals all his new teeth as they emerge etc. He even managed a filling in her chair this year! Wahoo!
I have never made a big deal about baths/showers, but now that puberty is starting (yikes, already?!) the body odour has become issue with the rest of the family over the last couple of months. When he was younger toys and/or bubbles would usually interest him at least once a week, but that's no longer the case. And although he's really looking forward to swimming in our pool, it's still too cold here right now to dive in. However, that will only delay the issue for a few months anyway.
I'd also really appreciate some discussion/feedback on this topic.
Thanks!
Pam L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I guess my question for others is this: How do you go about respecting their
choices and their bodies when those choices cause problems in other areas
(like assaulting someone else's nose!)>>
This is becoming an issue at our house as well.
We've been lucky in the dental area to find a wonderful dentist that works great with him (not "on" him, and it's taken them a couple years of appts to get this far), and she seals all his new teeth as they emerge etc. He even managed a filling in her chair this year! Wahoo!
I have never made a big deal about baths/showers, but now that puberty is starting (yikes, already?!) the body odour has become issue with the rest of the family over the last couple of months. When he was younger toys and/or bubbles would usually interest him at least once a week, but that's no longer the case. And although he's really looking forward to swimming in our pool, it's still too cold here right now to dive in. However, that will only delay the issue for a few months anyway.
I'd also really appreciate some discussion/feedback on this topic.
Thanks!
Pam L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Heidi
When I was in eighth grade, in science class I sat myself down and
the boy next to me (Randy something. Red hair) said "When did you
last take a shower??!?!" and it hit me: it had been three weeks. :(
Do you know, I carried a great deal of bitterness towards my mother
over that. A boy at school is the first to notice that I stink? Where
WAS my mom? I wasn't gross out of disrespect or disobedience. In my
case, it was simple cluelessness. I washed my hair under the faucet
every day...no shower...so didn't look greasy. but I stank.
If we're talking about respect, and doing what we can to see things
from the kids point of view, once we've asked him/her why it is so
awful to get clean (try to get a feel for why he doesn't want to take
a bath,) and then tell him "I respect your privacy in this matter,
but I can't stand to be around you, and other people can't, either.
You smell bad." I mean, tell it like it is. If you are respecting him
about the showering, then does the respect go both ways? Should your
nostrils be assaulted by his odor?
This is an area where kids need lots of parental involvement.
Brushing teeth and bathing, should be "what we do every day" Part of
your daily routine. I mean, esp. in the health dept. of life: while
you are my kid, I'm paying your medical bills, and you will be
healthier by staying clean and keeping your teeth clean. And maybe it
will take coercion to get it done...
Hope it helps. We haven't run into this problem. Like I say, I had it
as a kid, but that was from a neglectful mother. I doubt you're just
not noticing his stench. LOL
sorry. I feel like I haven't been much help. Just venting a bit, I
guess.
HeidiC
--- In [email protected], "24hrmom" <24hrmom@s...>
wrote:
years of appts to get this far), and she seals all his new teeth as
they emerge etc. He even managed a filling in her chair this year!
Wahoo!
issue with the rest of the family over the last couple of months.
When he was younger toys and/or bubbles would usually interest him at
least once a week, but that's no longer the case. And although he's
really looking forward to swimming in our pool, it's still too cold
here right now to dive in. However, that will only delay the issue
for a few months anyway.
the boy next to me (Randy something. Red hair) said "When did you
last take a shower??!?!" and it hit me: it had been three weeks. :(
Do you know, I carried a great deal of bitterness towards my mother
over that. A boy at school is the first to notice that I stink? Where
WAS my mom? I wasn't gross out of disrespect or disobedience. In my
case, it was simple cluelessness. I washed my hair under the faucet
every day...no shower...so didn't look greasy. but I stank.
If we're talking about respect, and doing what we can to see things
from the kids point of view, once we've asked him/her why it is so
awful to get clean (try to get a feel for why he doesn't want to take
a bath,) and then tell him "I respect your privacy in this matter,
but I can't stand to be around you, and other people can't, either.
You smell bad." I mean, tell it like it is. If you are respecting him
about the showering, then does the respect go both ways? Should your
nostrils be assaulted by his odor?
This is an area where kids need lots of parental involvement.
Brushing teeth and bathing, should be "what we do every day" Part of
your daily routine. I mean, esp. in the health dept. of life: while
you are my kid, I'm paying your medical bills, and you will be
healthier by staying clean and keeping your teeth clean. And maybe it
will take coercion to get it done...
Hope it helps. We haven't run into this problem. Like I say, I had it
as a kid, but that was from a neglectful mother. I doubt you're just
not noticing his stench. LOL
sorry. I feel like I haven't been much help. Just venting a bit, I
guess.
HeidiC
--- In [email protected], "24hrmom" <24hrmom@s...>
wrote:
> <<Robin Clevenger wrote:respecting their
>
> I guess my question for others is this: How do you go about
> choices and their bodies when those choices cause problems in otherareas
> (like assaulting someone else's nose!)>>that works great with him (not "on" him, and it's taken them a couple
>
> This is becoming an issue at our house as well.
>
> We've been lucky in the dental area to find a wonderful dentist
years of appts to get this far), and she seals all his new teeth as
they emerge etc. He even managed a filling in her chair this year!
Wahoo!
>puberty is starting (yikes, already?!) the body odour has become
> I have never made a big deal about baths/showers, but now that
issue with the rest of the family over the last couple of months.
When he was younger toys and/or bubbles would usually interest him at
least once a week, but that's no longer the case. And although he's
really looking forward to swimming in our pool, it's still too cold
here right now to dive in. However, that will only delay the issue
for a few months anyway.
>
> I'd also really appreciate some discussion/feedback on this topic.
>
> Thanks!
> Pam L.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/21/03 9:50:19 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
bunsofaluminum60@... writes:
with Ethan. It just comes down to, we can't stand to be around him. Its
offensive, no, its disgusting ( I let him get THAT bad) His body odor and
his foot odor both. ( he won't wear socks with his shoes) When we can not
stand to be around him, and he does not want to go into another room, I make
him take a bath. I have not found another solution. I have talked to him,
very respectfully, about WHY he needs to bathe. He understands about body
odor. Heck, we all get it sometimes and he finds it offensive too. It's
not like he does not understand foul odors. I have picked Landon up from.
working outside in the field and he reeks! And Ethan does not want to sit
next to him in the van until Landon can get home to take a shower. I have
taken that opportunity to explain that is how we feel when he (Ethan) stinks.
Sometimes, when he really stinks, and we are going somewhere, I give him
the option of bathing or staying at home. He usually chooses to stay at
home. Sometimes, I do not have the option of leaving him at home, so I make
him bathe. I have to physically walk him into the bathroom, turn the water
on for him, and then repeatedly check to make sure he gets in the shower.
Then I have to remind him to put on deodorant. I will let him just "wash up"
under his arms as often as that gets him by. I buy antibacterial wipes for
him to use.
Still, the bottom line is, when he stinks so bad that we can not stand to be
near him, and/or we have to go be around other people, I make him take a
shower. I wish I didn't have to, but I DO think it is a matter of
respecting other folks too. The only reason he will give as to why he will
not shower is "because I don't want to" Basically, he does not want to take
the time to do it. Lots of folks would call it "too lazy". Maybe if
someone outside of our family told him he stinks, it would have more weight
to it.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
bunsofaluminum60@... writes:
> If we're talking about respect, and doing what we can to see thingsHeidi, I agree completely with what you've said. I have this same problem
> from the kids point of view, once we've asked him/her why it is so
> awful to get clean (try to get a feel for why he doesn't want to take
> a bath,) and then tell him "I respect your privacy in this matter,
> but I can't stand to be around you, and other people can't, either.
> You smell bad." I mean, tell it like it is. If you are respecting him
> about the showering, then does the respect go both ways? Should your
> nostrils be assaulted by his odor?
>
with Ethan. It just comes down to, we can't stand to be around him. Its
offensive, no, its disgusting ( I let him get THAT bad) His body odor and
his foot odor both. ( he won't wear socks with his shoes) When we can not
stand to be around him, and he does not want to go into another room, I make
him take a bath. I have not found another solution. I have talked to him,
very respectfully, about WHY he needs to bathe. He understands about body
odor. Heck, we all get it sometimes and he finds it offensive too. It's
not like he does not understand foul odors. I have picked Landon up from.
working outside in the field and he reeks! And Ethan does not want to sit
next to him in the van until Landon can get home to take a shower. I have
taken that opportunity to explain that is how we feel when he (Ethan) stinks.
Sometimes, when he really stinks, and we are going somewhere, I give him
the option of bathing or staying at home. He usually chooses to stay at
home. Sometimes, I do not have the option of leaving him at home, so I make
him bathe. I have to physically walk him into the bathroom, turn the water
on for him, and then repeatedly check to make sure he gets in the shower.
Then I have to remind him to put on deodorant. I will let him just "wash up"
under his arms as often as that gets him by. I buy antibacterial wipes for
him to use.
Still, the bottom line is, when he stinks so bad that we can not stand to be
near him, and/or we have to go be around other people, I make him take a
shower. I wish I didn't have to, but I DO think it is a matter of
respecting other folks too. The only reason he will give as to why he will
not shower is "because I don't want to" Basically, he does not want to take
the time to do it. Lots of folks would call it "too lazy". Maybe if
someone outside of our family told him he stinks, it would have more weight
to it.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
It's funny.. I just sent my last post about Ethan.. Then he comes in for a
goodnight kiss from his Dad, he hugs Dh and Dh says.. "eeww tacos".. Ethan
just giggles. Dh says, "Ethan, maybe you should go take a shower" Ethan
says, Nah, and goes to bed.
OK OK.. LIVE NEWS.. Big topic.. unfolding right now..
Dh says.. Hey. Teresa, in all of these email lists that you're on, does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?
I say, uhh, well.. I cant remember anybody saying thier husband gripes about
it.. Well, yeah, I think maybe some have.. I can't recall specifically.. (Im
stammering here)
He says, "what, they all just keep thier mouths shut and do it ( the
housework) themselves?" I say.. uhh, well, you want me to ask them?
He says' "no, I just figured you told everybody how awful I was for fussing
at you for not doing housework"
I say, "Uhm, no, I've mentioned several times how bad of a housekeeper I am,
but I havent told them you give me grief for it. Here, let me ask, I'll see
what other folks have to say"
He says, "What, you think they will all just say what a dumbass I am for
wanting you to do more housework?"
(Recall what I wrote recently about NEGATOR, low self esteem,
resentfulness??)
I don't answer him, I just type this.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
goodnight kiss from his Dad, he hugs Dh and Dh says.. "eeww tacos".. Ethan
just giggles. Dh says, "Ethan, maybe you should go take a shower" Ethan
says, Nah, and goes to bed.
OK OK.. LIVE NEWS.. Big topic.. unfolding right now..
Dh says.. Hey. Teresa, in all of these email lists that you're on, does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?
I say, uhh, well.. I cant remember anybody saying thier husband gripes about
it.. Well, yeah, I think maybe some have.. I can't recall specifically.. (Im
stammering here)
He says, "what, they all just keep thier mouths shut and do it ( the
housework) themselves?" I say.. uhh, well, you want me to ask them?
He says' "no, I just figured you told everybody how awful I was for fussing
at you for not doing housework"
I say, "Uhm, no, I've mentioned several times how bad of a housekeeper I am,
but I havent told them you give me grief for it. Here, let me ask, I'll see
what other folks have to say"
He says, "What, you think they will all just say what a dumbass I am for
wanting you to do more housework?"
(Recall what I wrote recently about NEGATOR, low self esteem,
resentfulness??)
I don't answer him, I just type this.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary
Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,
just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid
smells?
Around here, from the time our children were very little, bathing and teeth
brushing was always just something that we all did. They saw us do it and
although I never have said "you have to bath or shower or brush your teeth"
it has always been something we just all do. No arguments about it or them
saying they don't want to do it. Well maybe once or twice I can remember
when the kids just didn't feel like it, it was late, they hadn't been out
and one night went by without. But never more than one night. Okay, never
more than one night of not getting wet. We have a pool so sometimes if the
kids are in late that's their shower except Sierra gets rinsed and her hair
washed out because of her curls and chlorine!
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or
bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the other
way around. Now sensory problems aside on this one as I understand how that
would complicate things. I would also think that if I actually waited until
my children would ask for a bath or shower, then I have no idea how long
they would go without one. But we don't wait and don't let time go by,
started when they were little and have never run into that problem.
Mary B
just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid
smells?
Around here, from the time our children were very little, bathing and teeth
brushing was always just something that we all did. They saw us do it and
although I never have said "you have to bath or shower or brush your teeth"
it has always been something we just all do. No arguments about it or them
saying they don't want to do it. Well maybe once or twice I can remember
when the kids just didn't feel like it, it was late, they hadn't been out
and one night went by without. But never more than one night. Okay, never
more than one night of not getting wet. We have a pool so sometimes if the
kids are in late that's their shower except Sierra gets rinsed and her hair
washed out because of her curls and chlorine!
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or
bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the other
way around. Now sensory problems aside on this one as I understand how that
would complicate things. I would also think that if I actually waited until
my children would ask for a bath or shower, then I have no idea how long
they would go without one. But we don't wait and don't let time go by,
started when they were little and have never run into that problem.
Mary B
Deborah Lewis
***in all of these email lists that you're on, does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how their husband gripes all the time
about their wives not doing any housework?***
Here's where you just say, innocently, while batting your eyes, "No
honey, their husbands do ALL the housework." <g>
Deb L, the evil one
anybody ever talk about or discuss how their husband gripes all the time
about their wives not doing any housework?***
Here's where you just say, innocently, while batting your eyes, "No
honey, their husbands do ALL the housework." <g>
Deb L, the evil one
Betsy
**Dh says.. Hey. Teresa, in all of these email lists that you're on,
does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?**
It's interesting how a pessimist thinks. He doesn't say "you don't do
*enough* housework to suit him" his quote says "... not doing *any*
housework." I don't believe that's the truth. It's a negative exaggeration.
All or nothing thinking is a pet peeve of mine. But you don't have to
pass my critique back to your dh. It's not likely to make him happy.
Betsy
** He says, "What, you think they will all just say what a dumbass I am
for wanting you to do more housework?"**
Oh! Now I'm remembering all the discussions we have here where we say
whoever is most interested in having the house be amazingly clean should
do the actual cleaning. ... and I'm STILL not makin' him happy. <g>
does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?**
It's interesting how a pessimist thinks. He doesn't say "you don't do
*enough* housework to suit him" his quote says "... not doing *any*
housework." I don't believe that's the truth. It's a negative exaggeration.
All or nothing thinking is a pet peeve of mine. But you don't have to
pass my critique back to your dh. It's not likely to make him happy.
Betsy
** He says, "What, you think they will all just say what a dumbass I am
for wanting you to do more housework?"**
Oh! Now I'm remembering all the discussions we have here where we say
whoever is most interested in having the house be amazingly clean should
do the actual cleaning. ... and I'm STILL not makin' him happy. <g>
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/21/03 9:46:05 AM, diamondair@... writes:
<< Sandra, I loved your article on respect. So I have a question along those
lines of respecting choices and how to put that into practice when it comes
up against other things. Here's my current for-instance: my son hates baths,
bathing, showers, etc. basically anything to do with washing and water. >>
I assigned my brain to remember where the long and really fruitful discussion
was about teens bathing. My brain is not coming up with it, except maybe it
was at www.unschooling.com. I know it was when Elissa's oldest son, who had
been living with his dad, came to live with her.
Does anyone remember whereabout and wheneabout that discussion was?
Sandra
<< Sandra, I loved your article on respect. So I have a question along those
lines of respecting choices and how to put that into practice when it comes
up against other things. Here's my current for-instance: my son hates baths,
bathing, showers, etc. basically anything to do with washing and water. >>
I assigned my brain to remember where the long and really fruitful discussion
was about teens bathing. My brain is not coming up with it, except maybe it
was at www.unschooling.com. I know it was when Elissa's oldest son, who had
been living with his dad, came to live with her.
Does anyone remember whereabout and wheneabout that discussion was?
Sandra
Robyn Coburn
A couple of months ago my husband and I had a pretty big late night
fight, ostensibly about the sorry state of our apartment. From my POV he
was being a totalitarian, and lazy, jerk who expected me to do
everything, while my priorities were looking after Jayn instead of the
house. He refused to see that any of it was in any way partly his
responsibility. (I should add he is not working.) As the argument
progressed the true state of things eventually came out. It turned out
that he thought I didn't love him anymore, and feared I was planning to
leave him, and that's why I wasn't paying attention to his home and
laundry and stuff. Of course this came as an immense surprise to me,
that he so strongly viewed my taking care of the house as being loving
towards him. We tell each other we love other all the time, so I was
floored that he could feel this doubtful. We had been snapping at each
other for days before the fight, and were certainly crying together
afterwards. I have tried harder and he has become more relaxed,
appreciative and pleasant. Still won't pick up his own socks, let alone
any of Jayn's toys, but I have stopped expecting, or more accurately
hoping, for that to happen. If I need help I have to ask for it, because
he will absolutely not take the initiative. I'm getting to where that is
OK.
Robyn Coburn
Dh says.. Hey. Teresa, in all of these email lists that you're on, does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
fight, ostensibly about the sorry state of our apartment. From my POV he
was being a totalitarian, and lazy, jerk who expected me to do
everything, while my priorities were looking after Jayn instead of the
house. He refused to see that any of it was in any way partly his
responsibility. (I should add he is not working.) As the argument
progressed the true state of things eventually came out. It turned out
that he thought I didn't love him anymore, and feared I was planning to
leave him, and that's why I wasn't paying attention to his home and
laundry and stuff. Of course this came as an immense surprise to me,
that he so strongly viewed my taking care of the house as being loving
towards him. We tell each other we love other all the time, so I was
floored that he could feel this doubtful. We had been snapping at each
other for days before the fight, and were certainly crying together
afterwards. I have tried harder and he has become more relaxed,
appreciative and pleasant. Still won't pick up his own socks, let alone
any of Jayn's toys, but I have stopped expecting, or more accurately
hoping, for that to happen. If I need help I have to ask for it, because
he will absolutely not take the initiative. I'm getting to where that is
OK.
Robyn Coburn
Dh says.. Hey. Teresa, in all of these email lists that you're on, does
anybody ever talk about or discuss how thier husband gripes all the time
about thier wives not doing any housework?
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/21/03 10:37:54 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
mummy124@... writes:
out of the bathtub and then other times he goes for a couple of weeks not
wanting one. But he is still at an age that if I fill the tub with bubbles
and put in a few toys he and his brother are jumping in.
Now Dallen has discovered the greatness in a shower. He will stand under the
shower until it runs cold. LOL
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mummy124@... writes:
> I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering orI think mine go in phases. Especially Phillip. Sometimes you can't keep him
> bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the other
> way around.
out of the bathtub and then other times he goes for a couple of weeks not
wanting one. But he is still at an age that if I fill the tub with bubbles
and put in a few toys he and his brother are jumping in.
Now Dallen has discovered the greatness in a shower. He will stand under the
shower until it runs cold. LOL
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/2003 4:56:47 AM Eastern Standard Time,
dezigna@... writes:
and it has actually turned out to be a wonderful thing because we have been
able to get tons of stuff done on our property and home until he gets called
back. But I know when he is not working, he feels much more vulnerable...maybe
it's a primal thing...not "hunting and bringing in the meat" makes them feel
very useless and unnecessary. It's great that you can recognize it, it makes
all the difference if you can understand what's behind the way they are
reacting.
Are you doing OK financially? Have him take a look at Ebay, it has helped us
out to sell a bunch of our old junk, you'd be surprised what people will pay
for stuff you have sitting in boxes in the shed or closet.
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
dezigna@... writes:
> He refused to see that any of it was in any way partly hisRobyn, my husband has been laid off about 6 months now, he gets unemployment
> responsibility. (I should add he is not working.) As the argument
> progressed the true state of things eventually came out. It turned out
> that he thought I didn't love him anymore, and feared I was planning to
> leave him, and that's why I wasn't paying attention to his home and
> laundry and stuff. Of course this came as an immense surprise to me,
> that he so strongly viewed my taking care of the house as being loving
> towards him. We tell each other we love other all the time, so I was
> floored that he could feel this doubtful. We had been snapping at each
> other for days before the fight, and were certainly crying together
> afterwards.
and it has actually turned out to be a wonderful thing because we have been
able to get tons of stuff done on our property and home until he gets called
back. But I know when he is not working, he feels much more vulnerable...maybe
it's a primal thing...not "hunting and bringing in the meat" makes them feel
very useless and unnecessary. It's great that you can recognize it, it makes
all the difference if you can understand what's behind the way they are
reacting.
Are you doing OK financially? Have him take a look at Ebay, it has helped us
out to sell a bunch of our old junk, you'd be surprised what people will pay
for stuff you have sitting in boxes in the shed or closet.
Nancy
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/2003 1:19:31 AM Eastern Standard Time,
[email protected] writes:
could go for a while and just smell fine.
Then puberty hit. I have been in a car filled with young pubescent people,
and I can tell you that I know what hell must be like! My god, they stink!
Well, I guess some kids are just really resistant to bathing regularly, but
when puberty first hits...watch out!
Kathryn, who is thankful her son is not averse to deodorant, but is still
frightened of his feet
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected] writes:
> Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,It's puberty. When Julian was a wee one, if he wasn't actively dirty, he
> just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid
> smells?
>
could go for a while and just smell fine.
Then puberty hit. I have been in a car filled with young pubescent people,
and I can tell you that I know what hell must be like! My god, they stink!
Well, I guess some kids are just really resistant to bathing regularly, but
when puberty first hits...watch out!
Kathryn, who is thankful her son is not averse to deodorant, but is still
frightened of his feet
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelli Traaseth
----- Original Message -----
From: Betsy
**Oh! Now I'm remembering all the discussions we have here where we say
whoever is most interested in having the house be amazingly clean should
do the actual cleaning. ... and I'm STILL not makin' him happy. <g>**
Yes, this would be me also.
Teresa, I don't know if you even wanted to hear more about this but,,,,,
"Honey, there's the vacuum, the rags are in the closet, too bad we don't have a janitor at this 'homeschool' huh?"
My dh loved that one. Really, the janitor reference really shut him up! <g>
Kelli~who is in a different situation, since my dh is an eternal optimist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/21/03 10:38:05 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
mummy124@... writes:
the 'stinkiness" just started since he began puberty a few months ago. It
is very weird. Yeah, they all take baths "normally", routinely, a daily or
every other day thing with no complaints at all. They have all enjoyed baths as
younger children.. LOVED taking baths and it was never an issue. As Landon
and Anna got older, it was just a smooth transition. They just bathed when
they needed to.. They wanted to be clean. I've never had to tell Landon or Anna
that they need to shower or wash thier hair or anything concerning hygiene.
When Ethan was younger ( just up until the past year or so) bath time was
also a non issue. As a matter of fact, he would sometimes take a bath 2 or 3
times a day just to play in the water. Honestly, I have no idea why he now
refuses to take a shower. Its like, he hit puberty, so, he started having body
odor ( he has to be reminded to put deodorant on too, and he balks at that)..
And, then, he just decided he didn't want to take showers anymore because he
really NEEDED to.
With Ethan, he pretty much refuses anything the feels like the HAS to do.
Maybe it does all come from his school experiences. And, in other areas of
stuff, I just let it go, don't insist ( well, except when sometimes he has to
go somewhere with us and he does not want to) But with the bathing, I get to a
point where I have to insist.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mummy124@... writes:
> Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,Ethan is my only child whom I have had this problem with. He is 11 1/2, and
> just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid
> smells?
>
the 'stinkiness" just started since he began puberty a few months ago. It
is very weird. Yeah, they all take baths "normally", routinely, a daily or
every other day thing with no complaints at all. They have all enjoyed baths as
younger children.. LOVED taking baths and it was never an issue. As Landon
and Anna got older, it was just a smooth transition. They just bathed when
they needed to.. They wanted to be clean. I've never had to tell Landon or Anna
that they need to shower or wash thier hair or anything concerning hygiene.
When Ethan was younger ( just up until the past year or so) bath time was
also a non issue. As a matter of fact, he would sometimes take a bath 2 or 3
times a day just to play in the water. Honestly, I have no idea why he now
refuses to take a shower. Its like, he hit puberty, so, he started having body
odor ( he has to be reminded to put deodorant on too, and he balks at that)..
And, then, he just decided he didn't want to take showers anymore because he
really NEEDED to.
With Ethan, he pretty much refuses anything the feels like the HAS to do.
Maybe it does all come from his school experiences. And, in other areas of
stuff, I just let it go, don't insist ( well, except when sometimes he has to
go somewhere with us and he does not want to) But with the bathing, I get to a
point where I have to insist.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/21/03 11:42:35 PM Eastern Daylight Time,
ecsamhill@... writes:
what my usual arguement is. That is so true true true of him.. He is an "all
or nothing" person. He speaks in extremes. He will say "you never, you
don't , none , all, always.. etc" He does it to me and to the kids too.
That trait of his has been a point of contention for our whole marriage.
He applies to to EVERYTHING, even sex. Say we havent had sex in a few days,
he starts getting upset and resentful. He acts like we never have sex.
Insinuates I am not attracted to him, that I do not want to "be with"
him...The truth is I am probably too tired, or I have a lot on my mind, or
maybe I am just not in the mood. Talking turns to arguing, and I usually
just give in.
Talk about coercing.. my husband is the KING of it. His way of getting me
to do something that HE wants me to do is to badger, gripe, accuse, harrass,
and guilt me into it.
UGHGH, Im sorry. I know this is all personal .. Its just been one of those
days ( yesterday).. .again..
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
ecsamhill@... writes:
> It's interesting how a pessimist thinks. He doesn't say "you don't doOMG OMG.. YES YES. I feel so validated, so confirmed. You said EXACTLY
> *enough* housework to suit him" his quote says "... not doing *any*
> housework." I don't believe that's the truth. It's a negative
> exaggeration.
>
> All or nothing thinking is a pet peeve of mine. But you don't have to
> pass my critique back to your dh. It's not likely to make him happy.
>
> Betsy
>
what my usual arguement is. That is so true true true of him.. He is an "all
or nothing" person. He speaks in extremes. He will say "you never, you
don't , none , all, always.. etc" He does it to me and to the kids too.
That trait of his has been a point of contention for our whole marriage.
He applies to to EVERYTHING, even sex. Say we havent had sex in a few days,
he starts getting upset and resentful. He acts like we never have sex.
Insinuates I am not attracted to him, that I do not want to "be with"
him...The truth is I am probably too tired, or I have a lot on my mind, or
maybe I am just not in the mood. Talking turns to arguing, and I usually
just give in.
Talk about coercing.. my husband is the KING of it. His way of getting me
to do something that HE wants me to do is to badger, gripe, accuse, harrass,
and guilt me into it.
UGHGH, Im sorry. I know this is all personal .. Its just been one of those
days ( yesterday).. .again..
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 8:42:58 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
24hrmom@... writes:
uncomfortable with his changing body. We do do all of the things
suggested.. Baby wipe wash ups, sink wash ups and shampoos. These things
work for about 2-3 weeks.. Then, by then, he gets so "bad" he just has to
get in the shower and really lather up. I'm thining too that when he get
more through puberty, maybe another 6 months or so, he will fall back into a
routine of bathing ( I HOPE). You know, with Anna and Landon, they became
more aware of thier hygiene when they began puberty and they started taking
more showers and all that stuff.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
24hrmom@... writes:
> Joseph has never been one to "embrace" change at the best of times, andYES, this is Ethan too. And I've thought the same thing, about his being
> this is some change!! I'm thinking he may be uncomfortable with his
> physically changing body and avoiding showers/baths for that reason. Right
> now all we can do when we go out is a wipedown with a cloth and a fresh
> shirt, and the occasional hairwash in the sink
uncomfortable with his changing body. We do do all of the things
suggested.. Baby wipe wash ups, sink wash ups and shampoos. These things
work for about 2-3 weeks.. Then, by then, he gets so "bad" he just has to
get in the shower and really lather up. I'm thining too that when he get
more through puberty, maybe another 6 months or so, he will fall back into a
routine of bathing ( I HOPE). You know, with Anna and Landon, they became
more aware of thier hygiene when they began puberty and they started taking
more showers and all that stuff.
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 9:42:43 AM Eastern Daylight Time, grlynbl@...
writes:
either training or deployed and you don't get to shower. It is funny how
everyone really notices when you do take a bath or shower. You are the only
one who smells clean. LOL And one benefit you can tell him is that the bugs
find you less attractive also. They would always attack the one that smelled
like soap, deodorant or perfume. LOL
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> With Ethan, he pretty much refuses anything the feels like the HAS to do.Reading this discussion reminded me of my Army days when you are in the field
> Maybe it does all come from his school experiences. And, in other areas
> of
> stuff, I just let it go, don't insist ( well, except when sometimes he has
> to
> go somewhere with us and he does not want to) But with the bathing, I get
> to a
> point where I have to insist.
>
>
either training or deployed and you don't get to shower. It is funny how
everyone really notices when you do take a bath or shower. You are the only
one who smells clean. LOL And one benefit you can tell him is that the bugs
find you less attractive also. They would always attack the one that smelled
like soap, deodorant or perfume. LOL
Pam G.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 10:18:57 AM Eastern Daylight Time, genant2@...
writes:
bites! JP will get covered in mosquito and flea bites, but Ethan comes away
unbitten..
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
writes:
> And one benefit you can tell him is that the bugsYou know, you're right.. since he stopped showering regularly, he gets NO bug
> find you less attractive also. They would always attack the one that
> smelled
> like soap, deodorant or perfume. LOL
> Pam G.
>
bites! JP will get covered in mosquito and flea bites, but Ethan comes away
unbitten..
Teresa
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robin Clevenger
> From: "Mary" <mummy124@...>Well, in our house it definitely has to do with sensory issues. My son would
> Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,
> just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid
> smells?
never, ever let me brush his teeth without a struggle when he was younger,
and he *hated* water. Even at 4 1/2, he wouldn't go in a swimming pool. I
can totally *understand* it, it makes his skin feel awful. I have sensory
issues myself, though not to this extreme, so I really sympathize with him.
It's just that sometimes, well, he stinks!
> Around here, from the time our children were very little, bathing andteeth
> brushing was always just something that we all did. They saw us do it andteeth"
> although I never have said "you have to bath or shower or brush your
> it has always been something we just all do. No arguments about it or themIf both of my kids were like my second child, I'm sure that's the way it
> saying they don't want to do it.
would go around here too. IMHO it has more to do with the child's innate
personality than with anything the parents are or are not doing. Both DH and
I model bathing and teeth brushing too, LOL!
> I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering orother
> bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the
> way around.The problem for us was having one of them get used to it when he never
wanted to do it in the first place.
> Now sensory problems aside on this one as I understand how thatYep, definitely. But I think for other kids, other things might complicate
> would complicate things.
it. Not wanting to take the time to do it if they're busy playing. Puberty.
Just not liking the feel of it, even if they don't have sensory issues. I
know that I hated showers as a kid, didn't like the way the water felt
hitting my body. Loved baths but hated getting my hair washed. I can see how
it could occur for different kids. The question is more that given that some
kids *don't* like it, how can you respectfully get them to do it. Not easy!
Blue Skies!
-Robin-
Michele Evard
At 08:41 AM 5/22/2003 -0700, 24hrmom wrote:
could temperature changes be part of the issue? personally, i don't like
showering when the bathroom is cold. i just know that getting wet won't be
comfortable, and stepping out of the warm shower will be even worse. (i do
it anyway, don't worry! well, as often as i can... i have 2-year-old twins
and a 4-year-old son...) i imagine that if i had sensory issues, it'd be
worse.
maybe you could try having a space heater in the bathroom? if the dry
towel & clothes are ready and in reach, that can help too. if his hair is
long, maybe he could wear an extra shirt until his hair is dry enough that
it won't saturate his clothes.
i hope this helps,
michele
>Lots of sensory issues with son Joseph but up until now there were ahi pam,
>couple techniques that worked reasonably well when it came to getting in
>the bath or shower.
>:
>growth and body odour. Joseph has never been one to "embrace" change at
>the best of times, and this is some change!! I'm thinking he may be
>uncomfortable with his physically changing body and avoiding showers/baths
>for that reason.
>:
>Any other suggestions for helping him get used to this new stage of his life?
could temperature changes be part of the issue? personally, i don't like
showering when the bathroom is cold. i just know that getting wet won't be
comfortable, and stepping out of the warm shower will be even worse. (i do
it anyway, don't worry! well, as often as i can... i have 2-year-old twins
and a 4-year-old son...) i imagine that if i had sensory issues, it'd be
worse.
maybe you could try having a space heater in the bathroom? if the dry
towel & clothes are ready and in reach, that can help too. if his hair is
long, maybe he could wear an extra shirt until his hair is dry enough that
it won't saturate his clothes.
i hope this helps,
michele
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 8:26:16 AM, grlynbl@... writes:
<< You know, you're right.. since he stopped showering regularly, he gets NO
bug
bites! JP will get covered in mosquito and flea bites, but Ethan comes away
unbitten.. >>
So much showering is probably another unnatural cleaning situation. When
people don't shower they smell like people, and people communicate things with
their scents that the culture doesn't want communicated. We're supposed to
wash up, keep our hands to ourselves, don't stare at each other, and just use our
words.
"Use your words like a big boy," I think Dr. Evil said to Mini Me.
When people don't shower and get into their natural state, they unconsciously
can broadcast desire and fear, and that's just tacky (according to this
culture which keeps telling people they have no instincts remaining, but must learn
everything out of books). I was told just that in school when I was a kid!
That one of the hallmarks of humanity was that unlike birds and dogs, we're
born knowing nothing, and it all has to be inserted through the written word of
those who came before us, discovered things, and wrote them down. Without
that, we would each be born ignorant and just stay that way.
It totally discounted traditional knowledge like how to cook and how to build
a house. The existence of cookbooks and houseplans seemed to be in their
favor!
I'm not saying to let one wild kid spoil our existing tradition to wash,
wash, wash! I'm just acknolwedging what I think might be the basis for our
insistence on washing. We're ignoring an entire facet of biology for a reason.
Civilization exists as it does because courtship involves dates and gifts, not
passing by and getting a whiff that someone's interested in you. And The
Institution of Marriage depends on not getting whiffs of people at work or out in
public. So tell him to wash for the sake of western civilization.
Sandra
<< You know, you're right.. since he stopped showering regularly, he gets NO
bug
bites! JP will get covered in mosquito and flea bites, but Ethan comes away
unbitten.. >>
So much showering is probably another unnatural cleaning situation. When
people don't shower they smell like people, and people communicate things with
their scents that the culture doesn't want communicated. We're supposed to
wash up, keep our hands to ourselves, don't stare at each other, and just use our
words.
"Use your words like a big boy," I think Dr. Evil said to Mini Me.
When people don't shower and get into their natural state, they unconsciously
can broadcast desire and fear, and that's just tacky (according to this
culture which keeps telling people they have no instincts remaining, but must learn
everything out of books). I was told just that in school when I was a kid!
That one of the hallmarks of humanity was that unlike birds and dogs, we're
born knowing nothing, and it all has to be inserted through the written word of
those who came before us, discovered things, and wrote them down. Without
that, we would each be born ignorant and just stay that way.
It totally discounted traditional knowledge like how to cook and how to build
a house. The existence of cookbooks and houseplans seemed to be in their
favor!
I'm not saying to let one wild kid spoil our existing tradition to wash,
wash, wash! I'm just acknolwedging what I think might be the basis for our
insistence on washing. We're ignoring an entire facet of biology for a reason.
Civilization exists as it does because courtship involves dates and gifts, not
passing by and getting a whiff that someone's interested in you. And The
Institution of Marriage depends on not getting whiffs of people at work or out in
public. So tell him to wash for the sake of western civilization.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 8:33:42 AM, diamondair@... writes:
<< I have sensory
issues myself, though not to this extreme, so I really sympathize with him.
It's just that sometimes, well, he stinks! >>
Maybe talk him in to changing shirts a couple of times a day and wash his
shirts often and extra well? That would help some.
Kirby didn't take enough showers until he got a job and now he takes a shower
every morning on his own. It's cool!
Marty's taking more and more showers, gradually. He's about up to every
other day.
Sandra
<< I have sensory
issues myself, though not to this extreme, so I really sympathize with him.
It's just that sometimes, well, he stinks! >>
Maybe talk him in to changing shirts a couple of times a day and wash his
shirts often and extra well? That would help some.
Kirby didn't take enough showers until he got a job and now he takes a shower
every morning on his own. It's cool!
Marty's taking more and more showers, gradually. He's about up to every
other day.
Sandra
[email protected]
24hrmom@... writes:
<< Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,
just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid smells?
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or
bathing every night, >>
No one is this house takes a shower every day. It just isn't done!! lol
I'm not the only one am I??
Waste of water, I say. Just like I'll put clothes that are not dirty on a
hook or hangar to wear again, I don't shower if I'm not dirty or stinky.
But if somebody smells bad, someone else will let them know. No biggie.
Most of the time you don't smell yourself, but other's do. And, btw, I like the
natural smell of my family, especially my husband, *evil grin*
~Aimee
<< Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning,
just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid smells?
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or
bathing every night, >>
No one is this house takes a shower every day. It just isn't done!! lol
I'm not the only one am I??
Waste of water, I say. Just like I'll put clothes that are not dirty on a
hook or hangar to wear again, I don't shower if I'm not dirty or stinky.
But if somebody smells bad, someone else will let them know. No biggie.
Most of the time you don't smell yourself, but other's do. And, btw, I like the
natural smell of my family, especially my husband, *evil grin*
~Aimee
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 6:43:06 AM, 24hrmom@... writes:
<< Any other suggestions for helping him get used to this new stage of his
life? >>
Sometimes I get a moment alone with one of my boys, and I try to say
something nice about missing when he was little, but being proud of (something
specific maybe) now that he's nearly grown. They like to hear "man" or "nearly
grown." They like to hear things like they'll make a good husband or a good dad.
They also like to remember I loved the little boy I still remember so well.
It seems good to me to balance those compliments so it neither seems like I'm
trying to say I'm sorry they're growing up NOR saying that I'm glad they're
getting big finally.
Sandra
<< Any other suggestions for helping him get used to this new stage of his
life? >>
Sometimes I get a moment alone with one of my boys, and I try to say
something nice about missing when he was little, but being proud of (something
specific maybe) now that he's nearly grown. They like to hear "man" or "nearly
grown." They like to hear things like they'll make a good husband or a good dad.
They also like to remember I loved the little boy I still remember so well.
It seems good to me to balance those compliments so it neither seems like I'm
trying to say I'm sorry they're growing up NOR saying that I'm glad they're
getting big finally.
Sandra
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/22/03 6:44:06 AM, KathrynJB@... writes:
<< Then puberty hit. I have been in a car filled with young pubescent people,
and I can tell you that I know what hell must be like! My god, they stink! >>
Judging by the gaming shop (LOTS of boys in fairly windowless area, being
excited sometimes), they stink worse when they're first in puberty (12, 13) than
they do later on. It settles out, or they start washing more, or both.
Sandra
<< Then puberty hit. I have been in a car filled with young pubescent people,
and I can tell you that I know what hell must be like! My god, they stink! >>
Judging by the gaming shop (LOTS of boys in fairly windowless area, being
excited sometimes), they stink worse when they're first in puberty (12, 13) than
they do later on. It settles out, or they start washing more, or both.
Sandra
24hrmom
<<Mary wrote:
Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning, just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid smells?
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the other way around. Now sensory problems aside on this one as I understand how that would complicate things. >>
Lots of sensory issues with son Joseph but up until now there were a couple techniques that worked reasonably well when it came to getting in the bath or shower.
One was what I'd call "go with the flow", for lack of a better term. Every few days I'd tell all the kids that it was bath or shower night (so it wasn't a surprise). That evening I'd start with one of younger kids who didn't mind, and Joseph would likely come upstairs since that's where we all were. When the others were done I'd just say "your turn", and engage him in some interesting conversation, about his current video game or a recent fun activity, while I helped him take off his clothes. Quite often he just "went with the flow" and got in the shower. Other times he walk into the bathroom, hear the running water, tense up and say "I just can't tonight, Mom".
If that happened a couple times in a row I'd go with plan B, where I'd tell him it's been quite a while since he last washed his body, would he like to have a bath or a shower? I'd mention he could bring up some plastic character toys to play with and I'd colour the water or make bubbles if he'd like for a bath or, if he's busy with something, a shower is really quick and he can get back to it. Sometimes he'd say "neither", but after a day or two he was usually clean.
However, neither of these things have been working the last couple of months. I've been thinking about it though and the timing seems to coincide with his more obvious signs of puberty i.e. hair growth and body odour. Joseph has never been one to "embrace" change at the best of times, and this is some change!! I'm thinking he may be uncomfortable with his physically changing body and avoiding showers/baths for that reason. Right now all we can do when we go out is a wipedown with a cloth and a fresh shirt, and the occasional hairwash in the sink.
So what I'm doing now is trying to make him more comfortable with the changes by mentioning them in conversation when we're alone. He doesn't want to talk much about it, but I figure if he hears me talking/knowing about the changes to expect he will see that they are normal. And then hopefully time will help him get used to his "new" body. With swimming season around the corner this should give us a few months leeway! :)
Any other suggestions for helping him get used to this new stage of his life?
Pam L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Okay, I'm having a hard time understanding this. Sincerely not condemning, just wondering how the whole not bathing thing gets so bad that a kid smells?
I guess I'm just thinking that when a child gets used to it, showering or bathing every night, then they feel odd not having one instead of the other way around. Now sensory problems aside on this one as I understand how that would complicate things. >>
Lots of sensory issues with son Joseph but up until now there were a couple techniques that worked reasonably well when it came to getting in the bath or shower.
One was what I'd call "go with the flow", for lack of a better term. Every few days I'd tell all the kids that it was bath or shower night (so it wasn't a surprise). That evening I'd start with one of younger kids who didn't mind, and Joseph would likely come upstairs since that's where we all were. When the others were done I'd just say "your turn", and engage him in some interesting conversation, about his current video game or a recent fun activity, while I helped him take off his clothes. Quite often he just "went with the flow" and got in the shower. Other times he walk into the bathroom, hear the running water, tense up and say "I just can't tonight, Mom".
If that happened a couple times in a row I'd go with plan B, where I'd tell him it's been quite a while since he last washed his body, would he like to have a bath or a shower? I'd mention he could bring up some plastic character toys to play with and I'd colour the water or make bubbles if he'd like for a bath or, if he's busy with something, a shower is really quick and he can get back to it. Sometimes he'd say "neither", but after a day or two he was usually clean.
However, neither of these things have been working the last couple of months. I've been thinking about it though and the timing seems to coincide with his more obvious signs of puberty i.e. hair growth and body odour. Joseph has never been one to "embrace" change at the best of times, and this is some change!! I'm thinking he may be uncomfortable with his physically changing body and avoiding showers/baths for that reason. Right now all we can do when we go out is a wipedown with a cloth and a fresh shirt, and the occasional hairwash in the sink.
So what I'm doing now is trying to make him more comfortable with the changes by mentioning them in conversation when we're alone. He doesn't want to talk much about it, but I figure if he hears me talking/knowing about the changes to expect he will see that they are normal. And then hopefully time will help him get used to his "new" body. With swimming season around the corner this should give us a few months leeway! :)
Any other suggestions for helping him get used to this new stage of his life?
Pam L.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Mary
From: <genant2@...>
<<Now Dallen has discovered the greatness in a shower. He will stand under
the
shower until it runs cold. LOL>>
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the flip side of that. Same problem here too!!!
But I have 3 so far that just love to stay in the shower and play!!! Alyssa
is the only one that gets in and out pretty quickly unless she showers with
me and then she stays in the whole time. Of course Tara's excuse is her
shaving and having so much head hair to wash.......sure.
Mary B
<<Now Dallen has discovered the greatness in a shower. He will stand under
the
shower until it runs cold. LOL>>
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the flip side of that. Same problem here too!!!
But I have 3 so far that just love to stay in the shower and play!!! Alyssa
is the only one that gets in and out pretty quickly unless she showers with
me and then she stays in the whole time. Of course Tara's excuse is her
shaving and having so much head hair to wash.......sure.
Mary B
Heidi
this post reminds me of a time in a grocery store. a friend and I
were going up and down the aisles "hunter-gathering" LOL and once in
awhile, a whiff would hit us. It wasn't entirely pleasant, but not
100% yucky, either. There was definitely B.O. in there, but also
garlic. Strong scent. Not an unclean BO, either. Just Odor of Body,
with strong garlic overtones.
Lo, and behold, if we didn't meet up with the source of this strong,
interesting, difficult odor: a dark haired, dark eyed, nutmeg skinned
man. Middle-eastern looking, for sure, or possibly Indian.
Actually, thinking about it, the man was definitely Indian. My friend
was gagging, I was going "wow. He's sending out his message loud and
clear, idn-ee?" I think, in his culture, anyone would have
known "Here comes a man" without seeing him.
Now! there is also (or was. Haven't seen them for a long time) a
couple in Pocatello, live in a trailer in a parking lot near the
train tracks. And their odor is one of Filthy Human: urine, sweat,
halitosis, etc. Unhealthy. You could smell THEM before you saw them,
too. They looked bad, too. Dirty clothing, greasy uncombed hair. You
wanted to feel sorry for them, but it was very difficult being near
them. bleh.
The Indian fellow, he was dressed nicely and looked well-to-do. so,
in that context, it is a shame that we've gotten away from it, from
sending and receiving messages via odor. Not the dirty, unwashed,
living unhealthily smell, but the strong smell of a man who is
attracting attention on purpose. I betcha, that guy was vital and
strong-willed.
HeidiC
were going up and down the aisles "hunter-gathering" LOL and once in
awhile, a whiff would hit us. It wasn't entirely pleasant, but not
100% yucky, either. There was definitely B.O. in there, but also
garlic. Strong scent. Not an unclean BO, either. Just Odor of Body,
with strong garlic overtones.
Lo, and behold, if we didn't meet up with the source of this strong,
interesting, difficult odor: a dark haired, dark eyed, nutmeg skinned
man. Middle-eastern looking, for sure, or possibly Indian.
Actually, thinking about it, the man was definitely Indian. My friend
was gagging, I was going "wow. He's sending out his message loud and
clear, idn-ee?" I think, in his culture, anyone would have
known "Here comes a man" without seeing him.
Now! there is also (or was. Haven't seen them for a long time) a
couple in Pocatello, live in a trailer in a parking lot near the
train tracks. And their odor is one of Filthy Human: urine, sweat,
halitosis, etc. Unhealthy. You could smell THEM before you saw them,
too. They looked bad, too. Dirty clothing, greasy uncombed hair. You
wanted to feel sorry for them, but it was very difficult being near
them. bleh.
The Indian fellow, he was dressed nicely and looked well-to-do. so,
in that context, it is a shame that we've gotten away from it, from
sending and receiving messages via odor. Not the dirty, unwashed,
living unhealthily smell, but the strong smell of a man who is
attracting attention on purpose. I betcha, that guy was vital and
strong-willed.
HeidiC
>situation. When
> So much showering is probably another unnatural cleaning
> people don't shower they smell like people, and people communicatethings with
> their scents that the culture doesn't want communicated. We'resupposed to
> wash up, keep our hands to ourselves, don't stare at each other,and just use our
> words.
Betsy
**No one is this house takes a shower every day. It just isn't done!!
lol
I'm not the only one am I?? **
When my kid was little and bath-resistant, I didn't bathe him much more
than once a week, and he didn't smell. I like baths and showers, now
that my kid is old enough to not pound on the door while I'm in them, so
I often bathe twice a day for fun. But I don't think every kid
everywhere has to have a bath every day. My son made a turnaround and
likes getting wet, now, but he only bathes every two or three days. If
I catch a whiff, I tell him he smells and he takes a bath. But he
mostly likes baths. My advice won't help a bath-hater.
Betsy
lol
I'm not the only one am I?? **
When my kid was little and bath-resistant, I didn't bathe him much more
than once a week, and he didn't smell. I like baths and showers, now
that my kid is old enough to not pound on the door while I'm in them, so
I often bathe twice a day for fun. But I don't think every kid
everywhere has to have a bath every day. My son made a turnaround and
likes getting wet, now, but he only bathes every two or three days. If
I catch a whiff, I tell him he smells and he takes a bath. But he
mostly likes baths. My advice won't help a bath-hater.
Betsy