Re: keeping balance/tricky parents...
Tracy Oldfield
hahahaha, what do you think of this issue when related to food, instead of maths? For instance, we went to the baker's shop (forgot to list that :-) and got cakes for after lunch. We got lunch, kids decided they didn't like what they had, wanted something else (groan) Mum makes it without battign an eyelid and the girls eat their cakes (gingerbread pigs :-) ) before lunch, they then don't eat the second version of lunch, and munch their way through biscuits, yoghurts and chocolate, with me protesting and Mum handing out the next thing. Argghh!!! Oh, and my younger dd, when I told her something needed to go in the bin told me that Granny Ruby would do it. I'm venting, here, can you tell? <g> But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this (lacking authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to expect a child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before eating something else? Sometimes it seems like she's playing 'good cop bad cop,' with me and them, currying favour by letting them 'get away' with stuff that I find unacceptable. Anyone else experience this?
Tracy
From: czuniga145@...
<<he agreed and sat down and
within an hour he hated math, was angry and frustrated and i realized in a
moment i had destroyed his natural love for math and turned what use to be
fun into 'work'. so we bought him the other cd. he now plays both >>
I have done this SO many times.Instead of letting dd jump into something new
and exciting I've used the "Sure, but first do this" line and robbed it of
all the excitement. Usually it's been in math as well. Most of the time I've
been able to back track and take the pressure off, but not always.
But hey, as my mother recently reminded me, I'm not perfect.
candice
Tracy
From: czuniga145@...
<<he agreed and sat down and
within an hour he hated math, was angry and frustrated and i realized in a
moment i had destroyed his natural love for math and turned what use to be
fun into 'work'. so we bought him the other cd. he now plays both >>
I have done this SO many times.Instead of letting dd jump into something new
and exciting I've used the "Sure, but first do this" line and robbed it of
all the excitement. Usually it's been in math as well. Most of the time I've
been able to back track and take the pressure off, but not always.
But hey, as my mother recently reminded me, I'm not perfect.
candice
[email protected]
In a message dated 02/23/2000 4:47:16 PM !!!First Boot!!!,
Tracy@...-online.co.uk writes:
<< But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this (lacking
authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to expect a
child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before eating
something else? Sometimes it seems like she's playing 'good cop bad cop,'
with me and them, currying favour by letting them 'get away' with stuff that
I find unacceptable. Anyone else experience this?
Tracy >>
Constantly. Not w/Gramma. But kids' changing their minds after stating a
preference. Sometimes I cave but it is a memorable exception. For example,
we have had colds lately and my kids have not been eating great. Stuff
doesn't taste too wonderful. So I have been making a lot of little extra
things on top of what was really for dinner, in an attempt to get something
in their tummies. But that is not every day.
I can proudly tell you (and he is proud too) that my son can now make his own
soup or hot dog (he's 6 1/2 yo and tall enough to reach) so I have been able
to say "make your own if you don't want this" and have it really happen.
Constant reminders are still needed about picking up clothes, etc., but this
seems to be happening more frequently.
Mom is not the maid. Even if sometimes appearances are to the contrary.
Nance
Tracy@...-online.co.uk writes:
<< But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this (lacking
authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to expect a
child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before eating
something else? Sometimes it seems like she's playing 'good cop bad cop,'
with me and them, currying favour by letting them 'get away' with stuff that
I find unacceptable. Anyone else experience this?
Tracy >>
Constantly. Not w/Gramma. But kids' changing their minds after stating a
preference. Sometimes I cave but it is a memorable exception. For example,
we have had colds lately and my kids have not been eating great. Stuff
doesn't taste too wonderful. So I have been making a lot of little extra
things on top of what was really for dinner, in an attempt to get something
in their tummies. But that is not every day.
I can proudly tell you (and he is proud too) that my son can now make his own
soup or hot dog (he's 6 1/2 yo and tall enough to reach) so I have been able
to say "make your own if you don't want this" and have it really happen.
Constant reminders are still needed about picking up clothes, etc., but this
seems to be happening more frequently.
Mom is not the maid. Even if sometimes appearances are to the contrary.
Nance
[email protected]
In a message dated 2/23/00 8:47:15 AM Pacific Standard Time,
Tracy@...-online.co.uk writes:
<< But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this (lacking
authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to expect a
child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before eating
something else? >>
Sh'e not being a doormat she's being a typical indulgent (okay, spoiling)
grandmother. Seriously, I don't force the kids to eat anything they don't
like, but if they specifically asked for something and then didn't want it,
they'd probably go hungry until the next meal. And as soon as dd, who is very
very picky, was physically able, I had her fixing her own special requests -
all kinds of sanwiches, hot or cold cereal, cheese and crackers,
sphaghetti-o's, etc. I'm not a short order cook.
candice
Tracy@...-online.co.uk writes:
<< But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this (lacking
authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to expect a
child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before eating
something else? >>
Sh'e not being a doormat she's being a typical indulgent (okay, spoiling)
grandmother. Seriously, I don't force the kids to eat anything they don't
like, but if they specifically asked for something and then didn't want it,
they'd probably go hungry until the next meal. And as soon as dd, who is very
very picky, was physically able, I had her fixing her own special requests -
all kinds of sanwiches, hot or cold cereal, cheese and crackers,
sphaghetti-o's, etc. I'm not a short order cook.
candice
Joshua Heath
Being relatively new to all this, I can relate to the "Dad's not your maid"
issue! I am slowly introducing a more comprehensive, rotating chore list,
and being vigilant about the endless... "Pick up this, pick up that"
reminders... I was inspired by a friend of mine who said she had her
children contribute to EVERYTHING that went into maintaining the house. If
they couldn't do it on their own, then they got all the help they needed,
but they still did it! ( Including scrubbing toilets, mopping etc. ) I
will keep you posted if it works out well....
Still pertaining to this thread (balance) I have recently came across an
amazingly simple but effective concept to help maintain an even keel while
dealing with all ups and downs and demands of each day. I was finding
myself moving from the extreme of "Mr. Nice, reasonable, loving Dad" to an
authoritarian, angry, stressed, "don't give me any more guff!" kind of dad.
The concept I read about is to stay loving and gentle at the same time as
not being an authority. To totally accept their "unacceptable" behavior on
the level of love, but not to give in to it. I know it is a very simple
concept, and not exactly a brand new one, but for me as of late, I refer
back to it CONSTANTLY. It has only been a few days so far, but it has been
making our life around here a lot better... the power struggles seem to be
completely gone! I could go on....
issue! I am slowly introducing a more comprehensive, rotating chore list,
and being vigilant about the endless... "Pick up this, pick up that"
reminders... I was inspired by a friend of mine who said she had her
children contribute to EVERYTHING that went into maintaining the house. If
they couldn't do it on their own, then they got all the help they needed,
but they still did it! ( Including scrubbing toilets, mopping etc. ) I
will keep you posted if it works out well....
Still pertaining to this thread (balance) I have recently came across an
amazingly simple but effective concept to help maintain an even keel while
dealing with all ups and downs and demands of each day. I was finding
myself moving from the extreme of "Mr. Nice, reasonable, loving Dad" to an
authoritarian, angry, stressed, "don't give me any more guff!" kind of dad.
The concept I read about is to stay loving and gentle at the same time as
not being an authority. To totally accept their "unacceptable" behavior on
the level of love, but not to give in to it. I know it is a very simple
concept, and not exactly a brand new one, but for me as of late, I refer
back to it CONSTANTLY. It has only been a few days so far, but it has been
making our life around here a lot better... the power struggles seem to be
completely gone! I could go on....
----- Original Message -----
From: <marbleface@...>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, February 23, 2000 8:56 AM
Subject: Re: [Unschooling-dotcom] keeping balance/tricky parents...
> From: marbleface@...
>
> In a message dated 02/23/2000 4:47:16 PM !!!First Boot!!!,
> Tracy@...-online.co.uk writes:
>
> << But is she being a doormat by allowing them to behave like this
(lacking
> authority) or am I killing their joy in food? Is it unreasonable to
expect a
> child to eat what has been specially prepared on their request before
eating
> something else? Sometimes it seems like she's playing 'good cop bad cop,'
> with me and them, currying favour by letting them 'get away' with stuff
that
> I find unacceptable. Anyone else experience this?
>
> Tracy >>
>
>
> Constantly. Not w/Gramma. But kids' changing their minds after stating a
> preference. Sometimes I cave but it is a memorable exception. For
example,
> we have had colds lately and my kids have not been eating great. Stuff
> doesn't taste too wonderful. So I have been making a lot of little extra
> things on top of what was really for dinner, in an attempt to get
something
> in their tummies. But that is not every day.
>
> I can proudly tell you (and he is proud too) that my son can now make his
own
> soup or hot dog (he's 6 1/2 yo and tall enough to reach) so I have been
able
> to say "make your own if you don't want this" and have it really happen.
> Constant reminders are still needed about picking up clothes, etc., but
this
> seems to be happening more frequently.
>
> Mom is not the maid. Even if sometimes appearances are to the contrary.
>
> Nance
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Get what you deserve with NextCard Visa! Rates as low as 2.9%
> Intro or 9.9% Fixed APR, online balance transfers, Rewards Points,
> no hidden fees, and much more! Get NextCard today and get the
> credit youdeserve! Apply now! Get your NextCard Visa at:
> http://click.egroups.com/1/912/2/_/_/_/951324984/
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Message boards, timely articles, a free newsletter and more!
> Check it all out at: http://www.unschooling.com
>
>
>
Joshua Heath
> The concept I read about is to stay loving and gentle at the same time ason
> not being an authority. To totally accept their "unacceptable" behavior
Oops, what I meant to say was " at the same time as BEING an authority.
Joshua
[email protected]
Joshua Heath wrote:
<>
Please do. I would love to hear more about this "concept" and how you are
applying it...some examples of situations if you'd like to share???? Thanks,
I'm always looking for how different people actually implement ideas and
concepts in parenting. I'm not looking for you to expose your children or
yourself in anyway that you would object to. Thanks.
Carol B.
<>
Please do. I would love to hear more about this "concept" and how you are
applying it...some examples of situations if you'd like to share???? Thanks,
I'm always looking for how different people actually implement ideas and
concepts in parenting. I'm not looking for you to expose your children or
yourself in anyway that you would object to. Thanks.
Carol B.
Joshua Heath
>Thanks,
> <>
> Please do. I would love to hear more about this "concept" and how you are
> applying it...some examples of situations if you'd like to share????
> I'm always looking for how different people actually implement ideas andYes, it is interesting to see if these "concepts" actually 'fly' in real
> concepts in parenting. I'm not looking for you to expose your children or
> yourself in anyway that you would object to. Thanks.
> Carol B.
life. The book (which I am still picking though - I have to say
unfortunately its not very well written) is called "Parachutes for Parents,"
by Bobbie Sandoz. She uses some beautiful analogies and metaphors to
describe a child moving from dependence to independence, as a natural
process akin to a caterpillar eventually becoming a butterfly (with no need
to *push* competitively toward accelerated "progress". She also goes over
how neither over controlling nor overly permissive styles of parenting work
well... (which is rather obvious, but we all fall somewhere on that
spectorm) Then she gives the "concept" I spoke of as a way to be both
nurturing and provide boundaries in all situations. In short how to marry
the two, and in so doing do away with swinging back and forth from one
extreme to the other.(*POWER STRUGGLES*)
Examples of how I have been using this concept....
There are tons of them every day- every time my boys don't act exactly the
way I want or expect them to act. Lets say we have to go run a short errand
and my son doesn't want to go! No way no how! In the past I would have
gotten worked up about how 'uncoperative' he was being and how he was being
immature or over reacting or making a big deal out of nothing etc... and as
I got going inot my high horse, I would eventually (if he still wasnt
coperating) start getting less than loving in my interaction with him. I
would say things sersely through a strained face.... there would be a bite
in my voice, an undertone of dissaproval (or worse) and he would feel bad.
Now, I would have an entirely different attitude. I would reamain loving
and supportive while he blubbered and tryed to convince me that it would
absolutely KILL him to have to come along on the errand. But since I am
clear that we need to go, all I would do accept his emotionality (or
whatever behavior) and tell him we still need to get going. No
condemnation, no anger, but also no wavering, no being overly sympathetic.
At first, I noticed this attitude threw my kids off-guard, and made them
really let loose, to try to get the emotional reaction from me... to try to
get me to either "give in" or get angy and react. But since I'm not going
to bite... usually they let it go soon after remarkably quickly.
Another thing I have started doing, which uses the same principals, is with
my youngest son (5, almost 6) who has a hard time zeroing in on tasks. He
is still very lost in the world of imagination... and is easily distracted.
I used to up the anti to make to get him to do things, (like picking up his
toys when he is done playing with them) by either being a little threatening
( if i have to remind you one more time your not going to get to play with
this toy for a week...) or raising my voice. Now if I see it is something
where hi is losing his focus, I (gently and lovingly) guide his hands so
that he keeps doing it untel it is done- but it is still him that has done
it, and again, he doesnt feel bad about himself, because I haven't been
disapproving of him.
Hope this explains a little more... I am really grateful I came across this
book when i did- I was at a point where I was really receptive to some comon
sence ideas to help eleviate the "stress" I was feeling parenting the way I
was.
Joshua
Kelowna B.C.
[email protected]
Joshua wrote:
<< Hope this explains a little more... I am really grateful I came across this
book when i did- I was at a point where I was really receptive to some comon
sence ideas to help eleviate the "stress" I was feeling parenting the way I
was.
still worth the time reading it if you're also a parent who feel stressed
about discipline? Just asking your opinion! Thanks.
Carol B.
<< Hope this explains a little more... I am really grateful I came across this
book when i did- I was at a point where I was really receptive to some comon
sence ideas to help eleviate the "stress" I was feeling parenting the way I
was.
>>Thanks Joshua. You mention that the book isn't very well-written. Is it
still worth the time reading it if you're also a parent who feel stressed
about discipline? Just asking your opinion! Thanks.
Carol B.