unolist

I emailed this an hour ago and it didn't show up, if it does twice,
my apologies.......posting on the website this time......

Quoting something Sandra said, about how she helps families. The
shift going on in our family is really powerful. My 10yo Megan and I
have had some really cool discussions lately. My mom loved me, but
was never there for me in this capacity. I am so thankful for these
conversations between my daughter and me.

A lot of good ones in the car on the way somewhere, she has said she
wishes we could spend all the time in the car because we get along
best and talk so much. Some good ones have been coming at the end of
an argument that would usually not stop like this before. In other
words, I would stew for a long period of time and not be able to let
go of my anger, and the opportunities for talking it out never
happened. I still struggle with this. It's hard to stop focusing on
my own feelings to be there and listen and talk with my daughter.
It's changing, though.

We were talking today after she said something that hurt my feelings
and I got really mad and defensive. She said she hadn't meant it. I
told her of course she meant it, and she said NO. She said "my mouth
is an early riser and my mind sometimes sleeps in." She said why is
it that I(mom) could do something or say something and apologize and
get forgiveness, but she couldn't? It froze me in my tracks. She is
so right about so many things, it just floors me. I have had to
humble myself to her more than once when she sees me being a
hypocrite.

We were also talking about she gets upset and starts feeling like she
is always wrong and doesn't do anything right. She always thinks I am
right about everything and loves to prove me wrong. I told her I'm
not and she has, and it makes us closer, if we're honest.

She said she wants to be an adult, and know everything. I told her I
don't know everything, I make big mistakes (the whole school portion
of her life), and I think it's more important to learn about what
thrills her and know how to find the answer to anything else, and how
to learn from mistakes and not pretend to know everything and always
be right.

We talked about how lots of kids want to be grown up, because it
would mean they have some control of their life. Instead, they exert
their power on other kids to try to feel like they are in control.
She is very familiar with that. And we were able to say that she is
as close to being in contol of her life as possible, as close to
being a grown up, without the worries and fears that children don't
realize adults have. By being unschooled and living and learning and
sleeping and eating all by her own choosing. Mom still needing to let
go even more, but a long way we've come.

She said she wishes I would never say "no", but knows that isn't
realistic. I say "no" a lot less than I used to, because I am not
trying to control her as much. I try to say "yes" more and more,
which is the opposite of the way I used to be. I used to be
controlling and punitive all the time, demanding to know who she
thinks she is (caught myself saying it again the other day-- i hate
that), how dare she try to be an equal to her father and I, she
should know her place, blah blah blah.

It isn't like that so much anymore. I now know she is practicing for
the time when she is on her own. She needs not do as I say, not as I
do. I am modelling behavior for my kids, and never quite realized the
impact before.

While I wish I didn't have to come from negativity on our journey to
peace, it is amazing the DUH moments that I get along the way.

Thanks for everyone involved in my unschooling journey, helping heal
years of negativity and celebrating peace.

Ang