Re: mom's "doting" -- WAS Math phobia, again
sorcha_aisling
>>> "You ungrateful little B----! See if you get anythingSo you've met my mom? I didn't realize she had another daughter.
> from me under the tree!" <sigh><<<
If the things you think you're doing for another person are things
which, if rejected by the person you're doing them for, would lead
you to feel angry or to call the person ungrateful, then you're
really doing them to feel good about yourself.
Sorcha
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/29/2003 11:17:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
sorcha-aisling@... writes:
spoiled (my older daughters term, not mine). My oldest daughter lives on her
own in an apartment within a few miles of me. She works hard and long hours,
she often brings work home with her. She lives alone, no pets. Her dog she
got in college is here, by her choice, we are all here. She enjoys company,
she doesn't so much like to cook. She comes over most nights for dinner. A
fairly new habit is her having Friday night dinner/game night at one of her
friends parents from work. Do I resent that? Of course not, I'm happy that
she enjoys the company of others and is being fed and having a fun time. Do
I feel rejected that she went to Kari's instead of here? Not at all.
My older son lives in his own house, farther away than my daughter but still
in our town. He works hard, long hours, often driving four hours each day to
and from work. His girlfriend works, sometimes, she doesn't like to cook at
all. He likes to eat here. He likes to get his meals served to him. He
likes that someone thought about what he likes and doesn't when preparing a
meal. He likes to spend time with his family and fool around with his
brother and sisters and dad and he likes sometimes to have long talks with
his mother. He has lots of bills to pay. Adult life is sometimes a
struggle. He's recovering from a drug problem in his past. He's learning to
be a strong adult and find his way in the world. Sometimes he will call and
say he can't make it for dinner but he will be around later for dessert.
That's fine with me too. Sometimes he's tired and he doesn't come over at
all and just orders in. I don't mind.
I do find joy in having all my children gathered around the table, eating and
conversing and loving one another but it's not something I would resent my
children for if they didn't show up.
If I never saw my children I would miss them terribly, I would long for their
company, I'd probably go visit them but I would never resent them.
Home is a refuge to them, a place to know you are loved, that you are taken
care of, a familiar place. My oldest daughter once said to me that when she
turned in to the neighborhood (coming home from college) it felt almost like
a cozy worn wonderful quilt was being wrapped around her and walking in the
door to the smell of her favorite foods was like climbing up in your mothers
lap and snuggling when she was little.
How could you ever be resentful of such wonderful creatures as your children?
Wait, I know you could, my mother hated every minute of motherhood. I
don't, I love it.
Soon enough they will have families and even more life demands than the do
already. Why NOT do the little things they enjoy and look forward to while
you can?
Everything I do for my children comes from a place of love. If they don't
want it, they are free to say so. I've been told no many times and I've
never resented my children, I only took it as their right to say no about
something that concerns them.
Life is often times hard when you are just beginning on your own. I try to
do thing they enjoy and look forward to, maybe that long day and even longer
drive home in traffic won't seem so bad surrounded by love and things done
lovingly with you in mind.
I think it's just about honoring the most precious gifts I've ever received
and treating them as special as they are to me.
It does work for us anyway.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
sorcha-aisling@... writes:
> If the things you think you're doing for another person are thingsI do things for my children because I love them and because they like being
> which, if rejected by the person you're doing them for, would lead
> you to feel angry or to call the person ungrateful, then you're
> really doing them to feel good about yourself.
>
>
spoiled (my older daughters term, not mine). My oldest daughter lives on her
own in an apartment within a few miles of me. She works hard and long hours,
she often brings work home with her. She lives alone, no pets. Her dog she
got in college is here, by her choice, we are all here. She enjoys company,
she doesn't so much like to cook. She comes over most nights for dinner. A
fairly new habit is her having Friday night dinner/game night at one of her
friends parents from work. Do I resent that? Of course not, I'm happy that
she enjoys the company of others and is being fed and having a fun time. Do
I feel rejected that she went to Kari's instead of here? Not at all.
My older son lives in his own house, farther away than my daughter but still
in our town. He works hard, long hours, often driving four hours each day to
and from work. His girlfriend works, sometimes, she doesn't like to cook at
all. He likes to eat here. He likes to get his meals served to him. He
likes that someone thought about what he likes and doesn't when preparing a
meal. He likes to spend time with his family and fool around with his
brother and sisters and dad and he likes sometimes to have long talks with
his mother. He has lots of bills to pay. Adult life is sometimes a
struggle. He's recovering from a drug problem in his past. He's learning to
be a strong adult and find his way in the world. Sometimes he will call and
say he can't make it for dinner but he will be around later for dessert.
That's fine with me too. Sometimes he's tired and he doesn't come over at
all and just orders in. I don't mind.
I do find joy in having all my children gathered around the table, eating and
conversing and loving one another but it's not something I would resent my
children for if they didn't show up.
If I never saw my children I would miss them terribly, I would long for their
company, I'd probably go visit them but I would never resent them.
Home is a refuge to them, a place to know you are loved, that you are taken
care of, a familiar place. My oldest daughter once said to me that when she
turned in to the neighborhood (coming home from college) it felt almost like
a cozy worn wonderful quilt was being wrapped around her and walking in the
door to the smell of her favorite foods was like climbing up in your mothers
lap and snuggling when she was little.
How could you ever be resentful of such wonderful creatures as your children?
Wait, I know you could, my mother hated every minute of motherhood. I
don't, I love it.
Soon enough they will have families and even more life demands than the do
already. Why NOT do the little things they enjoy and look forward to while
you can?
Everything I do for my children comes from a place of love. If they don't
want it, they are free to say so. I've been told no many times and I've
never resented my children, I only took it as their right to say no about
something that concerns them.
Life is often times hard when you are just beginning on your own. I try to
do thing they enjoy and look forward to, maybe that long day and even longer
drive home in traffic won't seem so bad surrounded by love and things done
lovingly with you in mind.
I think it's just about honoring the most precious gifts I've ever received
and treating them as special as they are to me.
It does work for us anyway.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 4/29/2003 10:27:48 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
treegoddess@... writes:
Cait didn't want cookies, I'd probably just eat them myself and then she'd
probably ask me for them after the last crumb was eaten!
I remember when my now 18 year old was probably three maybe... he was angry
at me for something, I don't remember now what it was, but he looked at me
and said "fine, I'm never going to eat dinner", I thought it was funny and
told him that it was fine with me if he didn't want dinner. He then decided
to tell me he was NEVER going to eat again, again I just told him that was
perfectly OK with me if he never ate again, but if he decided he was hungry,
to let me know.
The other kids have often used that with him through the years when he would
be angry about something, he does have a temper and they could often calm him
with laughter by saying "hey John what are you gonna do? NEVER eat again?".
Thanks for sharing your story, while I know it was painful for you, it
brought back a memory of my children that brought a smile to my face today!
Thanks again for sharing.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
treegoddess@... writes:
> Your example about cooking a meal for your daughter unfortunatelyThat's terrible, I'm sorry it brought back such a bad memory for you. If
> >brought up a bad memory for me of the last time my mother ever
> >spanked me. She'd bought cookies at one of those stores in the mall,
> >and she chose three different flavors that she thought I'd like.
> >When she brought them home, she asked me which kind I wanted, and I
> >said, "None, thanks, I'm not in the mood for cookies." Well, she
> >knows how much I love cookies, and she'd spent time and money
> >carefully selecting cookies especially for me and she asked again
> >which kind I wanted. Now I'm not usually one to turn down a cookie,
> >but that day I seriously wasn't in the mood for one. And she lost
> >her temper and spanked me.
>
Cait didn't want cookies, I'd probably just eat them myself and then she'd
probably ask me for them after the last crumb was eaten!
I remember when my now 18 year old was probably three maybe... he was angry
at me for something, I don't remember now what it was, but he looked at me
and said "fine, I'm never going to eat dinner", I thought it was funny and
told him that it was fine with me if he didn't want dinner. He then decided
to tell me he was NEVER going to eat again, again I just told him that was
perfectly OK with me if he never ate again, but if he decided he was hungry,
to let me know.
The other kids have often used that with him through the years when he would
be angry about something, he does have a temper and they could often calm him
with laughter by saying "hey John what are you gonna do? NEVER eat again?".
Thanks for sharing your story, while I know it was painful for you, it
brought back a memory of my children that brought a smile to my face today!
Thanks again for sharing.
glena
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 04/29/2003 11:05:44 AM Central Daylight Time,
rubyprincesstsg@... writes:
This is so idyllic. It sounds to me as if you and your family are doing just
fine. :-) I would REALLY suggest that you just relax and let this happen.
If your mothering instincts are as good as your descriptions make them appear
to be, you'll do fine with unschooling, too. Right now, your anxieties about
*getting it right* seem to be exhausting to you and to a lot of us. Trust
yourself. You have a lot going for you. Know that, and just let go.
Peace and blessing,
Laura B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
rubyprincesstsg@... writes:
> My oldest daughter once said to me that when sheGlena --
> turned in to the neighborhood (coming home from college) it felt almost
> like
> a cozy worn wonderful quilt was being wrapped around her and walking in the
>
> door to the smell of her favorite foods was like climbing up in your
> mothers
> lap and snuggling when she was little.
>
>
>
This is so idyllic. It sounds to me as if you and your family are doing just
fine. :-) I would REALLY suggest that you just relax and let this happen.
If your mothering instincts are as good as your descriptions make them appear
to be, you'll do fine with unschooling, too. Right now, your anxieties about
*getting it right* seem to be exhausting to you and to a lot of us. Trust
yourself. You have a lot going for you. Know that, and just let go.
Peace and blessing,
Laura B.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]