Rob Wight
Hi All
I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just tell me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to the conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes its not. He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding it. So he keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?", "What did she mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said that..." "How..." and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he shouldn't be there or shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need for constant explanations kills the conversation. The person I am trying to talk to becomes frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we were talking about and often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend was trying to introduce me to someone, but James was so demanding that she ended up turning to the lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's impossible to talk to Sue."
If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with bullying when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I would need to talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and explain that we are not talking about him, not talking about anything top secret but that we do want to talk and are having trouble having a conversation with his over involvement. I try to explain that a conversation involves listening and talking but that with his constant questions he is monopolizing the conversation.
Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience and whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret, the conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a dictionary definition of every word.
I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed by the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask him to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go away and punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask him to go away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go away. End of conversation.
We have come so far in the time since we left school and began unschooling (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars are still there and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't get to see us as we now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each other - because of this conversation stress.
I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet my need to talk to people.
Anyone got any advice?
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just tell me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to the conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes its not. He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding it. So he keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?", "What did she mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said that..." "How..." and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he shouldn't be there or shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need for constant explanations kills the conversation. The person I am trying to talk to becomes frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we were talking about and often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend was trying to introduce me to someone, but James was so demanding that she ended up turning to the lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's impossible to talk to Sue."
If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with bullying when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I would need to talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and explain that we are not talking about him, not talking about anything top secret but that we do want to talk and are having trouble having a conversation with his over involvement. I try to explain that a conversation involves listening and talking but that with his constant questions he is monopolizing the conversation.
Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience and whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret, the conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a dictionary definition of every word.
I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed by the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask him to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go away and punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask him to go away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go away. End of conversation.
We have come so far in the time since we left school and began unschooling (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars are still there and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't get to see us as we now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each other - because of this conversation stress.
I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet my need to talk to people.
Anyone got any advice?
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kimberly Stagmeier
Hi Susan,
I am new to this list and hope I am not overstepping my bounds here:
But it sounds like James will be a great reporter some day! With his
keen sense to every detail and his persistent personality along with his
eagerness to know so much.
Just a suggestion but why don’t you try to give him a small notebook
and pencil and let him write down all the things he doesn’t know and
wants to know more about instead of interrupting you at the time.
Perhaps explain it to him as a game of “reporter” the idea being to be
as quiet as possible so he doesn’t miss any details… then he will be
so busy writing instead of talking….Then you guys could spend some
quality time afterwards going over the questions and this would give him
what he ultimately wants which is your undivided attention.
Kimberly
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob Wight [mailto:robwight@...]
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 9:28 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom]
Hi All
I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just
tell me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to
the conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes
its not. He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding
it. So he keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?",
"What did she mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said
that..." "How..." and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he
shouldn't be there or shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need
for constant explanations kills the conversation. The person I am trying
to talk to becomes frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we
were talking about and often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend
was trying to introduce me to someone, but James was so demanding that
she ended up turning to the lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's
impossible to talk to Sue."
If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to
whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with
bullying when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I
would need to talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and
explain that we are not talking about him, not talking about anything
top secret but that we do want to talk and are having trouble having a
conversation with his over involvement. I try to explain that a
conversation involves listening and talking but that with his constant
questions he is monopolizing the conversation.
Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience
and whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret,
the conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a
dictionary definition of every word.
I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a
more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still
happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk
exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly
somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed
by the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask
him to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go
away and punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask
him to go away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go
away. End of conversation.
We have come so far in the time since we left school and began
unschooling (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars
are still there and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't
get to see us as we now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each
other - because of this conversation stress.
I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet
my need to talk to people.
Anyone got any advice?
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am new to this list and hope I am not overstepping my bounds here:
But it sounds like James will be a great reporter some day! With his
keen sense to every detail and his persistent personality along with his
eagerness to know so much.
Just a suggestion but why don’t you try to give him a small notebook
and pencil and let him write down all the things he doesn’t know and
wants to know more about instead of interrupting you at the time.
Perhaps explain it to him as a game of “reporter” the idea being to be
as quiet as possible so he doesn’t miss any details… then he will be
so busy writing instead of talking….Then you guys could spend some
quality time afterwards going over the questions and this would give him
what he ultimately wants which is your undivided attention.
Kimberly
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob Wight [mailto:robwight@...]
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 9:28 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom]
Hi All
I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just
tell me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to
the conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes
its not. He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding
it. So he keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?",
"What did she mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said
that..." "How..." and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he
shouldn't be there or shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need
for constant explanations kills the conversation. The person I am trying
to talk to becomes frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we
were talking about and often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend
was trying to introduce me to someone, but James was so demanding that
she ended up turning to the lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's
impossible to talk to Sue."
If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to
whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with
bullying when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I
would need to talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and
explain that we are not talking about him, not talking about anything
top secret but that we do want to talk and are having trouble having a
conversation with his over involvement. I try to explain that a
conversation involves listening and talking but that with his constant
questions he is monopolizing the conversation.
Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience
and whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret,
the conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a
dictionary definition of every word.
I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a
more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still
happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk
exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly
somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed
by the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask
him to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go
away and punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask
him to go away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go
away. End of conversation.
We have come so far in the time since we left school and began
unschooling (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars
are still there and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't
get to see us as we now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each
other - because of this conversation stress.
I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet
my need to talk to people.
Anyone got any advice?
Susan
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
melissa4123
Hi Susan,
I was thinking this same thing (why not try giving him a pencil and
pad of paper so that he could write down his questions without
interupting and then you can go over eveything with him after the
conversation) as I was reading your post. I'm glad I wasn't the only
one with that thought.
Melissa
--- In [email protected], "Kimberly Stagmeier"
<ksdvm@b...> wrote:
I was thinking this same thing (why not try giving him a pencil and
pad of paper so that he could write down his questions without
interupting and then you can go over eveything with him after the
conversation) as I was reading your post. I'm glad I wasn't the only
one with that thought.
Melissa
--- In [email protected], "Kimberly Stagmeier"
<ksdvm@b...> wrote:
> Hi Susan,
> I am new to this list and hope I am not overstepping my bounds here:
>
> But it sounds like James will be a great reporter some day! With his
> keen sense to every detail and his persistent personality along with his
> eagerness to know so much.
>
> Just a suggestion but why don¡Çt you try to give him a small notebook
> and pencil and let him write down all the things he doesn¡Çt know and
> wants to know more about instead of interrupting you at the time.
> Perhaps explain it to him as a game of ¡Èreporter¡É the idea being to be
> as quiet as possible so he doesn¡Çt miss any details¡Ä then he will be
> so busy writing instead of talking¡Ä.Then you guys could spend some
> quality time afterwards going over the questions and this would give him
> what he ultimately wants which is your undivided attention.
>
> Kimberly
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: Rob Wight [mailto:robwight@i...]
> Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 9:28 PM
> To: [email protected]
> Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom]
>
> Hi All
>
> I have a problem that I need some input on by parents who won't just
> tell me that my children just need to learn who is boss!
>
> When anyone visits, often my 11 year old son, James, likes to listen to
> the conversation. While this is okay by me most of the time, sometimes
> its not. He doesn't like to let anything go past without understanding
> it. So he keeps interrupting the conversation with "What did she say?",
> "What did she mean when she said...", "What did you mean when you said
> that..." "How..." and so on. Whilst in principal I see no reason why he
> shouldn't be there or shouldn't take part in the conversation, his need
> for constant explanations kills the conversation. The person I am trying
> to talk to becomes frustrated, I become frustrated, we forget what we
> were talking about and often run out of time. On one occasion, a friend
> was trying to introduce me to someone, but James was so demanding that
> she ended up turning to the lady, throwing up her hands and saying "It's
> impossible to talk to Sue."
>
> If I get to a stage where I ask him to let me have a talk on my own to
> whoever, he is hurt and feels ostracized (He suffered a lot with
> bullying when in school) and just genuinely doesn't understand why I
> would need to talk to someone without him there. I then have to try and
> explain that we are not talking about him, not talking about anything
> top secret but that we do want to talk and are having trouble having a
> conversation with his over involvement. I try to explain that a
> conversation involves listening and talking but that with his constant
> questions he is monopolizing the conversation.
>
> Sometimes too there are conversations which are beyond his experience
> and whilst I don't want to give the impression that they are top secret,
> the conversation can't go beyond his understanding while he insists on a
> dictionary definition of every word.
>
> I do find the situation is a lot less stressful around people who have a
> more accepting view of children - unschoolers in particular but it still
> happens at a lower level. With people who expect to be able to talk
> exclusively to me and that the children will just go and play quietly
> somewhere, his needs seem to quadruple and I end up feeling overwhelmed
> by the struggle of trying to have a conversation. Then I hesitate to ask
> him to go away, because I know they will expect me to tell him to go
> away and punish him if he doesn't. I don't want to do that. When I ask
> him to go away he doesn't understand ends up crying and still doesn't go
> away. End of conversation.
>
> We have come so far in the time since we left school and began
> unschooling (two and a half years ago), but the emotional school scars
> are still there and I find it frustrating that visitors usually don't
> get to see us as we now are - far more relaxed and comfortable with each
> other - because of this conversation stress.
>
> I want to respect James' need for explanations, but also be able to meet
> my need to talk to people.
>
> Anyone got any advice?
>
> Susan
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
>
>
> Yahoo! Groups Sponsor
>
>
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> 6&lineid=3179269¢ç=egroupweb&pos=HM>
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>
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> the moderator, Joyce Fetteroll (fetteroll@e...), or the list
> owner, Helen Hegener (HEM-Editor@h...).
>
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> an email to:
> [email protected]
>
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> <http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/> Terms of Service.
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]