Am I just being naïve?
melissa4123
My sister-in-law and I were having a conversation last night
about kids and homeschooling. It started because I was telling
her a story about teenagers, dating, and sex. Her comment was
something along the lines of "Well you can't stop them from
doing what they really want to do anyway." My response was "Of
course you can!" If you raise your kids with moral values and
sense of what's right and wrong then, they will make the right
decisions about these things. She then asked about peer
pressure and said that kids do lots of the wrong things because
of that. That's how we got onto homeschooling because I told
her that was one of the hundred reasons my husband and I were
not sending our daughter to school. I just don't think that it's a
smart choice to throw a group of kids together, all in the same
age range, with no life experience and expect them all to do the
right thing.
My question though is this: Am I just being naïve? My daughter is
only 2 and it will be many more years before my husband and I
have to face dating and boyfriends. I know that many of you on
this list have older kids so I wanted to ask you all. Do "they"
(meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
regardless of what "you" (as parents) think?
Hope this makes sense,
Melissa
about kids and homeschooling. It started because I was telling
her a story about teenagers, dating, and sex. Her comment was
something along the lines of "Well you can't stop them from
doing what they really want to do anyway." My response was "Of
course you can!" If you raise your kids with moral values and
sense of what's right and wrong then, they will make the right
decisions about these things. She then asked about peer
pressure and said that kids do lots of the wrong things because
of that. That's how we got onto homeschooling because I told
her that was one of the hundred reasons my husband and I were
not sending our daughter to school. I just don't think that it's a
smart choice to throw a group of kids together, all in the same
age range, with no life experience and expect them all to do the
right thing.
My question though is this: Am I just being naïve? My daughter is
only 2 and it will be many more years before my husband and I
have to face dating and boyfriends. I know that many of you on
this list have older kids so I wanted to ask you all. Do "they"
(meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
regardless of what "you" (as parents) think?
Hope this makes sense,
Melissa
Angie
>>: Am I just being naïve? My daughter isonly 2 and it will be many more years before my husband and I
have to face dating and boyfriends. I know that many of you on
this list have older kids so I wanted to ask you all. Do "they"
(meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
regardless of what "you" (as parents) think?
I'd like to respond to this, though I rarely post. When I was very
young, say between 7 and 12 yo, I used to say with all honesty that
my Mom was my best friend. I felt immense love towards her. I told
her everything. She was a very permissive parent, meaning I
basically felt like I could do what I wanted, except for things like
staying up late (school the next day) and the like. For a 10 yo
girl, though, I had it pretty good. In Jr. High, I began taking
advantage of my mothers permissiveness, going places without her
knowledge, sneaking
cigarettes, tasting little sips of my best friends Dad'd brandy. I
was a good girl who was experimenting. Once my mom found cigarettes
in my purse. I lied and told them they were not mine. She seemed to
believe me, and I didn't get in trouble, or even really talked to.
From there, I figured that she trusted me so much that I really COULD
get away with anything, and that is where it began, by the time I was
13, I was no longer a virgin, had shoplifted, started sneaking out of
the house at night, been very drunk many
times, and began smoking pot. I was hanging out with total losers,
while still managing to get mostly A's on my report card and
remaining first chair clarinet in Symphonic band. When my mother did
find out about things that I had done, she'd cry with me, tell me how
worried she was, and that she loved me. She made no real moves to
HELP me get away from the negativity that I was breeeding. She didn't
know how she could. My peers had won over the respect that i had for
my mom by the time I was 13. My High school years were even
worse...My mom did the best she could. She was working 2 jobs for
most of my life to keep the bills paid, trying her best to keep 2
kids happy. I am the one who betrayed that trust. My "friends" had
such a pull over me that I could not be stopped. If only I could have
taken a step back and seen those peers for who they really
were...kids just as troubled and lost as i was, with NO guidance or
motivation to succeed. A lot of those kids ended up in jail or
prison, some became
junkies, some just got pregnant early and had abortions. Some died. A
few made it out OK. I was one of the few.
I guess that is one of the reasons why I unschool. I want to be
THERE
for my daughter (11), not just tell her that I'll be there when she
needs me. She needs my physical presence in her life daily, not just
for a couple of hours at night. My relationship with my DD is even
better than my early relationship with my Mom. I, too, am a
very permissive parent. The difference it that I KNOW my daughters
beliefs on cigarettes, sex, drugs, stuck up people, risky behavior.
I know them because we talk about them,alot, not just try to sweep
them
under the rug. When my mom found out that I was having sex at 13 (
after all, she did trust that my boyfriend and I were just in my room
behind closed doors TALKING) she rushed me to the gyno and put me on
the pill. We had never before talked about the dangers or risks
associated with sex. She trusted me without having a basis for doing
so. She automatically assumed that I would not
do anything to hurt myself or others. Unfortunately the 'friends'
that I chose and the temptations surrounding those friendships were
way too alluring. And the whole time, I just knew I could get away
with it. I don't want my dd to think that she can 'get away with
anything'. I want her to make responsible choices. She will not be
able to make those responsible choices if left completely to her own
devices, however. There has to be a good solid foundation from which
she can grow. That is why I unschool, and I just hope it works. It
scares me to think that my dd could end up making the same mistakes
as I did. My dd, however, has a much healthier self-esteem than I
did at her age. She has a strong sense of who she is and where she
wants her life to take her. she is a very different young person
than I was. That being said, I am making a concerted effort, every
day, to keep the lines of communication OPEN. I will never just
ASSUME that she knows what my feelings are, or that I know what hers
are. We talk about everything. And we do it often. She is not
afraid to ask questions about 'sensitive' subjects, and I give her
honest answers, not scare tactics or denial, not threats. Also, I
know who her friends are. To me this is KEY. My mother never had a
clue as to who the kids were that I was hanging out with. BTW, my mom
and I now have a very open relationship. She knows all about my past
and my poor choices. We have cried together several times as
I 'confessed' the things that I had done in my youth. We understand
each other, and she is, to this day, one of my best friends. I'm
just glad that I am still here to be able to say that.
Pamela Sorooshian
On Tuesday, May 20, 2003, at 07:14 AM, melissa4123 wrote:
can tell you that now that they are mostly out on their own, with
infinite opportunities to make their own decisions, they very clearly
demonstrate that they care a LOT about our (parents) opinions. First,
they ask what we think - a lot - they want to talk about everything -
all the dilemmas they face. Second, they tell me that they always have
my voice in their heads - that even when they don't talk directly to me
about things, they are aware of what I'd probably say. They argue with
me in their heads, too, and that helps them think through things. It
isn't all sweet and agreeable and easy -- don't get me wrong - and
sometimes it is hard to bite my tongue and NOT try to just give orders
because I want so MUCH for them to make choices that I agree with - and
they don't always.
They will do what they want - but what they want will include serious
consideration of what we parents think. As an unschooling parent, you
probably won't feel totally shut out and you won't feel like they don't
even care what you think at all, which is how it is with MANY schooled
kids and their parents (but not all, obviously). Unschooled kids have a
habit of thinking for themselves and a lot of practice taking into
consideration parental input - they've been doing it for many years -
nothing changes except that the decisions seem to be more serious -
drugs, alcohol, sex, driving, traveling, working, college, moving out,
moving away, getting married, having babies, etc.
Start talking about stuff early - parents need practice listening to
the difficult-to-hear stuff as much as kids need to be comfortable
talking about it.
Again, they WILL be making their own decisions - so, in that sense,
they'll do what they want. But they won't be like so MANY schooled kids
who totally disregard parental input - often don't even get any input
because, by that time, they are living such separate lives.
-pam
> My question though is this: Am I just being naïve? My daughter isI have an 18 yo and a 15 yo and I know a lot of unschooled teens. I
> only 2 and it will be many more years before my husband and I
> have to face dating and boyfriends. I know that many of you on
> this list have older kids so I wanted to ask you all. Do "they"
> (meaning teenagers) just go ahead and do what "they" want
> regardless of what "you" (as parents) think?
can tell you that now that they are mostly out on their own, with
infinite opportunities to make their own decisions, they very clearly
demonstrate that they care a LOT about our (parents) opinions. First,
they ask what we think - a lot - they want to talk about everything -
all the dilemmas they face. Second, they tell me that they always have
my voice in their heads - that even when they don't talk directly to me
about things, they are aware of what I'd probably say. They argue with
me in their heads, too, and that helps them think through things. It
isn't all sweet and agreeable and easy -- don't get me wrong - and
sometimes it is hard to bite my tongue and NOT try to just give orders
because I want so MUCH for them to make choices that I agree with - and
they don't always.
They will do what they want - but what they want will include serious
consideration of what we parents think. As an unschooling parent, you
probably won't feel totally shut out and you won't feel like they don't
even care what you think at all, which is how it is with MANY schooled
kids and their parents (but not all, obviously). Unschooled kids have a
habit of thinking for themselves and a lot of practice taking into
consideration parental input - they've been doing it for many years -
nothing changes except that the decisions seem to be more serious -
drugs, alcohol, sex, driving, traveling, working, college, moving out,
moving away, getting married, having babies, etc.
Start talking about stuff early - parents need practice listening to
the difficult-to-hear stuff as much as kids need to be comfortable
talking about it.
Again, they WILL be making their own decisions - so, in that sense,
they'll do what they want. But they won't be like so MANY schooled kids
who totally disregard parental input - often don't even get any input
because, by that time, they are living such separate lives.
-pam