unschooling as not "normal"
[email protected]
Last night, after a long tiring day trip and a few tense family
moments, I was laying in bed with my 8 and 10 yo sons. At the
moment when my oldest was about to fall asleep he had an interesting
thing to say out of the blue. Something like "sometimes I wish you
just put me in school when I was 5 like everyone else, and we never
even knew about homeschooling, and then I'd be normal."
My first reaction was heart-sinking panic (these words have been my
worst homeschooling-related nightmare since he was five and didn't
go to school), but I covered it up pretty well and tried to respond
rationally and explore with him why he felt that way.
We talked about how he's free to try school any time he wants to,
but that didn't satisfy him much since a.) he's already tasted
comlete freedom and knows that it's a hard act to follow, and b.) he
feels like it's a culture he doesn't understand and would stick out
like a sore thumb if he did go. My 8yo then piped up and said that
he *wants* to go to school but he's afraid that he'll look stupid
since he can't really read yet and struggles with handwriting.
(He's aware that he knows more than other kids in *other* areas but
this doesn't help much when he pictures himself in a school setting.)
We left the conversation open, but I'm sure it will come up again
today, and I'm trying very hard to not get too emotional and
override their opinions and desires with my own. I'm also trying
not to let my pride get in the way. (Oh my God, the "I told you
so"s that would fly if certain family members overheard that
conversation!)
Has anyone else gone through this? I should point out that we live
in a small town where everyone goes to school, including their best
friends. Philosophically I'm an unschooler at heart, so it pains me
to even be thinking about these things.
I'm totally okay with not being "normal", but apparently it's
something that bothers my children sometimes. Their drive to be
part of their immediate community is strong enough to override all
of the "you're so lucky" comments they get from schooled friends.
I need some new insights here.
:-/
Patti
moments, I was laying in bed with my 8 and 10 yo sons. At the
moment when my oldest was about to fall asleep he had an interesting
thing to say out of the blue. Something like "sometimes I wish you
just put me in school when I was 5 like everyone else, and we never
even knew about homeschooling, and then I'd be normal."
My first reaction was heart-sinking panic (these words have been my
worst homeschooling-related nightmare since he was five and didn't
go to school), but I covered it up pretty well and tried to respond
rationally and explore with him why he felt that way.
We talked about how he's free to try school any time he wants to,
but that didn't satisfy him much since a.) he's already tasted
comlete freedom and knows that it's a hard act to follow, and b.) he
feels like it's a culture he doesn't understand and would stick out
like a sore thumb if he did go. My 8yo then piped up and said that
he *wants* to go to school but he's afraid that he'll look stupid
since he can't really read yet and struggles with handwriting.
(He's aware that he knows more than other kids in *other* areas but
this doesn't help much when he pictures himself in a school setting.)
We left the conversation open, but I'm sure it will come up again
today, and I'm trying very hard to not get too emotional and
override their opinions and desires with my own. I'm also trying
not to let my pride get in the way. (Oh my God, the "I told you
so"s that would fly if certain family members overheard that
conversation!)
Has anyone else gone through this? I should point out that we live
in a small town where everyone goes to school, including their best
friends. Philosophically I'm an unschooler at heart, so it pains me
to even be thinking about these things.
I'm totally okay with not being "normal", but apparently it's
something that bothers my children sometimes. Their drive to be
part of their immediate community is strong enough to override all
of the "you're so lucky" comments they get from schooled friends.
I need some new insights here.
:-/
Patti
[email protected]
My nephew was here today. They spent the night after a concert, two nephews
and another friend from my home town.
Elijah just turned 17. He lately dropped out of high school. He was
homeschooled for much of elementary. He said this morning, clearly and
directly to me, eye to eye, "The biggest mistake I ever made was going back
to school in 6th grade."
We talked about various light and social things, about other teens they know
here in New Mexico, some in and some out of school. He and Joshua, his
brother, said it's easier in Albuquerque for kids to have a social life and a
busy life if they're homeschooled than it is in a smaller town.
Sandra
and another friend from my home town.
Elijah just turned 17. He lately dropped out of high school. He was
homeschooled for much of elementary. He said this morning, clearly and
directly to me, eye to eye, "The biggest mistake I ever made was going back
to school in 6th grade."
We talked about various light and social things, about other teens they know
here in New Mexico, some in and some out of school. He and Joshua, his
brother, said it's easier in Albuquerque for kids to have a social life and a
busy life if they're homeschooled than it is in a smaller town.
Sandra
joannec28804
--- In [email protected], <patti.schmidt2@v...>
wrote:
school-at-home homeschoolers. Most of their friends "do school" and
my kids sometimes feel impressed by the official look of
their "school-rooms", schedules, time-lines etc. Through reading
this list, I just gradually stopped doing any structured schoolwork
with them, and while they are happy to be spending their days free of
that, they sometimes feel they're not measuring up. They don't have
the external rewards that school-kids, or school at home kids might
get--grades, gold stars, completed workbooks etc.
It just occurred to me recently, that while I understood what we're
doing, they really didn't...they thought we were just slacking off,
drifting about...and we were always VERY relaxed homeschoolers to
begin with. At any rate, I've started sharing with them more about
WHY we've changed, what I don't like about the way schools work etc,
and it seems to give them a sense of understanding...
"Ahhh...there's a plan!"
My older dtr said the other day about a rather controlling fellow HS
mom--"She treats her dtr like she's a rat in a cage, giving her
rewards for good behavior."
Just talking this out helps them see that we have CHOSEN this
lifestyle. It helps them when they start comparing themselves to
their peers. I'm hoping that unschooling will help my kids not care
so much about "being normal"--what freedom THAT would be!
Jo
wrote:
> Last night, after a long tiring day trip and a few tense familyinteresting
> moments, I was laying in bed with my 8 and 10 yo sons. At the
> moment when my oldest was about to fall asleep he had an
> thing to say out of the blue. Something like "sometimes I wish youMy kids have some of this--not so much about school but about other,
> just put me in school when I was 5 like everyone else, and we never
> even knew about homeschooling, and then I'd be normal."
>>
>
school-at-home homeschoolers. Most of their friends "do school" and
my kids sometimes feel impressed by the official look of
their "school-rooms", schedules, time-lines etc. Through reading
this list, I just gradually stopped doing any structured schoolwork
with them, and while they are happy to be spending their days free of
that, they sometimes feel they're not measuring up. They don't have
the external rewards that school-kids, or school at home kids might
get--grades, gold stars, completed workbooks etc.
It just occurred to me recently, that while I understood what we're
doing, they really didn't...they thought we were just slacking off,
drifting about...and we were always VERY relaxed homeschoolers to
begin with. At any rate, I've started sharing with them more about
WHY we've changed, what I don't like about the way schools work etc,
and it seems to give them a sense of understanding...
"Ahhh...there's a plan!"
My older dtr said the other day about a rather controlling fellow HS
mom--"She treats her dtr like she's a rat in a cage, giving her
rewards for good behavior."
Just talking this out helps them see that we have CHOSEN this
lifestyle. It helps them when they start comparing themselves to
their peers. I'm hoping that unschooling will help my kids not care
so much about "being normal"--what freedom THAT would be!
Jo
The Burton Bunch
Patti,
We live in a small town as well and for a long time the only opportunity to be around other kids was at the ps. My dd is the one who has struggled with this the most. She would talk about going back (we took them out of ps three years ago) after a long busy day - or when older brother didn't spend as much time with her. We tried the local hs group but it was not a good fit...very religion based. It has taken some time for her to find herself -- I know this is different from your situation as your kids have never been in school....I can only say that by the time morning came for us her outlook was always much better. A new day - getting involved in something alone, with older brother, or me......feeling comfortable and relaxed and in her own environment again seemed to help the most. Listening and not getting the "deer in the headlights" look when she needed to talk about it allowed her to open up and express her loneliness. If you asked her today about going back ---- you would get a big resounding NO! Getting comfortable in her own skin (not what other school friends "thought" she should be) has shown her she truly doesn't want to be like them. She enjoys playing with a lot of other kids but has no need to fit in. Recently some other kids moved in nearby. This very shy girl marched outside and introduced herself.....they've spent every weekend together since. The greatest gift for me has been watching her confidence in herself grow - she is very happy with who she is and what she wants.
Jinger
We live in a small town as well and for a long time the only opportunity to be around other kids was at the ps. My dd is the one who has struggled with this the most. She would talk about going back (we took them out of ps three years ago) after a long busy day - or when older brother didn't spend as much time with her. We tried the local hs group but it was not a good fit...very religion based. It has taken some time for her to find herself -- I know this is different from your situation as your kids have never been in school....I can only say that by the time morning came for us her outlook was always much better. A new day - getting involved in something alone, with older brother, or me......feeling comfortable and relaxed and in her own environment again seemed to help the most. Listening and not getting the "deer in the headlights" look when she needed to talk about it allowed her to open up and express her loneliness. If you asked her today about going back ---- you would get a big resounding NO! Getting comfortable in her own skin (not what other school friends "thought" she should be) has shown her she truly doesn't want to be like them. She enjoys playing with a lot of other kids but has no need to fit in. Recently some other kids moved in nearby. This very shy girl marched outside and introduced herself.....they've spent every weekend together since. The greatest gift for me has been watching her confidence in herself grow - she is very happy with who she is and what she wants.
Jinger
----- Original Message -----
From: patti.schmidt2@...
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, May 14, 2003 12:05 PM
Subject: [Unschooling-dotcom] unschooling as not "normal"
Last night, after a long tiring day trip and a few tense family
moments, I was laying in bed with my 8 and 10 yo sons. At the
moment when my oldest was about to fall asleep he had an interesting
thing to say out of the blue. Something like "sometimes I wish you
just put me in school when I was 5 like everyone else, and we never
even knew about homeschooling, and then I'd be normal."
My first reaction was heart-sinking panic (these words have been my
worst homeschooling-related nightmare since he was five and didn't
go to school), but I covered it up pretty well and tried to respond
rationally and explore with him why he felt that way.
We talked about how he's free to try school any time he wants to,
but that didn't satisfy him much since a.) he's already tasted
comlete freedom and knows that it's a hard act to follow, and b.) he
feels like it's a culture he doesn't understand and would stick out
like a sore thumb if he did go. My 8yo then piped up and said that
he *wants* to go to school but he's afraid that he'll look stupid
since he can't really read yet and struggles with handwriting.
(He's aware that he knows more than other kids in *other* areas but
this doesn't help much when he pictures himself in a school setting.)
We left the conversation open, but I'm sure it will come up again
today, and I'm trying very hard to not get too emotional and
override their opinions and desires with my own. I'm also trying
not to let my pride get in the way. (Oh my God, the "I told you
so"s that would fly if certain family members overheard that
conversation!)
Has anyone else gone through this? I should point out that we live
in a small town where everyone goes to school, including their best
friends. Philosophically I'm an unschooler at heart, so it pains me
to even be thinking about these things.
I'm totally okay with not being "normal", but apparently it's
something that bothers my children sometimes. Their drive to be
part of their immediate community is strong enough to override all
of the "you're so lucky" comments they get from schooled friends.
I need some new insights here.
:-/
Patti
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