Praising Children
forumtate
I just walked past my 3 yo son's room as he was playing Blue's Clues
Art CD on his computer. The animated character said to him, "wow,
you must be a shape expert or something!"
Wondering how you all feel about praising children. My son seems to
need it, but he also gives praise a lot to others. Is telling
him, "good job!" too much making him dependent on others' approval?
Lately when he says, "so what do you think about that, Mom?" I try to
re-direct him and say, "what do YOU think about it, Zach?" He'll
say, "I like it!" or something, and then I'll assure him that THAT is
what counts. Comments?
Side note: we also say, "I love you" a lot in this house. Now I'm
wondering if we do it too much, and he needs that constant
reassurance
Next Side Note: Is this his Love Language? "Words of
Encouragement"? Anyone read that book? *B*G*
TATE, occasional lurker
=o)
Art CD on his computer. The animated character said to him, "wow,
you must be a shape expert or something!"
Wondering how you all feel about praising children. My son seems to
need it, but he also gives praise a lot to others. Is telling
him, "good job!" too much making him dependent on others' approval?
Lately when he says, "so what do you think about that, Mom?" I try to
re-direct him and say, "what do YOU think about it, Zach?" He'll
say, "I like it!" or something, and then I'll assure him that THAT is
what counts. Comments?
Side note: we also say, "I love you" a lot in this house. Now I'm
wondering if we do it too much, and he needs that constant
reassurance
Next Side Note: Is this his Love Language? "Words of
Encouragement"? Anyone read that book? *B*G*
TATE, occasional lurker
=o)
Kelly Lenhart
> we also say, "I love you" a lot in this house. Now I'mI'm of the opinion that, so long as it's true, you CAN NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU
>wondering if we do it too much, and he needs that constant
>reassurance.
TOO MUCH. Can't be done.
I've read some things recently about praise and have realized that I was
doing some things already and can do more in the way of useful praise.
Instead of the "good boy" and "great job" stuff, I try to be specific.
"Thank you for being cooperative at the store today. I know you didn't want
to go, but it was a big help to me." Rather than, "Thanks for being good at
the store."
Kelly
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/9/03 10:17:42 AM, momtate@... writes:
<< Wondering how you all feel about praising children. My son seems to
need it, but he also gives praise a lot to others. Is telling
him, "good job!" too much making him dependent on others' approval?
<<Lately when he says, "so what do you think about that, Mom?" I try to
re-direct him and say, "what do YOU think about it, Zach?" He'll
say, "I like it!" or something, and then I'll assure him that THAT is
what counts. Comments? >>
I think "good job" is vague and starts to go unheard.
And if you say "You are great," that might be something he comes to need, and
it's also the kind of thing that defines him (in ways you don't really have
the power or authority to do, like just because a parent tells a kid "You're
really gorgeous and smart!" that doesn't mean that objectively she's gorgeous
and smarter than all other kids, but she might take it that way, as something
to take to the social bank; I think that's harmful) [punctuation went to
hell, going to another paragraph...]
What I think is good and honest and not harmful is if parents say what THEY
think and how their child is making them feel. Some I've used lately and
thought "Oh, good one" instead of "DOH!" when I said it:
"I like to hear you singing around the house."
"I'm really glad you and Marty are getting along these days."
"Thanks for helping me move that stuff. I really appreciate it."
"Thanks for helping Holly. I was getting impatient with her. I'm glad you
weren't."
"You're so fun to talk to!"
Sandra
<< Wondering how you all feel about praising children. My son seems to
need it, but he also gives praise a lot to others. Is telling
him, "good job!" too much making him dependent on others' approval?
<<Lately when he says, "so what do you think about that, Mom?" I try to
re-direct him and say, "what do YOU think about it, Zach?" He'll
say, "I like it!" or something, and then I'll assure him that THAT is
what counts. Comments? >>
I think "good job" is vague and starts to go unheard.
And if you say "You are great," that might be something he comes to need, and
it's also the kind of thing that defines him (in ways you don't really have
the power or authority to do, like just because a parent tells a kid "You're
really gorgeous and smart!" that doesn't mean that objectively she's gorgeous
and smarter than all other kids, but she might take it that way, as something
to take to the social bank; I think that's harmful) [punctuation went to
hell, going to another paragraph...]
What I think is good and honest and not harmful is if parents say what THEY
think and how their child is making them feel. Some I've used lately and
thought "Oh, good one" instead of "DOH!" when I said it:
"I like to hear you singing around the house."
"I'm really glad you and Marty are getting along these days."
"Thanks for helping me move that stuff. I really appreciate it."
"Thanks for helping Holly. I was getting impatient with her. I'm glad you
weren't."
"You're so fun to talk to!"
Sandra
[email protected]
Tate,
I rec'd a tip from an older friend of mine, when my kids were young. Instead
of saying, "I'm so proud of you!" to her children, she would say, "You must
be so proud of yourself!" whenever they would do something nice for someone
else or do something well. Isn't that great?
Susan
In a message dated 5/9/2003 11:16:47 AM Central Standard Time,
momtate@... writes:
I rec'd a tip from an older friend of mine, when my kids were young. Instead
of saying, "I'm so proud of you!" to her children, she would say, "You must
be so proud of yourself!" whenever they would do something nice for someone
else or do something well. Isn't that great?
Susan
In a message dated 5/9/2003 11:16:47 AM Central Standard Time,
momtate@... writes:
> Wondering how you all feel about praising children. My son seems to[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> need it, but he also gives praise a lot to others. Is telling
> him, "good job!" too much making him dependent on others' approval?
>
> Lately when he says, "So what do you think about that, Mom?" I try to
> re-direct him and say, "what do YOU think about it, Zach?" He'll
> say, "I like it!" or something, and then I'll assure him that THAT is
> what counts. Comments?
>
> Side note: we also say, "I love you" a lot in this house. Now I'm
> wondering if we do it too much, and he needs that constant
> reassurance…
> Next Side Note: Is this his Love Language? "Words of
> Encouragement"? Anyone read that book? *B*G*
>
> TATE, occasional lurker
> =o)
>
>
>
[email protected]
I'm of the opinion that, so long as it's true, you CAN NEVER SAY I LOVE YOU
TOO MUCH. Can't be done
I totally agree with this! I tell my kids I love them all the time, or so I
thought. The other day my almost 5 year old son wandered off in Target and I
had to get help finding him. My almost 4 daughter and I were really scared.
He was fine, playing with the wedding registry computer by the door. When we
got to the car I asked him what he thought I should do - I was pretty upset,
frightened, frustrated, but not yelling (thankfully) - to make sure he
listens to my warnings about staying close to me. He was quiet for a while
and then said softly "You could love me more."
Now I don't think he believes I don't love him. But I think he has a hard
time understanding that I can love him and not be happy about what he is
doing. I had really helped me, and helped our relationship, that he said
that to me. I'm so glad I asked! I have been really listening to the words
I choose when I speak to him and trying to put them through his filter.
Trying to understand where he is coming from to get at why he does what he
does.
OK, now I'm not sure my story has much to do with the original post, but I
wanted to share. I need to breathe and listen more. My children are such
great teachers!
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
TOO MUCH. Can't be done
I totally agree with this! I tell my kids I love them all the time, or so I
thought. The other day my almost 5 year old son wandered off in Target and I
had to get help finding him. My almost 4 daughter and I were really scared.
He was fine, playing with the wedding registry computer by the door. When we
got to the car I asked him what he thought I should do - I was pretty upset,
frightened, frustrated, but not yelling (thankfully) - to make sure he
listens to my warnings about staying close to me. He was quiet for a while
and then said softly "You could love me more."
Now I don't think he believes I don't love him. But I think he has a hard
time understanding that I can love him and not be happy about what he is
doing. I had really helped me, and helped our relationship, that he said
that to me. I'm so glad I asked! I have been really listening to the words
I choose when I speak to him and trying to put them through his filter.
Trying to understand where he is coming from to get at why he does what he
does.
OK, now I'm not sure my story has much to do with the original post, but I
wanted to share. I need to breathe and listen more. My children are such
great teachers!
Elizabeth
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Solich
> I'm of the opinion that, so long as it's true, you CAN NEVER SAY I LOVEYOU
> TOO MUCH. Can't be done.want
>
> I've read some things recently about praise and have realized that I was
> doing some things already and can do more in the way of useful praise.
> Instead of the "good boy" and "great job" stuff, I try to be specific.
> "Thank you for being cooperative at the store today. I know you didn't
> to go, but it was a big help to me." Rather than, "Thanks for being goodat
> the store."I've been trying to stop praising the kids for *good behaviour* and thanking
>
> Kelly
>
them more for their help/cooperation. I've seen my boys straighten up
alittle and smile at my words of appreciation and they want to help me far
more often than they did before.
They have always been lovely kids, helpful and kind, but it seems that in
changing the way I speak to them I've given them back their dignity. They
are walking tall and responding with a lot of love.
It's quite amazing to watch. Makes me want to cry and laugh at the same
time.
Julie
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