Ann

Ugggh! This is a 'school option' I was unaware of!

Ann


http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/09/international/americas/09MEXI.html?th

From near the end:

Ms. Maxym, author of "Teens in Turmoil: A Path to Change for Parents,
Adolescents and their Families" (Viking Penguin, 2000) said, "I find it
interesting that parents will spend less time finding a school for their
child than buying a new car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parents, Shopping for Discipline, Turn to Tough Schools Abroad

By TIM WEINER

ENSENADA, Mexico — Ryan Fraidenburgh was 14 when he was brought here
shackled, kicking and screaming.

Two men carrying handcuffs and leg irons came for him at his
mother's home in Sacramento, Calif., shoved him into a van and bound him
hand and foot. They drove
him 12 hours south, over the Mexican border, into a high-walled compound
near here called Casa by the Sea.

"It was nighttime," Ryan recalled. "I look around and I see kids
sleeping on cement. I was really, really scared. The big honcho,
Mauricio, said, `You don't speak English
here.' I didn't know how to speak Spanish."

Ryan quickly learned the rules: stay silent, be compliant, don't look
up, don't look out the window, don't speak unless spoken to. The
punishments for breaking the rules
included solitary confinement, lying on the floor in a small room, nose
to the ground, often for days on end.

Ryan was not a criminal. He was only skipping school, his parents said
in telephone interviews. But in August 2000, they said, in the middle of
a bitter divorce and custody
battle, they decided to send him away to Casa by the Sea, which calls
itself a "specialty boarding school" for behavior modification.

Like hundreds of other parents, the Fraidenburghs made their choice
largely on the basis of a glossy brochure and a call to a toll-free
number in Utah. They came to regret
their choice.

The idea of sending a child to such a program in Mexico was unheard of a
decade ago. But in the United States, behavior-modification programs and
boarding schools for
troubled youths have faced increasing legal and licensing challenges
over the past few years.

More and more are moving abroad — some to Mexico, Central America or the
Caribbean — where they operate largely under the regulation radar and
where some employ
minimum-wage custodians more than teachers or therapists, say government
officials, education consultants and clinical psychologists.

The behavior-modification business is booming at Casa by the Sea, on
Mexico's Pacific Coast, the largest of 11 affiliated programs with
roughly 2,200 youths, about half of
them in Mexico, Costa Rica and Jamaica. The programs are run by a small
group of businessmen based in St. George, Utah, under the banner of the
World Wide
Association of Specialty Programs and Schools, or Wwasps, and Teen Help,
the programs' main marketing arm.

Over the past seven years, local governments and State Department
officials have investigated Wwasps-affiliated programs in Mexico, the
Czech Republic and Samoa on
charges of physical abuse and immigration violations. The Mexican
program, in Cancún, and the Czech program closed, and their owners left
those countries saying they
feared unjust charges. The Samoan program cut its affiliation with
Wwasps.

Ken Kay, the president of Wwasps, would not allow a reporter to visit
Casa by the Sea; Dace Goulding, the program's director, declined to
answer any questions. But Mr.
Kay, responding to inquiries in writing from his office in Utah, said no
charge of abuse had ever been proven against any of the programs in any
court.

"We are about getting families back together," he said in a written
statement. "We are not for everyone, and there are very few but
vociferous critics of not just us but any
youth intervention." He described many of the program's critics as
parents who feel they have been "manipulated, brainwashed or duped" or
who are battling through divorce
and taking their anger out "by making us look terrible."

In telephone interviews, eight teenagers who were formerly in Casa by
the Sea described a system in which the youths try to ascend six
"levels" through a system of
rewards and punishments, including being sent to "R and R," a small,
bare isolation room, often for days on end. Discipline, not education,
was the rule, they said.

For Laura Hamel, 17, of Vienna, Va., who counts herself as a success
story, it was a slow two-year ascent to graduation in March. She said
she was demoted from Level 3
back to Level 1 after giving a weeping, lonely friend a hug and a kiss
on the cheek at Thanksgiving. Affection of that kind is forbidden.

A youth who rises to Levels 4, 5 and 6 can become a "junior staff
member" and "participate in the discipline process" against lower-level
youths, Casa's contract with
parents says.

"The authority is in your hands," said Ryan Pink, 19, of El Paso, who
reached Level 5 at Casa. "You can discipline kids. The younger kids —
they were constantly being
restrained, being punished, put in R and R for four or five days. Nose
to the wall. Or nose to the ground. And at night you sleep in the
hallways."

Many parents and youths say the behavior-management system of discipline
and punishment scares youths into sobriety and obedience. Others —
parents and youths
formerly enrolled, education experts, government authorities and a
former Wwasps program director — say the programs profit from struggling
parents unable to handle their
depressed, delinquent, defiant or drug-abusing children.

"Their goal is not to help teens in crisis or their families," according
to a former director of one Wwasps-affiliated program, Amberly Knight.
"It is to make millions of dollars."

The financial success of Casa by the Sea is evident. Its enrollment has
nearly tripled, from about 200 youths when it opened in 1998 to more
than 570 today, almost all
American teenagers. Already among the biggest programs of its kind
outside the United States, Casa by the Sea has just spun off another
program for those 18 and over.

Tuition and fees at Casa by the Sea run about $30,000 a year, half of
what some United States-based programs cost. Its staff members "do not
need and may not
necessarily have" teaching credentials, Casa's contract with parents
plainly states.

Lon Woodbury, publisher of Woodbury Reports, which rates schools and
programs for troubled teenagers inside and outside the United States,
said one reason that
American programs have moved abroad is "to avoid the laws and
regulations of the States." He added, "They can hire minimum-wage staff
and still charge stateside prices."

Profit margins and growth within the programs run by Wwasps appear
solid. Teen Help, the affiliation's main marketing arm, was the single
biggest corporate campaign
contributor in the state of Utah in the 2002 election cycle, donating
$215,290 to Republican campaigns, according to online federal election
records posted in March.

Mr. Kay, the Wwasps president, said that the proof of the programs'
success is the way in which "behavior of students generally changes
drastically." The organization's
internal surveys, he said, proved that "more than 98 percent of the
schools' parents are completely satisfied." He wrote, "No wonder these
are the fastest growing Schools of
their kind in the world!!!"

The overseas "specialty boarding school" industry is growing so fast
that United States consular officials in overseas embassies say they
have no idea how many such
programs exist.

"No authorities in Mexico control these institutions," said Elisa
Ledesma, a lawyer at the American Consulate in Tijuana. Consular
officers demanded and received access
to several such programs in Mexico, one official said, after they "heard
horror stories from parents."

The consular officers have the power, under the Vienna Convention, to
visit overseas programs to check on the well-being of American citizens
under 18.

In January, after several such visits, the State Department issued a
notice on "behavior modification facilities" in Mexico, Costa Rica and
Jamaica. The programs may
"isolate the children in relatively remote sites" and restrict their
contact with the outside world, it said.

At least seven programs in Utah, Montana, South Carolina and New York
are Wwasps affiliates, according to the organization's Web site; at
least three have faced legal
challenges. Utah state officials say they are reviewing the license of
the flagship Wwasps program, Cross Creek Manor, and that a second
program, Majestic Ranch, is
operating without a proper license.

Six weeks ago, according to the state attorney general's office in Utah,
a director of Majestic Ranch entered into a court agreement to have no
unsupervised contact with
children after he was charged with misdemeanor child abuse.

Attorneys for both programs contest the licensing challenges. South
Carolina officials have fined a third Wwasps program, Carolina Springs
Academy, $5,000 for operating
without a license.

While some dissatisfied parents have sued Wwasps and its programs, the
contract that parents sign with Casa by the Sea sets high hurdles for
them. It states plainly that
the program "does not accept responsibility for services written in
sales materials or brochures" or promises made by "staff or public
relations personnel" and that any
dispute between a parent and the program must be settled in a Mexican
court, not in the United States.

The Wwasps programs market themselves under a multitude of interlinked
Web sites. Their sales personnel offer thousands of dollars in
incentives to adults who recruit new
youths or host Web sites advertising the programs.

Some parents said in interviews that they enrolled their children in
programs they had never visited after browsing Web sites, brochures and
videotapes depicting happy
children in a wholesome setting.

"I sent him there sight unseen," said Patti Reddoch, of Sweeny, Tex.,
who considered Dundee Ranch for her son, Edmund Brumaghin, now 17, but
chose Casa by the Sea
instead. "The music he was listening to started getting darker and he
was getting more into the drugs, and that's when I decided I needed to
do something.

"So I went on the Internet and started searching around and found the
Wwasp program. I contacted them and made the arrangements, and that's
pretty much it. It didn't take
me any time at all."

Mrs. Reddoch, speaking by telephone, said she then hired an "escort
service" familiar with Casa by the Sea to handcuff and transport her son
away at 5 a.m. one Sunday
last September.

That morning, her son cursed her bitterly, but now his attitude is
changing, she said.

"I am very pleased with the school," said Ms. Reddoch, who said she
visited Casa by the Sea once, for a weekend, last January. "I've started
putting out brochures for
referrals. I would recommend Casa to anyone."

Reality may differ from the brochures, however. "Everyone has a shaved
head," Michael Zieghelboim, who was formerly enrolled at Casa by the
Sea, said in a telephone
interview. "They walk around like zombies. Most of the staff have no
training."

"Casa by the Sea was the scariest thing that ever happened to me," said
Mr. Zieghelboim, who now lives with his father in El Salvador.

He said that despite falling behind in his education at Casa by the Sea
— at 17, he is now in the 10th grade — he rates himself a success. "If I
had never gone there, I'd
probably still be doing cocaine," he said.

This kind of tough discipline is an attraction for many exasperated
parents.

The program runs "a very tight ship," said Virginia Day, of Redmond,
Wash., who sent her son, Gabriel, 15, to the program in July.

"The staff that works most closely with the kids are not necessarily
professionals, and I know that this is an issue," said Ms. Day, who
called herself a very satisfied
customer. "This is not a school that specializes in a therapeutic
component."

Carol Maxym, an educational consultant in Maryland, said: "What they are
looking for at Casa is compliance. Compliance is easy, if you break the
kid down enough. And
compliance is cheap." She added, "The parents often don't realize what's
going on."

Youths and staff at other overseas Wwasps programs have described harsh
conditions. One was Aaron Kravig, now 19. He said he contracted scabies,
untreated for six
months, ate meals of watery porridge and fish entrails, and was schooled
almost solely with "emotional growth" videos at Tranquility Bay, the
Wwasps-affiliated program in
Jamaica, according to a transcript of sworn testimony he gave last year
at a Virginia state court hearing.

In Costa Rica, Ms. Knight, the former director of the Wwasps-affiliated
Academy at Dundee Ranch, resigned in August after sending a letter to
the national minister of child
welfare calling for the program to be shut down.

The letter said the program was "hiring unqualified, untrained, staff"
and providing "the bare minimum of food and living essentials." It said
the program "takes financial
advantage of parents in crisis, and puts teens in physical and emotional
risk."

The speed with which some parents choose an overseas
behavioral-modification program for their children baffles some
educational consultants.

"I find it incredible that parents would send their kids off to some
place they've heard about on the Internet," Mr. Woodbury said.

Ms. Maxym, author of "Teens in Turmoil: A Path to Change for Parents,
Adolescents and their Families" (Viking Penguin, 2000) said, "I find it
interesting that parents will
spend less time finding a school for their child than buying a new car."

Ryan Fraidenburgh's father, Bob, an aerospace engineering executive,
said he had only glanced at Casa by the Sea's "brochures that looked
like Club Med." He said he
removed Ryan from the program by himself in January 2001 after deciding
he had been too hasty.

"We made a huge mistake," he said. "Until the day I die I'll regret
that."

Ryan's mother, Carolyn, said: "We were expecting treatment, not a
minimum-wage person to watch over your kid like he was an animal in a
cage."


Copyright 2003 The New York Times Company

[email protected]

In a message dated 5/9/03 9:53:45 AM, anns@... writes:

<< The programs may

"isolate the children in relatively remote sites" and restrict their

contact with the outside world, it said. >>

So it's basically like what some people accuse homeschoolers of doing!
(joking)

<any

dispute between a parent and the program must be settled in a Mexican

court, not in the United States.>>

Wow.
Not letting them speak English, them not knowing Spanish, school denying
responsibility... It's at the very LEAST a recipe for sexual abuse.

<Mrs. Reddoch, speaking by telephone, said she then hired an "escort

service" familiar with Casa by the Sea to handcuff and transport her son

away at 5 a.m. one Sunday

last September.>>

So it's not kidnapping or false imprisonment if the parents say "okay"?
Does that mean parents could sell their kids into slavery?

What the hell IS with children's rights in this country? Maybe they really
do have none whatsoever. Maybe THIS could get pressure going on the U.S. to s
ign off on /in on the U.N. declaration on the rights of children.

<<Ryan's mother, Carolyn, said: "We were expecting treatment, not a

minimum-wage person to watch over your kid like he was an animal in a

cage.">>

After that, though, the public school system must REALLY look like Club Med!
And dark music and rock'n'roll would even look pretty good if the parents had
any compassion whatsoever.

But I guess it's not an article about compassion.

Sandra

Betsy

**For Laura Hamel, 17, of Vienna, Va., who counts herself as a success
story, it was a slow two-year ascent to graduation in March. She said
she was demoted from Level 3
back to Level 1 after giving a weeping, lonely friend a hug and a kiss
on the cheek at Thanksgiving. Affection of that kind is forbidden.

A youth who rises to Levels 4, 5 and 6 can become a "junior staff
member" and "participate in the discipline process" against lower-level
youths, Casa's contract with
parents says.
**

How utterly revolting! What an important story to publish.

I was half way through the second paragraph, above and the voice in my
head was saying "<snip> A youth who rises to Levels 4, 5 and 6 can
become a..." and I finished the sentence with "become a Nazi". And I
think the rest of the paragraph supports that conclusion.

Betsy

Olga

This article was extremely upsetting to me. My niece is in one of
the schools mentioned in the article. Her mother, my dh's sister, is
a general wreck as a parent so we all saw the blow up coming. Her
other 2 children has alot of problems too so my poor niece was the
last in line and truely crying out for help. Granted, from what my
SIL "told" us she was heavily into drugs by the time she sent her.
However, he mother has made horrible decisions and is the kind of
person who blames everything on baf luck. No ability to take
responsibility. We were all devestated when we heard. Her mother had
a habit of keeping her kids away while they were in trouble and then
suddenly you would hear when there was a big blow up (i.e her 15 to
daughter was 5 months pregnant before we heard), mind you the whole
family sees eachother at all holidays so it is not exactly easy to
hide someone. Anyway, by the time we heard she was sent.

You know in your heart it is going to be terrible. They have sent
two pictures thus far and she has lost a tremendous amount od
weight. No one can talk to her until she earns X amount if points,
levels. Me and DH refused to write. We felt that we would not be a
ble to express our true feelings because we knew things were being
filtered down to her. She has been there for about a year (the
school in Jamaica). The few letters we have recieved are so
ridiculous, they are like a little kid wrote them. Everyone has said
it sounds like completely brainwashed words. I was crying when I read
the article because I know she will never recover from what they are
doing to her. Me and DH had talked of taking her in, but mom lives
so close and lets her get away with somuch that we could not see it
being do-able.

So what to do?? I am sending the article to her mom although I am
sure she will pull out the parts about the mom who claimed it
worked. I also plan to make sure my dh's whole family gets a copy
because her mother is not going to quitely hide away. But beyond
that I am afraid she is going to leave her there.

Anway, terribly sorry to blab but had to get it off my chest.

Olga :)
>
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/05/09/international/americas/09MEXI.html?
th
>
> .
>
> "It was nighttime," Ryan recalled. "I look around and I see kids
> sleeping on cement. I was really, really scared. The big honcho,
> Mauricio, said, `You don't speak English
> here.' I didn't know how to speak Spanish."
>
> Ryan quickly learned the rules: stay silent, be compliant, don't
look
> up, don't look out the window, don't speak unless spoken to. The
> punishments for breaking the rules
> included solitary confinement, lying on the floor in a small room,
nose
> to the ground, often for days on end.
>
> Like hundreds of other parents, the Fraidenburghs made their choice
> largely on the basis of a glossy brochure and a call to a toll-free
> number in Utah. They came to regret
> their choice.

> For Laura Hamel, 17, of Vienna, Va., who counts herself as a success
> story, it was a slow two-year ascent to graduation in March. She
said
> she was demoted from Level 3
> back to Level 1 after giving a weeping, lonely friend a hug and a
kiss
> on the cheek at Thanksgiving. Affection of that kind is forbidden.
>
> A youth who rises to Levels 4, 5 and 6 can become a "junior staff
> member" and "participate in the discipline process" against lower-
level
> youths, Casa's contract with
> parents says.
>
> "The authority is in your hands," said Ryan Pink, 19, of El Paso,
who
> reached Level 5 at Casa. "You can discipline kids. The younger
kids —
> they were constantly being
> restrained, being punished, put in R and R for four or five days.
Nose
> to the wall. Or nose to the ground. And at night you sleep in the
> hallways."
>
>
> > "I am very pleased with the school," said Ms. Reddoch, who said
she
> visited Casa by the Sea once, for a weekend, last January. "I've
started
> putting out brochures for
> referrals. I would recommend Casa to anyone."
>
> Reality may differ from the brochures, however. "Everyone has a
shaved
> head," Michael Zieghelboim, who was formerly enrolled at Casa by the
> Sea, said in a telephone
> interview. "They walk around like zombies. Most of the staff have no
> training."
>
"This is not a school that specializes in a therapeutic
> component."
>
> Youths and staff at other overseas Wwasps programs have described
harsh
> conditions. One was Aaron Kravig, now 19. He said he contracted
scabies,
> untreated for six
> months, ate meals of watery porridge and fish entrails, and was
schooled
> almost solely with "emotional growth" videos at Tranquility Bay, the
> Wwasps-affiliated program in
> Jamaica, according to a transcript of sworn testimony he gave last
year
> at a Virginia state court hearing.
>

jmcseals SEALS

I say, do everything feasable to get her out. If that means suing for
custody, then that's the route *I'd* take. But, I know it takes money and
generally, lots of it.

When I was 14, my mother put me into a treatment facility because I snuck
out her car. ONCE! Seriously, that was the extent to my 'badness'. My
brother wasn't far behind me. Her excuse with him was that he was
rebellious. (Whatever that meant to her.) The thing that pisses me off
about these places, very popular in the 80's, is that they needed no excuse.
When I was in the 'hospital', they told my mother I was pregnant. I'd
NEVER even had SEX! When my next period started, they told me I was having
a miscarriage. I was put in solitary because I threw such a fit and begged
my family to get me out. No one listened to me. That damn place had my
entire family convinced I was a horrible kid. NOW they tell me they wished
they would have done something to help me. My mom bounced us aound from
family member to facility without a bat of an eye. I think the worst part
of it now is that she acts like she doesn't remember it. She's apologized
profusely for being a bad mom, in general, but ignores or changes the
conversation when those days come up.

I am still affected by those experiences. In many ways, it's good. I
became a mother at 16, but was hell bent on being the best mother I could
possibly be. I'm very proud of what I have accomplished in the past 15
years, despite all the 'proof' that children, such as myself, end up
repeating the cycle. I didn't!

Sadly, my brother wasn't as fortunate. He lived his life a shadow of my
mother's. Irresponsible, depressed and lonely. His whole life was focused
on himself. He has a beautiful son but never quite got himself together
enough to be the father he could have been. He was a great guy with a great
soul but was forever torn because of his childhood. He died in December of
'01 of a heroin overdose. The last time I saw him, a couple of days before
he died, he told me no one loved him because we (the family at large)
wouldn't help him. He had been in a car accident and just received a
$10,000 settlement. By day 4, all but $500 dollars was gone, but he didn't
have the money to get an apartment.

A few months ago, I found letters my family sent me while I was in the
hospital. My brother had written me a letter, asking me to help him make
rules so mom wouldn't make him go back into the hospital again. (I'd been
in 4 times, plus time spent in a children's home, and he'd been in twice.)
He didn't understand why anyone in our family wouldn't help. Why mom was
making *him* make the rules. He was only 13! It wasn't his job! He was
failing a class in school and that was her reason for sending him in for the
last time. He moved in with my great grandparents but I guess the damamge
was done. He never recovered from everything that had happened. He was 25
when he died. NOW, my mother is feeling the guilt. She lost her job so we
moved in and took over payments. We found out a few days ago that she
wasn't making the payments we were giving her and the house is in
foreclosure, so we are ridding ourselves of the relationship and buying a
new house. I talked to her the other day (she lives with my grandparents
now) and told her how much it hurt me that she would do this to my family.
Especially my children. Her response was, "I know! I'm losing everything I
have! Don't you know I am miserably depressed because I won't have anything
now?" She still doesn't get it. It's all about her.

Hmmm, here I go again, seriously side-tracking. Basically, my point is that
if I were in your shoes, I'd do everything in my power to help my neice.
What happened to her baby? To me, it doesn't sound like this poor girl has
what she needs at home. Perhaps the family could rally together to help
her? I think showing this article would be of great help. I know my family
didn't see the place I was in for what it was(n't) worth. They just
believed my mother, even when their instinct told them otherwise. Having
the "professionals" on my mom's side surely didn't make it any easier for
them to believe me. I wish they had.

Jennifer

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Olga

Jennifer,

I have thought about it although I don't know if that would help
altogether. Her mother sounds a bit like yours, unable to make
responsible decisions for her children. We live minutes apart. I am
afraid if we had her, she would just rush there to get her way. BTW,
should have clarified it was her sister who got pregnant and her
brother got his girlfried pregnant at the same time. My poor niece
was stuck in a house with 2 pregnant teens, a lazy brother both of
whom had ben kicked out of school and were being *followed* by the
police due to their associations. She was basically the neglegted
kid. My SIL had warned her mother, and we all discussed it, that as
soon as all the preganacies hit my niece (in the program) would need
lots of extra attention. She just started to dissapear from us and
then she was in Jamiaca. That family's list of problems is endless.
My husband took care of her kids for a big part of their and hid
childhood. I think he actually just blocks alot of it out. It
really hurts him to see all the problems in the home.

I am so sorry to hear you went through such hard times. You should
really be proud that you have become such a wonderful mom! I can
tell how commited you are by what you post. I hope I get to meet you
and your crew someday ;) We are defintely passing the article around
and I am going to stir the *sh*t* with his family and see what can
happen from there. I am going to send my niece a care package of
some kind but they are extremely strict about what she can have. I
am not sure what will be left by the time she gets it. My DH
suggested a short letter that says "when you come out you have
someone here who loves you and wants to listen." I thought that
sounded good. What would you have wanted to hear besides, "you're
free".

Olga

PS. My SIL had to sign over custody to the school!


> I say, do everything feasable to get her out. If that means suing
for
> custody, then that's the route *I'd* take. But, I know it takes
money and
> generally, lots of it.
>
> When I was 14, my mother put me into a treatment facility because I
snuck
> out her car. ONCE! Seriously, that was the extent to
my 'badness'. My
> brother wasn't far behind me. Her excuse with him was that he was
> rebellious. (Whatever that meant to her.) The thing that pisses
me off
> about these places, very popular in the 80's, is that they needed
no excuse.
> When I was in the 'hospital', they told my mother I was
pregnant. I'd
> NEVER even had SEX! When my next period started, they told me I
was having
> a miscarriage. I was put in solitary because I threw such a fit
and begged
> my family to get me out. No one listened to me. That damn place
had my
> entire family convinced I was a horrible kid. NOW they tell me
they wished
> they would have done something to help me. My mom bounced us aound
from
> family member to facility without a bat of an eye. I think the
worst part
> of it now is that she acts like she doesn't remember it. She's
apologized
> profusely for being a bad mom, in general, but ignores or changes
the
> conversation when those days come up.
>
> I am still affected by those experiences. In many ways, it's
good. I
> became a mother at 16, but was hell bent on being the best mother I
could
> possibly be. I'm very proud of what I have accomplished in the
past 15
> years, despite all the 'proof' that children, such as myself, end
up
> repeating the cycle. I didn't!
>
> Sadly, my brother wasn't as fortunate. He lived his life a shadow
of my
> mother's. Irresponsible, depressed and lonely. His whole life was
focused
> on himself. He has a beautiful son but never quite got himself
together
> enough to be the father he could have been. He was a great guy
with a great
> soul but was forever torn because of his childhood. He died in
December of
> '01 of a heroin overdose. The last time I saw him, a couple of
days before
> he died, he told me no one loved him because we (the family at
large)
> wouldn't help him. He had been in a car accident and just received
a
> $10,000 settlement. By day 4, all but $500 dollars was gone, but
he didn't
> have the money to get an apartment.
>
> A few months ago, I found letters my family sent me while I was in
the
> hospital. My brother had written me a letter, asking me to help
him make
> rules so mom wouldn't make him go back into the hospital again.
(I'd been
> in 4 times, plus time spent in a children's home, and he'd been in
twice.)
> He didn't understand why anyone in our family wouldn't help. Why
mom was
> making *him* make the rules. He was only 13! It wasn't his job!
He was
> failing a class in school and that was her reason for sending him
in for the
> last time. He moved in with my great grandparents but I guess the
damamge
> was done. He never recovered from everything that had happened.
He was 25
> when he died. NOW, my mother is feeling the guilt. She lost her
job so we
> moved in and took over payments. We found out a few days ago that
she
> wasn't making the payments we were giving her and the house is in
> foreclosure, so we are ridding ourselves of the relationship and
buying a
> new house. I talked to her the other day (she lives with my
grandparents
> now) and told her how much it hurt me that she would do this to my
family.
> Especially my children. Her response was, "I know! I'm losing
everything I
> have! Don't you know I am miserably depressed because I won't have
anything
> now?" She still doesn't get it. It's all about her.
>
> Hmmm, here I go again, seriously side-tracking. Basically, my
point is that
> if I were in your shoes, I'd do everything in my power to help my
neice.
> What happened to her baby? To me, it doesn't sound like this poor
girl has
> what she needs at home. Perhaps the family could rally together to
help
> her? I think showing this article would be of great help. I know
my family
> didn't see the place I was in for what it was(n't) worth. They
just
> believed my mother, even when their instinct told them otherwise.
Having
> the "professionals" on my mom's side surely didn't make it any
easier for
> them to believe me. I wish they had.
>
> Jennifer
>
> _________________________________________________________________
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> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jmcseals SEALS

<<My DH suggested a short letter that says "when you come out you have
someone here who loves you and wants to listen." I thought that
sounded good.>>

I think that is beautiful! I have a letter from my great grandmother saying
almost the exact same thing. :)

<<What would you have wanted to hear besides, "you're free".>>>

"I love you. I believe you. My home will always be open to you and I will
do everything I can to help you. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
You are NOT a bad kid."

That would have made me feel there was *some* sense of hope. Even if I knew
I couldn't get out yet. It's hard to remember everything I was feeling at
that time, but from reading the letters I wrote back then, I think those
things would have made all the difference in the world. In a situation like
that...and I think mine was probably MUCH better than where she is...it's so
easy to feel like no one gives a shit. Just keep writing. Everyday if you
can. Even if it's almost the exact same thing every time. Tell her
wonderful stories of times you have shared with her. Tell her every good
thing you can possibly think about her. Just let her know she isn't alone
in the world. Mail is her saving grace, if she gets it, I promise. :)

<<PS. My SIL had to sign over custody to the school!>>

I'd definitely call an attorney. Most will at least talk to you for free
for half an hour. Call 50 if you have to! They won't know you already
talked to someone else! At least to explore your options and find out if
you, or anyone in the family, have any. It may be possible to have a
restraining order taken out against her mother, initially. I don't know the
entire story, so I may be a little overboard as to my feelings and
suggestions about it, but if she signed her rights away and her daughter is
living anything close to what that article described, I'd be scared
shitless. I'm so sorry. :(

Abundant Blessings,
Jennifer

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Olga

Jennifer,

Thanks for all the adivce. I wrote your "letter" down word for word
because I don't think I could have said it better.

Olga :)

--- In [email protected], "jmcseals SEALS"
<jmcseals@m...> wrote:
> <<My DH suggested a short letter that says "when you come out you
have
> someone here who loves you and wants to listen." I thought that
> sounded good.>>
>
> I think that is beautiful! I have a letter from my great
grandmother saying
> almost the exact same thing. :)
>
> <<What would you have wanted to hear besides, "you're free".>>>
>
> "I love you. I believe you. My home will always be open to you
and I will
> do everything I can to help you. I'm sorry for what you are going
through.
> You are NOT a bad kid."
>
> That would have made me feel there was *some* sense of hope. Even
if I knew
> I couldn't get out yet. It's hard to remember everything I was
feeling at
> that time, but from reading the letters I wrote back then, I think
those
> things would have made all the difference in the world. In a
situation like
> that...and I think mine was probably MUCH better than where she
is...it's so
> easy to feel like no one gives a shit. Just keep writing.
Everyday if you
> can. Even if it's almost the exact same thing every time. Tell
her
> wonderful stories of times you have shared with her. Tell her
every good
> thing you can possibly think about her. Just let her know she
isn't alone
> in the world. Mail is her saving grace, if she gets it, I
promise. :)
>
> <<PS. My SIL had to sign over custody to the school!>>
>
> I'd definitely call an attorney. Most will at least talk to you
for free
> for half an hour. Call 50 if you have to! They won't know you
already
> talked to someone else! At least to explore your options and find
out if
> you, or anyone in the family, have any. It may be possible to have
a
> restraining order taken out against her mother, initially. I don't
know the
> entire story, so I may be a little overboard as to my feelings and
> suggestions about it, but if she signed her rights away and her
daughter is
> living anything close to what that article described, I'd be scared
> shitless. I'm so sorry. :(
>
> Abundant Blessings,
> Jennifer
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> MSN 8 helps eliminate e-mail viruses. Get 2 months FREE*.
> http://join.msn.com/?page=features/virus
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

jmcseals SEALS

<<Thanks for all the adivce. Olga>>

You're welcome, dear! I hope it all works out. You are being a terrific
aunt, btw! :) She won't forget it!

Jennifer

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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]